Setbacks, Triggers, Irony-Needing some cheers for strength

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been good.  Plugging along.  It's hard to believe just days ago I was in higher spirits than I've been in YEARS…literally, and today and yesterday, I'm a mess!  Like right back to zero.  Yuck.  I've been bursting at the seams to share this story and have been reluctant until now.  I always feel a tiny bit better when I post here because so many of you make me smile and even laugh at time.  Humor me.

I don't regret the decision to get back into the dating pool (I was miserable for years in the marriage, been out of the home for 10 months, and divorced since Dec), and will continue to carry on with cautious optimism…but just sticking my toe into the water…combined with: where I am in life, where this one particular individual WAS and HAD BEEN in life, and a several other factors sent me into a tailspin... .and my depression took a choke hold of me these past two days similar to how I felt just after the fallout with my exASPDh.  I refuse to date with the notion that I need a partner in my life to feel safe or happy.  I will continue to work hard to feel that way solidly on my own, so that I reap the benefits of a healthy relationship in good time.

In short, I'm in the process of visiting a dying parent who at her deathbed now says all the things I've longed to hear, know, or understand my entire life.  Tons of tears.  Constant bags under my eyes.  (Btw, I'm also NOW fully aware that my parent is an uBPD and it took a shattered relationship with an ASPD for me to get to this truth.  Couldn't be more tragically grateful.)

In the past few days I agree to briefly meet a guy who I'm surprisingly drawn to upon meeting him.  Conversation, voice, physical build and several other factors for a meet with an otherwise-stranger were more than appealing to me and it was an absolute treasure to be able to feel the awakening in my entire being that I CAN and WILL connect again.

Even at my worst, I've always been fairly self confident.  I'm a work in progress and when I get my physical and emotional self back to the good place it was, I'll be unstoppable.  With that said, as it stands, I'm a a very physically attractive 40-year old, educated, professional, ambitious, great conversationalist, overall fabulous person…and I own it!  I'll only get better from here and I know it is this last relationship that brought me to the brink.  I will be back.  SOoo, I definitely can't afford to connect with anyone that makes me feel even for a second that I am someone they may be "settling" for…no way!

Back to the story about my date:  I wasn't nearly as affected by the fact that this guy was 15 years older (he was in better shape than many my age or younger and I was very drawn to him), but learning that both of his ex wives were much younger (the latest 17 years his junior) and details of his life began to dredge up the very deepest insecurities within me, in a hurry.  If I'm going to bother spending time with someone that much older than me, there should be no question that I sense he feels he is in the presence of gold when he's with me.  The more we spoke, the quicker I felt that "I" was the one that had something more to live up to with this guy and even though one may think it's the older guy who should feel like he has something to live up to, things were shifted…he was spoiled with young, hot women and I just re-entered the dating pool, suddenly 40... .and I was realizing it was partly my own insecurities…and partly the reality of what he was definitely used to…MUCH younger, fitter women.  I also discovered this guy's ex (younger than me) is a bombshell extraordinaire. Ugh.  Not looking to compete…looking to be treasured so I can do the same.

Irony was in realizing this semi-retired guy HAD the beautiful homes, great kids, family life I always wished for and missed out on.  Whether it was one more date or several over the course of months or longer, the reality is I would at some point want things from life and a relationship that this guy was no longer in a place to offer.  I also quickly realized that the younger women and the attention he receives from them is what HE wants from life.  IMO, a genuine woman, at any age, should not feel like she's in competition with anyone else.  A genuine relationship between two people should solidly soothe each other from the inside out.  It's the reason we don't all find someone immediately in life and it's such a journey.  I ultimately did what I've never been very good at…I put the brakes on before date #2, even though 2 and 3 were planned. 

I know I'm not "ready" to date, but I am aware that I need the "practice" of dating interactions again to pull myself out of this struggling space of limbo where I question or doubt my self worth.  I'm smarter, wiser, and know how to play safer and better than ever before. 

I have a huge extended family but over the years have distanced myself from the handful I had a closer relationship with since my youth.  I've found their dysfunction and toxic communication exhausting.  Too many bouts of emotional cruelty.  I eventually accepted that disconnecting and being alone gave me peace.  When my mom dies I will have no genuine connections to family and that will be rough to explain to someone new.  I think it's a part of dating again that I dread the most. 

