It's All So Simple

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you all for your support during this time for me.  I have to say, five days out and I've gained so much clarity, from you all and just being out of it.  I have come to realize the simplicity of it all.  Sorry for the length here ... .but it's important for me to share what I've just realized ... .

I met my exBPDgf as she was still in the throws of a divorce from her NPD ex husband.  At the time, she was seeing someone but "claimed" it was just for company - she could not be zone.  He texted her about three months into our relationship and I said I can't have that.  Right there and then as cold as ice I watched her text him not to contact her.  Three or four rapid texts came back and she looks at them and goes "he's just angry" in such a cold manner.  Why didn't I see my fate then!

Anyway, given my father was NPD I was able over the last year (we were together for about a year) give her tons of advice and help regarding her NPD ex's post-divorce abuse.  In addition, because his abuse centered on alienating their only living at home daughter, I gave advice and help on this as my dad did that to my sister and she committed suicide.  Lo and behold, the daughter also tries to commit suicide during the alienation fight late last year.

Through all MY efforts (she froze when it came to what to do when emotions hit) I got the daughter into a therapeutic bordering school on January 23rd, and at that same time her ex stopped his abuse as he had nothing left to abuse my exBPDgf with.  SINCE everything got quiet a month ago is when the devaluation started.  I'm clear headed now, and the timing is uncanny.  I don't have a lot of money at the moment, and she occasionally threw bones my way that it didn't bother her, but never explicitly said that that was ok (I knew it wasn't ok, but I fell for her slight words).  She's a waif, her exNPDh had lots of money and she always talked about missing that lifestyle.  You see where I'm going.  exNPDh quiets down, daughter safe and away ... .I'm no longer needed!  Now she needs someone with money.  How did I miss this!

I just broke NC by sending her an email telling her I know all this, my usefulness was over, that she manufactured our demise with push / pull / devaluation because she was a coward and couldn't just tell me, and it was now time for someone with money.  I had to, I just had to tell her I knew.  Will she respond to such an email as a defense mechanism to tell me that's not true?  She hates being hated ... .it's her worst fear.  Not sure.  Thanks all.

[ripps]

Thank you all for your support during this time for me.  I have to say, five days out and I've gained so much clarity, from you all and just being out of it.  I have come to realize the simplicity of it all.  Sorry for the length here ... .but it's important for me to share what I've just realized ... .

I met my exBPDgf as she was still in the throws of a divorce from her NPD ex husband.  At the time, she was seeing someone but "claimed" it was just for company - she could not be zone.  He texted her about three months into our relationship and I said I can't have that.  Right there and then as cold as ice I watched her text him not to contact her.  Three or four rapid texts came back and she looks at them and goes "he's just angry" in such a cold manner.  Why didn't I see my fate then!

Anyway, given my father was NPD I was able over the last year (we were together for about a year) give her tons of advice and help regarding her NPD ex's post-divorce abuse.  In addition, because his abuse centered on alienating their only living at home daughter, I gave advice and help on this as my dad did that to my sister and she committed suicide.  Lo and behold, the daughter also tries to commit suicide during the alienation fight late last year.

Through all MY efforts (she froze when it came to what to do when emotions hit) I got the daughter into a therapeutic bordering school on January 23rd, and at that same time her ex stopped his abuse as he had nothing left to abuse my exBPDgf with.  SINCE everything got quiet a month ago is when the devaluation started.  I'm clear headed now, and the timing is uncanny.  I don't have a lot of money at the moment, and she occasionally threw bones my way that it didn't bother her, but never explicitly said that that was ok (I knew it wasn't ok, but I fell for her slight words).  She's a waif, her exNPDh had lots of money and she always talked about missing that lifestyle.  You see where I'm going.  exNPDh quiets down, daughter safe and away ... .I'm no longer needed!  Now she needs someone with money.  How did I miss this!

I just broke NC by sending her an email telling her I know all this, my usefulness was over, that she manufactured our demise with push / pull / devaluation because she was a coward and couldn't just tell me, and it was now time for someone with money.  I had to, I just had to tell her I knew.  Will she respond to such an email as a defense mechanism to tell me that's not true?  She hates being hated ... .it's her worst fear.  Not sure.  Thanks all.

[Reecer1588]

I doubt she will respond to your e-mail at all friend. Sorry.

