Introduction

[SimpleGift]

39 year old married mom of three boys. Mom's undiagnosed BPD, hystrionic, narcissist. Everything is about her. She's outrageously insulting and judgemental and when you call her on it, it's because you're overly sensitive or weak. She hates anyone who's ill, especially, because they're weak. My brother and I grew up constantly trying to avoid her rages and big scenes. We never had friends over or wanted her to go places because she was so embarrassingly mean. I'm adopted and was told from a young age how lucky I was to be so. And how my birth mother was no better than an alley cat. I met my birth mother and began a really nice relationship with her and my half sister. My mother freaked and refuses to talk about either of them. Even after my birth mother passed away. All she said was "oh. That's too bad".

I found this forum while searching for how to set boundaries between her and my middle son who is 7 and has become her latest target. She cannot stand anyone who is not like her - average intelligence, outgoing, boisterous, competitive. My son is very much like me- introspective, quiet, not competive, sensitive and affectionate. She calls him a mommy's boy, a sissy, a whiner. She also has a horrible relationship with food. Being thin is everything to her so when he asked for a banana before dinner she snapped at him bad enough for him to cry. I grew up with this behavior, coupled with being adopted, I felt unworthy of nourishment. It caused nearly 30 years worth of disordered eating.

I've explained that grandma is sick. But I don't know how much he understands. I understand she's sick and she still can get at me. Wondering how to make him strong against her without having to completely cut her out.

[tjay933]

welcome to the group. feel free to ask anything. we will try to answer you.

i also had to explain to my son about his dad but he was a bit older than your son is. it was after my BPDh caused my son to get so upset and run crying to his room. just explained that dad is not well and the doctors are trying to help him. we don't know if they can or not. told him that is why he acts that way and the best thing is to just leave the room when he gets that way. and gave him some options for what to do when he gets that way. tried to keep it as simple and straight forward as possible. my son is also very sensitive and a "momma's boy". i don't see anything wrong with that myself. his best friend is also a "momma's boy". they get along great.

have you done much research on BPDs yet? i found it very helpful to get as much knowledge about the condition as possible. i found that it led me to other aspects of myself that i hadn't known about. i feel the best place to start is with knowledge and talking about it with others.

[clljhns]

  SimpleGift,


I am so glad that you found the site, but so sorry to hear about your struggles with BPDmom.

I found this forum while searching for how to set boundaries between her and my middle son who is 7 and has become her latest target. She cannot stand anyone who is not like her - average intelligence, outgoing, boisterous, competitive. My son is very much like me- introspective, quiet, not competive, sensitive and affectionate. She calls him a mommy's boy, a sissy, a whiner. She also has a horrible relationship with food. Being thin is everything to her so when he asked for a banana before dinner she snapped at him bad enough for him to cry. I grew up with this behavior, coupled with being adopted, I felt unworthy of nourishment. It caused nearly 30 years worth of disordered eating.

Does mom live with you? How much contact does mom have with your children?

As a parent, I understand how important it is to protect your son from these hurtful comments. Have you set any boundaries with mom?

I've explained that grandma is sick. But I don't know how much he understands

I think you are right that he probably doesn't have clear understanding of grandma's illness. For a child this age, he only knows sickness from his frame of reference; ie cold, stomach ache, headache. What can you do that will protect your son from mom's hurtful comments to your son?

How do you feel about setting boundaries with mom?

Wishing you all he best and looking forward to hearing from you. 

[Turkish]

Hello SimpleGift,

I'like to join tjay933 and clljhns in welcoming you!

On other boards, we talk about parental alienation, but grandparent alienation might be a bit similar in that your son is too young to understand a lot yet, and it can be hard to validate his feelings, especially if he is attached to your mom. Do you see it that way, or has he already figured out that something's going on with her? Better a momma's boy than a grandma's boy, regardless of her behaviors. You're your son's mom, and he's your primary family, so I'm glad you found your way here for support.

How often do you see her, or does she live with you? How did your son feel about that comment?

I'm also adopted, and when my mom would split me black and say, "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" I would think to myself, "you and me both!"

[SimpleGift]

Thank you all so much for the replies. I'm still learning how to use the forum, so I apologize for the mass reply here.

We live about 3.5 hrs from mom. She insists on all holidays spent together. Always there. Will not agree to spend any with me because she won't give up control. According to her I don't do holidays as well as she, the house is too small, too country, too old. Etc etc.

My little guy understands just that her brain works differently and that she says things that she doesn't know are hurtful. Breaks my heart (and ticks me off) to see her take shots at him but dote on my 18 year old, who spends entire summers with them.

The problem is, I'm not sure what I want. Ideally, I'd love for her to get help and stop being so horrid. But she thinks there's nothing at all wrong with her. It's everyone else who are just sissies. I vascillate between wanting a better relationship and wanting no relationship.

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's split your 18 year old as the "good" child, and your 7 year old as the "bad" child (in a way), over-intentifying him with you 

I think you have every right to protect your young son from her emtional and verbal abuse, up to and including asserting a boundary that you won't do holidays at her home anymore.

It's so tough for children of borderline parents to assert boundaries. Most of us grew up with a parent who relied on us to complete their identities. We can carry this well into adulthood, their puntive parent voice, like resulting in your eating disorder for nearly 30 years. You have a right, however, to be yourself, and so does your young son. Asserting boundaries can be tough, as it's unknown territory, but it's something that we can learn... .to undo the damage. You are aware of the damage that your mother caused to you, and that's a good step. Can you walk towards asserting your values, no matter her reaction, or probable "guilting?"

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence