Trying to go LC but the 'life emergencies' always come up

[Smile41869]

Hi Bpd family,

I have over the last year been slowly cutting back contact with my uBPDm, my plan was to limit contact to once a week calls with perhaps a text message or two but no more.

For the most part she is accepting it somewhat, however inevitably I still hear from her every other day by way of text/ email or something. I am finding that I still feel the same level of obligation, guilt and burden as I had felt with daily contact.

Every time I try to push contact out further there is the inevitable emergency or drama that she emails, texts and calls me about.

At current, I took a one month vacation overseas. Slowly it has turned into a barrage of 'problems' that i must immediately discuss with her. With every email and text I feel more guilt yet I am also more paralysed to respond. I dread the 'woe is me' conversation that I know is coming and I just don't want to face it.

I am feeling like no matter how much I cut down on contact I never really gain any control or ability to actually manage our contact.

Ideally, I want to just be able to contact her when it suits. Maybe it's fortnightly, or less. I feel like it's hopeless though as the guilt and burden of her 'problems' builds up every time I try to take a break. Now she has health emergencies which she will milk for all their worth. I feel for her in that she really does not have other family support. Yet she does have many friends and I can't possibly be solely responsible to manage her issues, I live 5000 miles away - intentionally - and I want to live my own life.

Have other people found successful strategies to going LC, and how do you deal with the inevitable crisis and health problems when they arise?

How do you deal with wanting to just cut them off, when in fact you do need to call them and face the music regarding health problems?

I have so much resentment and I am so tired of the burden.

Would love to hear from others on this. Thank you.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Smile

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with this. it is fairly typical though for BPDm's to push boundaries. Mine I think depends on me feeling guilty enough to continue putting up with the shifting of those boundaries. I have learned that it is for my own protection to state what I want even if she refuses to observe what I state.

I have found it useful to compare with other more reasonable people how they respond.

Also with how I would respond to people who ask for me to respect their boundaries.

Part of that has been learning to tolerate a certain level of guilt. I look to the fact that it is simply not nice to guilt trip people into doing things for you. Particularly after they have said they don't want to. What gives some people the right to override my desires? Aren't I the best person to determine what is right for me?

These are some of the questions I would consider asking myself.

Again I compare with what other more normal mothers want from their children. They appear to me to give more and compromise more and thus find a  more peaceful relationship.

In other things I take an 'accounting' view.

Eg my uBPDm refuses to accept my request that she limit the endless detail in which she talks about people I don't know and people they are related to whom I'm never likely to meet to tell a story or 7 that inevitably end with how much people love her and how wonderful she is.

Because of her refusal to accept a reasonable request (indeed it is met with me being insulted "Oh your attention span is too short" I have decided that when she does this, I will tune out and think about other things.

This is micro management I know but it achieves my end with a personal 'win' in that I don't have to listen. And if she calls me on it I refer her to her own words - "I have a short attention span remember?"

In essence can you pick one or two minor behaviours that she has eg her health issues and work out  a plan that that serves you? Like giving her a brochure for a doctor or health professional who can deal with her problem? This can send a message that you will not fix it but happy to point her to someone more capable.

In the end though your guilt I imagine comes from long years of you being taught to feel guilty and responsible for her emotional wellbeing. By listening closely to the messages that you give yourself about these things, you may get to hear that the message is not in your own voice at all.

Examine your beliefs about why you should feel responsible - where do they come from? What are the worst case scenarios for you to get what YOU want? Are they mature reasonable answers? or again, are they amorphous kinds of fears? Like "if she doesn't take care of her own health issues, she may die"  -isn't that true for everyone? And as you point out, you are not responsible for her health.

By breaking things down into smaller pieces you can find ways to start small and build your confidence in your judgment. As that confidence increases you will find that the guilt actually starts to evaporate.

You may wish to review the material on Fear Obligation and Guilt as a guide.

The link to it is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Best of luck with this. it's not easy but in losing certain aspects of your r/ship with your mother you will gain more sense of yourself and your own rights

Ziggiddy

[Smile41869]

Hi ziggidy,

thanks so much for your feedback. Soem of those strategies definitlry sound helpful. Like you said i need to learn to guage what would be normally expected of a daughter/ mother relationship and develop my boundaries around what i am comfortable with. I know exactly what you mean about the long drawn out stories (sigh). They go for hours.

Since I've been overseas I had a break, technically. Except this is when the 'emergencies' start.

The first emergency that she came up with and needed to speak to me while i was overseas was her 60th birthday. Its coming up. In 9 months. Obviosuly i avoided that one as it was flat out ridiculous.

Thr next emergency she is working on is her surgery. This one she has been crying about for months and has used it to guilt me into a number of long winded phone calls. The surgery itself is hysterectomy, which is a fairly routine common surgery. Many women i know have had it. The only complication is the surgery has a strict recovery program that requires bed rest and no lifting. Of course my mum called me hysterical about it exclaiming how she needs me to go there - 5000 miles away - she has no one, life is terrible, etc etc. Of course those are vast exaggerations.

Anytime i spend more than a few days with her its excruciating and she ends up switching between waif / queen modes. I moved out of her home at 17 and never looked back. Now im looking at being with her for weeks or a month in her home as her "nurse". To top it off i loathe my small gossipy hometown and hate leaving my wonderful life here in the city. Not to mention i have used all my paid leave from work so this will cost me a LOT.

The question if i should be there for her surgery was not a rational discussion but a long session of crying in which she basically stated i had to be there. I just wanted the hysterial crying to end so i said 'ill see what i can do'.

Now that ive been on holiday the same hysterical messages are coming back up again.

I cant imagine that i will survive nursing her, but i cant imagine that there is any other way out that she wont make impossible for me. I would love if she took responsibility for her own life and didnt impose such a costly trip on me, but thats not going to happen. Never has.

I am thinking to state that i can be there for the acute care first week or two but i simply cant afford to stay any longer than absolutely necessary. Which is entirely true. Aside from that im not at all a nurse and am very uncomfortable being responsible for physical health issues that are way outside my experience, id personally rather dip into my savings and pay a nurse. She'd never ever accept that. And the money is not an issue for her anyway.

IVe been told since i was a child how i should care for her when she got old. She's not even old yet but I can feel it's already starting.

Has anyone else been summonsed to nurse their BPDm? How did you manage it?

[clljhns]

  Smile41869,

I am so sorry to hear about the demands your mom is placing on you. I have never been in this situation as I went NC many years ago. But I do want to offer my support. 

I cant imagine that i will survive nursing her, but i cant imagine that there is any other way out that she wont make impossible for me. I would love if she took responsibility for her own life and didnt impose such a costly trip on me, but thats not going to happen. Never has.

What would happen if you didn't go? As children of a parent with BPD, we are often made to feel guilty for the choices they make. Also, I wonder if there is a fear that she might actually not make it if you are not there. I am thinking back to when I was a child, and while I was truly terrified of my uBPDmom, I also feared loosing her. Emotionally, it is a catch-22 situation. Does it feel like this for you?

I am glad that you read the literature Ziggidy suggested. When I read this article,  it solidified my thoughts and feelings around the fear, guilt, and obligation I had felt towards my parents for so many years, but didn't have a real understanding of why. For the first time I felt like it was okay that I wanted a life of my own. When I went NC at first, I grieved for them and worried that they may fall ill and die. I have learned through others that they are still alive and well. Nothing has changed. My fears slowly diminished over time. I realize that you are still in contact, so it isn't quite the same as my situation, but the emotions are the same.

Wishing you all the best.