I myself sent my uBPDexgf a couple of e-mails. She never directly responded to either of them.

In your case, I'm sure she just blew off your e-mail. It's one of the 'myths' that they will see the light

[ripps]

Right. But I just thought she would want to at least deny it. Again, she hates when people think badly of her ... .that's why she wanted to end it saying it was all my fault.

[Reecer1588]

Right. But I just thought she would want to at least deny it. Again, she hates when people think badly of her ... .that's why she wanted to end it saying it was all my fault.

Unfortunately I lack a crystal ball. Remember that these people do not think like we do. To her, the e-mail might as well have been written in Mandarin. I mean, I sent a long, thought out e-mail detailing each one of the behaviors that my uBPDexgf did to me, what was her response?

"That e-mail was immature"

That was it! The whole summation of all my efforts for one line!

Ahhhhh!

Basically yeah she might respond to your e-mail. But it'll probably just be a line or two. You'll probably be more frustrated with that than with no response.

What I can guarantee you it won't be is a though out response wherein it seems to you she's really seen the light.

[Infern0]

You seem to have figured it all out and have it together pretty good.

My advice would be to let it go.

The only way to "win" against devaluation is to just not engage it. You won't gain anything from contact at this point except frustration and giving her validation that you still care on some level.

Move on with not a single  **** given

[ripps]

Thanks all. I know in her need for self validation she'll read it as "he still wants me".  But I have to be true to me ... .I needed her to know that I know she used me. In essence "you didn't fool me".  I know what she did the was partly sub conscious, but too xxxx bad ... .it was all lined up so neatly: guy to keep her company, gone. Then guy to help her through the tough part, gone. Now bring me the guy with money.

[Reecer1588]

Thanks all. I know in her need for self validation she'll read it as "he still wants me".  But I have to be true to me ... .I needed her to know that I know she used me. In essence "you didn't fool me".  I know what she did the was partly sub conscious, but too xxxx bad ... .it was all lined up so neatly: guy to keep her company, gone. Then guy to help her through the tough part, gone. Now bring me the guy with money.

I mean man just realize what kind of a pathetic life she is leading. Maybe that will make you realize you really are better than her. Is she going out and fulfilling her OWN ambitions? Is she travelling? Visiting foreign, exotic new places? No.

She spends her time scheming who will fulfill her needs.

Just think about how pathetic that is.

That is what drives me forward, not only is my exgf not going anywhere, I was her best chance at getting out of her situation. I DO come from a wealthy background. I AM intelligent, thoughtful and I don't have an aggressive bone in my body. Do i F*** up? yes. of course I do.

But I'm going somewhere in my life. I speak English, German, and Russian. I maintain high grades, I love public speaking, and I'm well versed in history, theology, and many other things.

Who is she going to replace me with? Probably some loser. Someone who just wants to be her doormat. And if he's not a total doormat, he will leave her eventually just like I tried to leave her (but failed to do.) So I'm not so much worried about the whole 'replacement' thing beyond just hating the idea of her having sex with someone else. But out of sight, out mind? Right?

What does she do? Oh well now she's going to major in Ag science. maybe become a teacher.  Is she going anywhere? NO

Sometimes thinking in these blunt, almost hurtful terms really does help me put things in perspective. sorry if some of y'all think it is to krass.

[Infern0]

Thanks all. I know in her need for self validation she'll read it as "he still wants me".  But I have to be true to me ... .I needed her to know that I know she used me. In essence "you didn't fool me".  I know what she did the was partly sub conscious, but too xxxx bad ... .it was all lined up so neatly: guy to keep her company, gone. Then guy to help her through the tough part, gone. Now bring me the guy with money.

You didn't need that at all you are in a lot of emotional upheaval and acting on emotions which isn't good.

If you know what she was up to at least you have answers,  a lot of poor people out there get trashed by BPDs and never even work out their partner was disordered.  There's people out there who think this is normal!

You'll be all good my man.

[sun seeker]

 Sorry to hear you guys going through this hang in there.

[GrowThroughIt]

I understand emailing her. I feel tempted to tell my ex all about herself. But ultimately it's ego. I feel loke I got taken for an idiot, so I feel like letting her know she is the actual idiot for throwing something that would have been good for her away. But that's the point! Good for HER! It would have been good for her if she didn't end it. What about what is good for me? Good for me, is seeing that she is not worth it at all!

