Fool me again... and again... and again

[Trog]

Well, perhaps not fooled but certainly slapped once more. My ex contacted me this week to tell me how much she loves and misses me and cant think of being with anyone else, is depressed without me etc (though for all I know she is). Instead of getting well drawn into this (like last month!), although I did reply, I replied that I do not understand why a person who felt that way would do nothing to resolve the relationship or fix it and either they are either just lying about their feelings or pathetic not going after their desires.

To which, after telling me how desperate she is for us to work and send a good number of texts, I get... .the silent treatment. Nice.

I think its pretty fair enough comment from me, why contact us to tell us they are suicidally depressed and cant love anyone else if they are not prepared to do anything about it! I can never understand this. And that was part of the last text I sent her. That I would just never understand her.

Its infuriating, but not painful like it would have been a few months ago.

Contact... .do... .not... .do... .it.

If they wanted to change or improve things, they would! They clearly don't!

[lbjnltx]

She doesn't know how.

She most likely does feel exactly as she stated.  She wants exactly what she said... .in that moment.

Haven't you ever wanted something you didn't know how to get?

[patientandclear]

I completely get your frustration and disappointment, but "if they wanted to/they could" really doesn't reckon with the disordered nature of borderline thinking. I know my ex is searching hard for what to do and how to be to be happy. He's hurt a lot of people. He doesn't like that. But when he considers what to do in each individual moment, what to you and me might seem like safe healthy choices seem, to him, fraught with peril.

I'm not saying that understanding this makes it possible to have a good BPD r/s. Just that what's going on with your ex is more complicated than lack of will.

[Trog]

She doesn't know how.

She most likely does feel exactly as she stated.  She wants exactly what she said... .in that moment.

Haven't you ever wanted something you didn't know how to get?

Nope. If I want something badly enough, as she says she does and was as miserable as she says she is, I go for it or at least make some attempt, or plans, even if my move takes me just 1% closer to my goal, I make the effort to get to that 1%.

And even if its the case. Then why then give me the silent treatment over it.

[lbjnltx]

She doesn't know how.

She most likely does feel exactly as she stated.  She wants exactly what she said... .in that moment.

Haven't you ever wanted something you didn't know how to get?

Nope. If I want something badly enough, as she says she does and was as miserable as she says she is, I go for it or at least make some attempt, or plans, even if my move takes me just 1% closer to my goal, I make the effort to get to that 1%.

And even if its the case. Then why then give me the silent treatment over it.

Yes,  that is what a healthy person would do.

To be honest with you trog... .if I got the reply that you sent the healthiest option would be "no reply". 

[Trog]

She doesn't know how.

She most likely does feel exactly as she stated.  She wants exactly what she said... .in that moment.

Haven't you ever wanted something you didn't know how to get?

Nope. If I want something badly enough, as she says she does and was as miserable as she says she is, I go for it or at least make some attempt, or plans, even if my move takes me just 1% closer to my goal, I make the effort to get to that 1%.

And even if its the case. Then why then give me the silent treatment over it.

Yes,  that is what a healthy person would do.

To be honest with you trog... .if I got the reply that you sent the healthiest option would be "no reply". 

It was a test, I want to understand what is it? Lies or lack of gumption.

Seems it was hidden answer C

And im sorry, I dont think its healthy to be sending messages of undying love and then when questioned/called out to give the silent treatment. That's not exactly loving IMO.

[lbjnltx]

Absolutely right Trog.

Her actions weren't healthy, her decisions aren't healthy.

She is not healthy.

To expect her to have healthy thinking processes (reasoning) and to expect healthy resolution (on her part) sets you up as a Non for confusion, frustration, and ongoing drama.

All we can do is take care of our side of the fence.

What do you need to do for yourself to minimize the affects she (or anyone else) has on your own well being?

That is where your time and energy will serve you best... .focusing on self.

[Trog]

"What do you need to do for yourself to minimize the affects she (or anyone else) has on your own well being?"

Leave her behind.

Easy to say, clear as day to know in my head, I struggle to believe I will find someone else. That is what is keeping me stuck.

[lbjnltx]

"What do you need to do for yourself to minimize the affects she (or anyone else) has on your own well being?"

Leave her behind.

Easy to say, clear as day to know in my head, I struggle to believe I will find someone else. That is what is keeping me stuck.

Your decision to take care of self and leave her behind is a healthy decision for you. 

