Thank You Clljhns
That was really kind of you to congratulate me on doing what Ive had to do to take care of my horse. My mother is usually very supportive about this sort of thing and she was so I wasnt totally alone. It isnt like Im not capable of being supportive towards myself and feeling good about myself on my own. I feel like I have a problem focusing too much on my sister's problem.
I was thinking about this today walking through the woods and I realize that she has become such a threat to me, almost an obsession in a way. This may be going way out there, but it feels almost like emotional incest, what ever that is, its like my psychic space has been violated.
Then I found myself watching this video about Covert Narcissists and how when you confront them they go into rage. This is my sister, well I dont know if she's one for sure but the descriptions I was hearing were starting to freak me out. She's a minister and when she at the church she is oh soo nice and giving and she puts it on and on. Then here at home, or her home with my mom, (where ever she is) She pushy and bossy and opinionated as ever and talks about the people at church behind their backs in a real hyped up gossipy manner. It makes me sick. And then there was that time I confronted her and told her how I felt about the way she was treating me and she grabbed me and pushed me back into a door and wouldnt let go! Because of that incident I feel really repressed now around her. Like my soul is caged in and because of this I find myself day dreaming of all the things I'd like to do to get her back. Id like to go totally nuts in front of her and throw chairs and tables around and then grab a few fire crackers I keep on one of my selves and light those suckers off and then scream to top of my lungs until I scare the living ___! out of her! I think that would do it.
I can laugh and I would never do this of course but this is exactly how I feel.
Things have gotten much better though since Ive started writing here. A lot better! It's been so kind of many of you to have noticed my progress. I have to be honest, I feel like my story has become mighty old and the average person reading my story has gotten sick and tired of it. I'm afraid that it's my fault that this has become such a big deal to me. That Im over exagerating or that I like playing the victim because I cant seem to completely deal with my sister's ways yet. Because the way she is, is still shocking me and hard for me to believe, get over or ignore.
A part of me is still really confused as to what I should do, not that I havent done alot all ready because I have. Im seeing this therapist and he's good and I will talk to him about this, but he's not God. I dont know if I should continue ignoring her not very nice behavior toward me, or start being verbally tactful in new way
so she will stop! and know, Ya! this is a big part of what a boundary is and I have one. Im concerned she will continue to talk to me the way she does if I let her and nothing will change. As it stands this house I am living in now still belongs to my Aunt. I dont know why I have allowed her to put such a psychological trip on me. Its like she knows Im down, she knows she has the the advantage here. I made a really good strong step when I told her if she decides to keep only her name on the deed when my Aunts dies, she can do that, its her right, but I'll be leaving then. My mother was not happy about that, which puts my sister in a position but I dont care because she's making it plain she doesnt care about me at all. Im so afraid Im going to make her angry by telling her how I really feel about her. I think she is one of the most selfish human beings on this planet. I hear a voice from the trees saying dont do it, so I wont. Its says, build it and they will come.
The more I keep busy and focus on taking care of me , the better things get, the smaller my attention on her becomes, So for now Im just going to keep going. I walked the fields today and went all the way back to the end of the fence line. I found a secret place. A beautiful little stream with moss around. Im in North Carolina gold country. Two miles from the main gold find(Reeds Gold mind) in the history of this country. I have a little hobby now that she will never have a clue about.
I will most likely only find some pretty rocks, that's ok. My goal is to be still with myself and know where the real gold is, I just have to look, its in my heart and God knows I've got it.
