No contact and what to tell the child

[littlebirdcline]

So, I find myself in another period of NC- over three weeks now- and no end in sight.  My son's 6th birthday party is coming, and he is going to expect my BPDm and father to be there.  They have never missed one, and in fact, have done a lot of the work.  Unless something majorly dramatic and shocking happens, they will not be in attendance this time.  What the hell do I tell my son?  I know he will ask.  At this point, I have spent the last ten months keeping all the strife from him.  He loves my BPDm and adores my father, how do I explain why they are not going to be around?

[Turkish]

So, I find myself in another period of NC- over three weeks now- and no end in sight.  My son's 6th birthday party is coming, and he is going to expect my BPDm and father to be there.  They have never missed one, and in fact, have done a lot of the work.  Unless something majorly dramatic and shocking happens, they will not be in attendance this time.  What the hell do I tell my son?  I know he will ask.  At this point, I have spent the last ten months keeping all the strife from him.  He loves my BPDm and adores my father, how do I explain why they are not going to be around?

What do you think is best for your son while protecting yourself? Do you think there will be an incident? Has your mom escalated things since she physically threatened you to cause you to dis-invite your parents?

[HappyChappy]

You sound like a caring mother, so I imagine your son feels loved and safe. The party issue is a detail. But if you’re stressed or anxious because of the BPD thing, how would that effect your son ? I’m NC and my kids are fine with it (took a month or so).  They much prefer their non BPD relatives, so it’s just the presents they miss. So we buy them cards and present on their BPD behalf. It’s the primary care giver (you) that matters the most to a child. So I’m guessing your son would prefer you relaxed and happy at their party. 

[littlebirdcline]

Well, unless my mother decides she wants to speak to me and accept my boundaries, I don't imagine she will want to come, and I don't think my father will come without her.  I denied her request to Skype with my son because I was afraid she would make a comment about the party to him.  She hasn't spoken to me since. 

I guess my real debate is whether I tell him that we are not speaking, that we have a disagreement, or something.  I can tell him that they couldn't make it, she was sick or something, but if we really aren't going to be able to maintain a relationship, at some point I have to explain it to him.  My mother would like to have a relationship with him and just leave me out, but that's not really possible.  I have let them Skype for months, but if he can't actually see them in person, what is the point?  It seems cruel to keep saying "maybe some day" when he asks to visit them, and continuously dancing around the subject. I know he will have a fun party, and once the giant crowd of 5 year olds shows up, he won't notice.  But I guess the bigger picture is the real problem.