Is he BPD? I feel roped in ...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, I'm new to this site.  I've been seeing this man who I'll call "Luke" for about six months or so, and I suspect he may be BPD, and I guess I'd just like some insight from people who know more about it than I do.  

I'll try to be brief and hit the highlights.  I met Luke and we became friendly.  Within a very short amount of time, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend.  I told him I'd prefer us to see each other casually, and if something developed, great.  He seemed okay with that, until the next day when I got a text from him apologizing, that he should known I wouldn't want to date someone "like him" (because he's overweight), and that I must have been mortified.  I didn't not feel mortified, I just didn't want to jump straight into a relationship, so I had to call him every day before he would talk to me about it, and I told him that I was seeing someone, and that it wasn't an exclusive relationship, but I didn't want to head straight into an exclusive relationship right off the bat.  We saw each other a few more times, and the get-togethers blurred into dates.  Then he started putting pressure on me to break up with "Grant", the guy I was already seeing.  The main reason he gave me was that if I didn't, Luke might find someone else and I'd lose him and later regret it.  I did become afraid of this, but I did not feel ready at that time to have an exclusive relationship with Luke.  I wanted to just casually date him and then see if I felt like it could go someplace.  But the massive pressure I later came to feel only kept me in a constant state of fear, and it made it very difficulty to think about what I really wanted.

Then Luke started to demand more and more of my time and attention.  First, he started texting me every day.  Then I was asked if I only texted in response to texts I received, because that's what it seemed like was happening (to him).  Then when I sent him texts first, how come I don't want to talk to him?  Then when I called, how come I don't want to see him?  And if I stopped at his place on my way home to say hi, it was a big deal because I was leaving right away (after an hour), how come I didn't want to spend time with him?  Or, if I did stay, how come I didn't want to spend the night?  There were many occasions when I did a lot of stuff for him, like running errands, cooking, etc., and I was told that doing things for him was nice, but it was not the same (and I guess therefore inferior) to spending time with him.  Luke has a rotating list of health issues he periodically suffers from, each potentially life-threatening (he thinks), and I spent a lot of time on the phone with him during these "attacks", time also dismissed because I didn't spend it with him (in person).  Sometimes I felt completely overloaded, as if I was being drained of what I had to give.  He also wants me to text/call him when I get home if I've been out without him--just so he knows I've gotten home safely, he says.  And when one day I didn't, they next day I got a message that said, "You really don't care about my feelings at all, do you?"

I've also been blamed for things his past girlfriends did, who apparently weren't proud of him.  I've been accused of being embarrassed to be seen with him (which is ridiculous, because we go out together in public all the time) and of "hiding" him from my family (because he hadn't yet met my family--my extended family, I don't have any immediate family).

He has also snapped and gotten really angry over nothing, blaming me for the whole thing.  These were usually times when I said (or he imagined I said) something negative about him.  Like, one time he was tickling me, but he was doing it a little too hard and it didn't tickle and I asked him to stop and when he wouldn't, I had to be adamant, and he got really annoyed, became emotionally cold towards me, told me I just wasn't an affectionate person, and when I got upset, he accused me of and berated me for "sulking".  Another time, when he kept hassling me to see a doctor for headaches I was getting (from stress and overwork), I just started crying because I got so frustrated that he wasn't hearing me when I explained why I got these headaches.  He flipped out and told me "Here we go again, I'm just sick and tired of this, there's no talking to you, no matter what I say you just hear what you want to hear, do you hear how ridiculous you sound right now... ." again, being angry and cold at the same time.  Recently, in an effort to get me make a commitment to him, he told me he was going to see other people (something I told him from the beginning he was free to do), but he made it sound morel like a punishment than just advising me that's what he was going to do.  At first, I said I understood, and he was annoyed, then when i got upset, he was annoyed.  When I got really upset and started crying, telling him I didn't know why it was so difficult for me to make the commitment and move forward, he said to me, "Your tears are an insult to me because they imply I'm doing something wrong, when you're the one who has placed me in this unfair position."  Later he told me he had to do this, because he realized he was "enabling" me.

