Help with grief

[Wantbetter]

My Mom passed away on Saturday. For 2 days my BPD husband was somewhat attentive but now nothing. He just got home from work and asked me how I was. I replied that I had a lot of ups and downs today with my grief. His response... .nothing. Then a minute later said he needed to do a load of laundry.

His avoidance of me and my sadness hurts me so much. I am sure he is protecting himself from his own emotions, but what about me? Am I really going to have to deal with this unsupported? This compounds my sadness immensly. I feel so alone.

Is there anything I can do right now? I don't have any energy for walking my husband through how to help me. There is not even a level of kindness to be had?

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[Notwendy]

Want better- welcome to this site.

I am sorry for your loss. I know the grief is overwhelming. Consider that if someone with BPD has trouble handling their own emotions, how much harder is it for them to manage seeing you in this grief.

I think it is important to not take their issues personally. This is a time to focus on yourself and taking care of yourself. While your H may not be in a position to comfort you, assume that he is doing the best he can.

Is it possible for you to find the support you need in other ways? Perhaps therapy, a grief support group? Friends? your religious group if you have one? It would be good if you could find some support thought this.

[Wantbetter]

Thanks so much Notwendy. I was in the process of rebuilding my support group of friends and family that had dissolved over my 20 year marriage. ( my BPD was very good at making my relationships so uncomfortable thru his jealousy that I let them fall away over time). I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me do this. I just hadn't gotten very far yet. I am looking into local grief support.

I want to be in my home to grieve, to be sad, to work thru and feel what I need to feel. And that's when I feel so alone. My home should be my safe place but it hasn't been for a long time. I just notice it even more so right now.

It meant a lot to me to read your response. When someone I don't even know allows me to feel cared about, it is such a new and welcome feeling. And it brings me to tears. With gratitude.

[Notwendy]

It's good that you are rebuilding your support system, in therapy, and reconnecting with friends. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and getting support.

My father died a while back and I can hardly remember the weeks after. I think I cried all the time. This is normal and you should let yourself grieve. In time, the crying all the time stops, and the grief resolves, but grief is a periodic thing. You will always miss her, think of her and feel sad at times, but it gets better.

The kind of events where you are temporarily emotionally unavailable to your partner with BPD can be triggering to them. I found that when I was in a situation where I needed support- either happy times or sad-, or was not focusing on my H as much, he perceived it as rejection and was not able to be supportive. I also had to recognize that this was his issue to deal with as I can not manage his thinking.

It's important to not take this personally. Take care of yourself and get the support you need.