[Hope0807]

I've been good.  Plugging along.  It's hard to believe just days ago I was in higher spirits than I've been in YEARS…literally, and today and yesterday, I'm a mess!  Like right back to zero.  Yuck.  I've been bursting at the seams to share this story and have been reluctant until now.  I always feel a tiny bit better when I post here because so many of you make me smile and even laugh at time.  Humor me.

I don't regret the decision to get back into the dating pool (I was miserable for years in the marriage, been out of the home for 10 months, and divorced since Dec), and will continue to carry on with cautious optimism…but just sticking my toe into the water…combined with: where I am in life, where this one particular individual WAS and HAD BEEN in life, and a several other factors sent me into a tailspin... .and my depression took a choke hold of me these past two days similar to how I felt just after the fallout with my exASPDh.  I refuse to date with the notion that I need a partner in my life to feel safe or happy.  I will continue to work hard to feel that way solidly on my own, so that I reap the benefits of a healthy relationship in good time.

In short, I'm in the process of visiting a dying parent who at her deathbed now says all the things I've longed to hear, know, or understand my entire life.  Tons of tears.  Constant bags under my eyes.  (Btw, I'm also NOW fully aware that my parent is an uBPD and it took a shattered relationship with an ASPD for me to get to this truth.  Couldn't be more tragically grateful.)

In the past few days I agree to briefly meet a guy who I'm surprisingly drawn to upon meeting him.  Conversation, voice, physical build and several other factors for a meet with an otherwise-stranger were more than appealing to me and it was an absolute treasure to be able to feel the awakening in my entire being that I CAN and WILL connect again.

Even at my worst, I've always been fairly self confident.  I'm a work in progress and when I get my physical and emotional self back to the good place it was, I'll be unstoppable.  With that said, as it stands, I'm a a very physically attractive 40-year old, educated, professional, ambitious, great conversationalist, overall fabulous person…and I own it!  I'll only get better from here and I know it is this last relationship that brought me to the brink.  I will be back.  SOoo, I definitely can't afford to connect with anyone that makes me feel even for a second that I am someone they may be "settling" for…no way!

Back to the story about my date:  I wasn't nearly as affected by the fact that this guy was 15 years older (he was in better shape than many my age or younger and I was very drawn to him), but learning that both of his ex wives were much younger (the latest 17 years his junior) and details of his life began to dredge up the very deepest insecurities within me, in a hurry.  If I'm going to bother spending time with someone that much older than me, there should be no question that I sense he feels he is in the presence of gold when he's with me.  The more we spoke, the quicker I felt that "I" was the one that had something more to live up to with this guy and even though one may think it's the older guy who should feel like he has something to live up to, things were shifted…he was spoiled with young, hot women and I just re-entered the dating pool, suddenly 40... .and I was realizing it was partly my own insecurities…and partly the reality of what he was definitely used to…MUCH younger, fitter women.  I also discovered this guy's ex (younger than me) is a bombshell extraordinaire. Ugh.  Not looking to compete…looking to be treasured so I can do the same.

Irony was in realizing this semi-retired guy HAD the beautiful homes, great kids, family life I always wished for and missed out on.  Whether it was one more date or several over the course of months or longer, the reality is I would at some point want things from life and a relationship that this guy was no longer in a place to offer.  I also quickly realized that the younger women and the attention he receives from them is what HE wants from life.  IMO, a genuine woman, at any age, should not feel like she's in competition with anyone else.  A genuine relationship between two people should solidly soothe each other from the inside out.  It's the reason we don't all find someone immediately in life and it's such a journey.  I ultimately did what I've never been very good at…I put the brakes on before date #2, even though 2 and 3 were planned. 

I know I'm not "ready" to date, but I am aware that I need the "practice" of dating interactions again to pull myself out of this struggling space of limbo where I question or doubt my self worth.  I'm smarter, wiser, and know how to play safer and better than ever before. 

