My name is downandin, and I am an enabler.

[downandin]

I posted in the 'enablers' thread, because I found it so enlightening.  Since I have so much more I want to talk about, though, I am starting my own thread here.  I hadn't posted in over a year (normally on 'Staying' board) when I can here seeking answers about problems my 18 year old stepson is having.  He has severe OCD and I am really worried about him.  His mother (uBPD) thinks I am very much to blame because his symptoms revolve around moral and religious thoughts, and I am not a religious person.  I do know and accept that I do bear part of the blame, but now, after reading here, I am pretty much convinced that my 'enabling' as well as 'emotional incest' activities are the real blame I bare.

This could really be a severe problem if I stop 'enabling' on the religious issue.  She wants me to be something I am not, but if I refuse, all hell is going to break lose, I promise you that.  This is the way it always is.  I know what will happen if I don't do what she wants.  I weigh the consequences, and from my perspective 'enabling' just seems to be the only option.  I hate this so bad.  I was never a wimp in relationships until her.  In fact, I was usually very much in charge (I have Narcissistic tendencies myself).  Now, I don't even know how to be a real man anymore.  We have been married for nine years, and I really do think sometimes that it is too late for me.  But my stepsons come first.  Sorry, I am just rambling at this point.  Ask questions, help me understand this better from a child of a BPD family's perspective.  That is why I started this thread.

*** I don't come here much on the weekend (if at all), because I am terrified of her finding out I post here, so if you ask something, it may be Monday before I am able to reply. ***

[Turkish]

What lead you to believe that you have engaged in something like emotional incest with him, downandin? Have you held SS18 responsible for soothing your feelings or completing your identity over the years? Confided in him about your issues with his mom?

Can you elaborate more on the symptoms to which you allude?

Now, I don't even know how to be a real man anymore.

I can relate to that. I often wasn't sure just who I was supposed to be.

[Harri]

Hi downandin!  I am so glad you started this thread.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to look within and accept that we have some issues and sometimes those issues can affect others.  I don't think that your behaviors *caused* your sons OCD though they may have had some influence on him when combined with his mother's behaviors and his own tendencies.  Blame is not the goal here.  Looking within, doing a realistic self analysis and then acceptance and change is... .and it sounds like you have done this.  When I mentioned emotional incest in the other thread, I hoped you would read up on it some more and see if some of your behaviors fell into that category.  It can't have been an easy task for you.     I think it is easy to fall into using your own child as a confidant especially if you feel hopeless, helpless, alone and angry.  You have been living in a very difficult and crazy making environment for a long time and I don't think anyone can do that without having some poor coping skills or some kind of issue or 'stuff' as a result.  Were you able to identify specific behaviors that fall into the emotional incest category? 

This could really be a severe problem if I stop 'enabling' on the religious issue.  She wants me to be something I am not, but if I refuse, all hell is going to break lose, I promise you that.  This is the way it always is.  I know what will happen if I don't do what she wants.  I weigh the consequences, and from my perspective 'enabling' just seems to be the only option.

I won't pretend to know the solution here because I don't, but I do not think changing who you are and going along with your wife's religious beliefs is a good solution for you (I also read your other recent thread on the staying board).  I know your sons are important to you and you are putting their needs first, but changing you at your core and betraying your own beliefs is not a solution.  I share your concern for your son, but I am concerned for you as well and your emotional wellbeing .  What does 'all hell will break loose" mean?  Is she violent?  Will she yell, give the silent treatment?  Are you able to talk with your sons therapist privately?  What does his therapist say about his religious fixation (sorry I am not sure what the proper term is)?  Is there any way you can see a therapist for yourself?  I think having someone to talk with and support you is important.  We can do that here, but sometimes it is beneficial to have a T as well.  Is that possible?

Downandin, I hope you keep posting here and like I said, I look forward to talking with you some more about this.  You can get info on what it is like having a BPD mother and Non father on this board, but I think you could use some specific strategies to use in your home and when communicating with your wife so keep posting on the staying board too.  There are lots of people there who really know how to use the tools and can advise you on how to handle this situation.  I wonder if the Parents board might have some good input for how to help your son as well.

Be good to yourself.  Keep posting and reaching out here.  There are lots of us who can listen at the very least and just as many who can give practical advice. 

