I know how you feel. And I feel for you. It's a hard place to be. Been there. Still wonder some times if it could work after 9 months but then he opens his mouth and I remember-no it can't. someone once said that a pwBPD is best loved from a far. it is true. I'm glad you have some support team in place to help you. it does get easier with time but it doesn't completely go away. the best thing to so is to learn as much as you can about self help as we can only change ourselves and through self help we learn to love ourselves again and understand why we were with a BPD in the first place and how we deserve to be treated and why. at any rate, keep posting and we are here for you.
Thank you TJay. For anyone looking at posts or reading about BPD, unless you've been in it, and I'm not just talking about meeting the people, I'm talking about living it for years and going through this crap over and over and over and over, you just can't believe the type of suffering that the significant others endure.
The pain the suffering the unrepairable damage to us, the time it takes us to get over in fact if we do get over. The betrayal of loving somebody who could never love you the same way or was not intent on loving you the same way.
It's going to be several weeks before I'm out of here, and I'm leaving on my terms unless something goes wrong. My terms are: leaving while she is not here, not seeing her face, not seeing her tears, not seeing her smile, not seeing the child, not seeing her or anything to freaking do with her. I know along the trip home I'll be guilty, I'll be missing her, I'll be crying, I'll be talking about her, I'll be so confused about what happened to my four years of loving her and being here. I gave up New York to be with her in Florida. I left my life behind to come here and join her life. She had not much to change, I had to make most of the changes. When I leave, she'll still have the roof over her head, her child, her parents and siblings and all the people that she had before me. I don't want to think about her life after me, because you know where thinking about what the hell they're doing and who they're screwing and so forth and so on. I want to move on, make my life better get on my feet, and this time, if somebody ends up in my path, they had better be somebody that loves me the way I love them. I have no more room for suffering and wasted years. Thank you again TJay for your response. <3
Also good luck with what's going on in your life. Nine months sounds like a long time, but truly loving somebody and being there victim makes it all the worse. As it's been said, go with your gut feeling if it doesn't seem right or it doesn't seem like it can work, that's for a reason. If you've got nine months of separation under your belt all ready then look at it like a milestone.