Then this month I've been working a lot of overtime and I haven't had a lot of time to see him.  I told him this is the busy season at my job, that this would happen, and that it's only temporary.  He can't seem to handle it.  Every day, it's like, why have you abandoned me, you don't care about me, I don't understand how you can say you care for me and yet you don't want to see me?  Yet I spent my only day off in three weeks with him.  I told him that it's not that I don't want to see him, I just have been having a hard time financially and I need the money.

Also, a few months ago, he invited me to a barbeque at a relative's house.  I didn't know if I felt comfortable going at that time, but told me it wasn't anything big, just come if I want, so I did---now his whole family thinks we're a committed couple and I get invited to everything, and if I don't go, he makes it sound like I've done something wrong, he tells me his family wonders why don't come to these events.  This week he wants me to go to a relative's house for birthday cake--then all of a sudden, it's a dinner also--but to go, I'd have to take the night off from work, which I don't really want to do, but he keeps pressuring me.  I feel like if I don't go, it'll be a BIG deal, because everything is a sign that I either care for or don't care for him, depending on what it is.  Yet I resent being pressured into giving up a night's pay when I badly need this money.  Which is something he should understand, since he has trouble paying his bills every single month and has told me many times that he might not be able to afford food for the week!

I worked on Valentine's day too, and he flipped out and broke up with me.  At least I think he did, it was such a confusing mess, I'm not even really sure.  Then after a big fight/discussion afterwards, he acted like everything was fine--until the next day, when there was trauma again, and he texted me and when I didn't answer fast enough, and he texted me again: "I guess we're done".  Then when i called him up, he sensed I was annoyed, and he said, ":)on't f---ing call me when you're mad! Unbelieveable!"

I started to probe my own mind and heart--what's the matter with me, why do I hesitate to really make a commitment to him and see if we can move forward and have a life together?  I felt horrible that I was still seeing Grant.  What was the matter with me?  Then after the valentine's fiasco, I thought about it and I realized that, yes, some of it was about me fearing making a big change and taking a big chance, but then I started to feel that Luke created a lot of the doubt that I had.  For one thing, he has kept me in a constant state of anxiety with all his pressure to "choose" him or lose him.  Then there's the massive neediness and constant devaluing of what I have to offer him (in one  case, I stopped at his place one day on my way home, his car wasn't there, so I called him in case he was on his way back.  He wasn't.  He stopped at my place later, and told me he was heart-warmed that I had stopped by to see him.  I gave him some fruit that I had picked up at the store that I thought he might like.  Then he said, "Wait a minute--did you stop by to see me or bring the fruit?"  I said "Both--but what's the difference?" And he went on to explain that if I just stopped by to see him, then it was because I wanted to see HIM, but if it was to bring the fruit, them somehow I didn't really want to see him... .?  And another time, I expressed concern that his winter coat might not be warm enough, and he tells me that he thinks that I think he's not good enough for me, because I'm complaining because he's too poor to afford a better coat (but he can afford to blow $50 on a night at the bar and $30 for tickets to an expo)  And the biggest thing is, he lives his life in constant state of financial turmoil.   It's hard to see him as a potential husband and father when he says things like he can't afford food and does nothing to try to improve his situation!  I don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing him for not having money, believe me, I'm not, and I don't have money either.  That's whey I'm working my ass off at my job.  But I would think that if he really wants to marry me, as he says he does, he would be doing something for the future.  But he's not.  Except now that I told him, after he calmed down from criticizing me for having concerns, and after I told him that every time I express a concern, his answer is to break up with me, he has mentioned he's sent his resume out.  He says.

So now I've really started to wonder if a lot of this stuff is actually just his way of manipulating me into doing what he wants.  The health traumas draw attention and concern from me.  The promises of marriage--he knows that's what caused me to pull away from Grant.  Is it all just bull****?  I sometimes think that he wants a live-in girlfriend, not necessarily a wife, and once I committed to him, I'd just be hanging out with him everyday and we would never actually have anything more.  Also, I wonder if he even really cares for me as much as he says he does, or if he just wants not to be alone, since that is what he mostly talks about.  I have even wondered if him apologizing for asking me out in the first place (which is not really what he did, but anyway... .) was a manipulation, because it caused me to freak out and really pursue him.  At the time, I kind of thought that even if he did think that, it wasn't fair of him to say that to me, but I became overly concerned with his feelings, so I didn't pay much attention to that thought.  And I had to eventually wonder, why did I freak out every time he broke up with me?  At first, I thought it was because I must have such strong feelings for him.  Now I wonder if it wasn't somehow my reaction to the way he presented everything, rather than to the actual potential break up, again, a manipulation.

