Was this a BPD encounter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I put this initially down to HPD but now I'm not so sure.

Well it all started 10 months ago when I started seeing a woman from work. We were both married so I’m part at fault. After 21 years my marriage had hit a bad spot and I felt unloved and unappreciated. I was the perfect white knight victim as I loved to help and nurture others at home and at work.

She appeared to be a sweet pretty blonde girl with a cute childish nature and clearly lacked in self esteem. In work I saw that she was a bit superficial and at times socially manipulative I witnessed her playing members of staff against each other to gain attention.

She flirted with both sexes and was very “cutie/sweetie” with the men especially. I can recall several occasions where I would be giving her tuition on the computer and she would look over my shoulder deliberately pressing her chest up against my back! She put a massive amount of effort into her looks and spent a fortune on make up.

Over the last few years we had several private conversations and I discovered that she had run up a large amount of debt that she kept hidden from her husband. Being a bit of a financial planner I helped her manage her debts and she eventually told her husband who had already bailed her out a few years ago. She was always complaining about her husband who worked long hours to keep her in her fancy new vehicles and child at private school. On the other hand she told everyone she was “low maintenance and easy to keep.” Sense of entitlement

She had a really affinity for alcohol and drank most nights even when she had to work the next day. When she went to the works outings she wore revealing tops and left her poor husband in the corner whilst she made a scene on the dance floor whilst very drunk.

In an open office one day we had a conversation about sex and she told me that “making love” was crude and that she “only ###$.” Objectification

She constantly acted like a child at times and even confessed to buying a Furbie which she actually talked too!(*mod edit- swearing removed*) for her birthday. She clearly loved attention from any kind of source even negative. I can recall her expecting special treatment after once such dispute where she fell out with some contractors. Despite her causing the problem she would never admit to wrong doing. I have never heard her apologise.

Her moods varied from day to day often to extremes and her energy levels would be as unpredictable as the wind. Conversations would always be focused on her problems, successes, new kitchen/car, child or whatever she wanted to discuss. She would be most put out if a third party interfered a conversation where she was centre stage.

We lift shared and occasionally text about work and very basic personal stuff. It was actually on my birthday when we were sat opposite each other and the provocative texts started. She knew it was my birthday and asked me what I would like. It was here that I first noticed the intense stare that she had. Was this the start of the hyperfocus? I sensed the excitement building and when she took me home in her car we kissed. She was the most intuitive passionate kisser I’d ever experienced.


After that night we met a couple of times for company, kiss and a cuddle. She then started to tell me about her husband and how he never paid her any attention. This was the start of the idealisation and she poured comments into me about my physical features. I found it odd but incredibly intoxicating she seemed fixated on me and I found her to be so alluring.

By now she was texting me all day every day, at first she appeared so genuine and interested in me. I was described as her “soul mate and perfect lover.” She said I was the man that she should have met many years ago and she should never have married her husband. Idealisation ?

The sexting then started and it was jaw dropping as I’d never experienced this before. She expressed every detail so graphically and I was lured in further. We had sex for the first time after this and she was so confident and sensual. I remember her reaction when I took my top off for the first time, she completely lost control of herself and it made me feel so good. (Objectification of me)She was very impulsive and just whispering certain words into her ear triggered a sexual frenzy. It was like she could not resist me as she now described her as “her addiction (supply).”

Then the first split came. She was having a stressful day in work as a result of a difficult decision that I made. I had text her that morning to just say hello and was met with a vitriolic barrage of abuse that resulted in me dumping her. I was shocked at her overreaction and received several vile texts. Splitting?

She was getting very jealous of my wife and my other female friends. She would text me whenever she knew I was in the company of a female friend. She once admitted to spending two hours staring at a photo of me and my wife that she had placed on facebook.

A couple of weeks later she confided in me that she had a really bad childhood and that she was a seriously bad attention seeker in her teens. On one occasion she said that she had been raped by a drug addict at 15 years after she chased him for attention. She also was hospitalised with an eating disorder in her late teens. This was told in a typical dramatic style with much theatrics. She told me how many years ago she had had sexual encounters with other males whilst her husband watched and even joined in. Also admitted to a lesbian encounter.

She had frequent arguments with all of her family members and described her relationship with her father as "controlling and distant."

