Does it get worse when you marry them?

[downnout98]

I am pretty sure that I dodged a bullet here, but part of me wonders if everything would have continued to get worse if we married. I was about to propose to her but then all this crap started again and we broke up. Been going through hell lately with being replaced and I am sure that is enough said. It's all about her insecurities which is why I moved in with her before I was ready. To make her feel more secure. I was holding back on marriage till I felt we were ready. I was almost there when the wheels fell off. Why are your thoughts or experiences?

[terranova79]

You dodged a bullet.  It does not get better with marriage.  I remember thinking to myself years ago, "She will be less insecure once I propose to her," and "She will be less insecure once I marry her," then it was buying a home, then having kids.  It has never ended.  She is still insecure about our relationship and has never stopped accusing me of not loving her, not wanting to be in the relationship, etc.  Being married, having kids and in-laws, and being and around each other all the time only adds to the stress.

What you're going through is hard right now, but just know that in a year's time you will be glad you are not in the situation I'm in.

[CloseToFreedom]

I dodget a bullet as well. Was planning to propose to her on her birthday, about a month after we split up. We were living together for almost a year and been together 4,5 years, so it felt like it was time.

Of course I don't know how they are when they are married, as I haven't married my ex, but from all stories I hear they get worse and worse. They are able to mess with the most beautiful moments in your life. In all honestly they would be able to find something wrong with the marriage itself and make that day a living hell.

Doesn't mean you don't have to grieve the illusion of what life could have been. I still dream about getting children with her, for instance. Still grieving the life I was planning to have.

[Mutt]

I had the same thoughts as terranova79 that marrying may make her secure and that our relationship would ameliorate. I didn't understand that she wants intimacy and fears it; she's emotionally immature and has insecure attachments. CloseToFreedom has a good point. If I step back, the relationship had a beginning and an end and marriage was a choice I made at the time without feeling confident about the relationship; thinking that it would be a "fix". Live and learn.

[Invictus01]

The psychotherapist I saw last week told me towards the end of our meeting - "I know it is probably tough to see it this way right now, but in a way she did you a favor. I see people who come out of years of relationships like this and they are completely emotionally destroyed." The problem of all this is that YOU are almost never a part of the equation in these relationships. You didn't scorch the soul out of her, you can't fix it. No matter what you do.

[Tim300]

You dodged a bullet.  Fortunately I didn't reach the point of marriage.  I proposed (she said I was "cruel" for going ring shopping with her and not proposing within a month -- we had been dating for 1.5 years).  We had a 1-year, off-and-on engagement that generated unmentionable trauma (typical BPD stuff that I've mentioned in other posts).  Once we were engaged the mask came off and this is the first time I could see that she was deeply mentally ill as opposed to just having extreme PMS or something (I had known her for more than 10 years and didn't know about her illness [although most of this time we were very far apart]).  Based on my experience, I would surmise that things would have gotten much, much worse for you.  If I had gotten married, g-d knows, I suspect that she might have killed me (she came close at the end of the engagement -- without any reasonable provocation).  I think when they know they've "got you" because you're married and you'll do almost anything to make it work, the most severe abuse will surface.  Also, as far as BPD insecurities go, the insecurities just got more and more intense and severe as we got closer together by getting engaged and moving in together.  The fears of abandonment began to become delusion and resulted in frightening moods and behavior.  

[Pingo]

I married mine after a 3 year r/s and a near BU... .I guess on some level I hoped it would make him more secure, us a more united front. And for the first 2 mths it was bliss.  The honeymoon didn't last and the problems we had prior to getting married (jealousy, possessiveness, him not working and helping out financially, his ST's and rages) started back up and this time way worse. He now felt like he truly 'owned' me now as I was his wife with obligations. It was at this time that I started standing up to him and questioning the dysfunction. The more I questioned, the more he acted out, with him stalking me, trying desperately to control my every move. I ended it after 1 yr of marriage. I truly regret marrying him, it's the one thing I have a real hard time forgiving myself for.

[Zon]

This thread reminded me of advice I got from a woman (my cousin's aunt).  She said that things will basically be enhanced when you marry.  The good and the bad.  Sadly, I could not grasp it until much later.

Like others, I will say that it got worse upon marriage.  Her stress is only going to increase the longer she is with you.  Marriage represents a strong bond for many people.  That most probably scares them a lot.

It scared me, and I am normal.   

