Wife punched me in the face - I grabbed her by the throat

[Dan50]

Hi to all, I think the title says it all. The wife and I had a real blow out last night and she punched me in the face again. I've never hit her back but this time I lost it and grab her by the throat. I didn't even realize I was doing it and let go as soon as I came to my senses.

It's crazy. I still care for her and even love her but she fits the BD description to a tee and I'm becoming physically/mentally sick from being married to her. We've been together for almost twenty years and it didn't get really bad until my ex wife and kids contacted me. She's been on the warpath ever since (a little over a year now).

I think that's a good start and am excited to read others experiences. I really don't want my relationship to end. She has a lot of great traits and I have plenty of bad but we've built a life together and I'm too old to start over.

Dan

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Warney]

Never to old Dan.

Sorry to hear you are at this point . What triggered the fight and your actions.

Study ,Study ,Study

[NGU]

I didn't even realize I was doing it and let go as soon as I came to my senses.

A few questions, just so I get a better idea of what happened:

--Did you leave marks?

--Did she threaten you with anything afterward... .like divorce or a call to police?

--Did she ignore or deny her side of the altercation?

--Did she apologize later?

--Have you been to therapy over your marriage problems (solo or together)?

Knowing how long you've been married, and how many people here have shared their success stories, I'm feeling confident that you can change aspects of yourself to help improve your relationship. It might not seem fair that you have to change to help someone else. Just know that by doing it, you'll make yourself a better person as well. Sometimes when I'm going through the concepts here, I imagine myself getting berated at work, and how I can react better toward the workplace "attacker."

Anecdote:

I was hanging out with some of my Army friends and one of them showed up with a black eye and bruises. Turns out his wife beats him up once in a while. He said he stands there and takes it due to the military ramifications if he physically defends himself. I noticed the Army guys just nodding.

I said "Wait, how many of you get hit?" Three out of the four said they do. One of them had a theory that their significant others turn to violence because they can. Another thought it was because of the type of women they attract.

It was the first time I had ever known a male friend who was on the receiving end of violence. Now that I'm reading more posts here, I see that getting physical isn't just a one way street. Call me naive; I just didn't know.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I would recommend reading the lessons that you can find on the right side of the forum. There is stuff about understanding your partner's behaviors, understanding your role, communication tools, and some other really helpful information.

You are in a really tough position. I have read a lot of horror stories from guys that have been physically assaulted by their wives.

What is the story about your ex wife and kids? Have they been out of your life for a long time or something?

[AlwaysFrustrated]

First you should take pictures, and you need to keep a log on the issue.  Just incase things are ever brought against you.  Second you can't choke her, forget about the legal issues, it will actually cause her to escalate even more. 

My wife would push me in the chest knowing there was an object behind me, and she has slapped me and palmed me in the forehead.  It sounds silly because I out weigh here by 90 pounds and I am a foot taller but it doesn't matter.

I would grab her and bear hug her until she stopped moving.  Then luckily I have a good relationship with her father and I would call him and tell him what happened.  This pattern and a combination of therapy and the therapist informing her is this what you want your daughters to think is ok has luckily changed this pattern.  I feel for you man, nothing is more humiliating than having a women hit you. I am sure she was also saying wonderful things to you at the same moment ;-) Yes it is our base instinct to then as a male dominate that person.  We have to suppress those base testosterone fueled emotions. I have a heavy bag set up in the garage. I put on the wraps and gloves and hit the bag for an hour.

[Selkie3]

I'm very new to this so I don't know if I can be super helpful, but I can identify with what you are talking about.  I was raised to be super gallant and never strike a women, but more and more I'm seeing this old view as an incomplete picture.  What I mean by that is this view seems to tacitly condone women hitting men or blowing it off as harmless, and that's not ok either.  A person being smaller and weaker than you doesn't mean they can't hurt you.  I've found that people overall in the world seem to have a very poor understanding of what they are now calling common couple violence and often make knee-jerk responses that are not helpful.

My wife has BP traits and has hit me on several occasions.  Usually it's slapping me, but one time she kicked me in the lower back.  Yes as you probably figured out, that means my back was turned and I was not being threatening; she did it because I had a task I needed to complete and wasn't doing what she wanted.  While I didn't "hit" back, I did turn without thinking and swept her legs (I was big into martial arts at time), which knocked her to the ground and she bawled like a child, which was just crushing to me.  "I've hurt her!  But she attacked me.  But I hurt a girl!   But she kicked me. But she's crying! Kicked me in the spine." And so my mind raced, grappling with this conflict. It's a horrible feeling.  

I've often wondered if women with BPD have a unique ability to provoke violence in normally non-violent men.  Provocation is another thing that's written off by people and that's a shame.

But here's something I did learn in the lessons.  We as the partners do have our role in these conflicts whether we want to admit it or not.  But it's not usually obvious.  I'm not saying you're to blame, but rather there are ways to change "the dance" so that it doesn't lead to the same place.  Unfortunately I am still in the very early stages of the lessons so I don't know much more.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello Dan50 I am sorry you are struggling right now. PS... .you ARE NEVER too old!

I know exactly what you mean. My H has gotten me so angry I have choked and slapped him. I never hit my ex at all (14 years of marriage the first time), but my current knows all the buttons to push. It's not an excuse at all for what I have done, and I will be starting counseling soon. But, dealing with pwBPD is really challenging.

My current H every time has told me he isn't upset that I hit him, that he knows he says things on purpose to provoke me, and almost all of his exes have hit him. I don't know if that's entirely true, but I know he had domestic issues with his exwife, and his exgirlfriend before me.

[adventurer]

People with BPD can be MASTERS of pushing just the right buttons and bringing out the absolute worst in nons.  I have always had issues with my temper and my wife was really good at pushing and pushing me until I lost my cool.  I would yell a lot, slam doors and wrecked a couple coffee tables.  I was convinced that I was an emotional abuser because of my temper towards her.

Through therapy, I was finally able to not only own my own behaviors, but also recognize the signs when she attempts to bait me into arguing.  Learning the methods those with BPD use to manipulate is key to keeping boundaries firm and refusing to let situations escalate to the point that either of you is a physical threat to the other.  I think sometimes they are painting us black and want to evoke the worst in us to prove that their feelings are justified, or that they crave the drama and conflict as they are recreating unresolved situations from their past.

There was a great book that I wish I could refer you to, that explained a lot of these techniques, but I've read so many now that they all blur together.  Some that may help are 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty', 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist', and 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.

[ColdEthyl]

People with BPD can be MASTERS of pushing just the right buttons and bringing out the absolute worst in nons.  I have always had issues with my temper and my wife was really good at pushing and pushing me until I lost my cool.  I would yell a lot, slam doors and wrecked a couple coffee tables.  I was convinced that I was an emotional abuser because of my temper towards her.

Through therapy, I was finally able to not only own my own behaviors, but also recognize the signs when she attempts to bait me into arguing.  Learning the methods those with BPD use to manipulate is key to keeping boundaries firm and refusing to let situations escalate to the point that either of you is a physical threat to the other.  I think sometimes they are painting us black and want to evoke the worst in us to prove that their feelings are justified, or that they crave the drama and conflict as they are recreating unresolved situations from their past.

There was a great book that I wish I could refer you to, that explained a lot of these techniques, but I've read so many now that they all blur together.  Some that may help are 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty', 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist', and 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.

Another element to this too is my H had even stated he likes arguing with me, and he thinks every r/s should have arguments in it.So, I think he WANTS me to get upset and fight with him. Only in BPDland... .