She then ignored me for a few days and I actually called her and apologised. After a few haughty texts we agreed to carry on our affair and we both admitted that we were now “emotionally involved.” She was desperate to be “mine” and the texts continued. We met for sex a few more times and I wanted more but she was now saying that her husband was becoming aware that she was emotionally absent and that she was struggling to perform in bed with him.

At this point she told me that last year she had been sexting and had arranged to meet another man . Her husband intercepted the messages and actually met them confronting her. She said if she was in a relationship with me she would never cheat as I was all she would ever need.

Then came the demands, “fix my computer” “make me some cakes” “help me” “massage my poor aching body.” Me Me Me Me Me. It was like pouring affection into the proverbial leaking bucket.

Suddenly she stopped being so keen to meet up or if we did it was brief and rather impersonal. She called off several times and her texts became colder and less frequent. Classic push-pull as I’d then move away and a text asking me to “dominate her” would pop up! She would always expect me to chase her. She would rarely initiate a text conversation unless she wanted something.

At this point I decided that this relationship was pointless and that it had made me realise how much of a real woman my wife truly is. I called the whole thing off and was met with a massive barrage of abuse as I blocked her on Facebook. She begged me to remain friends and I once again agreed and the kissing started again. She was thrilled to be “mine” again. Fear of abandonment/loss of supply

“I can’t live without you”

She went away on holiday for a few weeks with her family and asked me not to text her as she couldn’t get phone reception where she was. Whilst she was away I noticed that she was still using facebook but couldn’t be bothered to even send a basic hello to me. Obviously getting her supply!

Something twigged in me and I simply put “impulsive woman” into google and discovered that worlds of both HPD and BPD. Everything fell into place and thanks to the wonderful HPD’s/NONS on this forum I now understand what she is.

It’s not her fault but it’s also not my responsibility. I felt for this girl but thank f**K I didn’t get dragged into her clutches of the trap of the fan club. I refused to be a fan and I’m damn proud of what I did in the end.

Anyway, despite what I now suspected I actually missed contacting her and I think I was addicted to her. It was very intense when re reunited and I then felt like I actually had fallen in love with this woman. I told her one day and she said she loved me back after I had told her a few times. After this she decided suddenly to “concentrate on her marriage.” She became very distant but always wanted to be a “friend.”

She then tried hitting it off on facebook with a car salesman who she idealised with comments after he sold her a new car. God she is soo f***ing stupid!

Then she befriended my brother and the sexual innuendos started with him.

I bought gifts, gave her time, showered her with kindness and affection. I helped her whenever i could.

In 10 months she bought me a bag of crisps and told me I had a fit body... .

Sucker... .ops:

I completely disowned her three weeks ago but still have to see her in work. She is blocked on facebook and I have deleted all numbers. Most of the time I am barely civil to her and every day there is always some sort of drama in her life. I smile every time she tells her tales of excitement or woe with her childish manner.

She doesn’t even appear to know what personality disorders are. I had a conversation about HPD with one of our medical staff in front of her and she didn’t bat an eyelid.

She still creates chaos where ever she treads, leaves a trail of crap, broken promises. Her husband has stress related illnesses at just 39 years old and is losing his sight in one eye which she blames on his job.

I had no idea about this from the start and can honestly say that this is the worst thing i have done in my life. Even thought we went undiscovered I have let everyone down and I cry with guilt for my wife and three kids. I have to tell this story to open the eyes of others.

She is a manipulating, controlling ,jealous and fully aware of what she is doing. That much is very clear!

Stay very clear and run a mile like everyone tells you... .

[forkingmadbeach]

I put this initially down to HPD but now I'm not so sure.

Well it all started 10 months ago when I started seeing a woman from work. We were both married so I’m part at fault. After 21 years my marriage had hit a bad spot and I felt unloved and unappreciated. I was the perfect white knight victim as I loved to help and nurture others at home and at work.

She appeared to be a sweet pretty blonde girl with a cute childish nature and clearly lacked in self esteem. In work I saw that she was a bit superficial and at times socially manipulative I witnessed her playing members of staff against each other to gain attention.

She flirted with both sexes and was very “cutie/sweetie” with the men especially. I can recall several occasions where I would be giving her tuition on the computer and she would look over my shoulder deliberately pressing her chest up against my back! She put a massive amount of effort into her looks and spent a fortune on make up.

