It's All So Simple

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks Grow. No I don't want her back. Good bloody bye. But dutches note is like a riddle to me ... .No enemy no rock so not able to soothe ... .So never experienced "us" like that and freaked?  What next move ... .Find anyone?  Try to contact me when same drama comes back?

You were an ally against her enemy. He is no longer an enemy. She therefore does not need an ally.

Never experienced us like that? You mean did she have a different kind of relationship with him? Yes she did. Most probably a deeper yet more complex/messed up relationship. Did my ex have such a relationship with her ex? Of course she did. Do I feel jealousy at times? Of course I do. But I only must feel like that because on some level I feel like she values him more than me (and it hurts to think that as I know I am worth MUCH more than him!). But, ultimately by thinking like that I must still value her opinion and want validation. So I can only guess my self esteem has taken a knock and I still have childhood truama to deal with, and/or quite simply, thought so much of her that her opinion/valuation of me still bothers me.

Why do you care about her next move?

Do you want her to contact you?

[ripps]

Thanks. Yes, I got the "she dosnt need me anymore" but since I had said that in my original note figured Dutch was saying something different. And she basically said that to me when I mentioned she had changed since things quieted down ... .she said "yes, I want peace and joy and you're always mad at me"  ... .give me a break, you're creating it!  You want drama, can't live without it, your inner self is all fear and pain.

"Not experienced us like that" I was referring to just "us". Ie, no more enemy to battle so who are we?  But your point is right on too ... .Her relationship with her exNPDh was all messed up but I'm sure she loved that.

Yes, I do want her to contact me so I can ignore. Being honest. But I really am just very curious that Dutch said you would all know her next move. I don't being new, so what did Dutch mean?

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks. Yes, I got the "she dosnt need me anymore" but since I had said that in my original note figured Dutch was saying something different. And she basically said that to me when I mentioned she had changed since things quieted down ... .she said "yes, I want peace and joy and you're always mad at me"  ... .give me a break, you're creating it!  You want drama, can't live without it, your inner self is all fear and pain.

"Not experienced us like that" I was referring to just "us". Ie, no more enemy to battle so who are we?  But your point is right on too ... .Her relationship with her exNPDh was all messed up but I'm sure she loved that.

Yes, I do want her to contact me so I can ignore. Being honest. But I really am just very curious that Dutch said you would all know her next move. I don't being new, so what did Dutch mean?

I don't know her next move... .

Don't even anticipate a next move. Just focus on healing yourself.

[Dutched]

Some time zone differences as I live in the EU, therefore my late reply.

Based on what you described your gf was still emotionally attached to her ex (despite any fact how that r/s ended, as it wasn’t over yet due to the procedures and her daughter), and you came at the right moment. She wanted to move on, no rollercoaster, no drama’s, specially having a easy going r/s in which she could her needs met. There was you in a positive, understanding and sincere way! Part of her dream came to live, but… that nasty ex was still somewhere around.

 

Living (part of) her dream is most important, the fairytale must be perfect (a 5 yr old?). However she lacks of self awareness (reciprocating love, give and take). So at the moment you set your 3 mentioned boundaries (which is absolutely normal for both partners in a r/s), she devaluated you already in a sense (you didn’t comply). However you couldn’t notice it, but it was stored… in her mind.

Now the r/s evolves into a closer bond, but also in complexity (for her) as there is drama (her ex) which you try to handle (you, being the brains). By doing so (still in all honesty) you explain a strategy, what to do, what to look for, what the losses can be, etc. So… drama in a sense… you become difficult and complex. Which reminds her of her ex…  

You are ‘rewarded’ too, with her love growing (as you perceive it). And indeed, every part, every ‘task’ completed is rewarded. What a relieve.

The role (you played in her mind) was one of that ‘mr wise guy’ (complex, drama, cant’t coop with that => reminds her of her ex…)

In fact (keep that 5 yr. old in mind) switching roles from the protective parent, into the loving parent and the punitive/better knowing parent.

