Boundaries & self care as step mom with BPDxw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I thought this might be useful to anyone struggling with creating boundaries and self care in a co-parenting situation with a BPDx.

As a new step mom here it's tough. I am doing my best to STOP arguments, validate the kids feelings even when they are painful for us, require respect and be supportive. But it takes a lot to face the kids' onslaughts some of which seem manipulated by their mom, without being hurt or drained myself. I was becoming resentful and needed support/care for me to maintain myself in the face of this.

One big thing I needed was better boundaries. So I made an emotional map of our family. I wrote out what each child needs and does, then did the same for BPDx (who I was quite mad at), my bf and me. It was really helpful for 3 reasons:

1) gave me more perspective on them and what to expect so I am not blindsided

2) seeing it written made it feel more factual than emotional and easier to let go

3) showed me my part and what I need to do for me

We still have a long way to go, so if anyone else has any thoughts on how to stay strong, I'd love to hear them.

xo

LL

[Lovelight]

Hi everyone,

I thought this might be useful to anyone struggling with creating boundaries and self care in a co-parenting situation with a BPDx.

As a new step mom here it's tough. I am doing my best to STOP arguments, validate the kids feelings even when they are painful for us, require respect and be supportive. But it takes a lot to face the kids' onslaughts some of which seem manipulated by their mom, without being hurt or drained myself. I was becoming resentful and needed support/care for me to maintain myself in the face of this.

One big thing I needed was better boundaries. So I made an emotional map of our family. I wrote out what each child needs and does, then did the same for BPDx (who I was quite mad at), my bf and me. It was really helpful for 3 reasons:

1) gave me more perspective on them and what to expect so I am not blindsided

2) seeing it written made it feel more factual than emotional and easier to let go

3) showed me my part and what I need to do for me

We still have a long way to go, so if anyone else has any thoughts on how to stay strong, I'd love to hear them.

xo

LL

[Lovelight]

Clarification: I wrote out what each person believes, wants and does.

LL

[livednlearned]

This is such a good idea! Can you give an example of what you included in the emotional map? I'm trying to picture this. It could be such a great tool for people.

My SO has three kids and I'm still feeling a bit scorched from my own N/BPDx husband that I realized I'm not engaging the kids because I know it will start things. She seems to be some kind of pre-clinical BPD. Infidelity, suicide ideation, parental alienation, unstable sense of self, splitting, projections, etc.

Thank you Lovelight!

LnL

[knockitoff]

This is a great idea, I would also like to see an example of something one might write on the map.

[bravhart1]

The topic of step moms and self care seems to hit quite a hot button with the burned out steps on this board.

Any advice is appreciated, if you have found a way to overcome the depression and anger that seems to well up inside when facing daily an adversary,  I would love to hear more about it.

I don't think I really understand your map idea. Thanks

[catclaw]

Hey lovelight!

This sounds really good. I know these maps from the systemic approach which I know from both personal and professional sides and find them pretty helpful to figure out where you stand and what is expected (little dolls or stones or whatever are also helpful to stand for each person and visualize the dynamics between them) from you.

I'm still far away from NOT being upset anymore, but it gets better every day