And this has all been very difficult.  Like so many other posts I've read on this site, at first I felt like I might have found "the one", then things seemed to change and I now I feel hurt, guilty, wanting to grab ahold of him and wanting to run away, all at the same time.  I often feel like I've touched a stove and gotten seriously burned.   I've spoken to a few friends about this as honestly as I could, and they all think I haven't done something wrong by not committing-- in fact, they think I should end my relationship with Luke, because there's a cycle of upset and turmoil that never seems to end.  Also, I feel like he really created this "situation" he hates being in.  I wanted a casual relationship; he's the one who kept treating it like it was more.  For instance, he started telling people I was his girlfriend.  When I objected to this (I thought he should have said I was someone he was seeing, that was more accurate), he seemed hurt so I didn't make a big deal out of it, but he knew I didn't really want him saying that, but he did anyway, and now he's like, but you're my girlfriend.  So I guess I contributed to it, but I didn't know what else to do at the time.

Far as BPD goes, I read many descriptions that sounded very much like Luke.  I tried to just hit the highlights in this post (mostly because I had originally written a really lengthy post with a lot of details, but it vanished when I tried to post it because I wasn't actually signed in), but there have been incidents like the ones described.  I do know that, according to what he's told me, his father left home and remarried when Luke was in his early teens and he said it made him feel like he wasn't good enough for his father.  Also, when he was in his early twenties, he was going to get married, and the girl just took off one day and he never heard from her again ever (she didn't leave him at the altar, but according to him, there were definite informal plans and she just split).  Online descriptions of BPD I read definitely sound like him, especially one I read that talked about a girl whose brother stepped away from a wedding reception briefly and within half an hour found a bunch of nasty messages on his phone from the sister, because she was outraged that he abandoned her.  Luke did this very same thing to me on Valentine's day--by 6:30 there was a series of messages from him, including an "I guess it's over then " message on my phone because I wasn't at home when he drove by.  I'm getting tired of all the stress.  I'd sincerely welcome any input anyone cares to provide.  Thank you for listening!

[lolli]

Hi, I'm new to this site.  I've been seeing this man who I'll call "Luke" for about six months or so, and I suspect he may be BPD, and I guess I'd just like some insight from people who know more about it than I do.  

I'll try to be brief and hit the highlights.  I met Luke and we became friendly.  Within a very short amount of time, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend.  I told him I'd prefer us to see each other casually, and if something developed, great.  He seemed okay with that, until the next day when I got a text from him apologizing, that he should known I wouldn't want to date someone "like him" (because he's overweight), and that I must have been mortified.  I didn't not feel mortified, I just didn't want to jump straight into a relationship, so I had to call him every day before he would talk to me about it, and I told him that I was seeing someone, and that it wasn't an exclusive relationship, but I didn't want to head straight into an exclusive relationship right off the bat.  We saw each other a few more times, and the get-togethers blurred into dates.  Then he started putting pressure on me to break up with "Grant", the guy I was already seeing.  The main reason he gave me was that if I didn't, Luke might find someone else and I'd lose him and later regret it.  I did become afraid of this, but I did not feel ready at that time to have an exclusive relationship with Luke.  I wanted to just casually date him and then see if I felt like it could go someplace.  But the massive pressure I later came to feel only kept me in a constant state of fear, and it made it very difficulty to think about what I really wanted.

Then Luke started to demand more and more of my time and attention.  First, he started texting me every day.  Then I was asked if I only texted in response to texts I received, because that's what it seemed like was happening (to him).  Then when I sent him texts first, how come I don't want to talk to him?  Then when I called, how come I don't want to see him?  And if I stopped at his place on my way home to say hi, it was a big deal because I was leaving right away (after an hour), how come I didn't want to spend time with him?  Or, if I did stay, how come I didn't want to spend the night?  There were many occasions when I did a lot of stuff for him, like running errands, cooking, etc., and I was told that doing things for him was nice, but it was not the same (and I guess therefore inferior) to spending time with him.  Luke has a rotating list of health issues he periodically suffers from, each potentially life-threatening (he thinks), and I spent a lot of time on the phone with him during these "attacks", time also dismissed because I didn't spend it with him (in person).  Sometimes I felt completely overloaded, as if I was being drained of what I had to give.  He also wants me to text/call him when I get home if I've been out without him--just so he knows I've gotten home safely, he says.  And when one day I didn't, they next day I got a message that said, "You really don't care about my feelings at all, do you?"