The fact of these roles alone creates and reminds her of drama and complexity (ex again). But… now that all is settled, what parent is left, which one does she needs?

None of them… she ‘finally’ wants to live her dream…. Now the next move can be predicted.

You mentioned the contact with a guy, despite your r/s (which she dumped because of your boundary => she had to respect your values and ethics  – the values, maybe even hobbies, of the next guy will be copied then… to bond like a chameleon.  :)on't be surpised when you find out one day, been there- ).

My prediction was that the dumped guy will show up. There was no drama, no complexity with that guy, she just was having fun… that it what she reminds now (the best ever happened to me… again).

He, or another, being a rock? No need, in her mind for now…

Depending of her history (going back to exes when she needs help) you might be handy... .so one day.

Was she a 'people cutter' than your very most likel safe, as there shame and 'proudness' prevail.

And despite my harshness, we all sincerely feel and even are convinced that the ex really dumped the best ever happened to them.

I think we are right, special as we encounter ‘collateral damage’ (kids, financially, etc), more when we see our replacements (however I can’t be replaced as I am unique!), mostly a total downgrade. Special as we meet them yrs. later and see the empty and death eyes and expressionless face behind the mask.

As GrowTroughIt says, please focus on yourself ripps!  

[ripps]

Wow Dutch. That helped me soo much. You are smart!  Makes so much sense. Unfortunately she is not a people cutter ... .she even contacted a guy who dumped her in college just a few years ago she told me (she's 50!) to find out why he dumped her. But she dumped me so maybe that's different. Who knows.

I just posted about an encounter I had today with her exNPDh while I was with another women. Should be interesting, these two are children.

[Dutched]

Gladly done ripps!

So, her not being a people cutter… then guard ‘your border’… as I once said to exw,

'You crossed my border line…, now the crossing is heavily guarded and only I hold the key'.

[MrBlueEyes]

ripped thank you for the reply, I find these stories of how easily they can leave a fascinating tragedy.

And I do not wish to hijack your thread but I want to comment on dutcheds comments on how they pertained to me.



dutched I think in a way you answered my question if thier needs cause their desire.


So in my exes case she completely lacked affection from her man. And he had a no contact order so they could not physically be together. Those were her enemies?

The second time we were together it was the same.

The third time the same again but also she pursued me at the beginning of summer and her income drops 1800 dollars a month during the summer as there is no school. She actually left me literally 9 days before receiving her fall grant/scholarship/loan money for fall quarter.

What amazes me is how intense her desire was though. Some of her closest trusted friends told me how she would tell them how amazing she felt when she was with me. How she would talk on and on about me. And how they had never seen her so happy. One of her friends for years and years told me in all of the time she had known her she had never seen her that happy. Her father told me that if he could change her mind he would and that among all the men that she had dated I was the only one that had ever done anything for her. He liked me enough that he would ask her about me and why I hadn't been around and remind her I was a nice guy etc.


I believe her man is NPD so someone like me with codependent traits is needed from time to time, but they do have this wierd bond.

I have known her with him to go days without showering or changing clothes. She will stay after work and gamble. She drinks more. Etc. Avoids actually being with him, but still stays with him.

With me she would drink as I do, but no go out drinking by herself. However, gambling was way way less. And she always showered and took care of herself. Everyone that speaks to me about the subject from the outside looking in is baffled at why she went back to him.

I hear the same things, he is short, overweight, stupid, goes through 3 to 4 jobs a year and when he works makes about 10.50 an hour, and has no ambition to do anything else with is life. And the real kicker is she says the same things about him.

[Loosestrife]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think there are probably thousands of us sitting in Starbucks all over, trying to unpick similar nightmare experiences and mend broken hearts. What are you going to learn from this? Because when you are ready, there will be a loVely  normal woman out there who will treat you well and you will look back at this with relief