Personally, I think emailing does show you care as well as wondering if she will reply. The question you need to ask is why do you care?

I'm almost in the same boat. I want to tell her EVERYTHING! At times I hope she calls so I can tell her about herself, but it would be lost on her. I'd rather put that energy into something else, something for me now!

[ripps]

Thanks all. You're right. And she didn't reply. Now I woke up this morning full of dread she got it and smiled and just thought "aww, such a little boy he still wants me". I hate this, now I have to start nc all over again. Feel terrible. Her mask was of such a loving, lovely, nice person. I saw at the end, and especially when she discarded me, how cold and calculating she really is. I just want her moment of "what did I lose!" To be now. My therapist says no way, no way is she going to find someone as caring, loving, and kind as me. Anyway, struggling again today, trying hard. Thanks.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks all. You're right. And she didn't reply. Now I woke up this morning full of dread she got it and smiled and just thought "aww, such a little boy he still wants me". I hate this, now I have to start nc all over again. Feel terrible. Her mask was of such a loving, lovely, nice person. I saw at the end, and especially when she discarded me, how cold and calculating she really is. I just want her moment of "what did I lose!" To be now. My therapist says no way, no way is she going to find someone as caring, loving, and kind as me. Anyway, struggling again today, trying hard. Thanks.

I wish my ex would have a "What did I lose?" moment. But even if she does, do you really expect her to tell you? Their ego CAN NOT take that!

More importantly, we shouldn't care for them to come to that realisation. I have that wish as well, but essentially I am looking for validation. I want to feel like I meant something and therefore worth something. But we should feel like that anyway, without needing validation from someone who is not as great as they like to make out.

Essentially, she is not worth anything (in my eyes), therefore her opinion is not worth anything (in my eyes).

I struggle with this stuff and I have conversations in my head with her. Soon I hope I can stop ruminating over someone so... .well... .pathetic... .

[ripps]

Thanks again guys. I'm really working on letting go, but it's hard. One thing I thought of ... .maybe my email calling her out on using me will mean she won't ever contact me again (even after losing her current relationship, which I know she is in. She would have emailed me back if she wasn't). Maybe I closed it out, so good came out of it?  Sorry, I am trying to grieve healthily and talking to you, hearing any sort of feedback, is helping make sense of it all.

[Reecer1588]

I would say that you just can not tell with these types if they will contact you again or not. I started multiple threads on it.

[Infared]

Right. But I just thought she would want to at least deny it. Again, she hates when people think badly of her ... .that's why she wanted to end it saying it was all my fault.

You only have a few days... .rough place to be.

I would say that the sooner you can step out of the drama (sending messages so that she gets YOUR truth and expecting answers of vindication from her - [there will be none of those]), the better you will be and you can start to heal.

"He texted her about three months into our relationship and I said I can't have that.  Right there and then as cold as ice I watched her text him not to contact her.  Three or four rapid texts came back and she looks at them and goes "he's just angry" in such a cold manner.  Why didn't I see my fate then!"

Amen to that!

I was shown all that behavior right up front, too. ... .and like you, I foolishly believed that I would not be treated in the same manner. She was showing me EXACTLY who she was    and I chose to ignore it. DUH!  

All we can do is forgive ourselves, learn and move forward. I got no understanding or closure from this person... .just devaluation as she was off to her next conquest... .

I also got drive-byes etc. and attempts at contact but she was living with my replacement, so I let her actions speak louder than words to me, and I never "played" in her self-centered attempts at triangulation. (It was extremely painful to resist). ... .so be prepared for ANY behavior... . They are a trip!

[Reecer1588]

Right. But I just thought she would want to at least deny it. Again, she hates when people think badly of her ... .that's why she wanted to end it saying it was all my fault.

You only have a few days... .rough place to be.

I would say that the sooner you can step out of the drama (sending messages so that she gets YOUR truth and expecting answers of vindication from her - [there will be none of those]), the better you will be and you can start to heal.

"He texted her about three months into our relationship and I said I can't have that.  Right there and then as cold as ice I watched her text him not to contact her.  Three or four rapid texts came back and she looks at them and goes "he's just angry" in such a cold manner.  Why didn't I see my fate then!"

Amen to that!