Over the last few years we had several private conversations and I discovered that she had run up a large amount of debt that she kept hidden from her husband. Being a bit of a financial planner I helped her manage her debts and she eventually told her husband who had already bailed her out a few years ago. She was always complaining about her husband who worked long hours to keep her in her fancy new vehicles and child at private school. On the other hand she told everyone she was “low maintenance and easy to keep.” Sense of entitlement

She had a really affinity for alcohol and drank most nights even when she had to work the next day. When she went to the works outings she wore revealing tops and left her poor husband in the corner whilst she made a scene on the dance floor whilst very drunk.

In an open office one day we had a conversation about sex and she told me that “making love” was crude and that she “only ###$.” Objectification

She constantly acted like a child at times and even confessed to buying a Furbie which she actually talked too!(*mod edit- swearing removed*) for her birthday. She clearly loved attention from any kind of source even negative. I can recall her expecting special treatment after once such dispute where she fell out with some contractors. Despite her causing the problem she would never admit to wrong doing. I have never heard her apologise.

Her moods varied from day to day often to extremes and her energy levels would be as unpredictable as the wind. Conversations would always be focused on her problems, successes, new kitchen/car, child or whatever she wanted to discuss. She would be most put out if a third party interfered a conversation where she was centre stage.

We lift shared and occasionally text about work and very basic personal stuff. It was actually on my birthday when we were sat opposite each other and the provocative texts started. She knew it was my birthday and asked me what I would like. It was here that I first noticed the intense stare that she had. Was this the start of the hyperfocus? I sensed the excitement building and when she took me home in her car we kissed. She was the most intuitive passionate kisser I’d ever experienced.


After that night we met a couple of times for company, kiss and a cuddle. She then started to tell me about her husband and how he never paid her any attention. This was the start of the idealisation and she poured comments into me about my physical features. I found it odd but incredibly intoxicating she seemed fixated on me and I found her to be so alluring.

By now she was texting me all day every day, at first she appeared so genuine and interested in me. I was described as her “soul mate and perfect lover.” She said I was the man that she should have met many years ago and she should never have married her husband. Idealisation ?

The sexting then started and it was jaw dropping as I’d never experienced this before. She expressed every detail so graphically and I was lured in further. We had sex for the first time after this and she was so confident and sensual. I remember her reaction when I took my top off for the first time, she completely lost control of herself and it made me feel so good. (Objectification of me)She was very impulsive and just whispering certain words into her ear triggered a sexual frenzy. It was like she could not resist me as she now described her as “her addiction (supply).”

Then the first split came. She was having a stressful day in work as a result of a difficult decision that I made. I had text her that morning to just say hello and was met with a vitriolic barrage of abuse that resulted in me dumping her. I was shocked at her overreaction and received several vile texts. Splitting?

She was getting very jealous of my wife and my other female friends. She would text me whenever she knew I was in the company of a female friend. She once admitted to spending two hours staring at a photo of me and my wife that she had placed on facebook.

A couple of weeks later she confided in me that she had a really bad childhood and that she was a seriously bad attention seeker in her teens. On one occasion she said that she had been raped by a drug addict at 15 years after she chased him for attention. She also was hospitalised with an eating disorder in her late teens. This was told in a typical dramatic style with much theatrics. She told me how many years ago she had had sexual encounters with other males whilst her husband watched and even joined in. Also admitted to a lesbian encounter.

She had frequent arguments with all of her family members and described her relationship with her father as "controlling and distant."

She then ignored me for a few days and I actually called her and apologised. After a few haughty texts we agreed to carry on our affair and we both admitted that we were now “emotionally involved.” She was desperate to be “mine” and the texts continued. We met for sex a few more times and I wanted more but she was now saying that her husband was becoming aware that she was emotionally absent and that she was struggling to perform in bed with him.

At this point she told me that last year she had been sexting and had arranged to meet another man . Her husband intercepted the messages and actually met them confronting her. She said if she was in a relationship with me she would never cheat as I was all she would ever need.

Then came the demands, “fix my computer” “make me some cakes” “help me” “massage my poor aching body.” Me Me Me Me Me. It was like pouring affection into the proverbial leaking bucket.

