Now going into unknown territory with NC

[DestroyedKnight]

Ok So I am now coming up to month 6 since my ex girl split from me and completely split me black,saying some really evil and nasty things about me and playing very evil mind games to the point of where I felt like taking my own life.

I have already posted what exactly happened in my introduction however I am now at the stage where I feel ready to move on with my life and I am having some very good days where I hardly think about her at all now although there she is still in the back of my mind,trying to analyze every little thing she does.

I was wondering if anybody could shed any light on this for me.One minute she will contact me asking me a completely trivial question just looking for some sort of response from me and then other times I will get the "f**k off" or "go away". So my last contact with her was a couple of night ago when she sent me a photo on whatsapp of her new broadband contract asking me if it was good or not? I was sitting there thinking hang on last time you message me your words were "go away" in which I did,I did not contact her again.So I gave her a short reply and left it at that.

So this morning I notice she has changed all her settings on whatsapp so I can no longer see her profile photo and if she is online, and now tonight as I am typing this she has removed her facebook profile,although she removed it for 5 minutes and then put it back up again and now it has gone again .

So my question is this and before anybody says stop looking at her fb or whatsapp,YES I KNOW! I can't help it haha.What is she trying to achieve by doing this? is this yet more game playing looking for some sort of reaction from me? or is it because she has finally found her latest victim to no longer needs to use facebook as her way to get to me like she did in the past 5 months or so?

Any replies would be greatly appreciated

[Reecer1588]

You already know the answer to your question. Of course it is mind games. You have one of 2 options:

1. Really try your hardest to not look at her stuff (I still look at my exgfs pinterest, I will probably write a thread about that)

2. Lay down the law next time she contacts you. Tell her a validating statement like "Your emotions are real, I know that they are important to you, but remember, I'm a person too, and changing your whatsapp profile pic or deleting your facebook after you make contact with me really hurts me on the inside"

I'm not very knowledgeable on the whole validating emotions thing. But if you really want to talk to her, I guess it's worth a shot.

What's best for you? Well we both know the answer to that: Radio Silence.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Each BPD is uniquely crazy.  Now keeping in mind that they are nuts, this sort of erratic behavior is the baseline.  I'm not sure a borderline mind knows what it is doing all the time.  The whole disordered dance is that of a deeply damaged psyche trying to find peace.  In one moment part of that borderline mind might sincerely want your opinion.  Then in the process of this that same mind might feel that it hates you because your socks were turned inside out in the laundry(true story).  As someone's quote here reads, "you can't make sense of the senseless."  We are mostly rational people trying to make sense of emotional chaos.  I find it is usually easier to just accept that the behavior is what comes from a person that clumsily walks the line between sanity, psychosis and neurosis.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not sure a borderline mind knows what it is doing all the time.  The whole disordered dance is that of a deeply damaged psyche trying to find peace.

This is one of the best summations I've ever read.

DestroyedKnight, I know it's confusing and painful.   You will drive yourself crazy trying to "solve the mystery" of a disordered person. Like ReluctantSurvivor said, the borderline is a mystery even unto themselves.

[OnceConfused]

I think she still tries to show you that she has control over you. My xbgdgf did just that. While she was with me, she kept contact with the her previous guys (plural). I guess it was a way BPD uses to elevate their own ego. She called them for advices on issues. It was weird but by now you and I should know that everything is possible with BPD. It would take a PhD thesis to analyze what and why they do things.

My advice to you is to NOT ANSWER her calls or text or email. Just let bygone be bygone and you will be at peace.

[DestroyedKnight]

Thanks for your input everyone. First thing I will do is hold my hands up and acknowledge that I should have given up looking at her facebook and her whatsapp a long long time ago because trying to analyze every single thing she has done or said has indeed driven my absolutely banana's .

I really do believe that as someone pointed out,that the BPD mind does not have clue half the time what they are doing,I have quizzed my ex on various things she has said about me in her smear campaign and she looked at me like I was talking nonsense to the point of me wondering if it was me who was the crazy one and just imagining it .

I suppose the analyzing on my part has become an obsession and if I am honest an unhealthy one at that.I will see things she posts as signs that she still loves me or cares about me but then I will think to myself,an emotionally mature human being would not post quotes or love songs or status's on facebook to try and get someone elses attention.I personally would knock on their front door or failing that write them a letter or an email telling them I still loved them.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for your input everyone. First thing I will do is hold my hands up and acknowledge that I should have given up looking at her facebook and her whatsapp a long long time ago because trying to analyze every single thing she has done or said has indeed driven my absolutely banana's .

