ExBPDgf said she stole jewelry to hurt her ex-husband... what to make of this?

[nowwhatz]

Something that has puzzled me for over a year is my exgf's "confession" on how she got into trouble with the law.

When we got back together at the end of 2013 even I was surprised that she had been indicted on serious criminal charges. Bpd or not she comes from a very respectable, well educated family that she reveres... .so doing this crime was/is hard to understand.

At first the exgf told me she didn't steal the jewelry and that it was a "loan" that she was to pay back but did not.  Of course this didn't make any sense so I asked a lot of questions and finally she broke down in tears and said she did steal the jewelry "to hurt__________"  her ex-husband.

In Feb 2013 she and her ex-hb tried to make another go of it but it didn't work out almost immediatly. Around May to July 2013 is when she stole the jewelry.  At the end of Sept is when she contacted me to get back together.

Her exhb cheated on her several times over the years and left her. I understand their attempt to get back together didn't work out... .but is that reason for her to steal and risk her own freedom?

I have my best guesses why she did it but you know as much as I do now so I am interested in what your thoughts might be. 

Thank you.

[Sunfl0wer]

I don't know what to make of it but here is my thought... .

Stealing is a big red flag to me. 

It crosses a different line and goes into an area that I cannot understand.

Was it about control? Manipulation? Gaining power?  Idk.  I just think that stealing ups the bar and is in a worse category than the usual tools of BPD using emotional blackmail, etc.

(Not to minimize emotional blackmail and other destructive tools, not at all, those are difficult!  But I think stealing is in another level category... .Or maybe that is just me.)

I had a neighbor kid once steal the landlord keys and break into my apartment and several apartments.  He stole from me my sons toy car, a neighbors jewelry and other items of varying value.  When I told my therapist she cautioned me that this is NOT typical kid bad behavior but more in line with psychopathology as she warned that stealing from people you know is a bad sign, worse than had he broke into strangers homes.  He wasn't just stealing to sell stuff for drugs, but had some other motive.  I will always remember her caution about this and I would never take stealing lightly but as a sign of more deep troubles.

[nowwhatz]

Sunfl0wer,

Thanks.

This is a 43 year old women who had never been in any kind of trouble with the law, had a very good job with state certification. Nobody except maybe her ex-husband knows her as well as I do and I was very surprised. Only 1 family member, her oldest sister, knows what happened.

Naturally there was a lot of shame concerning this and I thought she would have to go to jail and would get deported... .but... .considering what she did she really got off easy.

This is my best guess now that some fog is lifting on what probably happened:

She is a master manipulator/survivor and uses her wit, intelligence, sex appeal and pitiful child-like victim persona to survive.

I believe when things didn't work out with the exhb try-again she panicked and stole the jewelry (or borrowed it in her mind) to have $ for a backup plan but spent it all in a casino.

After it all blew up (she got a pawn loan on the jewelry) the exhb was now enmeshed in this nightmare... .not being legally divorced yet in a community property state he had to pay one way or another. 

This bought her time. The exhb cashed out his retirement, her half paid for her legal fees... .about 20k.  She began cutting herself to survive and required overnight stays at the psych hospital. Bought more time.

He moved out of the apt and spent most time with his old gf.  Then she looked me up again... .as I am the "only guy who really loved her unconditionally."

I don't think she is a sociopath or anything close to that. Whatever she did to me follows the survival lifestyle, albeit extreme, of a BPD.   Nothing planned out, all done on the fly.

No excuses for her.  During our breakup I did mention that I had even overlooked and forgave her for these actions. This sent her into drama mode ... .she jumped up and said "how can you bring that up when you know how much it hurts me to talk about?"  Trying to guilt me.

She knew what she was doing like a fish knows how to swim.

I don't think she is a true "criminal" or a threat to society and the shame she lives with is horrifying but she knew what she was doing.

[tjay933]

imo-if she did this to her ex, what is she going to do to you and the next guy? imo. she needs serious therapy.

stay safe.

[Tim300]

imo-if she did this to her ex, what is she going to do to you and the next guy? imo. she needs serious therapy.

stay safe.

I agree.  Clearly she has difficult controlling her impulses and is vindictive.  Seems like when she switches people to black anything might be possible.  She may have traits of ASPD.  Not much need to analyze this further.  I would just stay away.  Keep NC (or LC if for some reason that would make you safer).

[Recooperating]

Hey nowwhat,

I found an old thread about BPD and stealing and it has your reply and I think your past self may have the answer to this question?

She stole from you too as I read in this thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=185887.0

People steal because they want something they cant afford on their own and want an easy "fix".  a nasty bad trait. BPDs steal because they lack impulse control, empathy, conciense and they want an easy fix... .It could also be a rush for them, a form of addiction to adrenaline while stealing.

[nowwhatz]

Hey nowwhat,

I found an old thread about BPD and stealing and it has your reply and I think your past self may have the answer to this question?

She stole from you too as I read in this thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=185887.0

People steal because they want something they cant afford on their own and want an easy "fix".  a nasty bad trait. BPDs steal because they lack impulse control, empathy, conciense and they want an easy fix... .It could also be a rush for them, a form of addiction to adrenaline while stealing.

Recooperating,

Thanks for putting up that thread! I had forgotten about the missing $$ from my house but I do remember the camcorder that went missing.    I cannot prove it 100% but that camcorder was in the same closet where she kept her things.  If I ever see her again maybe I will ask her about it.  I did not bring it up with her because I could not prove it.  Amazingly my friends have forgiven me (and her) for it.

Lacking impulse control and empathy explains a lot of things.  I am still appalled that my exgf was able to convince her son's young gf (the main breadwinner) in the apt to co-sign on a car loan at Drivetime of all places!  There are so many things wrong with that I don't have to list them here.

The exgf was supposed to be taking the bus to work and her son had everything set up bus routes etc.   I suppose if the car gets repossesed and the young girls' credit ruined that would be a form of stealing.

You know it is things like this that make it difficult to have compassion and not want to tell her to her face how much harm she has caused.  I guess going to superior court wasn't enough.

Oh almost forgot the $720 she was supposed to pay me back this year after she got a job... .the money I loaned her to get into her apt.    I gave her until the 15th to pay at least $150

I fully expect her to steal that.    Maybe at that time when she fails to deliver i will lay it on her about being a theif and cut my losses for good.

[nowwhatz]

imo-if she did this to her ex, what is she going to do to you and the next guy? imo. she needs serious therapy.

stay safe.

I don't know what she would have done to me. She knows I am not one to put up with her tricks indefinetly so probably nothing.

The exhb is still helping her!  He is religious and has a lot of guilt about cheating on her so she knows how to play him on that and his genuine concern for his stepson.

[tjay933]

i'm glad you are in a safe place. that's primary. 

[nowwhatz]

i'm glad you are in a safe place. that's primary. 

Thanks TJay!    has been a very rough weekend for me with all of these feelings but I am safe.