And Back to Depression

[mrwigand]

I ended the relationship with my 24 year old BPDex girlfriend, but we actually ended things on relatively good terms and said we wanted to be friends. But I had been keeping my distance and communicating with her barely at all as the breakup was still fairly fresh. Then - she invited me to attend this party at a bar she would be DJing at. It had been a while since I had seen her and one of my other friends was going, so I thought I could handle it.

Well, my ex texts me tonight asking, "I have a weird question to ask you. Are we good? Like everything between us?" I tell her everything is cool, but I haven't been communicative and such because I'm still processing the breakup. She says everything is cool, but there's a situation: "here is the thing: there is someone I'm interested in. Taking things really slow, but I invited him to my DJ event before you, wasn't sure you were gonna be available. I don't want to put you in an awkward position though, because I care about you. It may not materialize into anything, but I want to respect you."

I appreciate her putting it in delicate terms, and I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt me, but at the same time this situation feels a little unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I think it's totally fair for her to see someone new, but why invite me if you were planning on inviting this guy. It could only lead to this conversation which albeit was not some catastrophic conversation. I guess from my perspective I wouldn't have even put myself in a position to have a conversation like this with my ex, because I wouldn't want to shove in their face that I'm seeing someone new. I know it's unfair to hold her to some arbitrary standard like that.

Also, I recognize that this is my fault too. I'm the one who said we could remain friends, so from her perspective she probably thought this was the best way to bring it up. Also, she has BPD so this could just be part of a pattern of predictable behavior that I shouldn't take personally. I set myself to be hurt here and I accept that. I just have to adjust so I don't needlessly put myself in this situation again. It's not necessarily anyone's fault, but I'm just feeling down now.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sorry to hear this has put you into a state of depression mrwigand.  I hope my advice does not come across as insensitive but honesty to ourselves and others is key to getting over this sort of nightmare.  My take on this one is that your ex is displaying typical BPD behaviour.  I would be surprised if the new man is not already warming her bed.  The invite to the party again is typical BPD behaviour - triangulation.  You are exposing yourself to typical bait and dump tactics.  The route out of your depression consists of No Contact - complete radio silence.  Take back your self respect.  Begin the inward process of examination.  Begin to heal. Good luck mrwigand.

[mrwigand]

Thanks for your reply. Firstly, I don't think there's anything insensitive about your reply at all. Quite the opposite.

Like I said, I don't think this situation was necessary on her part, but I also recognize that I set myself up for this by not making appropriate choices for me. I think I'm finally ready for no contact, and not even because I think I'm necessarily being unfairly treated (certainly, I think normally there is a way for this situation to be handled where one ex doesn't have to tell the other, "actually, you know that party I invited you to... .You probably shouldn't come because my new boyfriend will be there" but just because contact is too painful for me personally.

[mrwigand]

And by the way, when I say "and back to depression", I mean more that I thought I was maybe on acceptance in the grieving process and now I'm back to depression haha. I'm not severely depressed or anything. This is my first encounter with the notion that I've been "replaced", and while I had a strong emotional reaction to it, I'm not devastated. It just feels like one step forward, two steps back .