I have a huge extended family but over the years have distanced myself from the handful I had a closer relationship with since my youth.  I've found their dysfunction and toxic communication exhausting.  Too many bouts of emotional cruelty.  I eventually accepted that disconnecting and being alone gave me peace.  When my mom dies I will have no genuine connections to family and that will be rough to explain to someone new.  I think it's a part of dating again that I dread the most. 

[Pingo]

In short, I'm in the process of visiting a dying parent who at her deathbed now says all the things I've longed to hear, know, or understand my entire life.  Tons of tears.  Constant bags under my eyes.  (Btw, I'm also NOW fully aware that my parent is an uBPD and it took a shattered relationship with an ASPD for me to get to this truth.  Couldn't be more tragically grateful.)

Hope, I'm so sorry that you are going through this tough time with your Mom.  It must be very difficult to finally hear the things you've longed for. It must leave you with such a mixed bag of emotions. I have also learned through my BU with my uBPDexh that my mom is probably BPD. It has helped explain so much of the craziness I experienced growing up and why it's been near impossible to have a decent r/s with her as an adult. I'm thankful for this clarity also, I had never even heard of BPD before last summer!

If I'm going to bother spending time with someone that much older than me, there should be no question that I sense he feels he is in the presence of gold when he's with me. 

What a fantastic attitude Hope! Good for you for getting clear on your own worth! And good for you for putting the brakes on and admitting it's not what you want and you don't want to settle!

When my mom dies I will have no genuine connections to family and that will be rough to explain to someone new.  I think it's a part of dating again that I dread the most. 

I can relate to this, I know the fact that I am estranged from my parents and my r/s with my siblings is non-existent is a huge red flag and the part I dread discussing the most. But it is my story and I need to learn to own it without shame.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I think you may be placing more emphasis on the term "dating" than what it should identify.

I know I'm not "ready" to date, but I am aware that I need the "practice" of dating interactions again to pull myself out of this struggling space of limbo where I question or doubt my self worth.  I'm smarter, wiser, and know how to play safer and better than ever before.

Perhaps you are not ready for dating just one person exclusively.

Dating, for me, means something casual - a meeting between two people who do not know each other.  :)ating also means meetings with (hopefully) as many people as possible. If someone doesn't work out for you, then you can decide that anything further is not possible, and just end the contact, or maintain and friendship. By your 5th date, you should have a clear idea where to go.  It is not realistic to judge someone's potential on 2 or 3 dates.

What you are feeling is exactly what dating is supposed to do - present a potential opportunity.  It should not be a one-way guarantee to meet your expectations. If you want to enjoy the new gentleman's company because you have a strong attraction to him, go for it.  If, however, you want Mr. Right for You, than it would be a mistake to continue going against gut feelings.

I'm 51 and I feel like I am getting aged out.  I wanted a family and kids of my own, and it is hard to accept that will never happen now.  

Sometimes, in order to find happiness, you have to alter your personal goals and modify them - and not be quite so rigid.

[Hope0807]

Appreciate your thoughts Downtrodden, but my thinking is far from rigid and I fully intend on meeting casually and enjoying.  My personal goals are being modified on a daily basis and I'm loving it. 

It was a first step for me in 8 years that felt both invigorating and frightening at the same time.  My post is simply an admission of growth and reflective awareness that experience, and not turning away from it will help heal.  Essentially:  "The medicine is the pain".  Dating and feeling again is both painful and medicinally necessary.  I'm in!

Totally agreed, I'm also fully aware that I'm not ready to be dating one person exclusively, and have no intentions to anytime soon.  I "dated" without exclusion before my ex and had a fabulous time.  I'm not afraid of it one bit.

I would never expect dating to be a one way guarantee to meet my expectations.  Not even a little.  Not sure where you got that.

I also appreciate you sharing that you feel you're getting "aged out" and feel you've missed the boat as well with kids and a family.  May I ask how long you were with your BPD ex and why children didn't come into the picture?  For me, I was originally disappointed that we didn't have kids, then with the "term" actualized, I'm thrilled to not have that forever bond.  Good luck and I respect if you choose not to share those details.  Just curious.  It's tough.

I think you may be placing more emphasis on the term "dating" than what it should identify.

I know I'm not "ready" to date, but I am aware that I need the "practice" of dating interactions again to pull myself out of this struggling space of limbo where I question or doubt my self worth.  I'm smarter, wiser, and know how to play safer and better than ever before.

Perhaps you are not ready for dating just one person exclusively.

Dating, for me, means something casual - a meeting between two people who do not know each other.  Dating also means meetings with (if possible) as many people as possible. If someone doesn't work out for you, then you can decide that anything further is not possible, and just end the contact, or maintain and friendship.

What you are feeling is exactly what dating is supposed to do - present a potential opportunity.  It shoud not be a one-way guarantee to meet your expectations. If you want to enjoy the new gentleman's company because you have a strong attraction to him, go for it.  If, however, you want Mr. Right for You, than it would be a mistake to continue going against gut feelings.

I'm 51 and I feel like I am getting aged out.  I wanted a family and kids of my own, and it is hard to accept that will never happen now. 

Sometimes, in order to find happiness, you have to alter your personal goals and modify them - not be so rigid.

[hope2727]

Hope pls keep posting. You are my hero. I can't respond properly as I am on a 15 min lunch but ill try to respond properly tonight.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I also appreciate you sharing that you feel you're getting "aged out" and feel you've missed the boat as well with kids and a family.  May I ask how long you were with your BPD ex and why children didn't come into the picture?  For me, I was originally disappointed that we didn't have kids, then with the "term" actualized, I'm thrilled to not have that forever bond.  Good luck and I respect if you choose not to share those details.  Just curious.  It's tough.

My relationship lasted for about 1 year.  4 months getting to know one another followed by 6 months of romantic / physical involvement. We never lived together; th eplan was for me to relocate and move in with her after she got things together via therapy and de-toxed from her last relationship. She never did, though.

She confided in me that one reason she and a long term ex BF failed was that she wanted kids.  She was a lot younger than he, and she sort of decided she could do without when they first got together.  After many years she realized she wasn't happy.  I on;y know of things her ex did so I"m not in tune to his side, but he, like she seems damaged.

I told her deep down I wanted to have a kid, but my career (self employed right now) would not be enough to support a child, it would be unfair.  However she made decent money (high functioning BPD) with a good career, and what I have or did not have did not matter at all to her.

That's one reason it was so easy and natural to fall in love with her.  So many women only want certain traits in a man.  I am not your typical alpha male.  My interests are not mainstream, and I also have health issues which I've had to deal with for several decades.  Things that all add up to strikes against me, as I am being realistic.

I had been uninvolved for many years, alone, hoping, looking.  I was 49 when I met my ex who is in her late 30s.

I have to be honest now and say that if I wasn't with her, I'd still have been alone. I don't regret my relationship, I only regret that my lack of positive relationship experience prevented me from doing the healthy thing, and getting away when the first cracks began to appear. Once she got pregnant by another when she professed to have deep feelings for only me, well, I was just shattered.  Still am.

Thanks for asking, btw.  i do hope you manage to find some happiness. At least i can root for others if I can't root for myself anymore

[hope2727]

I have a huge extended family but over the years have distanced myself from the handful I had a closer relationship with since my youth.  I've found their dysfunction and toxic communication exhausting.  Too many bouts of emotional cruelty.  I eventually accepted that disconnecting and being alone gave me peace.  When my mom dies I will have no genuine connections to family and that will be rough to explain to someone new.  I think it's a part of dating again that I dread the most.

Hope I could have written that myself. Seriously its like a direct quote of something I have said on may occasions. So keep your chin up you are not alone.

As for dating. Yeah I hate it too. I am not perfect by any stretch but I am pretty darn wonderful. I refuse to settle for anyone who doesn't recognize that. I am not second best, the booby prize or a back up plan. I would rather be single forever then settle for anything less than respect and love.

So go date. Date a whole bunch of different guys. Get to know a few. Learn what you do and don't like. Then tell me all about it because I can't seem to get started. 

[Hope0807]

Hang in there, DownTrodden.  Thank god you got in and out in a year.  I was in the thick of it for 6 years.  Mind you, my situation was much more of a purposeful fraud wrapped in a magic act.  Mine saved all the severe cruelty for the bitter end and nearly drove me off the edge.  I'm still friggin' here!   

Thanks for the kind words as always, Pingo!

