I Just Got Scared.

[DyingLove]

My relationship is over.  I'm in horrible mental condition for about 3 weeks now.  About 2 days ago I was almost at the very end of my rope.  I didn't have a place to go... .that changed yesterday.  I was so confused yesterday.  Today I'm feeling so much more confident and secure.  I'm even focused on what I'm going to start doing with the rest of my life when I get even more on my feet.

Why am I scared?  I talked to the buddy that is coming from NY to help me move in several weeks.  I was skyping with my son and he was there with him.  The EX doesn't normally call or text unless something is necessary to ask or tell me.  I also enjoy not talking (in a sense) because conflict is reduced. During the conversation, two things happened.  First off my son and buddy said to me or really asked, if there was any chance I was going to have second opinions or thoughts.  I didn't delay in saying NO, there was no chance anything could work.  My son said GOOD, because if I did, I would be on my own after all this.  I didn't think anything of it.  Minutes later, the EX texts me and asks if I had any thoughts on dinner.  I replied YES and elaborated.  I had mentioned during the skype that she texted and we kinda made light of it.  Well, at this point, I feel NEEDED that I was asked about dinner.  I almost feel good about the entire ordeal.  I know that the relationship just CANNOT work after the breakup and what transpired as well as four years of BPD grief and stuff.  But why do I have that "is there a chance" feeling?  I'm not liking it.  I don't want to fall for it.  Someone tell me something please.  I know it's gotta be an illusion of some sort.

By the way, I am still under the same roof with the ex.  That is the excruciating part.

[tjay933]

I know how you feel. And I feel for you. It's a hard place to be. Been there. Still wonder some times if it could work after 9 months but then he opens his mouth and I remember-no it can't. someone once said that a pwBPD is best loved from a far. it is true. I'm glad you have some support team in place to help you. it does get easier with time but it doesn't completely go away. the best thing to so is to learn as much as you can about self help as we can only change ourselves and through self help we learn to love ourselves again and understand why we were with a BPD in the first place and how we deserve to be treated and why. at any rate, keep posting and we are here for you. 

[DyingLove]

I know how you feel. And I feel for you. It's a hard place to be. Been there. Still wonder some times if it could work after 9 months but then he opens his mouth and I remember-no it can't. someone once said that a pwBPD is best loved from a far. it is true. I'm glad you have some support team in place to help you. it does get easier with time but it doesn't completely go away. the best thing to so is to learn as much as you can about self help as we can only change ourselves and through self help we learn to love ourselves again and understand why we were with a BPD in the first place and how we deserve to be treated and why. at any rate, keep posting and we are here for you. 

Thank you TJay. For anyone looking at posts or reading about BPD, unless you've been in it, and I'm not just talking about meeting the people, I'm talking about living it for years and going through this crap over and over and over and over, you just can't believe the type of suffering that the significant others endure.

The pain the suffering the unrepairable damage to us, the time it takes us to get over in fact if we do get over. The betrayal of loving somebody who could never love you the same way or was not intent on loving you the same way.

It's going to be several weeks before I'm out of here, and I'm leaving on my terms unless something goes wrong. My terms are: leaving while she is not here, not seeing her face, not seeing her tears, not seeing her smile, not seeing the child, not seeing her or anything to freaking do with her. I know along the trip home I'll be guilty, I'll be missing her, I'll be crying, I'll be talking about her, I'll be so confused about what happened to my four years of loving her and being here. I gave up New York to be with her in Florida. I left my life behind to come here and join her life. She had not much to change, I had to make most of the changes. When I leave, she'll still have the roof over her head, her child, her parents and siblings and all the people that she had before me. I don't want to think about her life after me, because you know where thinking about what the hell they're doing and who they're screwing and so forth and so on. I want to move on, make my life better get on my feet, and this time, if somebody ends up in my path, they had better be somebody that loves me the way I love them. I have no more room for suffering and wasted years. Thank you again TJay for your response. <3

Also good luck with what's going on in your life. Nine months sounds like a long time, but truly loving somebody and being there victim makes it all the worse. As it's been said, go with your gut feeling if it doesn't seem right or it doesn't seem like it can work, that's for a reason. If you've got nine months of separation under your belt all ready then look at it like a milestone.

[tjay933]

keep writing. it's therapeutic to get it all out. have lots of good cries. I know I did-even if I didn't know why. 

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so sorry, DyingLove. It's perfectly understandable to have these scary moments.  Detaching and healing is a process, a journey... .it takes time. You can't just "shut off" your love, or the history and hopes you had.

It's great that you're feeling more confident and focused now, that you're taking care of yourself, and that you have such a good support system. It's very heartening to see you talk about moving on, making your life better, and only surrounding yourself with people who are healthy for you. 

Still wonder some times if it could work after 9 months but then he opens his mouth and I remember-no it can't.

someone once said that a pwBPD is best loved from a far. it is true.

[DyingLove]

Thank you Tjay and HappyNihilist.

Yes, I am venting and I find talking as much as I can to be very very very therapeutic. I have pissed a few people off lately by getting obsessed with things and just chatting and chatting and chatting and chatting about all this lousy negative stuff that normal people don't really understand. But to the people that do understand I get replies and stories and suggestions that really really help me and give me confidence and some security in my decisions. I know that we are in our own little country, not that we want to go to battle with anybody else but if you put us all in one area, I'm sure we could have a nice little commune where we flourish together sharing our woes as well as our happiness. Unfortunate for this situation, we are all mixed up. Regular people BPD people messed up significant others lots a hatred etc. you name it. It always seems I end up back here at the BPD family one way or another when I'm having some type of grief because I know I could find people that relate to me. And for this I am extremely thankful.

I have my days good and bad, considering I don't have many days under my belt yet but I am looking forward and taking care of business to get me the hell out of here. Now if you have never experienced a breakup and staying under the same roof with your BPD, that's a whole new experience. I was just writing to another, that she has taken everything from me smiles, gestures, kindness, touching, sex, you name it. But yet she sleeps in the same bed still, not much of a choice there, and fully undresses and walks around naked in front of me without any shame or reservation. That kinda puzzles me? But once again thank you for your responses and of course I'll be posting here often.