Please help me. I can't deal with the rage anymore

[Shottsy85]

I feel so trapped and frustrated. I flat out told my BPbf that he was being emotionally abusive but he dismissed it and continued his rude childish responses. As I've said in other posts we are going through a move. We are still in the process. I have been feeling frustrated because through this entire process I have felt pretty much alone and he hasn't been a partner at all.

Now after tonight's blowup he has stated that we are both going to just worry about ourselves which seemed triggering and manipulative but at the same time pretty much how it has already been aside from me supporting him. We have been having a lot of fights about finances. We are having some overlap with apartments and it's putting a really bad financial strain except he can't make any more money apparently and he blames me for everything and just expects me to pick up the slack saying I picked a place we can't afford even though it is because of him our original roommate bailed. I. The meantime I have found potential roommates have done all the work myself aside from him carrying some boxes I can't even get him to help me "nest" or arrange furniture like I told him I wanted us to do together.

Anyways the biggest thing that has caused fights recently was we badly needed a tv stand for our new flat screen we bought back in December and weren't going to open until the move. We found the perfect one and my BPbf even haggled it to a decent price but it was still a little more than we were wanting to spend. He asked me if I wanted for us to go in half on it (he now continues to deny ever saying this and his story is I pressured him into it which isn't true at all. He knew he ___ed things up and was on a kick of trying to be nice to me) Anyways he waits to tell me until after the purchase that he now has no money for groceries.

I got upset and said why didn't you tell me that before? I wouldn't have gone along if I knew you were hurting yourself that bad. He tells me that I would have been mad either way and I could say thank you. I said of course thank you but I don't want him to not have food for work and agreed to help a little to make up. Ever since whenever we have to discuss the bills or I get frustrated because I don't have money and we are tight this week he throws it in my face says it was a waste of money gets nasty to me over it.

I finally got so upset tonight I told him to stop or figure out other arrangements that if I am so terrible and he is so upset then maybe he SHOULD get his own apartment and just be a bachelor if he doesn't want to help and be a teammate. (as he was saying he isn't helping with anything and he needs to take care of himself and his job ) then he turns around and puts it on me saying "do what you want" he keeps cycling like this and pulling me in.

Then I attempted to share my feelings And talk when we got home saying that it hurts me when he attacks me and holds the fact that he pitched in for the tv stand against me. So he starts raging and saying how he just wants to come home to a girlfriend that is happy to see him and wants to do things with him and started ranting further. I got defensive and said, but I WAS happy to see you until you started raging at me, so because I cut off his rant he is now giving me the silent treatment even though I tried to apologize and asked him to please finish what he was saying.

Now he is moping about getting ready for bed and refusing to acknowledge me or my questions. I am just getting so sick of this. I do love him but I am starting to dread him coming home noticing myself distancing more and more and just feeling tired. I still love him and am waiting until he supposedly is called for the start of DBT end of March but I don't know if I can make it at this rate.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this in addition to moving and finding that your budget is unexpedly stretched thin.   

Something to consider is that you won't get a good result if you talk to a pwBPD as if they're a normal person. They're just looking for criticism and they're not open to hearing your side of a stressful situation--all they're thinking about is how hurt, how upset, how criticized, how blamed, how judged they are.

I know it's only human nature to want to share your feelings and the sense that you feel abused emotionally, but to translate that to BPD-speak here's what he hears: "Blah, blah, blah, you're bad, blah, blah, it's your fault, blah, blah, blah, you shouldn't have done that, blah, blah, blah, you're no good, blah, blah, blah I can't stand you."

Don't worry, we've all done it before we've gotten better with the lessons.   It's such a normal response to want to be open and real with the person we love, but unfortunately (and due to no fault of our own), they just can't hear our feelings the way a "non" could.

[waverider]

It is hard for you to see but you need to stop negotiating and explaining.

He will always complain that because he did this he can't do that (the martyr stance). Truth is it was his choice let him own it. Don't apologise for something that was not your decision.

Dont try to win debates or arguments, say your realty then disengage. If he is in the mood for a sulk, he is going to sulk, you are not going to stop it, only give him further excuses to blame you.

[Notwendy]

Cat- you got this exactly when you said they are only looking for criticism. My H confronted me the other day, blaming me for something. Then he asked me a question "how long ago was this - it was 6 weeks ago!"

I froze on this one since he can get stuck on facts. If I said 5 weeks he'd be arguing over that. I could have validated him saying " I understand it feels like 6 weeks" or agreed that it was (but it was not) . He looked at me expecting me to answer, so I calmly said " would you like me to look this up for you on my calendar?"

To which he replied even angrier "don't go side railing this discussion with facts!" I recognized that this episode was more about feelings. I didn't respond but sat calmly.

Then the began interrogating me about how I wasn't interested in him. Eventually he got to the part where he thought I was interested in someone else. There isn't (and there hasn't been ) someone else. I've been busier than usual and this is what tends to happen when I am preoccupied. The facts of the argument were not the issue.

I didn't JADE and it didn't escalate so I'm happy about that.


The facts of the argument - who paid for the TV , the food , may not be the underlying issue in the moment. It's not easy to resist explaining when you are being accused. However - every room mate arrangement - romantic or not -needs to include agreements over who pays what. These are best discussed when you are both calmer- if he is willing to do that.

[Shottsy85]

Thank you that all makes a lot of sense. What you said about getting stuck on facts wow my BPbf does this all the time! Then if I disagree he will start an argument over that even if his facts are completely wrong. He will also corner me sometimes into accepting unfair abusive boundaries. For instance yesterday he also knew we had some errands to run when he got home from work. He didn't want to go anywhere so he started an argument about how he never gets any free time I told him things will calm down once we get through this move. Then I proceeded to suggest what we do first also asking him when and where he would like to go to dinner with a potential roommate we were meeting. Somehow this calm conversation escalated (I really don't remember how) and he told me if I don't stop b___ing I can go myself. I confronted him and and said that it seemed like he was starting an argument and giving ultimatums because he wanted to stay home, to which he scoffed and got all pissy as if I were crazy and really was being so horrible to him. We went to dinner met the roomate and my BFbf was charming funny and nice to me and even made fun of how ridiculous he was earlier. Then the huge blowup happened on the way home that I mentioned above. I'm just not sure why he keeps flipping so badly I feel shell shocked.

[waverider]

Shotty, do you think having a room mate is actually going to work if you two are constantly having these dramas? I can only see it as making things worse.