I've also been blamed for things his past girlfriends did, who apparently weren't proud of him.  I've been accused of being embarrassed to be seen with him (which is ridiculous, because we go out together in public all the time) and of "hiding" him from my family (because he hadn't yet met my family--my extended family, I don't have any immediate family).

He has also snapped and gotten really angry over nothing, blaming me for the whole thing.  These were usually times when I said (or he imagined I said) something negative about him.  Like, one time he was tickling me, but he was doing it a little too hard and it didn't tickle and I asked him to stop and when he wouldn't, I had to be adamant, and he got really annoyed, became emotionally cold towards me, told me I just wasn't an affectionate person, and when I got upset, he accused me of and berated me for "sulking".  Another time, when he kept hassling me to see a doctor for headaches I was getting (from stress and overwork), I just started crying because I got so frustrated that he wasn't hearing me when I explained why I got these headaches.  He flipped out and told me "Here we go again, I'm just sick and tired of this, there's no talking to you, no matter what I say you just hear what you want to hear, do you hear how ridiculous you sound right now... ." again, being angry and cold at the same time.  Recently, in an effort to get me make a commitment to him, he told me he was going to see other people (something I told him from the beginning he was free to do), but he made it sound morel like a punishment than just advising me that's what he was going to do.  At first, I said I understood, and he was annoyed, then when i got upset, he was annoyed.  When I got really upset and started crying, telling him I didn't know why it was so difficult for me to make the commitment and move forward, he said to me, "Your tears are an insult to me because they imply I'm doing something wrong, when you're the one who has placed me in this unfair position."  Later he told me he had to do this, because he realized he was "enabling" me.

Then this month I've been working a lot of overtime and I haven't had a lot of time to see him.  I told him this is the busy season at my job, that this would happen, and that it's only temporary.  He can't seem to handle it.  Every day, it's like, why have you abandoned me, you don't care about me, I don't understand how you can say you care for me and yet you don't want to see me?  Yet I spent my only day off in three weeks with him.  I told him that it's not that I don't want to see him, I just have been having a hard time financially and I need the money.

Also, a few months ago, he invited me to a barbeque at a relative's house.  I didn't know if I felt comfortable going at that time, but told me it wasn't anything big, just come if I want, so I did---now his whole family thinks we're a committed couple and I get invited to everything, and if I don't go, he makes it sound like I've done something wrong, he tells me his family wonders why don't come to these events.  This week he wants me to go to a relative's house for birthday cake--then all of a sudden, it's a dinner also--but to go, I'd have to take the night off from work, which I don't really want to do, but he keeps pressuring me.  I feel like if I don't go, it'll be a BIG deal, because everything is a sign that I either care for or don't care for him, depending on what it is.  Yet I resent being pressured into giving up a night's pay when I badly need this money.  Which is something he should understand, since he has trouble paying his bills every single month and has told me many times that he might not be able to afford food for the week!

I worked on Valentine's day too, and he flipped out and broke up with me.  At least I think he did, it was such a confusing mess, I'm not even really sure.  Then after a big fight/discussion afterwards, he acted like everything was fine--until the next day, when there was trauma again, and he texted me and when I didn't answer fast enough, and he texted me again: "I guess we're done".  Then when i called him up, he sensed I was annoyed, and he said, ":)on't f---ing call me when you're mad! Unbelieveable!"