I was shown all that behavior right up front, too. ... .and like you, I foolishly believed that I would not be treated in the same manner. She was showing me EXACTLY who she was    and I chose to ignore it. DUH!  

All we can do is forgive ourselves, learn and move forward. I got no understanding or closure from this person... .just devaluation as she was off to her next conquest... .

I also got drive-byes etc. and attempts at contact but she was living with my replacement, so I let her actions speak louder than words to me, and I never "played" in her self-centered attempts at triangulation. (It was extremely painful to resist). ... .so be prepared for ANY behavior... . They are a trip!

This is insane. It is just insane sometimes how much of our stories overlaps. I am only 19 years old, and I was 17 years old when this happened. My ex blocked her exbf's number right in front of my face to prove a point. And this guy is a really nice guy who works with kids in a church. Nothing wrong with him. And I watched her "prove herself" in front of me, didn't even think it could happen to me either. God I was blind.

[Infared]

Right. But I just thought she would want to at least deny it. Again, she hates when people think badly of her ... .that's why she wanted to end it saying it was all my fault.

You only have a few days... .rough place to be.

I would say that the sooner you can step out of the drama (sending messages so that she gets YOUR truth and expecting answers of vindication from her - [there will be none of those]), the better you will be and you can start to heal.

"He texted her about three months into our relationship and I said I can't have that.  Right there and then as cold as ice I watched her text him not to contact her.  Three or four rapid texts came back and she looks at them and goes "he's just angry" in such a cold manner.  Why didn't I see my fate then!"

Amen to that!

I was shown all that behavior right up front, too. ... .and like you, I foolishly believed that I would not be treated in the same manner. She was showing me EXACTLY who she was    and I chose to ignore it. DUH!  

All we can do is forgive ourselves, learn and move forward. I got no understanding or closure from this person... .just devaluation as she was off to her next conquest... .

I also got drive-byes etc. and attempts at contact but she was living with my replacement, so I let her actions speak louder than words to me, and I never "played" in her self-centered attempts at triangulation. (It was extremely painful to resist). ... .so be prepared for ANY behavior... . They are a trip!

This is insane. It is just insane sometimes how much of our stories overlaps. I am only 19 years old, and I was 17 years old when this happened. My ex blocked her exbf's number right in front of my face to prove a point. And this guy is a really nice guy who works with kids in a church. Nothing wrong with him. And I watched her "prove herself" in front of me, didn't even think it could happen to me either. God I was blind.

Mine was oh... .ohh... .OHHHH so sweet to me during the mirroring. ... .but I could make of list of the things that I watched her do to others and also things I did that were bad for me. She was beautiful and I was smitten with the love bombing. Oh so smitten.   When she replaced me, while still living with me (two weeks before Christmas... .lying about it to boot... how is that for F'ing cold and cruel! )... .she got so vindictive... at first I did not know who she was... .and then... .I remembered... .oh... yeah... .I remember her treating others that way in the beginning ... .and she just verbally abused the crap out of her ex to me... .and from what I know he was a really nice guy.  She was really mean.  ... .but not with me for 5 years... .and then once she had the backing of new supply... .I got to meet satan  . I kid you not!

[MrBlueEyes]

I am curious why you are so sure its about money? Things she has said, other then the one lifestyle comment?


I'm asking becasue I noticed something about my exBPDgf that is just in the theory stages. What I think happens with her is her desires follow her needs. I do not believe she fakes the desire.

I'll explain. When I first met her I turned her down due to her being married but in an open relationship. He then had a no contact order put on him for suspiscion of hurting her son. I was told by her and a few mutual friends that he was going to jail etc. I spent the next month and a half hanging out with her in a group setting as we work together and many people at my work are friends outside of work and do things a a group. I never heard her speak of him and many of these events took place at her place. Eventually I slept with her and started staying there a lot. I never saw him or any sign of a man having been there.

There was no doubt in my mind she was into me she would talk to me, jump me, etc. She would tell mutual friends how much she liked me etc. How she would leave work early just to cuddle with me etc.

We ended up going three go arounds and to make a long story short after the last she made the statement that she was only with me becasue she couldn't be with who she wanted to be with. She also told me that she needed me the last time due to her income dropping becasue it started before summer and her income is 1800 a month less when she is not going to school.


