How do you select a T?

[GrowThroughIt]

  All!

I hope you are all well. (If not I hope you get there!)

I've noticed many people after coming out of a r/s with pwN/BPD go on to get therapy.

My question is, how do I find one that can work with me through something like this?

I understand I'm going to a T for myself and because of myself. My r/s merely being a catalyst. I believe I have co-dependant issues related to childhood truama.

I have found one in my local vicinity who deals with the psychodynamic aspects of issues. Would it be worth contacting her?

[clydegriffith]

Well i just asked my insurance companies for a list of therapists that they would pay for that were within 10 minutes from my office. There were 3 choices, i looked them all up and went with the guy that had written a few books and had been on some television shows.

[Grey Kitty]

When I've looked for a therapist, it has been a couples therapist instead of an individual one, however I think the process has some similarities.

First, if you have anybody in your personal support network that you would feel OK asking for a recommendation for a therapist, I recommend you do so. If you have insurance that covers some therapy, getting their list sounds like a good idea too.

You need somebody who is skilled. That's where recommendations, experience, and credentials help.

You also need somebody you can trust and connect with. There is always personal chemistry--some people just feel much easier/safer to talk to than others. You may find it safer to talk to women... .or to men, or not have a preference.

Don't expect a lot out of the first session other than getting to know each other... .maybe a few useful tidbits, but mostly background. If you have had a couple more sessions and haven't seen any benefits, you may want to change something or look for a new therapist.

It might help to go in with some specific area you want to work on. Other things may come up, but remember--this is for you, so you set the goals and the T helps you achieve them.

[Targeted]

I have been going to counseling for about a little over a year!  Only separated from the ex for 8 months, in my experience you do not need the best T in the area but just a good one, talking about your exes traits and behaviors with a T and trying to find out if she was this or that what is a process for me, it is nice to get all of that off of your chest though! But I do not recommend wasting too much time on it, my real healing began specifically when me and my T worked on my boundaries! He asked me to write down what my normal boundaries in a relationship are, not just what I want from somebody else but I also do myself naturally,  The next meeting I had to admit she broke every one of my normal boundaries, then the real healing start when you figure out why you allowed that to happen? For me it was a codependent trait where I feel if I just keep doing more then I will be respected and her behaviours will change, I am not all that bad off with that because I got proper attention from my mother as a child but always wanted more attention from my father, Doing a lot of work on my boundaries has helped me immensely, my boundaries are not unreasonable, but her behaviours still have not changed! You should not have to work that hard at love, it should be given freely!   My suggestion, just text somebody to see and write down your normal boundaries in a relationship and figure out what they are and start there.

[Infared]

Lot of great comments here.   I had a real roller-coaster ride with therapy... .Initially I did not know anything about BPD.  My ex had just abruptly run off with new supply who she had been cheating on me with.  She lied about everything and just literally ran out of the house with some clothes and did not come back until she moved her things.  It devastated me.  I had no idea what was going on and then she became extremely mean, vindictive and smug... .  I was spinning... .I did not know who this person with... .of course now I know I was seeing a BPD backed up by her new supply. 

I had a rough go of it... .started drinking and got clinically depressed and was suicidal... .  I really cared about this person, and could not believe what was happening.

I got a therapist out of desperation not by carefully assessing my situation and going shopping for one (although... .I think that that is wise!).   My first therapist was not that good IMHO... .I was a mess, in a ton of uncontrolled emotional pain and all I did was whinge.  I did get into AA meetings and stop my drinking and found tremendous support there.  I slowly started to even out but I was still extremely depressed (I am prone to depression), but I slowly realized that my therapist was not really doing anything for me... .She just listened to me and that was about it... .there was no plan... .no challenges, no direction.

I had to leave my home as when my ex ran off I just could not afford to live there on a single income... .my Mom got sick and was starting to die... .so I had a lot on my plate and I was very fragile... .

... .but eventually I found another therapist through AA who was actually in recovery herself... .and that proved to be the ticket for me.  She understood how I ticked... .she knew what I need to work on in my life and she set goals and I worked toward them.  I ended up having an incredible experience supporting my Mom emotionally while she slowly died and I formed this incredible bond with her before she died that I never had with her during my life.  I do not think that would have happened if I had not been in therapy.  I also had group therapy lead by my counsellor which was invaluable to me as well.

The only thing is ... .during that time the term BPD never came up as I guess might have been good as it meant I was focusing on myself... .not her... .although she did some really painful, selfish things during the 1st year and a half after leaving me. I learned about BPD here... .that finally let me understand why she had done what she did and acted the way she did.

So I would say to interview a few therapists and choose one and see if it feels right to you... .like if it clicks.  There has to be trust and respect and there should be goals.  It is an incredible experience.  Mine was an invaluable part of my life.

[Suzn]

After my first attempt with a T that didn't seem to get it, I searched for a T that was experienced with pwBPD. Once I found a T that was experienced, it spoke volumes when walked into my first session and told her I was codependent and I had just ended a relationship with a pwBPD. She got it immediately.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks for all the helpful replies! It is much appreciated!

I have booked myself in for an appointment with a T in 2 weeks time! Argh! It's so duanting but I feel happy knowing that it is a step forward!

[Tim300]

After my first attempt with a T that didn't seem to get it, I searched for a T that was experienced with pwBPD.

This idea is worth repeating.  BPD generates such bizarre and paradoxical behavior that only someone who has experienced a BPD relationship or specializes in it might be able to fully understand what you're talking about.