My BPD sister is firing me up. How do I stop feeling this way?

[Depression = 72% of members]

                I have finally come to the conclusion that there is a definite sibling rivalry going on with my older sister and I think it has all ways been this way, it's just taken me to this point in my life to finally see it close up.

                         Instead of dwelling on my anger concerning any situation where this comes up,  I want to learn how to handle it the instant it's made prominent to my attention.  What happens, is when it happens I end up chewing on and chewing on after the fact and I feel helpless to making it  stop.

                         I cant seem to voice any accomplishment of my own with out her having to say something that has gone with "her" which cancels out or minamizes  what Im talking about that has to do with me.


Recently, I have had mare with a very serious tooth infection that I have been working with a vet over for the past 6 months. Finally, we found what the problem is, she had surgery again and now she is home and I have to administer sedating her and flushing this surgerical hole on the side of her face every 2 days. Its not easy and I didnt think I had the stomach for it.  Anyways, she's doing great and Ive been very proud of myself for doing something usually only vets do.  I really feel I have accomplished something in my Equestrianship so to speak, either that or a Girl Scout Badge.   My mistake!  I felt like I needed someone to talk about this , so at dinner to my mom and sister, I told what I had to do and that I was proud of myself for doing it.   Well, my sister breaks in and starts going on about this horse that was here along time ago who was bit on the face by a snake and how the hole in its face was HUGE! and how SHE had to do this and that... .bla bla bla.   Ok, so basically what she was doing , was telling me how meaningless what I am doing now is, compared to what SHEEEE had to do then.

No,  this is just not my interpretation.  This is what she's doing.   

I would have liked to have said,  Oh so huge that it went through bone all the way into the left sinus and into the horses mouth?  Just saying this ,  is getting me to see just how rediculous this game she plays is.

And no,  I dont have anyone I can talk to about these sort of things right now where it's safe.,  but I still want to teach myself a kind of dialog where I can nicely say,  well that's nice dear but we are talking about "me" right now.   Ignoring her when she does this isnt going to make it go away. Its because of years of me not knowing how to tactfully assert myself is why she does it.   

          Any ideas of communication skills in a matter like this would be welcome.   Thanks 

                                 

[goingtostopthis]

                I have finally come to the conclusion that there is a definite sibling rivalry going on with my older sister and I think it has all ways been this way, it's just taken me to this point in my life to finally see it close up.

                         Instead of dwelling on my anger concerning any situation where this comes up,  I want to learn how to handle it the instant it's made prominent to my attention.  What happens, is when it happens I end up chewing on and chewing on after the fact and I feel helpless to making it  stop.

                         I cant seem to voice any accomplishment of my own with out her having to say something that has gone with "her" which cancels out or minamizes  what Im talking about that has to do with me.


Recently, I have had mare with a very serious tooth infection that I have been working with a vet over for the past 6 months. Finally, we found what the problem is, she had surgery again and now she is home and I have to administer sedating her and flushing this surgerical hole on the side of her face every 2 days. Its not easy and I didnt think I had the stomach for it.  Anyways, she's doing great and Ive been very proud of myself for doing something usually only vets do.  I really feel I have accomplished something in my Equestrianship so to speak, either that or a Girl Scout Badge.   My mistake!  I felt like I needed someone to talk about this , so at dinner to my mom and sister, I told what I had to do and that I was proud of myself for doing it.   Well, my sister breaks in and starts going on about this horse that was here along time ago who was bit on the face by a snake and how the hole in its face was HUGE! and how SHE had to do this and that... .bla bla bla.   Ok, so basically what she was doing , was telling me how meaningless what I am doing now is, compared to what SHEEEE had to do then.

No,  this is just not my interpretation.  This is what she's doing.   

I would have liked to have said,  Oh so huge that it went through bone all the way into the left sinus and into the horses mouth?  Just saying this ,  is getting me to see just how rediculous this game she plays is.

And no,  I dont have anyone I can talk to about these sort of things right now where it's safe.,  but I still want to teach myself a kind of dialog where I can nicely say,  well that's nice dear but we are talking about "me" right now.   Ignoring her when she does this isnt going to make it go away. Its because of years of me not knowing how to tactfully assert myself is why she does it.   

          Any ideas of communication skills in a matter like this would be welcome.   Thanks 

                                 

[clljhns]

  GTST,

I have to administer sedating her and flushing this surgerical hole on the side of her face every 2 days. Its not easy and I didnt think I had the stomach for it.  Anyways, she's doing great and Ive been very proud of myself for doing something usually only vets do.  I really feel I have accomplished something in my Equestrianship so to speak

This is a great accomplishment! Not many people would have the stomach or the inclination to do this for their pet! You are to be commended for your willingness and kindness to help your horse.

I am sorry that your family does not appreciate or recognize your accomplishments. It is very important for the people in our lives to raise each other up and support our efforts. We all need a champion in our corner cheering us on. So, let me be the one to send out a resounding cheer for what you are doing!  

         Any ideas of communication skills in a matter like this would be welcome.

