my 1st post

[clouds]

wow, hello. i hope you guys are ok with me saying i've been reading this board for the past 3 months.  today i registered simply because it's time i did.  first of all, you have no idea how much you've helped me, i suppose you do... .but being an observer all this time and silent, i needed to say thank you.

there is no real distinction to my story which is precisely the reason this site and these conversations have helped so much.  i identify almost each time i read something.  i guess i was almost mute from my experience, shut down and traumatized and really, talking very little about it.

i have been NC for 2.5 months, yesterday was my exBPDbf birthday.  i am happy to say it wasn't too bad and i have had no desire for the past 6 weeks or so to break NC.  the more time that passes, the stronger i feel in that respect.  the relationship lasted for a big part of 2014, i think.  it is so hard to tell because after the first 4 months or so, the relationship was never ongoing.  i mean, i tried so hard, i thought if i just try harder, meet his needs in a way that he felt they were being met, had more patience, tried and understood his story better then the relationship would find it's ground.  like a hamster always spinning in it's wheel, we went round and round.  but i have a career and business to run and aging parents to assist and friends and my own home and cats and my own life and little by little, my things went missing.  all i had time and energy for was trying to fix things with him all the while becoming more confused by MY inability to make things work.

by all i've read we initially get hooked by the mirroring... .the phase where we feel we have found this perfect partner who understands us so well.  the first few months were everything i would hope to find in someone.  fun, intimate, sharing, open, physically and emotionally bonding.  and then the raging started.  i didn't eat when he ate, i didn't sleep like he slept (i was sleep deprived for months, that was a hard piece... .always so tired, so exhausted after a while), i didn't help his garden the right way, i didn't do anything right.  it seems almost silly, and definately crazy, thinking about it now.  how a grown man would expect a grown woman to let go of what worked for her and dictate every small feature of our time together.  the raging was the worst, the first time it happened i thought, wait, what just happened?  i was so hurt and baffled all at once. 

i now see my part in this... .the guilt for leaving myself, for allowing my boundaries to be demolished, for all of it, the stigmatization, the threats of leaving me, the belittling, the wrath if his mood was off, the pressure, the endless needing.  in a short time, 6 months or so, i went from being over the moon happy to feeling the worst about myself i have ever felt.  the guilt and shame is what i continue to struggle with.  WHY did i let this happen?  how did i not leave when i 1st saw how disordered his behavior was? 

i'm slowly forgiving myself.  he has moved on, not a peep from him since i finally stop answering his calls, didn't take long for them to stop once i was resolute in my decision.  i think i had been so hurt during that once it was over, i actually felt enormous relief.  and then the sadness and loneliness but i still say they are better than the abuse.  see, i've worked hard on myself but still, i let him in.  i, being, the perpetual rescuer.  also, i think / know i was a replacement for him, from a long term relationship he had just left.  she by the way, was never out of the picture.  what was wrong with me to stay in that?

at this point what i feel the worst about is all the healthy relationships in my life that i disregarded last year.  my life long friends were put aside, as if they wouldn't be hurt, and it's taking me these months to regain their trust.  i let people down, i let myself down.  i still hate him on some days but i'm working on not feeling anything for him.  like a bad storm he rolled in and when it moved through, it left alot of damage.

how do we reconcile all that we allowed to go on?  i'm just glad i am too strong willed to have stayed.  it took about 6 months but then i began to fight back... .i don't like to fight but i started becoming like him.  it is all just too sick to identify still... .i'm working on just being ok.  regaining my own sense of self back and some ground i lost. 

thank you for reading.  thank you for being here.  i am so grateful to have had you because you've all helped so much, more than anything i think.  i had no idea what i was getting myself into... .thank God i got out.

thanks

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, clouds!  It is completely okay that you have been reading the board for the past three months before registering and posting.  Glad to hear that we have helped you, as we are all still getting help too. 

My BPD dating relationship went through a good chunk of 2014 too.  We are "like a hamster always spinning our wheels", as you put it.  We tend to blame ourselves for not being able to make things work.  It can be a real juggling fire act that is impossible to maintain.

I am curious, why you "didn't eat when he ate" and "sleep like he slept"?

I can totally relate to your feeling of being "over the moon happy to feeling the worst about myself i have ever felt".  It can almost be compared to being swept away by a tsunami or something. 

Thank God you are still intact, despite the devastating storm.

[Mutt]

Hi clouds,  



It's good  to hear you decided to join   I'm sorry you went through this.

I think many members have felt that there was something wrong with them because they didn't heed the red flags or end the relationship when they felt there's something wrong. It's hindsight and I think it's important that we don't beat ourselves up; I can relate.