I started to probe my own mind and heart--what's the matter with me, why do I hesitate to really make a commitment to him and see if we can move forward and have a life together?  I felt horrible that I was still seeing Grant.  What was the matter with me?  Then after the valentine's fiasco, I thought about it and I realized that, yes, some of it was about me fearing making a big change and taking a big chance, but then I started to feel that Luke created a lot of the doubt that I had.  For one thing, he has kept me in a constant state of anxiety with all his pressure to "choose" him or lose him.  Then there's the massive neediness and constant devaluing of what I have to offer him (in one  case, I stopped at his place one day on my way home, his car wasn't there, so I called him in case he was on his way back.  He wasn't.  He stopped at my place later, and told me he was heart-warmed that I had stopped by to see him.  I gave him some fruit that I had picked up at the store that I thought he might like.  Then he said, "Wait a minute--did you stop by to see me or bring the fruit?"  I said "Both--but what's the difference?" And he went on to explain that if I just stopped by to see him, then it was because I wanted to see HIM, but if it was to bring the fruit, them somehow I didn't really want to see him... .?  And another time, I expressed concern that his winter coat might not be warm enough, and he tells me that he thinks that I think he's not good enough for me, because I'm complaining because he's too poor to afford a better coat (but he can afford to blow $50 on a night at the bar and $30 for tickets to an expo)  And the biggest thing is, he lives his life in constant state of financial turmoil.   It's hard to see him as a potential husband and father when he says things like he can't afford food and does nothing to try to improve his situation!  I don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing him for not having money, believe me, I'm not, and I don't have money either.  That's whey I'm working my ass off at my job.  But I would think that if he really wants to marry me, as he says he does, he would be doing something for the future.  But he's not.  Except now that I told him, after he calmed down from criticizing me for having concerns, and after I told him that every time I express a concern, his answer is to break up with me, he has mentioned he's sent his resume out.  He says.

So now I've really started to wonder if a lot of this stuff is actually just his way of manipulating me into doing what he wants.  The health traumas draw attention and concern from me.  The promises of marriage--he knows that's what caused me to pull away from Grant.  Is it all just bull****?  I sometimes think that he wants a live-in girlfriend, not necessarily a wife, and once I committed to him, I'd just be hanging out with him everyday and we would never actually have anything more.  Also, I wonder if he even really cares for me as much as he says he does, or if he just wants not to be alone, since that is what he mostly talks about.  I have even wondered if him apologizing for asking me out in the first place (which is not really what he did, but anyway... .) was a manipulation, because it caused me to freak out and really pursue him.  At the time, I kind of thought that even if he did think that, it wasn't fair of him to say that to me, but I became overly concerned with his feelings, so I didn't pay much attention to that thought.  And I had to eventually wonder, why did I freak out every time he broke up with me?  At first, I thought it was because I must have such strong feelings for him.  Now I wonder if it wasn't somehow my reaction to the way he presented everything, rather than to the actual potential break up, again, a manipulation.

And this has all been very difficult.  Like so many other posts I've read on this site, at first I felt like I might have found "the one", then things seemed to change and I now I feel hurt, guilty, wanting to grab ahold of him and wanting to run away, all at the same time.  I often feel like I've touched a stove and gotten seriously burned.   I've spoken to a few friends about this as honestly as I could, and they all think I haven't done something wrong by not committing-- in fact, they think I should end my relationship with Luke, because there's a cycle of upset and turmoil that never seems to end.  Also, I feel like he really created this "situation" he hates being in.  I wanted a casual relationship; he's the one who kept treating it like it was more.  For instance, he started telling people I was his girlfriend.  When I objected to this (I thought he should have said I was someone he was seeing, that was more accurate), he seemed hurt so I didn't make a big deal out of it, but he knew I didn't really want him saying that, but he did anyway, and now he's like, but you're my girlfriend.  So I guess I contributed to it, but I didn't know what else to do at the time.

Far as BPD goes, I read many descriptions that sounded very much like Luke.  I tried to just hit the highlights in this post (mostly because I had originally written a really lengthy post with a lot of details, but it vanished when I tried to post it because I wasn't actually signed in), but there have been incidents like the ones described.  I do know that, according to what he's told me, his father left home and remarried when Luke was in his early teens and he said it made him feel like he wasn't good enough for his father.  Also, when he was in his early twenties, he was going to get married, and the girl just took off one day and he never heard from her again ever (she didn't leave him at the altar, but according to him, there were definite informal plans and she just split).  Online descriptions of BPD I read definitely sound like him, especially one I read that talked about a girl whose brother stepped away from a wedding reception briefly and within half an hour found a bunch of nasty messages on his phone from the sister, because she was outraged that he abandoned her.  Luke did this very same thing to me on Valentine's day--by 6:30 there was a series of messages from him, including an "I guess it's over then " message on my phone because I wasn't at home when he drove by.  I'm getting tired of all the stress.  I'd sincerely welcome any input anyone cares to provide.  Thank you for listening!