[Heldfast]

Mine left me after we became engaged. She had asked for the engagement for 2 years of a 2 and 1/2 year relationship, living together for the 2 years. It all changed at the engagement. She was ecstatic and bragging about it the first week after, then she became depressed, slept all the time, withdrawn, began seeing a therapist for anxiety, etc etc. With almost no warning, she ran off to be with her ex boyfriend from high school, moving across country to do so. And what little I have heard from her or about her from friends is that she hates me with the fury of a thousand suns. Before this, we had maybe argued 3 times over the course of the relationship. We had been planning on buying a house together, kids, etc. but now it's just gone. And yeah, from what I've read here, I don't think it would have gotten better in marriage, although I still wonder if I had known what I was dealing with... .thought I had a soulmate, turns out it was a succubus.

[Madison66]

Thought provoking thread for sure!  I was with my uBPD/NPD ex gf for 3+ years and we did not live in the same house nor did we make any plans to get married, although we lived on the same block during the second half of the r/s.  She is an extremely intelligent and high functioning professional.  Her life behind the scenes and household (three young kids all with rough emotional issues) were always in chaos mode and she was emotionally all over the board in our r/s.  We pursued couples T to work through the emotional and communication issues (I didn't understand the PD or abuse I was dealing with).  The T worked with us both individually and then my ex gf abandoned T stating she didn't feel safe.  After this, the T came right out and said that the chaos would get worse if we were in the same house and married.  She didn't diagnose my ex gf, but she stated her concerns about the strong PD traits and even advised me to leave the r/s.  She literally said to me "can you see yourself and your daughter dealing with this chaos and worse for the next 20 years?"  I didn't get it and stayed in the r/s while still seeing this T individually for the following 2 years.  Predictably, it got worse (chaos, rages, emotional and physical abuse) and I finally left the r/s for good.

Like many here, I felt that love would be enough to help resolve the issues or to help me radically accept the constant chaos (and abuse).  I saw the possibility of marriage and being in one house, but that vision began to lesson as the abuse increased and as I was working on myself in T.  I'm very glad that I held back from marriage and move-in plans long enough to comprehend that things were getting worse.  :)odging a bullet is a kind way to say it.  I literally saved myself a lifetime of chaos, abuse and unhappiness by getting out when I did.  My T told me after I finally left the r/s that in over 20 years of her active T practice, she only feared the outcomes for three of her clients.  I was one of them!

So, yes in my case that would most likely would have gotten worse if we married and were all under one roof.    

[verytired]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

Its incredible that people like me that 'dodged the bullet' still often doubt that they have actually dodged te bullet. I often still think, if I only have had a chance to marry her, things would have worked out. I guess it takes living through that situation to fully understand that it wouldnt have been the answer.

[wavelife]

The initial part of my relationship with my BPDw we lived together rather quickly and it went downhill fast!  We were back together and apart numerous times after that.  When we got together again three years ago it was back to the initial feelings of the relationship with more love bombing.

I too thought that, this time, if I married her and showed her the commitment it would be different.  It was not.  It spiraled down quickly and she did everything the same as when we first got together.  No amount of love or forgoing my needs and taking the abuse would change it.  The only thing the marriage did was drag out the inevitable.  I think she did want it to work and tried in her way and held on longer then I expected.  For me, I put up with more than I ever have or should have in order to try and save the marriage.

Same result every time... .now I have to go through a divorce on top of it all.

At least it was only three years!  Onwards and upwards!

[verytired]

CloseToFreedom... .

I was 13 years or so into the marriage before I had even heard of BPD. Until then, I really thought I was the reason for everything that was wrong in our relationship. By then it was too late and she will never get help. I'm still the one who needs to change, to "get fixed". She's locked up in her room even now because of my most recent transgression.

I'm happy for you that you found this website. Be strong and get on with your life. Come back to this site every time you feel an urge or are being drawn to her.

[downnout98]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

Its incredible that people like me that 'dodged the bullet' still often doubt that they have actually dodged te bullet. I often still think, if I only have had a chance to marry her, things would have worked out. I guess it takes living through that situation to fully understand that it wouldnt have been the answer.

I think that is the same place that I am in. I find myself trying to normalize her and wanting to ignore the BPD issues. I try to reason out her actions and dream that it could be a loving relationship. I am trying to put it in my head that it would not have gotten better if we married. I wish that it would have been so though. Guess I am just having a rough day.

She is trying to recycle.

[Tim300]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

Its incredible that people like me that 'dodged the bullet' still often doubt that they have actually dodged te bullet. I often still think, if I only have had a chance to marry her, things would have worked out. I guess it takes living through that situation to fully understand that it wouldnt have been the answer.

