I'm tired of his self-centeredness

[Cat Familiar]

My husband went out of town to attend an art workshop in another state. He calls me and rants and raves about the other participants and how narcissistic and self-centered they are. I validate, listen and try to be supportive. At several points in our conversation he starts to feel invalidated. Perhaps I didn't "uh-huh" at just the precise moment.

I manage to keep things on track for probably a half hour and when he is done, I realize that he has only asked me one question about me--the rest of the time I've spent asking about him and sympathizing that he's having a miserable time because no one tells him how wonderful his art is and he thinks they're a bunch of narcissistic a$$holes.

I get off the phone and have to laugh, thinking that he's spending several thousand dollars, staying in a very fancy hotel, having fabulous dining opportunities and all he can do is be pi$$ed off. At this point, I'm just hoping he doesn't change his plans and come home early as I'm enjoying the peacefulness of being at home with no drama.

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[maxsterling]

He is staying at fancy hotel, out of town, spending money, and complaining about others - and he thinks *they* are self-centered!  Seems like all he cares about is how *he* is pissed off. 

Glad you are getting some alone time, though

[Cat Familiar]

He is staying at fancy hotel, out of town, spending money, and complaining about others - and he thinks *they* are self-centered!  Seems like all he cares about is how *he* is pissed off. 

Glad you are getting some alone time, though

Max, thank you!

[waverider]

At this point, I'm just hoping he doesn't change his plans and come home early as I'm enjoying the peacefulness of being at home with no drama.

All free of cost...

Always amazes me how they can ruin great opportunities worrying the small stuff. It must be a horrible way to live.

The real trick is to make sure all this navel gazing doesn't ruin your opportunities.

Sometimes I can't help thinking my partner is wasting her life away one day at a time, and since the cancer who knows how long that will be. My goal is to not to waste mine away by association.

[Cat Familiar]

Always amazes me how they can ruin great opportunities worrying the small stuff. It must be a horrible way to live.

The real trick is to make sure all this navel gazing doesn't ruin your opportunities.

Sometimes I can't help thinking my partner is wasting her life away one day at a time, and since the cancer who knows how long that will be. My goal is to not to waste mine away by association.

So true how they can choose to find the worst in any experience. And it's tragic when, like your wife, they have a life-threatening medical issue in addition to all of their other insignificant complaints.

Thanks to the information I've learned here and my individual therapy, I'm finally starting to feel free of a life-long need to try to make other people happy, particularly when they want to be miserable. At last it's occurred to me that they're content being unhappy and it would probably be frightening for them to be as happy as I am on a day to day basis.

It's too bad that my husband doesn't want to join me in my happiness, but that's his prerogative. There are others, human and animals, with whom I can share my upbeat version of life. I'm done trying to wake him up out of sad sack-ville.

[Verbena]

I'm finally starting to feel free of a life-long need to try to make other people happy, particularly when they want to be miserable. At last it's occurred to me that they're content being unhappy and it would probably be frightening for them to be as happy as I am on a day to day basis.

It's too bad that my husband doesn't want to join me in my happiness, but that's his prerogative. There are others, human and animals, with whom I can share my upbeat version of life. I'm done trying to wake him up out of sad sack-ville.

I could have written this regarding my husband.  Even though he is not self-centered, he is the King of Miserable.  It really gets old.  

[Cat Familiar]

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,

Well, give me all you got, and don't hold it back, yeah,

Well, I should probably warn you I'll be just fine, yeah,

No offense to you, don't waste your time

Here's why

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Pharrell Williams--thank you!

[Jessica84]

Thanks Cat. Now I've got this annoyingly cheerful song stuck in my head!   

[waverider]

It comes down to an individuals rights;

You have  right to be miserable

You have a right to be happy

You have no rights to impose your emotional state on anyone else

that works both ways, we have no more right to make them feel happy than they us miserable.

But it is a hard situation to accept, but it is our fantasy that they should feel like us, so it is hard to let go. As a consequence it simply drags us down into there misery.

We then resent the time we wasted being miserable when we could have been doing something better. That was our choice to try to get them to be like us even though we know the attempt will depress us. (self sabotage?)

[Riverrat]

It's probably a form of projection, but my BPDgf tells me how I'm the negative one, and she is always happy and upbeat! This from a person who often can't even say good morning. She's convinced that she has a great life, without complications, at least in her thoughts.

Sheesh... .

[OffRoad]

I have to say, since I found this site, I am soo happy. Even when H is being negative and/or selfish. Because I now know it really ISN'T me. Sometimes I think it bothers him that I am so happy.