[downandin]

What lead you to believe that you have engaged in something like emotional incest with him, downandin? Have you held SS18 responsible for soothing your feelings or completing your identity over the years? Confided in him about your issues with his mom?

Can you elaborate more on the symptoms to which you allude?

Yes, we have always been very close from the time when I was dating his mom.  My mother died just a few years before I got married, and I had nobody to talk to at all.  I knew it was wrong to talk to him about the problems I've had with his mother, but there were times I just felt I needed to talk to maintain my sanity.  I have pretty much stopped doing this now, but since I have really started to go along quietly with everything my wife wants, there really hasn't been that much turmoil except inside me.  I can deal with this much better than with being yelled at, told I'm hated, told that she's leaving, etc., etc. 

He's always been an intelligent young man, and he finally, basically, told me... .dad, I'm just a kid, why do you want me to have the answers.  Yes, again, I know and knew at the time it was wrong, but I couldn't help it at the time.

[downandin]

What does 'all hell will break loose" mean?  Is she violent?  Will she yell, give the silent treatment?  Are you able to talk with your sons therapist privately?  What does his therapist say about his religious fixation (sorry I am not sure what the proper term is)?  Is there any way you can see a therapist for yourself?  I think having someone to talk with and support you is important.  We can do that here, but sometimes it is beneficial to have a T as well.  Is that possible?

She is not 'violent' physically, but being on the wrong side of her rage is far worse than anything physical she could ever do to me.  I haven't been there in a long time, now, and I do not want to go back.  When she disregulates, she is apt to tell me that she hates me, wishes I was dead, wishes she never met me.  She will yell and scream and curse me in the most vile of ways.  She will slam doors and pack up her suitcase and tell the boys to pack and will usually say she is leaving.  Then, I usually leave myself for several hours, just because I can't take it.  When I return, she hasn't left, but then I endure days or weeks of silent treatment, where she doesn't even acknowledge that I am there.  I usually sleep on the sofa during these times, and if I ever try to go to bed, she will get up and sleep on the sofa or recliner without even speaking to me. 

The religion thing is probably the biggest of "biggies," and even though I never hid my feelings on the subject before we got married.  Heck, I even told her I was agnostic and maybe she should reconsider wanting to marry me.  But she had me so idealized back then that I know she just thought she would change me.  I guess you can tell now how frightened I am of this situation.  I am doing the best I can to go along with everything, but I am not going to take things to the lengths she wants.  It is never easy, nothing is ever easy.  We are broke constantly, and now she is donating $50 a week in offerings to the church.

[Panda39]

Hi downandin,

I just wanted to suggest a book. Codependent No More by:Melody Beattie

I'm only part of the way through it but it's a very good book on the subject. 

The most recent nugget I pulled from the pages is about how when we codependent people try to control our SO (in my case an alcoholic) they are truly controlling us.  Regarding my situation I begged, pleaded, yelled, had rational conversations, dumped the beer my ex bought but he wouldn't stop. I couldn't control his drinking.  But what was he doing (besides drinking)... .even though an alcoholic... .he was working (functional alcoholic).  The only reason I stayed in my marriage was so my son was financially provided for and guess what the one thing my ex consistently did? He worked.  If he had stopped working I would have very likely left.  I never looked at things this way before.

An example of this for you is when you "walk on egg shells" and avoid doing all those things you want to do or say in order to prevent your wife from raging. She is in fact controlling you and your actions... .she gets you behaving, thinking, saying the things she wants. 

Anyway if you can I strongly suggest the book and I join Harri in saying kudos to you for taking a look codependence and enabling.  Keep up the good work 

[Harri]

Hi downandin, how are you?  How is your son doing?

I hope you will get a copy of the book Panda recommended.  Maybe keep it at work or something so your wife does not find it?  I understand that your situation is difficult and I do understand the fear of rocking the boat and having to deal with the verbal abuse and silent treatment.  That is part of what kept me living in my parents home for such a long time.  By the time i did move out, I realized the biggest thing holding me there was that once I left I would have to admit to all the time I spent walking on eggshells and taking abuse was not necessary for me.  Learned helplessness/Stockholm syndrome, whatever you want to call it... .it fit for me and it is where I was at the time.

I have no answers and no suggestions for you downandin.  It sounds to me like you have made your choice and I will respect that.  I hope you keep reading and posting and that your son comes through this tough challenge.

Take good care of you too.