[tjay933]

whether or not he has BPD, one thing is clear-you have doubts about the relationship. that in itself should tell you that he isn't the "one". you are clearly seeing signs that are troubling you-listen to your instinct on this as it is most likely right. if we with BPD partners had listened we probably wouldn't have been with ours for 10+ yrs only to find that we are with a controlling, manipulative, abusive person. try to look ahead in ten years and ask if you want to be treated this way for the next ten years or if you want something else. if he is treating you this way now, it won't change once you move in together or get married-whether or not he has BPD. if he has BPD, it will only get worse. any sign of anger now will turn into abuse later. any sign of controlling and manipulating now will definetly turn into those later. any obsessiveness on his part now will be extreme later. he seems to have a jealous streak which can turn very nasty in some people. he seems to have a self hatred for himself-i feel you can't love someone else while hating yourself-eventually that hatred for himself will become hatred for you. he needs therapy in my opinion to get over this. this is just my opinion. above all stay safe

[Mutt]

Hi lolli,  



I'm sorry you went through this

We're not professionals and can't diagnose. What we can look at are BPD traits and what behaviors and actions are acceptable to us - boundaries.

Like, one time he was tickling me, but he was doing it a little too hard and it didn't tickle and I asked him to stop and when he wouldn't, I had to be adamant, and he got really annoyed, became emotionally cold towards me, told me I just wasn't an affectionate person, and when I got upset, he accused me of and berated me for "sulking"


So now I've really started to wonder if a lot of this stuff is actually just his way of manipulating me into doing what he wants.

There's an awful lot of emotional blackmail from your ex partner in your post; or fear obligation guilt (FOG)

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Can you identify with the editorial and the negative feelings?

I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

[lolli]

Tjay & Mutt, thank you both very much for the replies. 

Mutt--I read the information from your link (fog) and yes, I can identify with it. 

Tjay--I hear what you are saying (listen to the warning sounds now, instead of regretting it later).  In my head I know that it's true, and that it's also true that if I don't feel comfortable now for any reason, I should pay attention to that discomfort. 

But the problem I'm strugging with is, I keep feeling like maybe I'm the problem, like I'm the one who can't commit, can't decide, can't give, can't whatever.  And he always holds out the promise that if only I'd commit to him, everything would be wonderful.  And then I start to wonder, am I throwing away a chance at something that I've been longing for.  But then at the same time, I can't move forward with things the way they are.  This week, I had to hear numerous times how I really hurt him and disappointed him for not going to the birthday get together (I decided I had to stand firm and go to work as I had planned.)  Then he drops by and cleans snow off my car, then hits me with the birthday complaints again later that night. I got off the phone with him feeling horrible.  Then today, after not getting a response to a text I sent him, he texts me while I'm at work to ask me if I've made a "decision" about committing to him yet.  I got very upset, I think it's very self-centered of him to text me about this at work!  When I texted him back that I was upset he would text me about this when he knows I can't really talk about it, he texts back "it's a yes or no question".  So I responded with, "I feel hurt you would bring this up right now, this is what contributes to the doubts I have and it makes it difficult for me to feel confident enough to make a committment."  Then he texted back, "So that's a no.  Thank you."  I responded with, ":)on't even care that I feel hurt?"   And it's been over an hour and a half, still no reply.   I don't want to play some kind of blame game with him, but I feel like its necessary that he realize that his actions are playing a major role in causing me to pull back.  He doesn't know this, but I calmed down a little from him complaining that I haven't been able to see him for a while because I've been working so much, and I was planning on asking him to get together, even if it's only for a little while, this weekend.  Now I feel even more hurt than before, and I don't feel like making that suggestion now.