I think that is the same place that I am in. I find myself trying to normalize her and wanting to ignore the BPD issues. I try to reason out her actions and dream that it could be a loving relationship. I am trying to put it in my head that it would not have gotten better if we married. I wish that it would have been so though. Guess I am just having a rough day.

She is trying to recycle.

Sometimes when I catch myself thinking, "Why did she do X or Y?" I simply stop myself and answer, "She has Borderline Personality Disorder."  The answer is as simple as those 5 words.  I don't know why she does what she does, and neither does she, and neither does anyone else and nobody can talk sense into her.  Stay strong through the recycle attempt and be grateful that you are aware of BPD at this point.  If you re-engage, brace yourself for the worst of the stories on here.  

[apollotech]

The psychotherapist I saw last week told me towards the end of our meeting - "I know it is probably tough to see it this way right now, but in a way she did you a favor. I see people who come out of years of relationships like this and they are completely emotionally destroyed." The problem of all this is that YOU are almost never a part of the equation in these relationships. You didn't scorch the soul out of her, you can't fix it. No matter what you do.

^^^^^^WOW, enough said!

[downwhim]

We were engaged after 7 years on and off. Once engaged his mood changed dramatically. Sex was less frequent. He got mad when I introduced him as a boyfriend instead of fiancé and I told him it wasn't intentional and not a big deal. He made it huge. He wanted to buy a house together so when we started looking he freaked out. He said life was all about me.

He broke up with me via email and said I was basically selfish and I wanted this marriage not him. Funny thing was I never talked about marriage, asked for it and left it alone. He said he was stressed over the wedding. Not one plan was made. He created drama, then started silent treatment. I was a wreck experiencing PTSD and major anxiety. He said I was the problem.

My friends say I dodged a bullet. I still miss what we had when it was good. I miss a relationship. I miss my best friend but he changed and became so cruel.

[Tibbles]

I'm with verytired - 30 years together , things do NOT get better with marriage. It just gets more complicated to leave when kids are thrown into the mix etc. Yes I envy those who dodged the bullet too, I wonder what it would have been like to have been with some one "normal" for all those years. It makes no difference if you are married or not... They have BPD and you eventually become their constant trigger and that is when it really goes downhill.

Stay strong, stay away and heal

[louisnorman]

I married my wife after a very short time dating, I was taken in by her. I can say I never had anyone make me feel so needed as she did, after four short years of marriage I never felt so confused in my life.  Then a few years ago I read about BPD and it was her but now that a therapist has told her that's what is wrong. We are separated and I am now understanding that most of our problems where caused by BPD. At times I felt like I was the lowest form of life because that is what she told me. What I really was, was a man that loved a women I did not know. If I could go back the marriage never would of been.  There is so much hurt and confusion I could never go back.   

[apollotech]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

Its incredible that people like me that 'dodged the bullet' still often doubt that they have actually dodged te bullet. I often still think, if I only have had a chance to marry her, things would have worked out. I guess it takes living through that situation to fully understand that it wouldnt have been the answer.

I think that is the same place that I am in. I find myself trying to normalize her and wanting to ignore the BPD issues. I try to reason out her actions and dream that it could be a loving relationship. I am trying to put it in my head that it would not have gotten better if we married. I wish that it would have been so though. Guess I am just having a rough day.

She is trying to recycle.

Mine is attempting re-engagement right now. Got a text Tuesday morning that had so many hooks in it, custom tailored for me, that I pricked my hand when I picked up the phone. She was bold enough to use her relationship with the new bf for bait on one hook (Rather touching I thought. Can we say triangulation?). Thank God that I did not marry this poor woman!

[downnout98]

Yes, after 26 years that went from bad to worse (married to an uBPDw), I am jealous of anyone who "dodged the bullet". Live long and prosper! Oh, and say a prayer now & then for those of us that didn't.

Its incredible that people like me that 'dodged the bullet' still often doubt that they have actually dodged te bullet. I often still think, if I only have had a chance to marry her, things would have worked out. I guess it takes living through that situation to fully understand that it wouldnt have been the answer.

I think that is the same place that I am in. I find myself trying to normalize her and wanting to ignore the BPD issues. I try to reason out her actions and dream that it could be a loving relationship. I am trying to put it in my head that it would not have gotten better if we married. I wish that it would have been so though. Guess I am just having a rough day.

She is trying to recycle.

Mine is attempting re-engagement right now. Got a text Tuesday morning that had so many hooks in it, custom tailored for me, that I pricked my hand when I picked up the phone. She was bold enough to use her relationship with the new bf for bait on one hook (Rather touching I thought. Can we say triangulation?). Thank God that I did not marry this poor woman!