Now I do not believe in any way shape or form that she fooled me into believing she was into me when  she was not. What I believe happens is they need something money, affection, etc. And then you provide that and then in turn they axtually do desire you and really get into you.

I know none of us can control who we are into and the heart wants what the heart wants. That said I couldn't image how tough a life would be when one single attribute about someone that you lack from your current partner can be casue do all of the sudden split the current partner black in favor of a new person.


Your thoughts? Is this what you see?

[apollotech]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

[Infared]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

Your assessment sounds cold, but from what I experienced, it is accurate. I would even add a few adjectives to your definition:

They are extremely self-centered children with amplified needs that change with a breeze.

Sad, but true.

[apollotech]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

Your assessment sounds cold, but from what I experienced, it is accurate. I would even add a few adjectives to your definition:

They are extremely self-centered children with amplified needs that change with a breeze.

Sad, but true.

Infared,

My assessment is cold. It is cold because it is an unemotional, objective view. I am strongly of the opinion that the sooner someone sees, accepts, and forgives their respective pwBPD as a person with a mental illness, the quicker that they, the Non, can begin to heal themselves. We all know what happens when a Non stays emotionally engaged with a pwBPD, we have all been there. That dysfunctional emotional attachment and the resulting dysfunctional dissolving of said attachment has brought the majority of us to these boards, myself at the front of that sad line. My assessment was not designed to hurt; it was designed to inform.

[Infared]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

Your assessment sounds cold, but from what I experienced, it is accurate. I would even add a few adjectives to your definition:

They are extremely self-centered children with amplified needs that change with a breeze.

Sad, but true.

Infared,

My assessment is cold. It is cold because it is an unemotional, objective view. I am strongly of the opinion that the sooner someone sees, accepts, and forgives their respective pwBPD as a person with a mental illness, the quicker that they, the Non, can begin to heal themselves. We all know what happens when a Non stays emotionally engaged with a pwBPD, we have all been there. That dysfunctional emotional attachment and the resulting dysfunctional dissolving of said attachment has brought the majority of us to these boards, myself at the front of that sad line. My assessment was not designed to hurt; it was designed to inform.

I was not criticizing you. I agree with you. Completely.

[GrowThroughIt]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

Your assessment sounds cold, but from what I experienced, it is accurate. I would even add a few adjectives to your definition:

They are extremely self-centered children with amplified needs that change with a breeze.

Sad, but true.

Infared,

My assessment is cold. It is cold because it is an unemotional, objective view. I am strongly of the opinion that the sooner someone sees, accepts, and forgives their respective pwBPD as a person with a mental illness, the quicker that they, the Non, can begin to heal themselves. We all know what happens when a Non stays emotionally engaged with a pwBPD, we have all been there. That dysfunctional emotional attachment and the resulting dysfunctional dissolving of said attachment has brought the majority of us to these boards, myself at the front of that sad line. My assessment was not designed to hurt; it was designed to inform.

I find it hard to be forgiving. Firstly she is insightful enough and self aware enough to know she has a problem. She behaves in a cold and calculated way, and is completely aware of that behaviour. She chooses to not work on herself as she should. Secondly, if I forgive her, then I would feel sorry for her and would want to reach out and help her! But I understand where you are coming from. In order to move on I need to forgive her. I find it much harder forgiving myself though... .

[Infared]

She will only respond to your email if by so doing will fulfill a need of hers. Everything a pwBPD does is needs based, to fulfill their needs.

They are children with amplified needs. That is why they suck the life out of the Non's that engage them. That's why relationships with them are completely one-sided. That's why their actions very seldom, if ever, match the words that they spew. Etc.

If you don't see them and accept them for who they are--a person with a severe mental disorder--you're destined to stay trapped in turmoil.

Your assessment sounds cold, but from what I experienced, it is accurate. I would even add a few adjectives to your definition:

They are extremely self-centered children with amplified needs that change with a breeze.

Sad, but true.

Infared,

My assessment is cold. It is cold because it is an unemotional, objective view. I am strongly of the opinion that the sooner someone sees, accepts, and forgives their respective pwBPD as a person with a mental illness, the quicker that they, the Non, can begin to heal themselves. We all know what happens when a Non stays emotionally engaged with a pwBPD, we have all been there. That dysfunctional emotional attachment and the resulting dysfunctional dissolving of said attachment has brought the majority of us to these boards, myself at the front of that sad line. My assessment was not designed to hurt; it was designed to inform.