[Maresme]

It's probably a form of projection, but my BPDgf tells me how I'm the negative one, and she is always happy and upbeat! This from a person who often can't even say good morning. She's convinced that she has a great life, without complications, at least in her thoughts.

Sheesh... .

Oh, I'm very familiar with this. My bf will complain for an hour straight and then I'll say one single tiny thing negative and the response? "You know, you can choose to be happy. Don't be so negative. Don't you want to be happy, baby?"

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

[Riverrat]

Maresme,

Thanks for your comment. It made me feel much better  Yes and she will pull even the slightest comment out of a conversation and say I'm being negative and bringing her down. I wish she really was the happy person she claims to be.

The only time I hear laughter or smiles is when she plays her video game, and then it's a childlike laughter. She seems so lost in her own world. Yet she continues her constant push-pull cycle with me.

[Cat Familiar]

It comes down to an individuals rights;

You have  right to be miserable

You have a right to be happy

You have no rights to impose your emotional state on anyone else

that works both ways, we have no more right to make them feel happy than they us miserable.

But it is a hard situation to accept, but it is our fantasy that they should feel like us, so it is hard to let go. As a consequence it simply drags us down into there misery.

We then resent the time we wasted being miserable when we could have been doing something better. That was our choice to try to get them to be like us even though we know the attempt will depress us. (self sabotage?)

This is a big lesson for me. I just realized the first time I tried to impose my emotional state upon my mother. It was when I was 3 and we were at Disneyland. She was always upset and worried about something. I told her to not worry and be happy.

Ever since then, until, say last week, I have felt responsible for "making other people happy"--relentlessly. It's a thankless task and I have failed 100% of the time. But did that stop me from trying? Noo.

It occurs to me that I've got so much more energy to spend however I want, now that I'm no longer officially responsible (in my own mind) for everyone's happiness. They can continue on their chosen paths of being as grumpy as they like--I can still be happy! Yay! Their emotional state is not my problem!

[townhouse]

Reading all these comments and your original post Cat again makes me thankful I found these boards.

The familiarity with the comments I read and those I have in our relationship makes me feel better about my own relationship. I am not alone and I am learning big lessons.

[Cat Familiar]

Townhouse, you are definitely in good company here.  We understand. 

My week alone (I want to call it "my vacation" is drawing to an end and I'm kinda sad about that. I've had a great time, even though I've been dealing with the nastiest cold I've had in years, but I'm recovering and it's been so relaxing not to have any drama in the house.

I've had a chance to go through stuff and donate horse tack, books, clothes, household stuff, clean out the refrigerator, take eWaste to the recycling center. I feel quite liberated of old stuff and I've barely started. What I'm most happy to be rid of is my compulsive need to make my husband "happy"--ain't gonna happen. I know I'll probably catch myself trying some time in the future, but I'll deal with that kindly, by taking my inner child by the hand and telling her she doesn't have to do that anymore and that I love her. 

I can allow myself to be happy (which really seems like my natural state--I was identified as a "happy-go-lucky kid" by my grade school teachers) and I made myself unhappy trying to make others happy. It's funny, but to indulge in a bit of "mind-reading" here, it's almost as if my husband thinks it's unsophisticated to be happy--like he's such a complex individual, just being happy would turn him into a simpleton. He's one of those people who won't laugh at my jokes, the same jokes I tell friends who howl with laughter.

We had a phone conversation the other day and I told him about a video editing technique that I had heard about from my friend, whose sister is the personal assistant to a movie star everyone would know. It surprised me what can be done with images now. So I told my husband, thinking he'd be interested. Instead I get a bored silence and an "Uh, huh." I fake-apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you knew all about that." And he was forced to admit he hadn't heard of it before, but it made sense. (How insecure is that--he needs to be on the cutting edge and not have his ignorant wife tell him something about the latest technology!)

[Cat Familiar]

Just a little over 24 hours before I have to pick him up at the airport. Oh, I've soo enjoyed my vacation. I didn't go out to dinner or to a movie--having a constantly drippy nose at first and now a yucky cough, I just didn't feel like a good citizen being out in public, exposing others to my germ factory. I did ride my horses with friends on a few occasions, reminding them to wash their hands after touching anything I've come in contact with. I figured that being outdoors, I wouldn't be as much of an active contagion.

Yeech--the phone just rang and it was my husband. He is just a whirlwind of strife. I really needed this time alone in order to recharge my batteries.

[Crumbling]

 

So glad for you that you got this time, Cat!  It's great to hear you speak with such conviction and strength.