It is during this time, as you work through the grief of the loss of the relationship that you can learn about who you are, what you value, what you desire in life/relationships and grow in self confidence and self esteem.  Being in a r/s with an SO can surely degrade our self esteem and self confidence.

It is time to rebuild.  Remember Trog... .you are of worth, your feelings matter, and you deserve to be cared about.

I would encourage you to do some work on the Personal Inventory Board.

Focus on you... .you are worth it! Working on self is the hardest work we will ever do... .and it has the greatest rewards.

lbj

[Trog]

"What do you need to do for yourself to minimize the affects she (or anyone else) has on your own well being?"

Leave her behind.

Easy to say, clear as day to know in my head, I struggle to believe I will find someone else. That is what is keeping me stuck.

Your decision to take care of self and leave her behind is a healthy decision for you. 

It is during this time, as you work through the grief of the loss of the relationship that you can learn about who you are, what you value, what you desire in life/relationships and grow in self confidence and self esteem.  Being in a r/s with an SO can surely degrade our self esteem and self confidence.

It is time to rebuild.  Remember Trog... .you are of worth, your feelings matter, and you deserve to be cared about.

I would encourage you to do some work on the Personal Inventory Board.

Focus on you... .you are worth it! Working on self is the hardest work we will ever do... .and it has the greatest rewards.

lbj

Thankyou

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, Trog.   

It can certainly feel like you're being jerked around. Like lbj and patientandclear have said, that's not necessarily the intent. Borderlines feel and want things very intensely in the moment.

And im sorry, I dont think its healthy to be sending messages of undying love and then when questioned/called out to give the silent treatment. That's not exactly loving IMO.

It's not healthy behavior, and it doesn't feel good or loving on our end, for sure.

My exBPDbf has done the same thing. About 2 months ago, for instance, he sent me several loving emails and a long poem that he wrote about how all he wants is me and our souls are meant to be together, etc., etc. (Meanwhile, he's engaged - which I didn't know at the time.) Then he went completely silent and unresponsive again.

It's painful, it's confusing, it's unhealthy, it's heart-breaking. It can erode our self-esteem and keep us stuck in depression.

You deserve better. You deserve to have a life that builds you up and reflects your values and needs. You deserve authentic love and to be with people who make you feel good.

 

Working on self is the hardest work we will ever do... .and it has the greatest rewards.

[Infared]

I had a horrible ending in my relationship. I was lied to repeatedly and cheated on.

I endured a lot of pain... but I strived to take a higher road. I truly loved this person.

I used to respect this person. I no longer do. ... .but I never reduced my disappointment into calling names or demeaning her in the way that she did to me.

Telling someone that you supposedly love, that she is "pathetic" is probably not a good way to rebuild a relationship or part ways. It's just a damaging comment either way. Trust me... .I wanted to scream a lot of things at my ex... .I was in soo much pain... but I really tried to focus on the way "I" was behaving, because in the end... .that was all I had to walk way with.  Me. I at least wanted me to be someone that I was proud of even though I could not feel that way about the person that I had loved.

None of us are perfect. ... and I made my mistakes in my relationship... but I just want to point out (aside from anything she has said or done), that that is a very hurtful comment.

[Trog]

I had a horrible ending in my relationship. I was lied to repeatedly and cheated on.

I endured a lot of pain... but I strived to take a higher road. I truly loved this person.

I used to respect this person. I no longer do. ... .but I never reduced my disappointment into calling names or demeaning her in the way that she did to me.

Telling someone that you supposedly love, that she is "pathetic" is probably not a good way to rebuild a relationship or part ways. It's just a damaging comment either way. Trust me... .I wanted to scream a lot of things at my ex... .I was in soo much pain... but I really tried to focus on the way "I" was behaving, because in the end... .that was all I had to walk way with.  Me. I at least wanted me to be someone that I was proud of even though I could not feel that way about the person that I had loved.

None of us are perfect. ... and I made my mistakes in my relationship... but I just want to point out (aside from anything she has said or done), that that is a very hurtful comment.

Pathetic OR a liar. She can choose which fits best.

Sorry, my empathy is... .nowhere.

How dare I call a person who put me through a lifetime of pain pathetic. Don't beat me up.

[nowwhatz]

I had a horrible ending in my relationship. I was lied to repeatedly and cheated on.

I endured a lot of pain... but I strived to take a higher road. I truly loved this person.