Suddenly she stopped being so keen to meet up or if we did it was brief and rather impersonal. She called off several times and her texts became colder and less frequent. Classic push-pull as I’d then move away and a text asking me to “dominate her” would pop up! She would always expect me to chase her. She would rarely initiate a text conversation unless she wanted something.

At this point I decided that this relationship was pointless and that it had made me realise how much of a real woman my wife truly is. I called the whole thing off and was met with a massive barrage of abuse as I blocked her on Facebook. She begged me to remain friends and I once again agreed and the kissing started again. She was thrilled to be “mine” again. Fear of abandonment/loss of supply

“I can’t live without you”

She went away on holiday for a few weeks with her family and asked me not to text her as she couldn’t get phone reception where she was. Whilst she was away I noticed that she was still using facebook but couldn’t be bothered to even send a basic hello to me. Obviously getting her supply!

Something twigged in me and I simply put “impulsive woman” into google and discovered that worlds of both HPD and BPD. Everything fell into place and thanks to the wonderful HPD’s/NONS on this forum I now understand what she is.

It’s not her fault but it’s also not my responsibility. I felt for this girl but thank f**K I didn’t get dragged into her clutches of the trap of the fan club. I refused to be a fan and I’m damn proud of what I did in the end.

Anyway, despite what I now suspected I actually missed contacting her and I think I was addicted to her. It was very intense when re reunited and I then felt like I actually had fallen in love with this woman. I told her one day and she said she loved me back after I had told her a few times. After this she decided suddenly to “concentrate on her marriage.” She became very distant but always wanted to be a “friend.”

She then tried hitting it off on facebook with a car salesman who she idealised with comments after he sold her a new car. God she is soo f***ing stupid!

Then she befriended my brother and the sexual innuendos started with him.

I bought gifts, gave her time, showered her with kindness and affection. I helped her whenever i could.

In 10 months she bought me a bag of crisps and told me I had a fit body... .

Sucker... .ops:

I completely disowned her three weeks ago but still have to see her in work. She is blocked on facebook and I have deleted all numbers. Most of the time I am barely civil to her and every day there is always some sort of drama in her life. I smile every time she tells her tales of excitement or woe with her childish manner.

She doesn’t even appear to know what personality disorders are. I had a conversation about HPD with one of our medical staff in front of her and she didn’t bat an eyelid.

She still creates chaos where ever she treads, leaves a trail of crap, broken promises. Her husband has stress related illnesses at just 39 years old and is losing his sight in one eye which she blames on his job.

I had no idea about this from the start and can honestly say that this is the worst thing i have done in my life. Even thought we went undiscovered I have let everyone down and I cry with guilt for my wife and three kids. I have to tell this story to open the eyes of others.

She is a manipulating, controlling ,jealous and fully aware of what she is doing. That much is very clear!

Stay very clear and run a mile like everyone tells you... .

[Mutt]

Hi forkingmadbeach, 



It sounds like you have a good grasp on mental illness and her behaviors.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. What we can look at are traits and what behaviors are acceptable to use and boundaries for those types of behaviors.

How's the work environment with her? Is it difficult?

[forkingmadbeach]

Hello Mutt good to meet you

So far work has been a mix of being:

Ignored completely.

Telling me that I'm no longer blocked on her phone to which I replied "what we had was in the past and will not happen again." Then I was ignored for the rest of the shift. I am now blocked again.

Several attempts at engaging me in conversation when we are alone asking about my personal life/hobbies.

"Can you fix my laptop, you done such a good job last time." This has already been previously used as a charm manoeuvre.

Snapping at me after I pulled her up on a non compliance issue. Then had a verbal rage in front of others where she tried to belittle me. Then telling me off for ignoring her and that I should "act normal or someone will suspect."

Treating everyone else in the office like they are her very best friends but ignoring me until I get involved and when I crack a really funny joke making everyone laugh she joins in like she's my best friend. Sex related humour of course which are the only jokes she seems to understand.

Coming into work with her hair and make up fully done up (how she knows I like it)buying me a bag of crisps (the only show of generosity in 10 months!) and being REALLY REALLY nice before taking me to one side saying how desperate she is to talk to me. I smell a "charm."