Remember to keep a physical reminder of this time close by... .at the times when you're feeling less convicted and strong, you can use it to bring yourself back to this wonderful place you're in, when necessary.

 



Your little girl inside is really lucky to have an adult like you in charge!

, c.

[waverider]

CAT this is a good example of why it is important for us all to build our own little pockets of "me" time.

Its like a stroll in the country after spending all week directing traffic. We all need it to stay centered.

[MaybeSo]

a whirlwind of strife... .... .you have a way with words! that rings so true. 

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks everybody for all the support. 

I pick up my whirlwind husband at the airport in just a few hours. I'm hoping I can continue to maintain this wonderful relaxed and elated state upon his return. And Crumbling, that is such a good thought about keeping a physical reminder of this quiet centered time that I've enjoyed this last week. Interestingly enough, it turns out that it's been a song I've been playing over and over. I'll just listen to it again as an anchor of this great alone staycation and the ease and comfort of this time will flood back to me.

I'm a fan of (some) country music and I've been listening to this Lee Brice song, Hard to Love. Although it seems like it's describing a person with BPD, I'm really identifying with it. The reason it says something to me is that the subject is acknowledging his imperfections (unlike someone with BPD). I guess that's where I am now: I'm realizing my limitations, loving myself in spite of them, and appreciating that others can tolerate and even love me, although I can be hardheaded and oblivious at times.

I am insensitive, I have a tendency

To pay more attention to the things that I need.

Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust,

Sometimes I don't know why you stay with me.

(I don't drink too much)

I'm hard to love, hard to love,

No, I don't make it easy,

I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood.

I'm hard to love, hard to love,

You say that you need me,

I don't deserve it but I love that you love me, good.

[Cat Familiar]

Yeech, the ugliness has already started over the phone and he's still one state away. One poorly stated sentence on my part nearly started a dysregulation. I can't say I'm looking forward to picking him up this afternoon at the airport. It's going to be a major test of my placidity.

[Cat Familiar]

I learned something very important yesterday. In our phone conversation, he said that he didn't feel well from traveling and being tired and that he probably wouldn't want to get something to eat at our favorite restaurant in the big city near the airport, like we always do whenever I pick him up after a trip. I was disappointed because I had been looking forward to that all week. I had been sick with a nasty cold and no appetite and I wanted to have somebody serve me a nice meal (and of course it wouldn't be him).

I started to say that if he didn't want to eat dinner with me, I would stop and have something to eat before I picked him up.

Being the lawyer he is and an aggressive interrupter, he cut me off before I could finish the sentence at the point of me suggesting that he didn't want to eat dinner with me. Then he started saying things like we could sit at different tables if I didn't want to eat with him. Countdown to major dysregulation on the phone.

I mitigated the damages at the time, but for hours I stewed about wanting to correct his impression and tell him the other half of the sentence I didn't get to say.

Then I realized that this was EXPLAINING! I WANTED TO DEFEND MYSELF! JADEING!

I didn't do it, but it really galled me to let that go, unexamined. But it would have only served to start another dysregulation if I had. So I didn't.

[waverider]

I didn't do it, but it really galled me to let that go, unexamined. But it would have only served to start another dysregulation if I had. So I didn't.

If you explained then he would have been compelled to defend himself for making assumptions, and round it would go. You would both be still simmering over it. As it is he has probably forgotten and moved on.

The mood is better now than it could have been

[Cat Familiar]

If you explained then he would have been compelled to defend himself for making assumptions, and round it would go. You would both be still simmering over it. As it is he has probably forgotten and moved on.

The mood is better now than it could have been

Yes, absolutely! Being in relationship with a pwBPD is like Boot Camp for taming the ego. I now have more forbearance than I ever would have imagined... .and a lot more to learn... .

[ColdEthyl]

If you explained then he would have been compelled to defend himself for making assumptions, and round it would go. You would both be still simmering over it. As it is he has probably forgotten and moved on.

The mood is better now than it could have been

Yes, absolutely! Being in relationship with a pwBPD is like Boot Camp for taming the ego. I now have more forbearance than I ever would have imagined... .and a lot more to learn... .

You keep on truckin' Cat! You are so right it IS a boot camp for taming the ego rofl I'm glad you posted this topic, it reminded me I need to take ME time as well. pwBPD are so overwhelming and overpowering. I spent a good part of this week being snippy because I just wanted him to SHUT UP. It's been a week of rambling/circle talking from him, most likely because he visited his parents after 4 months of NC for no real reason. I needed to take time to myself, and I did that this weekend. It was refreshing

[Cat Familiar]

Ethyl,

I'm glad you've gotten some time for yourself. They truly can be exhausting to be around. I remembered to recharge my batteries when I took care of my mom with dementia, but somehow I forgot I needed to do that with my husband.