I find it hard to be forgiving. Firstly she is insightful enough and self aware enough to know she has a problem. She behaves in a cold and calculated way, and is completely aware of that behaviour. She chooses to not work on herself as she should. Secondly, if I forgive her, then I would feel sorry for her and would want to reach out and help her! But I understand where you are coming from. In order to move on I need to forgive her. I find it much harder forgiving myself though... .

you are right on the money... .we have to forgive ourselves first. Mine, at least, showed me EXACTY who she was long before I dated her... .DUH! I had to see my folly in thinking that I would not end up in the same place as her former lovers... .Then I HAD to forgive me... .

I will most likely never be able to forgive my ex. It is because of the joy I witnessed is her eyes when she was being emotionally cruel to me. That's pure evil!  

In my book she still has free choice... .Just like me... mentally ill or not.

What I have gotten to, partially from coming here and reading what all of you have to say, is acceptance. I don't hold solid on that... .but on a good day I can accept that she is a mentally ill person.  ... .so I accept her for who she really is, and the choices that she repeatedly makes, not who I thought she was, not who she said/says she was/is (all of her words are completely meaningless),.

... .and even if I ever got to a place of forgiveness... I would never interact with her again in any manner more than I would jump out in front of a speeding Mack truck. I will not be a fool again. This person shows no remorse or atonement. Do I hold my hand over the flame on my stove? No.

Forgiveness does not HAVE to include any contact. My T sorted that out for me.  So... be very careful with tripping up in that.

[apollotech]

This is what went on with me in order to reach a place where I could at least gain some control over myself... .emotions not continuously frayed, thoughts not continuously of her, etc. Like everyone here, I was consumed with my BPDSO and what had transpired between us.

Seeing the real her, not my idealized version of her and not the her that she displayed in the beginning of the relationship. The her that had no problem with dishonesty, infidelity, selfishness, ignoring me (marginalizing me), raging at me, blaming me, etc.

Accepting her for who she is. She is a person with a mental illness. She does not see nor understand reality as I do. Her emotional state is not as mine is. My BPDexgf knows/knew that she has a problem, "issues" as she calls them. She is enabled enough in her life to not have to deal with her "issues." I had to accept that those are her issues---I did not cause them, and I cannot fix them. This is not an acceptance of their actions/behaviors whether intentional or not. It is an acceptance of this is who they are and said destructive actions/behaviors will continue. Acceptance freed me from obligation, guilt, and responsibility regarding her. We never had a chance; the relationship never had a chance. The bus was going over the cliff no matter what actions I took or changes that I made.

I forgave her. That forgiveness placed her and her transgressions against me behind me. She, nor her transgressions, no longer have power or authority in my life. Forgiveness empowers the forgiver while relieving the transgressor of guilt and shame. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but rather about knowing. (Forgiveness does not mean that you go and stand in the fire again.)

Those are the processes that I went through to arrive at where I am now. Am I healed and whole, NO. But I am at least in a position to evaluate what happened, see my liability in the failed relationship, learn from my mistakes, and move forward.

[ripps]

Hi All.  I thought I'd answer MrBlue's question, while at the same time agreeing with you all - and also writing this for my own healing, so sorry for length, but hope it's informative for some.  MrBlue asked: did she just make one comment about wanting money?   And is she that emotionally empty to throw away a good relationship because I just don't have the one attribute?

MrBlue, I am new here, just one week out of my relationship that I now know was with someone with BPD.  However, I have spent this week (didn't even work) diving into this disorder and what they do and learning from everyone on this site.  As such, I am very close to at peace with everything and today was the first day I actually went out, had fun, was able to sit still and read my book at Starbucks etc...  I'm feeling much better.  Before I answer your main question let me answer the first one:  yes, she made more than one comment to me about missing her country club lifestyle, but always did it an a roundabout way to ensure I sort of / kind of knew it was ok "at this time" I couldn't provide for her (I just got divorced and lost a job, so my income was way below what it should be and still is, it's going to take a while).  At the beginning it was all "ok, you'll get back" ... .that disappeared as the year went on.  I even said to her given her divorce (she was a stay at home mom) and  having to work herself now it was kind of romantic we were both starting over together (she never replied to that, just sort of half smiled - evil!  I was blind).  To answer, let me give you a little background, but again ... .I am new, so anybody else can correct me.

