Rental valuation and other stuff

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The marital home , which I am in , was appraised quite sometime ago during seperation.  I pay the mortgage.   H and this L , said it is a higher price.  Many tries at settlement , I agreed to their higher price.  Now they say it's higher, they are having it appraised. Not only getting a value on the house but also a rental value. My L said that should be a wash .  I did not ask him to explain it as he can talk $$.

My question is , beside upping the value of the house with their appraisal,  what is the motive for rental value ?

Other stuff, I'm second guessing my self on the hearing a couple months ago. H wanted a lot more than what the hearing was about. Might have been better off to just let him take it.  I feel ashamed at my ignorance.   It's costing more now to defend it.  It has triggered h to add to this mix... .custody and then , L 's telling me doesnt matter what I say (about h's behavior / documentation, if kids want more time with h , they get it, because they are teens.  All they have to do is tell the GAL ,who they know is biased ... .(not towards me)

Prior to that last hearing , no one mentioned custody!

 I have cried which I havent done in some time . Last year when I was thinking this was almost done , I was so much stronger.  Today I am emotionally drained.  My mind is numb.   H has done to me what he has done in marriage. Relentless power till I was so weak , I just gave in to his demands.  

A trial date is set, (no custody at this time), whatever is the outcome , it is.

[whirlpoollife]

The marital home , which I am in , was appraised quite sometime ago during seperation.  I pay the mortgage.   H and this L , said it is a higher price.  Many tries at settlement , I agreed to their higher price.  Now they say it's higher, they are having it appraised. Not only getting a value on the house but also a rental value. My L said that should be a wash .  I did not ask him to explain it as he can talk $$.

My question is , beside upping the value of the house with their appraisal,  what is the motive for rental value ?

Other stuff, I'm second guessing my self on the hearing a couple months ago. H wanted a lot more than what the hearing was about. Might have been better off to just let him take it.  I feel ashamed at my ignorance.   It's costing more now to defend it.  It has triggered h to add to this mix... .custody and then , L 's telling me doesnt matter what I say (about h's behavior / documentation, if kids want more time with h , they get it, because they are teens.  All they have to do is tell the GAL ,who they know is biased ... .(not towards me)

Prior to that last hearing , no one mentioned custody!

 I have cried which I havent done in some time . Last year when I was thinking this was almost done , I was so much stronger.  Today I am emotionally drained.  My mind is numb.   H has done to me what he has done in marriage. Relentless power till I was so weak , I just gave in to his demands.  

A trial date is set, (no custody at this time), whatever is the outcome , it is.

[livednlearned]

whirlpoollife,

I was thinking about you last night, then saw your post this morning. It's hard to tell what's going on from out here on the Internet, but some of what you have been through in the legal part of this comes down to a very ineffective lawyer, if not incompetent. They often have no bedside manner, and don't explain how things work. So we, who are totally new to this, don't even know what questions to ask. Also, it's possible your L has some N traits -- I remember reading in a book about PDs that law is an area with high concentrations of N. Even if you are on the periphery of their narcissism, you would feel it because they won't take the time to imagine what things are like for you, what you know/don't know about the process. They can't empathize, and only see things in terms of inferior/superior. I'm not sure if that's going on for your L or not, but just want to say that because he may have a shortcoming that is on him, and your shame about feeling ignorance is not something to carry on your shoulders alone. I started off so ignorant, and almost let my L go after the retainer because I felt so in the dark, and my T told me to have a heart-to-heart with her, and I did. She told me she doesn't do a lot of hand-holding because it costs clients more, and I said I needed it, and would be the one to decide if things were too expensive. I needed to know what was going on so I could manage my anxiety, and back then in the height of it, that was equally as important as managing the expense.

About the rental value -- your H might be thinking he can't afford the mortgage, but can get someone in to rent it. An argument to try and keep the house? Otherwise, how else will he afford the mortgage with no job?

On a separate note. You have already "won" whatever this contest is that all of us get drawn into. You are free. You come home to your space, to your single self. That can sometimes be hard to hold onto because your H continues to blow up your phone, and this legal stuff is hanging over your head.

Everything else is a variation on that. We may not get the best arrangement for the kids. We may not get the best settlement. There is no winning in this -- it's always a losing feeling. I lost the house, and then had to pay thousands of dollars to officially get him to take it. Which he wanted. Still burns me a little, but then I look around at the place I'm renting, and it's peaceful, just me here with my son. I won.

Your kids. That is a tough one. Your H was able to parentify/adultify or whatever it is that he did to create loyalty binds. Even if they choose to live with him right now, that doesn't mean they reject you. It doesn't mean that you lose. The only way you can lose is if you let this guy make you feel less than. Your kids -- even if they don't know it and can't articulate it -- want to see a strong, confident mom who holds her head up, and who feels good about herself.

That's how you win. 

[whirlpoollife]

Lnl, thanks for thinking caring of me.

Foreverdad also mentioned narcissism of my L. I thought of x2bh, mostly his grandiose of it, ie... ." I'm smarter than you" , blamed, not my fault ... .( and lack of empathy with I had grown so used to)

So at first I thought no , but the lack of empathy yes .   

I talked to my accountant today, who knows what going on with divorce , as he has been contacted for various matters, and it was like talking to non who understood what h is in a short matter.of time.

Not just listening and validating but knowing .

This can turn into self inventory ... .in marriage I had  the hope all the time.  Many opportunities to end it.  But I didn't till there was nothing left to hope for. What did I do these past few years with current L... .same thing. Ok, if I give him this document he needs then we can proceed ... .hope, wait, almost, repeat.   Now the only way out from both h and L... .is a trial.

The other appraiser came. Took a lot of pictures . He told me h told him he installed the hot water tank. No... .I said someone else installed it , he did not. ( I did not say this , but I have the canceled check for it and where that money came from for it too) who knows what else h said. 

Then I get a call from L . First he said , he knows their appraisal is going to come in high.  That's the way it works.  SOL.

But... .then he said he was to ask me for a continuence... .for both asset trial and support hearing , this asked from h's L , on account h does not have any of the documents he has been asking for to prepare for this trial.  And could they combine the two.  My L said something that he probably shouldn't of told me... .he said h's L is getting fed up with h.

I said no to the request for the continuances and no to combining the two.

[whirlpoollife]

The other appraiser came. Took a lot of pictures . He told me h told him he installed the hot water tank. No... .I said someone else installed it , he did not. ( I did not say this , but I have the canceled check for it and where that money came from for it too) who knows what else h said. 

Another mistake I made, when their  appraiser said that h installed the tank, I should of just said... ." Oh did he?"

Goes back to , can you tell me the time?

Yes it's 2:30.

No... can you tell me the time?

Yes.