At the moment she appears unkempt and is always ill and coughing. She looks tired and drained since we parted. The last time we "split" and made up she was really happy telling me how I have improved her self esteem/confidence. Also that "life wasn't the same without me and I was part of her."

I have shifts alone with her this week and I'm confident that I will not tolerate any crap.

I'm fairly sure that she is either HPD/BPD. The traits are all there and she has a massive fear of abandonment as she seriously rages when I reject her or delete he on facebook.  She is constantly on her phone. Facebook portrays her as the perfect wife/mother with lots of "I love my hubby" quotes.

She reacts disproportionately to stress and splits me black very quickly in conversation often in front of others.

She comes from a broken family with a very stern distant father. She has massive arguments with her sister but seems to rage and forget. She disclosed a serious sexual assault that occurred in her mid teens after she was attention seeking from older males.

Outside of work she has no hobbies other than pets and has a long history of starting projects/learning but not finishing any of them.

She impulsively eats carbohydrates when stressed and once admitted that she was so frustrated at not being able to see me she sat eating biscuits for two hours non stop.

Even now when I talk to other women in the office she stares at me drops what she is doing and focuses on our conversation. She has a very alluring fixated stare that can either be so sexy or vindictive.

She has really serious issues with jealousy but not with her husband who she keeps trying to push away onto other women!

She drinks nearly every day is very impulsive and has little self control when it comes to food, sex, loosing her temper or alcohol.

She gets fixated and obsessed with people, especially men who are muscular and dominant. Has admitted to admiring bad traits in others and actually wished that I had a more evil side!

She has no real close friends and seems to forget people until she sees them. When we were seeing each other she would be constantly messaging me and would be soo flirty and cute. If she didn't see me for a week the texts would drop off and I would always be the one chasing her. I suspect object constancy issues. She always forgets things especially all the little things that I have done for her. Her life is run by writing lists and gets really stressed when people cancel plans that involve her.

Her other half has recently been suffering from serious stress. It sounds like she is destroying him :'(

[forkingmadbeach]

Oh and she constantly mirrored everything I did from music taste to a new fitness campaign. Liked the same animals and food as me too. She just seems so empty and lacked her own identity.

She also has no concept of money, investment or financial management. Her impulses cause her to overspend and she has racked up over £30,000 worth of debt that she initially kept hidden from her husband.

[Mutt]

Hi forkingmadbeach,

I'm sorry your going through to this. It sounds incredibly difficult and uncomfortable in the workplace.

Is this the first time you've worked alone together?  What's she like if you don't take anything from her?

[Infared]

"Well it all started 10 months ago when I started seeing a woman from work. We were both married so I’m part at fault"

I stopped reading right here.

What ever problems you are having... .please take responsibility.

You earned all of them by making the choices that YOU made.

End of story.

[going places]

I continued to skim after I read you were married and chose to commit adultery instead of work on your marriage.

Since I was young (early 20's) my own personal rule was this: You don't get your meat where you get your bread.

My ex destroyed our family because he chose to live in fantasy la la land and have an affair with a female at his office.

Being an AS / N he got off on the 'attention' she paid him... .never once considered the character of a female willing to destroy a family to get what she wants... .

And guess what?

He ended up quitting that job because he was 'afraid people in the office knew'.

Well duh fool, of course they knew.

Sorry. No mercy here.

I was on the receiving end of a man I THOUGHT was one person, only to find out HE was not only NOT as he appeared, but he was a monster... .a monster.

What his self-absorded decision did to his children is reprehensible.

I wished Karma, was real.

[downwhim]

I have to agree with Going Places and Infared,

Whether or not your "friend" at work is BPD does not matter at this point. Your job should be to face the fact your a married man and have cheated on your wife and children. We are not counselors here but many of us have been through similar experiences.

My ex husband conveniently cheated on me with a woman from work. It destroyed a 22 year marriage and my 3 children were a wreck for years from it. If you think people at work don't know or someone will not blow the whistle you are wrong.

Be honest with yourself is all I can say. My opinion is you need MC. and to go N/c with the chick from work if that is at all possible. Your actions are hurting so many innocent people. I have empathy for your wife and kids as I have been on the other side and seen and felt the damage.

[Maternus]

"Well it all started 10 months ago when I started seeing a woman from work. We were both married so I’m part at fault"

I stopped reading right here.