I really do believe that as someone pointed out,that the BPD mind does not have clue half the time what they are doing,I have quizzed my ex on various things she has said about me in her smear campaign and she looked at me like I was talking nonsense to the point of me wondering if it was me who was the crazy one and just imagining it .

I suppose the analyzing on my part has become an obsession and if I am honest an unhealthy one at that.I will see things she posts as signs that she still loves me or cares about me but then I will think to myself,an emotionally mature human being would not post quotes or love songs or status's on facebook to try and get someone elses attention.I personally would knock on their front door or failing that write them a letter or an email telling them I still loved them.

YES.

She is not going to change.  She is not going to come knocking on your front door to tell you she loves you. You will not be riding off into the sunset together. I know you know this.  And this dysfunctional dance will endure for YEARS if you allow it - or if she gets tired of you and disappears.

She has become an addiction to you. The only way to break an addiction is to change your behavior, not your thoughts.  Your brain will still want the fix. Your behavior, your actions, will break the addiction.  

That's one of the reasons why n/c is so highly recommended.  It's an action that helps to break addictive or obsessive patterns of behavior.

[DestroyedKnight]

YES.

She is not going to change.  She is not going to come knocking on your front door to tell you she loves you. You will not be riding off into the sunset together. I know you know this.  And this dysfunctional dance will endure for YEARS if you allow it - or if she gets tired of you and disappears.

She has become an addiction to you. The only way to break an addiction is to change your behavior, not your thoughts.  Your brain will still want the fix. Your behavior, your actions, will break the addiction.  

That's one of the reasons why n/c is so highly recommended.  It's an action that helps to break addictive or obsessive patterns of behavior.[/quote]
I know you are trying to give me a kick up the arse that I need and I really do appreciate that.So many times I have realized that this whole 9 years has just been a complete and utter lie and if she can leave me at the drop of a hat like she did and treat me with complete and utter contempt then surely I should not love this woman but in all honesty I do love her and that is why I am finding it so difficult to stop analyzing her every last move.

I mean it is like she has completely forgotten what she has put me through and talks to me sometimes like we are best of friends and then even today she is phoning me up asking me to pick things up from the shops for her.Yeah I feel like saying no and setting boundaries with her but at the same time I just want to keep the peace for the sake of my children.

She probably won't ever knock on my door declaring her undying love for me but would I be a fool for thinking that she does love me? and does infact regret her choices?. Why else would she be joining groups on facebook called ':)on't Give Up On Someone That U Can't Go A Day Without Thinking About Them'?

[jhkbuzz]

YES.

She is not going to change.  She is not going to come knocking on your front door to tell you she loves you. You will not be riding off into the sunset together. I know you know this.  And this dysfunctional dance will endure for YEARS if you allow it - or if she gets tired of you and disappears.

She has become an addiction to you. The only way to break an addiction is to change your behavior, not your thoughts.  Your brain will still want the fix. Your behavior, your actions, will break the addiction.  

That's one of the reasons why n/c is so highly recommended.  It's an action that helps to break addictive or obsessive patterns of behavior.

I know you are trying to give me a kick up the arse that I need and I really do appreciate that.So many times I have realized that this whole 9 years has just been a complete and utter lie and if she can leave me at the drop of a hat like she did and treat me with complete and utter contempt then surely I should not love this woman but in all honesty I do love her and that is why I am finding it so difficult to stop analyzing her every last move.

I mean it is like she has completely forgotten what she has put me through and talks to me sometimes like we are best of friends and then even today she is phoning me up asking me to pick things up from the shops for her.Yeah I feel like saying no and setting boundaries with her but at the same time I just want to keep the peace for the sake of my children.

She probably won't ever knock on my door declaring her undying love for me but would I be a fool for thinking that she does love me? and does infact regret her choices?. Why else would she be joining groups on facebook called ':)on't Give Up On Someone That U Can't Go A Day Without Thinking About Them'?

She may love you but she is DISORDERED. This is HOW she loves you - with all the chaos and dysfunction that is within her.  My ex loved me - I know she did.  Probably still does.  But that doesn't mean that she would not be an endless source of pain and dysfunction if I allowed her back into my life.

From a wise poster - semi-legendary in status on these boards - named 2010, who was describing what "healing" would look like once you exit a BPD r/s:

"You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself."

Ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

This is the real truth:  it is much easier to spend your time analyzing her every move than it is for you to look inward to try to untangle why you feel so worthless that you would allow someone to abuse you ongoingly.

But looking inward, my friend, is where your healing and peace lie.

Your call.