Looking back now, there were so many signs.  However, my exBPDgf is extremely sweet looking and comes across as soo nice.  She is also sexy, you could say she's like Marissa Tomei: she is that perfect combination of sexy and cute.  She is the nice, sweet innocent girl in town ... .her image is everything to her and she commented on this to me all the time (flag anyone).  We were together for 1.3 years.  I am an extremely caring, loving, good looking (she loved how her friends all said to her "you got a hottie" when they met me), "partnership" type person and I was 100% devoted / there for her by helping her with her abusive exNPDh and troubled teen daughter (her kids were her life).  I put my heart and sole into those issues, a month ago I got the darn teen into a therapeutic boarding school and through advising her lawyers cornered the abusive ex so he couldn't abuse my exBPDgf anymore.  She knew up front (a year ago) that I knew about NPD from my father and had a sister that committed suicide from my NPD father's alienation - she asked a thousand questions during our first month of dating, and I am confident me telling her this made her salivate.

As the year went on, it became very clear my needs didn't matter, it was all about her.  But being the giver I am, I let it all slide except for three things:  If I leave early in the morning from her place to start work early, or get some extra sleep at home, stop guilting me / getting distant ... .my gosh I did it on all nights except weekends anyway, so accept it.  If you have plans with friends or your daughter and they fall through do not expect me to jump up and come over at a moments notice, I am not "on call" boyfriend.  If I decide to stay home rather than come to your house for any reason do not guilt trip me and give me the silent treatment for days ... .get over it.  Looking at all those together ... .abandonment issues anyone?  Those were my needs.  :)id she always say the words "that's fine", yes.  :)id she ever act like they were fine, NO.  It was groundhog day each time one of those things happened.

Throughout the year, I saw more and more during one of the above issues, a discussion about our relationship, or a disagreement:  that she would first retreat into herself (like deep, spacey thought ... .I didn't know who she was and would say so) and then away from me afterwards and I would have to make chase to "get her / our relationship back to equilibrium" were my words.  It seemed like she was trying so so hard to not burst.  It would take her days to come out of these episodes, mostly by me showering her with affections (texts, calls, "I Love You's).  Grow's recent post mentions this ... .they are completely aware of their behavior.  Now that the fog has lifted I believe this to be accurate.  She knew she had to hold-in whatever she was feeling or she would lose me, I would see she's disordered.  I witnessed it!  She knew!  I saw her straining.

My devalue started a month ago and I believe was a convergence of a lot of things.  One ... .her daughter went away and her exNPDh quieted down - there was no drama on that front / I wasn't needed.  Two, in her negotiations with her exNPDh to get their daughter to boarding school she gave up a lot of money AND took a hit in alimony ... .and she had to start working at a cake shop in town - this SHE HATED, her image of the country club wife was shattered.  Three, because of these stressors her mask came off more than a few times with me and she was ashamed ... .as per above, she could not hold it in anymore ... .I saw it, and was shocked ... .also, not only did her mask come off (the sweet innocent Marisa Tomei was now screeming at me which had never happened) but her push / pull games with emails / texts / call increased (they had always been there, but got much worse and my frantic attempts at a lot of text / emails / I Love You's stopped working to bring her back).  At the end, I could live with "ok, you were upset a few times, I saw a side of you I had never seen, you're under a lot of stress", but the daily games of having to text her to make her feel good and if I didn't getting punished was when I drew the line ... .I was tired (and she had projected these games onto me now, so I WAS WORRIED if she didn't text me back - I'm 47 years old! - she's 50 BTW ... oh and funny note:  at end she said she wanted it over because I'm all drama and she wants peace ... .projection!).  So, I gave her an ultimatum of taking a break or break up.  I now know that in her black and white thinking she only saw black in these options ... .it was too grey for her. When I gave her those options she balled her eyes out, moaning like a child.  When I came back two nights later to discuss those options she had split me 100% black - told me it was over / had all my stuff packed / was cold as ice.  I should also note something interesting:  during our entire relationship she was jealous as anything for absolutely no reason - she was really childish this way ... .during the last month things would come up about the women she used to ALWAYS be jealous of and she didn't care ... .so, I was being devalued, no question.