What ever problems you are having... .please take responsibility.

You earned all of them by making the choices that YOU made.

End of story.

Sorry, I don't think that's the end of the story. It's the beginning. We are all human beings and we all make mistakes. And sometimes we make mistakes, that hurt others. Cheating is a mistake. No question. But I think, some of us, who fell for pwBPD, have to make this mistake to learn. I was in the same situation as forkingmadbeach. I was married, the marriage went downhill and I met another woman, who was lovebombing me.

I wrote about in another part of the board:

If a person can juggle / balance this many negative emotions INSIDE with a smile on their face and an "I love you too" on the phone while committing adultery?

That is not someone I ever want to be around.

I must admit, I have done that. This is how the marriage with my nonBPDexw ended, while I was love bombed by my uBPDexgf. It is nothing I am proud of. But the last years of our marriage was like lying in a tomb for both of us. We were together for 25 years and married for 10 years. The relationship was absolutely fantastic and peaceful and full of true intimacy over the first 20 years, but when we moved closer to my dysfunctional family everything went downhill. My family started to triangulate our marriage, my mother conquered my wife as her best friend until it felt like I was married to my mother in the end.

About 4 years later the same happened to me. My uBPDex told me she love me, while she was hanging out with her affair who became my replacement. But one thing was different. I didn't tell my non-ex that I cheated on her because of things she had done. I told her that I feel there's something very wrong with me and my life. Today I know what was wrong, it was my families influence on our life. My uBPDex told me, she cheated on me and left me, because I was spending too much time working, had not enough time for her, showed too little interest in having sex with her (after she used sex as a weapon to control me, I actually stopped to initiate sex). 

Many of us, who fell in love with a pwBPD or another cluster-b-disordered person, have issues that are rooted in our FOO. When we are in a relationship with a non, we sometimes miss the drama, the rollercoaster ride. We don't know, what is normal, we don't know, what a normal relationship looks like and how true intimacy and peaceful love feels. When you have a father with BPD/NPD/ASPD, who tells you, that you have to be a Don Juan or Casanova to be a real man, you are always questioning yourself, your long term relationships, your sexuality. You were raised in a family, where adultery, rebound relationships, promiscuity are "normal".  Some weeks after my uBPDex broke up with me I met my father and told him about the breakup, he said "That's the natural way of life. Don't look back. Move on and find another woman."

I know, that it was wrong to cheat, to have an affair with my uBPDex while I was still in a relationship with my non-ex-wife. But it was the first time in my life, my father was proud of me. "Now you are making the right decisions, my son." It was a mistake, but my father told me, it was the best decision in my life. And yes, it was  a good decision. Now I know, that I was wrong about my father. He is the crazy making, disordered person. Not me. It was a hurtful lesson. But maybe it was the only way for me to see through the FOG of my FOO.

[Mutt]

I think what's more important than the life choices that we make is the common denominator is we have someone in our lives with a complex, misunderstood disorder and trying to navigate our way. BPD is tough stuff. It helps to talk to other non-disordered individuals that have a difficult ex-partner, family member, friend for support.

[going places]

I have to agree with Going Places and Infared,

Whether or not your "friend" at work is BPD does not matter at this point. Your job should be to face the fact your a married man and have cheated on your wife and children. We are not counselors here but many of us have been through similar experiences.

My ex husband conveniently cheated on me with a woman from work. It destroyed a 22 year marriage and my 3 children were a wreck for years from it. If you think people at work don't know or someone will not blow the whistle you are wrong.

Be honest with yourself is all I can say. My opinion is you need MC. and to go N/c with the chick from work if that is at all possible. Your actions are hurting so many innocent people. I have empathy for your wife and kids as I have been on the other side and seen and felt the damage.

Personal Responsibility.

Own it.

I have no stomach for excuses.

A choice was made.

Person A chose to follow their 'feelings' and their 'desires' for person B OVER their VOW of commitment to their spouse, and family.

Choice A be a person of honor and integrity

This person will work on the marriage, or will end the marriage. But not because they have found a replacement; it ends because they have put in the work, and the other party is not interested in working.

Choice B be a person who makes excuses, blame shifts, chooses to be led by their feelings and emotions, and disregard commitments and how much damage will be done to innocent people... .