I used to respect this person. I no longer do. ... .but I never reduced my disappointment into calling names or demeaning her in the way that she did to me.

Telling someone that you supposedly love, that she is "pathetic" is probably not a good way to rebuild a relationship or part ways. It's just a damaging comment either way. Trust me... .I wanted to scream a lot of things at my ex... .I was in soo much pain... but I really tried to focus on the way "I" was behaving, because in the end... .that was all I had to walk way with.  Me. I at least wanted me to be someone that I was proud of even though I could not feel that way about the person that I had loved.

None of us are perfect. ... and I made my mistakes in my relationship... but I just want to point out (aside from anything she has said or done), that that is a very hurtful comment.

Pathetic OR a liar. She can choose which fits best.

Sorry, my empathy is... .nowhere.

How dare I call a person who put me through a lifetime of pain pathetic. Don't beat me up.

Trog,

I can't imagine a lifetime of what you have gone through. For me 4 years seems like a lifetime. I don't think infared is trying to beat you up. After one of my particulary bad breakups with my exgf I went to town and called her a parasite and even listed out my predictions for her immediate future if she didn't get help.  All of my predictions came true. At that time in the same letter I also pledged my love for her blah blah... .all of which made an impact as she brought it up in future recycles and apologies.   In the big scheme it was a waste of time.

As for now, with less love and caring for her than I had in the past... .but stll hurting, it takes all the strength I have in my being not to lash out at her and tell her what she is in a letter, email or text.   I cannot even trust myself not to send such a note.

I made many mistakes and was no angel.   I hope and pray I can refrain from writing such a note.  Perhaps I will write it here on this board to get it off my chest.

Controlling drama/fear aside... .my exgf has said "I don't want to live" and threatened suicide

many times.   I take it seriously. Perhaps that is a contributing factor in keeping me from writing such a note.

Take care Trog!

[Infared]

I wasn't trying to beat you up... .or keep score... .I was trying to be helpful.

I apologize.

[Trog]

I wasn't trying to beat you up... .or keep score... .I was trying to be helpful.

I apologize.

No worries. I'm defensive but we're all here for the same reason. I do wish I could have had your control. I have, in the past, really laid into my ex because I do not respect her or understand the illness. Its a good job we are not together tbh.

[ripps]

Mine broke up with me suddenly out of nowhere at the beginning of January ... .In the morning. By night when she had to be alone she was texting me. Was it "I made such a mistake, I'm so sorry ... ."  No. It was "I don't like this. I don't like this one bit" over and over until I stupidly read between the lines that she wanted me back and took her back. Those words were all about her.

They are completely incapable of looking within themeselves / taking any responsibility.

[Infared]

I wasn't trying to beat you up... .or keep score... .I was trying to be helpful.

I apologize.

No worries. I'm defensive but we're all here for the same reason. I do wish I could have had your control. I have, in the past, really laid into my ex because I do not respect her or understand the illness. Its a good job we are not together tbh.

I did not know anything about this disease when my relationship ended.  I was in a lot of pain, and really, really sad when I realized she had been cheating on me. I was just heartbroken and so... so disappointed in her. I had a long talk with myself an decided that I really loved this person.  So... I thought... ."what do I do here if I love her, and she is cheating on me?".so I tried to get her to talk to me honestly about what was going on in an effort to get some kind of understanding about why it was happening. She denied it.  I did say that she was lying to me... .which was stating a fact, as I was absolutely sure that it was the case. She left our home immediately  and told me she needed "space"... . I was shocked and confused... .It was all just so abrupt.  So I did what she asked... I gave her her "space"... .of course it was killing me... .but I persevered. If someone you love asks you for something, you try to give it to them. Right?

Some may say that I was foolish... .But I was solid with my behavior... .I did talk to her a number of times... .but I eventually went no contact after she did a number of really cruel things... . It wasn't until sometime after that all went down that I found this website and everything started to fall into place... .everyone here helped me to understand what had happened.

[Infared]

Mine broke up with me suddenly out of nowhere at the beginning of January ... .In the morning. By night when she had to be alone she was texting me. Was it "I made such a mistake, I'm so sorry ... ."  No. It was "I don't like this. I don't like this one bit" over and over until I stupidly read between the lines that she wanted me back and took her back. Those words were all about her.

They are completely incapable of looking within themeselves / taking any responsibility.

WOW!... .sorry you have to go through this kind of behavior, too. That is just the kind of stuff I experienced... .probably what most of us experienced here.