There are many articles and workshops on this site that address communication. I have included the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0  I would also suggest that you read about establishing boundaries. I have read many of your posts, and it seems that establishing boundaries with your sister would help. Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm and https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries  

One of the hardest parts of dealing with a family member who has BPD is the emotional response we naturally have. We have a history with this person, and at times it is difficult to separate out the history from the present. So, we tend to bring the emotions from the past to present, which can cause us to respond in ways we then ruminate about, wishing we had said or done something different.

I want to learn how to handle it the instant it's made prominent to my attention.  What happens, is when it happens I end up chewing on and chewing on after the fact and I feel helpless to making it  stop.

Is it a possibility for you at this point to see a T to help with these emotional responses?

Wishing you all the best. Let us know what you think about the articles.  

[Panda39]

Hi goingtostopthis,

On behalf of the horse and all of us animal lovers (especially pandas!  ) I want to say NICE JOB! 

Don't let your sister get you down... .have you ever thought of being a vet?  You seem to have an knack with animals.

Take Care

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You Clljhns

          That was really kind of you to congratulate me on doing what Ive had to do to take care of my horse. My mother is usually very supportive about this sort of thing and she was so I wasnt totally alone. It isnt like Im not capable of being supportive towards myself and feeling good about myself on my own. I feel like I have a problem focusing too much on my sister's problem.

               I was thinking about this today walking through the woods and I realize that she has become such a threat to me, almost an obsession in a way. This may be going way out there, but it feels almost like emotional incest, what ever that is, its like my psychic space has been violated.

                                        Then I found myself watching this video about Covert Narcissists and how when you confront them they go into rage. This is my sister, well I dont know if she's one for sure but the descriptions I was hearing were starting to freak me out. She's a minister and when she at the church she is oh soo nice and giving and she puts it on and on.  Then here at home, or her home with my mom, (where ever she is) She pushy and bossy and opinionated as ever and talks about the people at church behind their backs in a real hyped up gossipy manner.  It makes me sick. And then there was that time I confronted her and told her how I felt about the way she was treating me and she grabbed me and pushed me back into a door and wouldnt let go! Because of that incident I feel really repressed now around her. Like my soul is caged in and because of this I find myself day dreaming of all the things I'd like to do to get her back.  Id like to go totally nuts in front of her and throw chairs and tables around and then grab a few fire crackers I keep on one of my selves and light those suckers off and then scream to top of my lungs until I scare the living ___! out of her!  I think that would do it.    I can laugh and I would never do this of course but this is exactly how I feel.

                              Things have gotten much better though since Ive started writing here. A lot better!  It's been so kind of many of you to have noticed my progress. I have to be honest, I feel like my story has become mighty old and the average person reading my story has gotten sick and tired of it. I'm afraid that it's my fault that this has become such a big deal to me. That Im over exagerating or that I like playing the victim because I cant seem to completely deal with my sister's ways yet. Because the way she is, is still shocking me and hard for me to believe, get over or ignore.

                           A part of me is still really confused as to what I should do, not that I havent done alot all ready because I have. Im seeing this therapist and he's good and I will talk to him about this, but he's not God.  I dont know if I should continue ignoring her not very nice behavior toward me, or start being verbally tactful in new way

so she will stop!  and know,  Ya!  this is a big part of what a boundary is and I have one. Im concerned she will continue to talk to me the way she does if I let her and nothing will change. As it stands this house I am living in now still belongs to my Aunt.   I dont know why I have allowed her to put such a psychological trip on me. Its like she knows Im down,  she knows she has the the advantage here. I made a really good  strong step when I told her if she decides to keep only her name on the deed when my Aunts dies, she can do that, its her right,  but I'll be leaving then.   My mother was not happy about that, which puts my sister in a position but I dont care because she's making it plain she doesnt care about me at all. Im so afraid Im going to make her angry by telling her how I really feel about her. I think she is one of the most selfish human beings on this planet.  I hear a  voice from the trees saying dont do it, so I wont.  Its says, build it and they will come.

                       The more I keep busy and focus on taking care of me , the better things get,  the smaller my attention on her becomes, So for now Im just going to keep going.  I walked the fields today and went all the way back to the end of the fence line. I found a secret place. A beautiful little stream with moss around. Im in North Carolina gold country. Two miles from the main gold find(Reeds Gold mind) in the history of this country. I have a little hobby now that she will never have a clue about.  I will most likely only find some pretty rocks, that's ok.  My goal is to be still with myself and know where the real gold is, I just have to look,  its in my heart and God knows I've got it.                        

[Deb]

                I have finally come to the conclusion that there is a definite sibling rivalry going on with my older sister and I think it has all ways been this way, it's just taken me to this point in my life to finally see it close up.

This bothers me, calling it sibling rivalry. I think it's because "sibling rivalry" imples that both siblings are doing it, when usually, it is only the pwBPD. I also feel that this dimishes the abuse we siblings with a PD sibling suffer. I wish there were a better word. For the person WITH a PD, it is a rivalry, I guess. For the sibling on the other side, it's abuse.

[clljhns]

  GTST,

My goal is to be still with myself and know where the real gold is, I just have to look,  its in my heart and God knows I've got it

How very true! Glad that you are doing so well. I have seen the progress you have made through reading your posts. Keep on in the direction you are going!

Wishing you all the best.