It's also good to hear that your forgiving yourself.

i don't like to fight but i started becoming like him.  it is all just too sick to identify still

I don't like too either. As the relationship progressed I became angry and resentful towards my ex and I felt like I changed into a person that I wasn't proud of. I was always wrong and blamed for her feelings or how the marriage wasn't working. I wanted my voice to be heard and the only way at the time that I knew how was to fight back. I felt miserable consumed with negative feelings. I didn't understand it was mental illness and we were pushing each others buttons.

I think it helps to read about the disorder to learn what the truth is; in this process I found BPD has taught me a lot about me.

i guess i was almost mute from my experience, shut down and traumatized and really, talking very little about it.

NC is difficult and likely more difficult when your going through this experience alone. It can be difficult to turn to friends and family members. I understand that you feel like you have let friends down, people that care about you will understand although they may not understand the trauma you have experience. Many members here can relate.

It helps to talk.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi clouds, Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Your story, as you suggest, sounds quite familiar.  I'm sorry about all you've been through.  Perhaps you can be grateful that you can measure your former BPD r/s in months rather than years.  Many of us (read: me) married a pwBPD and experienced years of hellish treatment.  The rages, I agree, are not fun, and I learned to fight back, too, though I don't think it accomplished much other than to allow my BPDxW to claim that she was the victim, which on some level is what she sought by bullying and goading me.  I think you are asking the right questions well on your path towards recovery.  LuckyJim

[HappyNihilist]

Hi there, clouds, and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry for your situation.   

You'll find many people here who understand the devastation that follows these relationships. It helps to talk and share.

how do we reconcile all that we allowed to go on? 

The best way to do that is by learning from the experience and being good to ourselves.

You deserve your gentleness, compassion, kindness, love, and forgiveness. Especially now, after the pain and confusion of your relationship.

After a disordered relationship ends, it's all too easy to get caught up in ruminations and start beating ourselves up. The nature of the disorder means that the relationship usually ends with the non-BPD partner having become the dumping ground for all of the borderline's psychic "badness" -- their negative projections, fearful emotions, self-loathing, childhood traumas, etc. It's tough to shake those fleas.

like a bad storm he rolled in and when it moved through, it left alot of damage.

This is so true. There's so much damage and debris left in the wake of a disordered relationship. You've been hurt badly, and you need and deserve time to heal.

i'm slowly forgiving myself. 

Remember we're all here for you. Take care of You. 

[lovenature]

I can relate well to wondering how I stayed as long as I did and accepted more and more. Being a perpetual rescuer as well, I think we are so attracted to the one's who play the victim, and combined with how we lose ourselves and question reality from the BPD's behaviour, we remain stuck way longer than we should.

I know the effects of a BPD relationship are excruciating, you are among people here who understand, take the time to look after yourself and heal.

[Lucky Jim]

After a disordered relationship ends, it's all too easy to get caught up in ruminations and start beating ourselves up. The nature of the disorder means that the relationship usually ends with the non-BPD partner having become the dumping ground for all of the borderline's psychic "badness" -- their negative projections, fearful emotions, self-loathing, childhood traumas, etc. It's tough to shake those fleas.

Like what you are saying there, HN.  So true.  Thanks!  LuckyJim

[downwhim]

Clouds, so happy you are now free! Isn't it amazing what life is like with a BPD? He probably wanted you to eat at a certain time, what he liked and sleep at a certain time in a certain position I am guessing... .all weird stuff.

You are fortunate that you did not stay for years in the trap... I was with my exBPD fiancé for 8 years. You got out before more damage could be done. Smart woman. Fighting back never helped me. It only gave him a case in the smear campaign.

Welcome. You have found a safe place to share more of your experiences! 

[leftconfused]

Hi Clouds!  Wow your story gave me goosebumps.  My exuBPDbf bd was yesterday too!  God I hope we are not talking about the same person .  I have never really been able to go full NC.  I think 10 days is as long as Ive lasted so far, so congrats to you for sticking to your guns!  I last saw him Vday and of course he purposely sabotaged it then left me crying all day.  I was like you, fell for all the love bombing, all the attention Ive always craved but never received before.  I noticed odd behaviors though pretty quickly, within the first 6 weeks.  By this time I had already let him move in to my home so I was committed.  Got the first "rage" and him calling me the C word by month 5.  I had already recognized some of the jealousy, possessiveness, him nit picking at me over every little thing.  Me going from being everything he ever wanted in a woman to doing every thing possible wrong.  He moved out in August and we still haven't fully detached.  I also feel guilty at myself for not leaving him at that first rage.  I knew I needed to, but for some reason couldn't.  For a relationship that has really lasted not long at all, its the worst break up Ive ever endured.  Good luck on your continued healing!