is she BPD? Two therapists have said yes...

[cakehat]

My mother's situation is complex, it always has been, or she always portrays it that way.

Two therapists have told me (after I'v related incidents) that she is a narcissist and/or someone with BPD.

Thing is, I still don't know... .Does anyone else have a similar situation? Here's my situation (I am an adult):

--my mother has a physical disability, but she rarely does anything to help herself. She refuses to use any medical device to assist her until she absolutely needs it, she refuses to get therapy (psycho or physical), and when I beg her she accuses me of badgering her and of "not understanding." These discussions quickly turn to fights, where she accuses me of "having no idea what she's been through." I assure her that I do not know, but that I really want the best for her (but watching her body waste away because she doesn't exercise is really hard for me). I try to gently encourage her, but she quickly explodes... .everytime.

--my mother is NEVER wrong. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the number of times he has apologized to me.

--you cannot argue with my mother. It goes in circles: no one understands what she's going through, her life is so hard, etc. sometimes she will get histrionic and say she might as well just die.

--she is also an alcoholic (only drinks at night) so often the nights become horrible and fraught with fights she picks, and these fights go in circles. This, I know is alcoholic behavior, but is there BPD under it? As a child, it seemed as though half our family dinners ended with her picking an argument with me about what friends I was hanging out with, what I did at school, etc, and then she'd end up crying, claiming no one understood her...

--she constantly is paranoid as to my father's whereabouts. if he takes too long in town she is upset. apparently, when I was a child, she accused him of having an affair--even with his sister! with our male neighbor!

--no boundaries: she snuck into my room when i was a teenager, lifted up my mattress, retrieved my diary and read it. (she thought I might be gay, and i am, but still). even now, when we get into fights, she'll come into my room without knocking.

--she is/was very controlling of any time i spend with my dad, often maligning him. once when i was a teenager, my father and I climbed a mountain and he texted her a pic of him at the summit (proud) and she texted back angry that he wouldn't be home until late then and found a reason to validate her anger (he needed to pick of some 35mm film that day!). when we finally returned (in time for dinner actually) she wouldn't let the damn film topic go, insisting that we took too long and that film needed to be picked up TODAY. finally, my dad-exhuasted--got up from the table and went to get the film instead of eating. there are many similar cases where she reacted to my time spent with my dad by hanging something heavy over our heads, mostly his, when we returned. it was like our punishment for having fun without her. we certainly try (and tried) to always get her to go places with us--in a wheelchair--but she almost always refuses to leave the house.

--i never had the right friends, my life was heavily scrutinized. at the same time, however, I felt she was my biggest fan. i always told myself she was living vicariously through me but lately, as she ages, her condition is seeming pathological.

--recently, I've tried to get my parents into couples counseling. my mother always stated it was my dad who didn't want to go but when he said he'd go she found another excuse. finally he went to a therapist i found and when my mother discovered this (snooping) she was ENRAGED. even more so when I was driving home one day and told her I just met the therapist id sent my dad to (id wanted to to make sure she was good). my mother was so angry at this, she hung up on me. I called back and she accused me of colluding. when i got home (my dad was still at his therapy apt) she refused to talk to me. it was like dealing with a teenager. finally i softly assured her i wasn't colluding, id only wanted to check out this therapist Id wanted them both to go to, and told her I'd liked the lady and she would too. she began yelling, then crying, then told me she'd NEVER go to a couples therapist who saw one half of the couple first. "no good therapists does that!" she yelled.( of course, the irony, is that she has never been to therapy, claims she doesn't need it--even as she cries and says how she might as well die.) she cried and yelled and i comforted her. she told me how upset she was and wanted to argue with me about the therapist but i refused to. I just told her I was sorry she was in so much pain--this seems to be the ONLY way to deal with her. If I respond to her statements its a vicious circle of hell. I never am able to get her to see anything other than how right she is, how much this family doesn't appreciate her, how wrong my father is, etc

I know this situation is complex--alcoholism, disability... .but since two therapists have diagnosed her, i am wondering... .

--also, she always makes it about her. she seems to have the need to jump ahead of any perceived accusations and accuse me of making the worst. for example, when i told her one morning that, although i loved our relationship and thought it was mostly really great, id like her and myself to see a therapist to work out a few things, she screamed: So, what are you saying? That I'm a terrible mother?" 

[Kwamina]

Hi cakehat

Welcome to bpdfamily and thanks for posting your story  Having a mother with BPD isn't easy and can really take a toll on the entire family. We can't diagnose people here, but based on what you've shared it does seem that your mother exhibits certain BPD or BPD-like traits. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and know how difficult this can be.