Unfortunately my ex is trying to engage as well. Also using her new BF to triangulate me. I really feel bad for her because she point blank admitted that she does not love him and that he is around because he is a nice guy. I think he is doormat like I was.

One of the biggest reasons I got out of this r/s was for my daughter. I am divorced and started my relationship with my ex gf while my daughter was 5. I started to feel more and more that my daughter was being painted black and I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't ask for the divorce and especially didn't ask for this. I was able to muscle through the recycles and abuse and thought love was enough, but the whole time I was able to shield my daughter from it until we moved in together. That's when it started to get worse.

I couldn't take it anymore and my daughter has to come first.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The more commitment and love I showed to my dBPDex, the less she reciprocated.  It all started to slow down after I told her "I love you."  Getting a house together, doing all the things that would make a healthy relationship strong, weakend that one.  Once we were engaged she pretty much turned into a selfish b___ the last 10 months.  The more she felt that I was committed, the more her foul traits came to the surface.  I guess when she was less secure she had to work harder to hide the disorder.  When it was clear that I would go through hell for her, she gave me that hell.  You dodged a bullet.  This poor souls need a lifetime of persistent therapy, commitment and love will only fall into their event horizon and disappear into the void.

[mitatsu]

Yes it does IME i married 6 months ago and have suffered every week and the treatment to me got worse and worse until i left 2 weeks ago... i'm now getting the i love you,what have you done,if only texts but have stood firm and told her GAME OVER! que the rants... .your a abuser blah blah blah

[downnout98]

Yes it does IME i married 6 months ago and have suffered every week and the treatment to me got worse and worse until i left 2 weeks ago... i'm now getting the i love you,what have you done,if only texts but have stood firm and told her GAME OVER! que the rants... .your a abuser blah blah blah

This disorder sucks so much. If they could only see for an instant how much we have given them and the unconditional love that we showed them. I guess that is the problem. They do see it for an instant and in the next instant it is gone. We give and give till we can't anymore. I would love to have married her, but by seeing all theses posts, it is better that did not. Still my heart hurts.

[Numbers]

One of the greatest lessons I learned from my recent one-nighter with ex after 1,5 years of NC was that most of our relationship was an act. She comes across as quite brash, vindicative... .almost haughty. Then I remembered that is exactly how she was many years ago when I first met her. Then she adjusted and drew me in. The point is that the bitter girl IS the real her. Only by fusing with me, she became nice, but soon the real her started showing through cracks. She once told me "I do not know how to handle nice", and unfortunately that is what will be haunting her for the rest of her life.

We did not end up getting married, but knowing what I know now, I believe that for her, marriage would be a milestone when facade can safely go down.

I can understand that she wishes to be 'real her', don't we all? The tragedy is that 'real her' is socially unacceptable.

[HappyNihilist]

Yes it does IME i married 6 months ago and have suffered every week and the treatment to me got worse and worse until i left 2 weeks ago... i'm now getting the i love you,what have you done,if only texts but have stood firm and told her GAME OVER! que the rants... .your a abuser blah blah blah

Hi there, mitatsu, and welcome to bpdfamily. I'm so sorry for your situation.   The end of these relationships is so painful and confusing. You've found a wonderful resource here.

How long were you and your ex together before you got married? What bad treatment did you experience?

I'm glad you're standing firm and taking care of You. 

[hoaianhcameron]

The psychotherapist I saw last week told me towards the end of our meeting - "I know it is probably tough to see it this way right now, but in a way she did you a favor. I see people who come out of years of relationships like this and they are completely emotionally destroyed." The problem of all this is that YOU are almost never a part of the equation in these relationships. You didn't scorch the soul out of her, you can't fix it. No matter what you do.

Now i feel lucky myself too

[swimjim]

Mine literally begged me to marry her. She said that I was the GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD. I held off because I sensed something was A LITTLE OFF about her.  I felt like an object rather than a human being. She seemed so desperate. Like others here, I still blame myself for holding back. I still ask myself " If only I would have given her the ring WHEN SHE WANZTED IT, maybe I would have avoided the split. It seems like I always find myself looking for encouragement from others that I dodged the bullet. Now I fear that she may have married my replacement.     

[Heldfast]

I gave mine the ring she begged for. The euphoria lasted about a week, then it started going downhill. She left me for an ex from 7 years go, moving cross country to be with him. No warning. It probably would not have helped. The commitment and intimacy increase just triggered a bigger swing of the pendulum. She's NC,.and from friends i hear. Am pretty much the devil to her now.