Hope 2727,

I found myself back in the Shattering stage these last 48 hours, but I'm so much better right now and ready to take on tomorrow.  I remember my Shattering stage so well.  7 months ago I found my ex in bed with a woman who wasn't his new replacement just days after he told me to make sure I come and go anytime I'd like…kindly reminding me it was still my home:)  Things had been getting stranger by the day for the better part of a year or more.  He moved in with a totally different female financial replacement, stole my business, abandoned the home we could've sold and profited from if he was normal, spread bizarre rumors about me to everyone we knew, I found the drugs he did and sold, and cried for days into months on end wondering how I would survive.  I was convinced it would last forever.  I remember thinking I would never smile again, want to turn on music, or even brush my hair.  Today on a daily basis I look better than I've looked in the last years.  I'm clawing and clawing my way back.  I take good care of myself inside and out.  I blast music that makes my hips and shoulders groove…even when I'm in the car. 

After two phone conversations and within seconds of this person (the "date" coming into my space…EVERY BIT of worry that I might never feel an intense interest & connection with someone again COMPLETELY LEFT MY BODY.  The energy between me and this other total stranger was enough to convince me that I AM WAKING UP and I DESERVE to FEEL AWAKE.  The ground before me became undone in an entirely different way than it had with the fallout of my ex and it was ENTIRELY NECESSARY.  Going out on a 30-min meet & greet turned my world upside down (temporarily) and even though the experience hit me hard, I wouldn't have done it any differently.  I'm so proud of myself that I put the kibosh on something in a hurry instead of dragging myself to a place of utter discomfort.  I'm practicing boundaries and giving my new wings the "okay" to fly!  This guy was a MAN.  He was intense, but comfortably so.  I'll always be attracted to an intensity and certain rawness with men.  I have to be careful of that and make sure I allow time and experience to reveal that those qualities are not attached to a disturbed personality.  I also have to give people without that intensity a fairer chance and see what may come in time.

I look at it this way, there's much to be said for "getting back on the horse" adage.  if our goal is to be an actor in life, we won't ever get that one great gig if we don't go on auditions and feel like crap after most rejections.  If we love our job that requires us to fly, we'll have to find the strength to get over the fear of flying.  Athletes have lost their limbs in the midst of the sport they love the most and never hesitate to get right back in the game.  FEAR is paralyzing.  I will NOT be paralyzed by someone who goes through this life with so much less than the gifts I was born with.  I was born with the ability to love deeply and receive it in return.  I will not give up on cautious optimism. 

Tonight I spoke with a guy who did not draw me in as the other did, BUT he was extremely genuine and forthcoming without being a bit intrusive.  I'll give him a chance and more importantly, I'll give MYSELF a chance.  I'm stepping out of my box and tuning in to the sights and sounds I never paid attention to before.  There's a lot of life left in me.  My heart and feet want to dance.  They will.

My list of must-haves has been built for years and continues to shift on a daily basis.  As of this Saturday, I have no problem "dating" men much older.  Sure I require teeth, groomed fingernails, a job, vehicle, and the list goes on a on.  At the end of day it will take TIME as I take on the new position of "observer" instead of "absorber" in any relationship.  In a BILLION years, I would have never thought my new truth would be:  I SURVIVED A PSYCHOPATH.  I WAS MARRIED TO, LOVED, SLEPT NEXT TO, AND BUILT A BUSINESS AND AN IDENTITY FOR A…PSYCHOPATH.  Me?  Seriously?

So there you have it.  HOPE is all we have.  Don't let it go.  I hope you find your way to get started because an awakening in all of us is definitely in order!  I have not been put on this earth for this one person to have darkened my light for long.  I won't stand for it.  With that said, take your time.  Only you can gauge when you're ready.  I'd like to recommend a book called, "Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine.  It's pretty great.  Essentially, he teaches us how humans have a way of allowing themselves to stay trapped in trauma and remain victims of their own suffering.  We do have the natural ability to heal from trauma and where there is a will, there is a way.  I think his techniques are very practical and relatable. 

I am FAR from where I need to be.  I've no doubt that I'll be posting with more tears sometime soon.  I'm so very grateful for this BPD family community.  Peace to all!