You also mention your mother having a physical disability. This complicates things even more. Since when does she have this physical disability? Did she already have this physical disability when she first started exhibiting difficult behavior?

It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that many people with this disorder find it very hard to acknowledge that there might be something wrong with them. As a result they might be reluctant or unwilling to seek any form of help for their issues. This seems to be going on with your mother too. Do you feel like your mother has in any way ever acknowledge that she might have certain issues?

It's good that you and your father are trying to take care of yourself and are seeing a therapist. Taking good care of your own mental and emotional well-being is very important when having to deal with a BPD family-member Two therapists have told you that your mother is a narcissist/someone with BPD. Did you see these therapists because you found yourself struggling with certain issues of your own related to what your mother has put you through?

To learn more about BPD I suggest you take a look at the lessons to the right of this message board. Take care and I hope to hear more from you soon

[cakehat]

Kwamina, thank you for your response. she's had the disability since she was young. my mother has denied she's had ANY issues until I got sober (alcoholism runs in our family), then slowly, and only after my gentle prodding did she acknowledge that she has a problem drinking, but she refuses to call it anything and tells me she "can keep it under control" etc. she never has admitted any other problem with the way she does anything. Everything she does is "right" and "not a problem." She absolutely doesn't need therapy etc. She has never admitted to her role in any family drama, and it almost always circles around her. Really, she controls the entire family. The one therapist who diagnosed her was my fathers, and he was there to discuss her. My therapist diagnosed her after I sought help in how to deal with her (I visit regularly). I relayed a couple incidents and she then suspected narcissim/BPD.

Thanks again.

[clljhns]

  cakehat,

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you have with mom. I agree with Kwamina, it does sound like she has traits of BPD, but we certainly don't diagnose on this site.

my mother has denied she's had ANY issues until I got sober (alcoholism runs in our family), then slowly, and only after my gentle prodding did she acknowledge that she has a problem drinking, but she refuses to call it anything and tells me she "can keep it under control" etc. she never has admitted any other problem with the way she does anything. Everything she does is "right" and "not a problem." She absolutely doesn't need therapy etc.

I want to commend you on getting sober! Kudos to you! I know this must have been difficult, given that there is a history of alcoholism in your family, as you stated. Do you live with mom and dad? If so, how is this affecting your sobriety? Are you in an AA program to help with the sobriety?

I also want to congratulate you and dad for taking care of yourselves by seeing a T. Really, this is the only thing that you can change, yourself.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Wishing you all the best. 

[K1313]

--my mother has a physical disability, but she rarely does anything to help herself. She refuses to use any medical device to assist her until she absolutely needs it, she refuses to get therapy (psycho or physical), and when I beg her she accuses me of badgering her and of "not understanding." These discussions quickly turn to fights, where she accuses me of "having no idea what she's been through." I assure her that I do not know, but that I really want the best for her (but watching her body waste away because she doesn't exercise is really hard for me). I try to gently encourage her, but she quickly explodes... .everytime.

First of all, welcome. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. A lot of what you describe reminds me of my own BPDmother. It can be so frustrating and exhausting to deal with.

I wanted to chime in, specifically, on the disability aspect. I myself am disabled. I have a condition that made walking progressively harder until I had to use a wheelchair. I do not have BPD but what your mother seems to be doing regarding her disability is very familiar to me as I went through the same thing. I know that you must worry a lot about your mother and you can see all the ways that physical therapy and adaptive equipment can help her but the thing is, for the person going through it, conceding those things is tantamount to failing as a human somehow. Society is terrible to the disabled and I know, for myself, I fought tooth and nail to use a wheelchair because it seemed like the end of life as I knew it. The truth is, it sucks at first but you get used to it. I know that now but at the time... .Oy. It was a hard, hard decision that took me years to to accept even as everything else in my life got harder because of my refusal to accept the obvious.

So, add BPD to the mix and... .well, yes. I'm sure your mother is being difficult on that front. There are many people here who can give you better advice than I as it pertains to the rest of your post. But for the disability stuff, it's one of those things that she has to arrive at on her own. No matter how gently and lovingly you plead with her, it's going to go over badly until she's ready to admit she needs to address it. In other words, you can't change her. Only she can do that. All you can change is your own reaction/handling of the situation (I'm still learning this lesson myself).

I wish you luck and I think it's great that you're so concerned for your mother despite the difficulties in your relationship with her. Just make sure you look out for yourself too.