So, answering your question MrBlue.  In my view subconsciously and consciously (this bit I'm not quite clear on yet) she knew she was using me.  Consciously she had to have her immediate needs taken care of (comfort, niceness, attractive, advice etc... ) at the expense of me having money, but with a hope I would get the money back.  Subconsciously when she found herself working at a cake shop, no exNPDh to fight with / me to help with, and her daughter gone (again, kids were her life), her true self came out ... .and I saw it and she devalued me.  It was a combo hit, and whether conscious or subconscious I don't care ... .I know she can only hold this sweet, innocent, sexy person together with little stress ... .money means less stress and she wants that now.

Finally, Apollo and Infrared you're both right.  I'm in AA and we have a saying in terms of getting peace with how people treat you:  Accept and Forgive.  I accept she is "not all there" (that give's me peace, pwBPD would hate those words but too bad) and forgive her due to that, but stay the xxxx away from me!

[Dutched]

Ripps, I understand your deep, deep pain and really feel sorry for you!  Been there too

I don’t want to invalidate or hurt you more, really I don’t!

Please read what others wrote on this Board, please, there are so many good advices and questions that you must read and answer for yourself with a open mind. At this stage it is hard, I know, try it anyway.

You wrote

And is she that emotionally empty to throw away a good relationship because I just don't have the one attribute?

May I answer from another perspective, and again NO not to hurt you!

No, she doesn’t throw away a good relationship   

=> that are your thoughts

THE rock to rely on was there during her rollercoaster

=> you helped AND you bonded intensely as you were fighting for her goal, better, against a mutual ‘enemy’.  Her grieve, sorrow, pain and her enemy was so intensely understood by you (No! Not your fault! That’s how she experienced all, and REALLY loved you for!). Basically however she was soothed in her needs, sorry but that’s how I perceive your story.

And now for her... .

no enemy and no rock…, just her empty self, which she didn’t experienced before…?

Most likely our fellow members can predict her next move, don't we?  

I also have a very positive remark!  I really, really must say chapeau (take my hat off) that you, within such a short time, are already able to recognize and mention the red flags during that r/s!

[ripps]

Thanks dutched.  No harm or hurt at all.  As I said, I'm still learning and comments welcome.

Some clarity would help me.

- I agree, I was her rock against an enemy and we bonded incredibly over that, it was a mainstay in our relationship. And I know that that soothed her (being a mother to her daughter also soothed her and she is now in boarding school away) ... .those troubles and my help soothed her. So, are you saying when that  all went away I was no longer needed?  Seems like you're implying something else.  Great if you can clarify.

- no enemy no rock. But won't she find another rock?   I'm sure she's with someone now, but I KNOW he will not provide the help I did. No way.

- what next move?  When exNPDh acts up again she's back to me?  I thought that might be case. But would love clarity.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks dutched.  No harm or hurt at all.  As I said, I'm still learning and comments welcome.

Some clarity would help me.

- I agree, I was her rock against an enemy and we bonded incredibly over that, it was a mainstay in our relationship. And I know that that soothed her (being a mother to her daughter also soothed her and she is now in boarding school away) ... .those troubles and my help soothed her. So, are you saying when that  all went away I was no longer needed?  Seems like you're implying something else.  Great if you can clarify.

- no enemy no rock. But won't she find another rock?   I'm sure she's with someone now, but I KNOW he will not provide the help I did. No way.

- what next move?  When exNPDh acts up again she's back to me?  I thought that might be case. But would love clarity.

We have a very similar story.

My uNPDexgf used me as a rock when she broke up with her NPDbf. He was finally out of the picture and he was moving on, guess what came next? Yep, she indirectly got in contact with him through his sister (so she says) she may have contacted him directly (even after getting a harrassment order against him!), and she found out he was getting married. When she was telling me (after we ended things) she sounded so happy to be able to say that he is no longer getting married to a girl he was cheating with whilst with her (so much for her being past him and not caring!)

Cut a long story short, do you really want a woman who only see's you as a 'rock' against her ex? We're both worth much more than that! And I say this more for myself, don't expect a call etc from her. She is not worth waiting around for!

[ripps]

Thanks Grow. No I don't want her back. Good bloody bye. But dutches note is like a riddle to me ... .No enemy no rock so not able to soothe ... .So never experienced "us" like that and freaked?  What next move ... .Find anyone?  Try to contact me when same drama comes back?