This person has no idea, care or concern who they hurt as long as THEIR needs are being met.

Disgusting...

The End.

[HappyNihilist]

 Hi there, forkingmadbeach. I'm sorry you're dealing with this difficult situation. 

It's rough when you end a relationship and still work with the person, regardless of possible personality disorders. Possible BPD/HPD adds its own special issues onto that.

How do you feel about continuing to work with her? Especially the shifts where it will be just the two of you?

I think what's more important than the life choices that we make is the common denominator is we have someone in our lives with a complex, misunderstood disorder and trying to navigate our way. BPD is tough stuff. It helps to talk to other non-disordered individuals that have a difficult ex-partner, family member, friend for support.

A lot of members here had partners who cheated, so it's very understandable that the topic of infidelity can be triggering. But we all need a safe place to talk, with people who understand the difficult, complicated world of disordered relationships.

[Infared]

I like to be supportive to others on this website who are in the throws of the damage that is created when a person is involved in one of these destructive relationships. There are so many decent people her who need support after having their lives and their hearts turned upside down after being involved with a pwBPD

.

... .and God knows I have done my share of pouring out about the bad behaviors my ex exhibited. ... but I went into my relationship with love and integrity. I showed up and was there 100%. I was also respectful of my ex and never, not once, called her a derogatory name during or after the relationship. (I was treated extremely unkindly by her, repeatedly and at times, brutally.

My problem here is that I take offense to someone coming onto this website with a name like "ForkingMadBeach" (It just so speaks to the person who created it), who was out cheating on his wife and disrespecting his family. A person who is devastating/devastated other lives for his immediate self-centered drama, and needs. FMB (I won't type the name again... it's just soo wrong and disrespectful and lacks any empathy). A person who wants to minimize his responsibility and sweep that off to the side and tell his tale of woe that HE created and expects to get empathy and support here for the fallout from his own transgressions.

Sorry... .but with a name like that and his minimizing of his lack of character he will get none from me.

I feel I need to speak out about this. This person insults the integrity of this website IMO...

I know that everyone does not have my viewpoint, and that's OK, too.

[downwhim]

Once again, we will not all agree on your thread but Going Places and Infared I am 100 percent in behind you. Your words are my words. Integrity and honesty are important here.

FB, when you let your feelings control you, make poor choices, lie to your wife and children while you play this game of on and off again with your BPDgf at work, well I for one have no empathy.

Possible outcomes: you get fired, your wife divorces you, your children are split between homes and a mess, your BPDgf continues to taunt you with sex and push/pull, you have lost the respect of many... .what is it you want? Is it that you are the stud at work? Did you need to prove you could get someone else? The excuse your wife is now your mother is just an excuse. The damage you are doing right now is not worth it. I promise you this will all backfire.

Dealing with the BPDgf is the least of your worries. The drama you created will continue as long as you let it. That is why people on here go N/C to get out of drama not create it.

I think you should get personal counseling and figure out how you can deal with your FOO issues and work on your marriage and family. Do the right thing. Be a stand up guy.

You can get angry at me for saying this, others on here may not agree, we all have a right to state how we feel.

[Maternus]

You can get angry at me for saying this, others on here may not agree, we all have a right to state how we feel.

I agree with you. Adultery is an immature and hurtful crime. What I have done to my non-ex was brutal and absolutely selfish - it was a pure act of narcissism... .and I was questioning myself, if I am a person with NPD, BPD or another Cluster-B personality disorder. I don't disagree with those of you, who had their own values and strong boundaries before they had their first encounter with a disordered personality. My first encounter with disordered personalities was my conception.  My whole concept of love was disordered from the beginning. But I spent more than 20 years with my non-ex, without cheating, without ever thinking of cheating. But I spent all those years without knowing who I really am. It took me 45 years of living and a failed marriage and a failed BPD relationship, to find out, who I am.

I was a narcissistic ___hole for a long time of my life. But that was not me, that what was I wanted to be. I wanted to be like my father. But I never was like him. He was in my head all my life, he was the audience of my inner monologues. He was the one, I had to impress, to win my self back. But I never managed to impress him.

Now I know, that there is no way, to impress him. He's a self absorbed cluster-b-personality. And I am frightened that I am a cluster-b too, and hurtful to other people.