He doesn't realize that practically every time I start to think "yes", he does a turnaround and starts to upset me, causing me to say "no".  And I know that he sees himself as a wonderful guy and a real catch, and he rarely seems to realize how upset he makes me with all this constant badgering and complaining.  Sometimes I feel like I am literally being pelted with a hailstorm of criticism and complaints.  Not that he's never nice.  But what happens is, he'll be nice for a little while, then he acts like I've failed some kind of test because I haven't acted the way he wanted me to.  Like with the snow.  I don't mean to discount the thoughtfulness of it, and I did tell him that I sincerely appreciated it and that it warmed my heart that he thought of me and wanted to do something for me (which he seemed to doubt for some reason) but it's one thing, one day--I feel like I was supposed to go running into his arms and ride off into the sunset with him.  And when I didn't, then it's like, "Well?  I gave you something.  Now where's what I want, where's the committment?"  Once in the past when I told him that something he had said had hurt me (I don't remember what it was, it was probably something like "when you say things like that to me, it makes me feel bad", but I don't remember what type of thing I was talking about), he told me, "Well, then you shouldn't be with me."  And I thought he meant that I shouldn't be with someone who makes me feel bad.  But then he said something to the effect, "Because I don't want to be with someone who thinks I make them feel bad."  In other words, his concern wasn't about how I felt, right or wrong, because of what he said or did--it was all about him and his self-image.  So recalling all this, I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of losing here.  But I still feel that way.  And judging from some of this things I read on this site, I guess I'm not the only one caught in this trap.

[Aussie0zborn]

You're not the only one caught up in this trap, but it's still early enough for you to get out unscathed.

I read your initial post only up to the sulking bit. I stumbled over many red flags to get to that bit but when I did, I said "enough is enough" and didn't need to read anymore.

They hurt you, you withdraw to have a think about it, and they resent you for "sulking". I would suggest that they resent the "sulking" because... .

(A) you have disengaged from them and therefore not pandering to their emotional needs, and

(B) you openly stopped to think about yourself, rather than thinking about them.

I can't imagine any other reasons for having such an acute hatred of our "sulking" as they call it.

One thing. I noticed in your post is that you are now doubting yourself. If you want to do a self assessment, talk to a therapist - don't base it on his needs. It's your needs that count. If it's like this now, imagine what it might be like when he succeeds in putting a ring on your finger and he (in his own mind at least) "owns" you. There is way too much manipulation and emotional blackmail here in such a short time.

[Sunfl0wer]

So now I've really started to wonder if a lot of this stuff is actually just his way of manipulating me into doing what he wants.  The health traumas draw attention and concern from me.

Trust your instincts here. 

You sound intelligent, articulate, and insightful.

You also sound like you are feeling a lot of pressure to dismiss your own wants and needs for his.  For example him wanting you with him over you working.  This sounds immature, irresponsible and selfish.  It sounds like he is trying to guilt you and he is almost succeeding at gaining this control over you by inducing guilt onto you.

You sound to be focusing a lot on him, what he wants, making sure you are not hurting him, making sure you seem that you are acting reasonable to him. 

I think you are aware of all of this going on completely but are ignoring yourself just a bit.  I wish I could tell you to read your own post and for you to not realize that it is yours.  You would see that you actually have clear insight and know what to do, what is going on, but you are not listening to yourself.

Please listen to yourself!  You make complete sense!

[tjay933]

have you thought of taking some time to "work on yourself"? each of us here take some time each day to work on ourselves. that doesn't mean kicking him to the curb or taking him in. it means taking time to explore those feelings inside you to see where they come from and dealing with them in a healthy way. you can start with the lessons on the side as they can help you to self-examine yourself and through self-examination, we learn about ourselves and from that we can decide where we want to go from there. this is done for you, not for him or for the relationship, for you.

[lolli]

Thank you so much for the replies, and my sincerest apologies for not thanking you all sooner.  I've been working so much this past month I haven't had much of an opportunity to go online, I am very sorry.

Aussie, I think you are right on the money with that.  He definitely seems way more concerned with his own feelings and needs.  I can't say that mine never get addressed, but the focus is on his way more often.  I get the feeling a lot of times that that's supposed to be my function, to fulfill various needs.  For example, if I don't go with him somewhere, it's sometimes "I miss you", but way  more often I hear "I had to go there alone."  And it's not the same thing.  Also, when he is experiencing his carousel of aches and pains, it's "why aren't you here taking care of me?'  

