Silent Treatment hurtful

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

First time here. My now ex boyfriend and I had a brief argument. I refused to go somewhere he wanted to go because he was thoughtless and didn't agknowledge Valentine's Day. I apologized that night but no response from him. The next day he unfriended me off of Facebook and has not talked to me since that day. The only thing he text me was to come get my things last week. I text him and email him nice emails and bad emails but he doesn't reply. Everyone says just move on but we have been off and on before. How do I just let him go?  How can he do this and why can he do this after such a small argument. In relationships you are suppose to argue and resolve not argue and never speak again. The last time he broke up with me was because he needed space after a vacation we took with my children and his. There was no fighting. He returned a month later and promised not to do it again and he did. He is 45. How can he hurt me like this and not care?   I could never do this to anyone.

[Moving on strong]

Hello

First time here. My now ex boyfriend and I had a brief argument. I refused to go somewhere he wanted to go because he was thoughtless and didn't agknowledge Valentine's Day. I apologized that night but no response from him. The next day he unfriended me off of Facebook and has not talked to me since that day. The only thing he text me was to come get my things last week. I text him and email him nice emails and bad emails but he doesn't reply. Everyone says just move on but we have been off and on before. How do I just let him go?  How can he do this and why can he do this after such a small argument. In relationships you are suppose to argue and resolve not argue and never speak again. The last time he broke up with me was because he needed space after a vacation we took with my children and his. There was no fighting. He returned a month later and promised not to do it again and he did. He is 45. How can he hurt me like this and not care?   I could never do this to anyone.

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, Moving on Strong!  We are all dealing with various relationships involving BPD people in our lives.

Your ex-boyfriend may have been trying to give you the signal that your relationship was over when he didn't acknowledge Valentines Day with you. 

It can be the slightest triggers that set BPD people off.  It sounds like your ex-boyfriend is operating from classic BPD traits of black and white thinking with pulling you in and pushing you away, when it is convenient for him.  His overreacting by abruptly cutting you off and blocking you out is another sign.   

This disorder often involves the BPD person running away from the so called problems in their relationships, rather than working through the issues towards resolution.  They generally do not operate from rationality but rather from emotions.  Emotions=facts much of the time for BPD people.  They also do not have much empathy, if any, when it comes to others and their feelings being hurt.  Simply put, BPD people operate completely differently than those who do not have BPD. 

I would encourage you to not use "bad emails" as a method to goad him to reply to you.  It's always best to take the high road, even when the other person isn't.  Don't let them lead the dance.

This is a really good time for you to process the relationship, with all that he has done to you and is putting you through now.  This can help to put things into proper perspective.   

[Mutt]

Hi Moving on strong,  

I'm sorry your going through this. It's frustrating, confusing and hurtful when you don't feel like going somewhere and our partner overreacts and gives the silent treatment; unfriends you after apologizing

How can he do this and why can he do this after such a small argument.

Restored2 is right. A pwBPD react differently to stress and anxiety. Dichotomous thinking; or black and white thinking is common in a pwBPD. They see people as all good or all bad. Fear of abandonment; abandonment fears; real or perceived can trigger splitting a primitive defense mechanism that protects a pwBPD from anxiety and stress.

Restored2 has good advice. Take the high road; it's going to make things worse.

It helps to talk.

[JRT]

MOS... .sorry to hear that you are being forced to endure this. After a fairly placid relationship with my ex, she painted me black overnight while I was out of town. moved out and I have never seen or heard from her since. It is abuse to say the least and has been very painful for me. But over the course of the 5 months since she had done this, I am feeling much better and am just about where i need to be at in terms of health.

I thought that you might want to take a look at this thread (there are others that you can use the 'search site' function of the website to find as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

[Moving on strong]

How do I get him to talk to me. He refuses. The last thing I emailed him was im sorry for everything that happened. I hope one day you can forgive me and to call me if he wants to talk. It was a week ago. He never responded.  Thank you so far for all your advice. My friends just tell me to move on but they don't know how it feels to just be cut off. I feel all alone.

[Mutt]

Being cut off hurts like hell.

Your not alone  

My best advice is to not send messages. Splitting is not something that a person with mental illness can control and we can't control being split from all bad to all good. No one knows how long a good split or a bad split lasts for.

How long were the idealization and devaluation phases in the past? What I mean is how long were the periods were he treats you nice and then treats you bad?

Days, weeks, months?

Are you done with the r/s?

[JRT]

As crazy as it sounds, you will only push him further away if you continue to contact him: the best thing to do is NOT contact him.

[Moving on strong]

The last time it happened for a month and a half. The time before that was three weeks. It occurs every three to five months over something minor. One time he decided he didn't love me and then two weeks later he loved me again. He has one friend maybe two. No one he works with likes him. I was his only true friend. I did everything for him. I could never do this to him.

[JRT]

I can relate:

-mine broke up several times over things we couldn't even recall just days later

-mine fell in and out of love according to these cycles as well

-mine had zero friends when I first met her (one MAYBE) as she had split them all... .but painted them white later in our relationship and began to communicate once again

-I was also her only true friend

They do this to the people that are the CLOSEST and mean the MOST to them... .he is doing this because you mean the world to him. I realize that this is simply not logical: this is the nature of this disease. Keep reading, you will see what I mean.

[Moving on strong]

If I mean the world to him why did he break it off. Why can't he see what is being done over a stupid argument. How do I get him to talk to me. He has totally pushed me away. It hurts. I told him that. He didn't care at all. I would never want to hurt him but he doesn't care he hurt me.

[Restored2]

If I mean the world to him why did he break it off. Why can't he see what is being done over a stupid argument. How do I get him to talk to me. He has totally pushed me away. It hurts. I told him that. He didn't care at all. I would never want to hurt him but he doesn't care he hurt me.

Hi Moving on strong.  There is nothing rational about BPD.  Trying to rationalize irrational behavior is totally irrational.  He is really not seeing anything clearly.  There is no sure fireway you can get him to talk to you.  My heart goes out to you in your pain.  I know firsthand, as do pretty much all of us on here, how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of such an abrupt and cold breakup from a BPD person.  He lacks empathy to sincerely care that he is hurting you.  He DOES NOT feel or think as you do.  

[Moving on strong]

Is there anything I should do different? Should I try to contact him? Should I leave him alone ? I have no contacted him since he told me to get my things that he left on his porch.

[Moving on strong]

And also do you think he notices that I don't contact him anymore like I did in the beginning. Do you think it matters to him at all.

[Moving on strong]

Xx

[hurting300]

And also do you think he notices that I don't contact him anymore like I did in the beginning. Do you think it matters to him at all.

it seems like this is an ongoing thing on this site. It's called painting you black. And if that happens then no he dont care.

[going places]

www.buzzle.com/articles/is-the-silent-treatment-a-form-of-abuse.html

www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

For 25 years, I endured "the silent treatment" AKA abuse.

I have been in your shoes.

Please google "abuse advocate (and your city and state)" and find the closest advocate to talk too.

And go as soon as you can.

I am so so sorry this is happening to you... .

[nickoftime]

My NC precipitated my BPDbf to launch his silent treatment on me.  He was pushing me out of his life and the last time we spoke on the phone he was very hurtful so I told him I was backing off.  I was so crushed I didn’t know who I was talking to on the other end of the phone.

What started out as me not talking to him for a couple days turned into 6 weeks of NC on my part.  I wanted a day or two to get my emotions under control while I thought he could use a cooling off period.  Well he never contacted me again.

Six weeks into it NC I broke it and texted him.  He replied to my first text 12 hrs after I sent it and it was a chilled response.  My second text was met with the same frosty reception and the same time delay.  LOL  Then after that he never replied back anymore.  SILENT TREATMENT!

Initially this killed me but in a few weeks it made me strong and empowered me more to remove myself from this toxic relationship.  His ST convinced me he has no empathy for me, does not care about my well being and if I’m happy or not, and most of all – he intentionally aims to hurt me.  

It’s their weapon they use to make us think we’re the cause for the relationship problems and we brought this pain on ourselves.

[Restored2]

Is there anything I should do different? Should I try to contact him? Should I leave him alone ? I have no contacted him since he told me to get my things that he left on his porch.

I can't suggest that you do anything different.  To contact him would seem to only be setting yourself up to get hurt some more.  Probably best that you just leave him alone.  Any move you make can be soo counterproductive when playing chess with someone who does NOT play by the rules of fairness.

[Restored2]

And also do you think he notices that I don't contact him anymore like I did in the beginning. Do you think it matters to him at all.

It's hard to say exactly what he is thinking or feeling, if anything.  Let alone what matters to him.  BPD people can operate on a level of "out of sight, out of mind".  They also appear to be good at emotionally shutting their feelings down or completely off.  This is where they then go cold and callous towards others.

[JRT]

MOS... .NC is really the only option... .being face with proposition almost seems like self punishment: I recall several months ago when I came across this forum and other non's were insisting that I go no contact, I almost feel that it was punishment for ME. I remember thinking that I was taking the heat for her crazy behavior and I am the one left along to lick my wounds with the only recourse of doing nothing? And under no circumstances to act upon my feelings and my hurt?

It seemed like at the end of it all, that I was the one that was punished my her antics and now I must be punished by myself! I would have to be my own enforcer and jailer! I thought that the people telling me this were themselves crazy!

If you plan to hope to salvage your relationship, contact will do nothing more than push him further and further away. Most of them come back, so be strong and wait. While you are waiting, make you a better person; paint that room, lose those last few pounds, take that cooking class, go out with that friend you need to make time for etc. Meanwhile, think of what you will talk about when he does restablish contact.