How was the visit with his parents?

Today I'm counting dysregulation number 2 and that's before noon! I just stepped aside and watched from the sidelines while he was rude, pushy like a three year old (later, while I was on the phone), then he said (while in another room) "I don't count at all."  I'm glad to feel amusement rather than anger. It's like watching a little kid have a tantrum. So far, I've stayed placid and I think that has really pi$$ed him off. I'm feeling very entertained by all of this. 

[ColdEthyl]

Ethyl,

I'm glad you've gotten some time for yourself. They truly can be exhausting to be around. I remembered to recharge my batteries when I took care of my mom with dementia, but somehow I forgot I needed to do that with my husband.

How was the visit with his parents?

Today I'm counting dysregulation number 2 and that's before noon! I just stepped aside and watched from the sidelines while he was rude, pushy like a three year old (later, while I was on the phone), then he said (while in another room) "I don't count at all."  I'm glad to feel amusement rather than anger. It's like watching a little kid have a tantrum. So far, I've stayed placid and I think that has really pi$$ed him off. I'm feeling very entertained by all of this. 

I do that too sometimes when he's stomping around about something silly like how many times someone opened the refrigerator door that day (it's a household of 5... .it's going to be a lot)  I will usually respond with "what would like to do about that, hun?" and so far... .i have not gotten a solution from him yet

His visit was fine. They all talked like nothing at all happened. He turned around and put his foot in his mouth by telling them he would visit them again on Thursday this passed week... .only to *gasp* not follow through.

He sabotages himself. I'm just gonna start letting him. That's one lesson I have learned since finding this place... .quit trying to be his savior and let him fall on his face.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Wow!  This is a good thread and so much of it I can relate to.  My h used to travel for work and my daughter and I had the best carefree times.  He is no longer traveling, but I wonder why i don't act the same way when he is around. 

I think, like Cat, he is often unhappy and i don't like for anyone to be unhappy.  I usually feel somehow responsible.  I am trying to curb that habit.

I fix things for supper that he likes, etc.  but after a recent separation, I realized that he can take care of himself more than I gave him credit for. 

Now back together. I am desparately trying to be authentic.  It is difficult to break my old habits of trying to fix everything.   Taking care of myself - alone time, exercise, plenty of sleep are helping.

Just yesterday at grandaughter's b'day party, we drove in separate cars.  He does not like family parties.  Oh how I wish he would share my happiness in these times.  But, instead of getting upset with him - he left early.  I just enjoyed myself immensely.  Yea for me!   

I used to expect that he should enjoy the same things I do and would be upset when he did not.  Now I realize that is how he is, and I am ok with that as long as it doesn't stop me from enjoying them.

[Cat Familiar]

I think, like Cat, he is often unhappy and i don't like for anyone to be unhappy.  I usually feel somehow responsible.  I am trying to curb that habit.

I fix things for supper that he likes, etc.  but after a recent separation, I realized that he can take care of himself more than I gave him credit for. 

Now back together. I am desparately trying to be authentic.  It is difficult to break my old habits of trying to fix everything.   Taking care of myself - alone time, exercise, plenty of sleep are helping.

Just yesterday at grandaughter's b'day party, we drove in separate cars.  He does not like family parties.  Oh how I wish he would share my happiness in these times.  But, instead of getting upset with him - he left early.  I just enjoyed myself immensely.  Yea for me!   

I used to expect that he should enjoy the same things I do and would be upset when he did not.  Now I realize that is how he is, and I am ok with that as long as it doesn't stop me from enjoying them.

Yay Mustbeabetterway, cheers! You're breaking the bonds of codependency. It's been such a lifelong habit for me to want to "make people happy" that not doing it is a tremendous relief! I'm taking baby steps and trying to be really mindful. When he sees I'm not taking the bait (the FOG--fear, obligation, guilt), he's been trying harder to let me know that he thinks I'm selfish, self-centered, oblivious to his needs, whatever.

It used to be that would be really motivating to me to try to "make him happy" by being overly attentive, solicitous, inquiring about his feelings. Now, I'm ignoring these comments and if he gets to the point where he outright accuses me of these things, rather than merely hinting, I'll just have to agree with him. It's becoming interesting to observe how the dynamics are changing. I'm staying centered and happy. He's welcome to have whatever emotion he wants.