Sunflower, I wish I could look at this objectively, but it's' so hard.  Yet when I read other people's posts, it all seems so clear.  I read someone's post detailing their relationship with their girlfriend, and I just felt like replying:  Look, she's a whacko, break up with her!  But when I think about my  own situation, I just keep thinking, yeah, BUT--

Tjay, I just keep getting sidetracked by all these other thoughts... .

Basically, I feel like I've been walking around with a big knot in my stomach that sometimes becomes a big knot in my chest from all the tension, and I feel like I think about nothing else but yet I can never really make any progress, because I guess because I do spend a lot of time thinking about how he feels, but even when I try to think about how I feel, I feel like I get nowhere.  Here's a typical example of what happens:  This past week, everything seemed okay for a while, then he passed some comments about him wanting me to  make a commitment to him that really hurt my feelings, because I felt like he was basically saying that I should see only him and make that commitment, because only then can we move forward and ultimately get married--but he said it in a way that sounded like he was holding that marriage promise over my head like a treat that i'm supposed to perform for.  The next day, I got very upset through the course of a convesation I don't even recall the beginning of, but i ultimately told him this and he heard how upset I was, said he didn't mean it that way and promised to lighten up on all the pressure.  Then the next day, he told me how he didn't quit the job he was thinking of quitting to show me he's responsible and reliable (I had previously told him that that concerned me--in short, he lives from hand to mouth, doesn't seem to put money aside except for immediate expenses, yet will sometimes just say to me, let's make a baby tonight!), and he seemed to be so nice and understanding that I think, okay, this is great, maybe things can work out.  Then the next day he calls me up, finds out I'm at work, gets pissed off because I'm working "AGAIN", then apologizes, then tells me he's going out to get dinner, then an hour later calls me but I miss the call and call him back about a half hour later (all of this is taking place while i'm at work), then tells me he wanted to stop by to say hello and/or ask me to join him but now he's driven to some other location (and I guess it was too late--it didn't really make a whole  lot of sense to  me, really), then he tells me he's going to a relative's house for easter and asks me what i'm doing.  When i tell him I'll probably stop at a relative's house for a while, he gets really mad, saying, "So, you'll take time off from work for them but not for me!  I guess this is just another reminder of where I stand with you!  Have a good time!"  So I reminded him I have gone over to see him, but he still argued as if it didn't matter, then I said, "I don't think you want me to have a good time", but he didn't hear  me, so i said, "forget it, it's not important", because I knew it would just create an even huger conflict, then he asked me to repeat it, and I kept telling him never mind, forget it (which tells me all the time, mind you), then he says, "You're mumbling mean things to me under your breathe, and you won't even own up to it!", which wasn't even true, I didn't mumble it, he just didn't catch what I said, so I got really pissed and told him I didn't want to tell him because it would just have started an argument, which is what we were having anyway.  Then we both hang up, he texts me later with a few light messages.   The next day, i text him with "have a nice time", he texts me later, "I miss you, do you miss me?", i text back yes, he texts he really misses me, I don't text back right away and then I get "guess you're busy, bye", I text back "I didn't know you texted me", he respondes with "okay", and then several hours later I finally text him again telilng him I hadn't been feeling well, and then I get no response.  So I'm back to having the tension pain again.

I've read the FOG page over and over again, and even though it makes sense to me, I still keep thinking to myself that it's really about unjustified guilt, but mine is really justified.  I feel really awful that he feels bad that I haven't made him my one and only, but a part of me still feels like I'm not really doing anything wrong.  I guess the best way I can put it is, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but I feel like i am.

And the worst part is, I also can't be sure how many of these problems I'm actually creating, and I feel petrified that I'm ruining something I've been longing for.  In other words, I would love to have a partner that I have so much in common with and who wants to be close and spend a lot of time together, etc., in short, everything he says he wants.  Yet something stiill holds me back and i'm afraid now that I'm the one with the "problem"!  I took a bunch of online quizzes to see if I have BPD, but every quiz I took--and I answered the questions honestly--said I don't.

So with so many self-doubts, I just feel like I'm in  turmoil and  I really don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for just going on and on.  Thank you so much for listening, and for the support!