I let her take my joy, but I took it back

[sun seeker]

 When I decide to go totall N/C I realized I enjoyed nothing in life anymore. It was such a rough time. I stopped riding my street bike (no one could keep me off mike bike before) I used to love to surf and just chill at the beach or just hanging with friends, going to the gym,  I loved to cook. I was in such a dark place I did nothing but work,  school, then home to think about  my diagnosed exBPDgf. Man I was a mess. How could I let someone else have that kind of power over me. This is not the man I am. Never has been. Now life is very different . The joy has come back and not a moment to soon. We all heal at different speeds just let all out feel every feeling. If you need to cry go for it (I sure as hell did) you wanna be angry let it out. . (Not towards your exBPD)the gym is a great place to let frustrations out.  trying to be tuff and hold it in just makes it worse. (Guilty as charged)

My T said my diagnosed exBPDgf caught me at a highly vulnerable state. My mom died earlier that year, my serious r/s ended later that year, I lost a high paying job as well that year. I was ripe and ready to be picked by my diagnosed  exBPDgf. Im not a victim I let her in and ignored the red flags and choose to stay in a very bad situation for way to long.    ( so obvious in hind sight)

 

I must say to all of you hurting that staying totall N/C is the only way to start healing.

 

   Looking at her facebook (im guilty) trying to just be friends , staying in touch with mutual friends (she had one girlfriend who she slept with I later found out) it was all counter productive to my health and well being , and greatly prolonged my healing.

   Complete and totall N/C  is where you start,  its going to be hard but you can overcome this . Dont give into the urge to look at fb or text or ask around about your exBPD partner. Just stop . Its only going to hurt.

Give yourself a break there was and is nothing you can do for them. They have to want to "get better" and by that I mean learn coping skills to deal. This disorder is for life.

  This board has been a blessing for me. No one can truly understand what we have experienced unless you lived it. Good luck to us all we are all in the same boat here. Let the healing begin . You are the most important person in your life dont ever forget that.

[Plonko]

I totally agree with everything you say here. Glad it's all heading back in the right direction for you.