Dear G-d Please Help Me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For those who are not aware of my marriage/divorce situation, here's an update:  I'm still having to live in the same house with my BPD husband even though we are physically/intimately separated and I stay at a hotel or my mother's house much of the time.  We've been married for 16 years, together for 20.   We own a company together as well which makes our separation even more challenging.

Due to the bad weather/snow, I had to stay at our house for the last month because my office is in our home.  Since yesterday I've gotten a double dose of BPD insanity that has left me feeling so physically ill and depressed that I needed to come here for some support, laughter or anything positive. 

First dose:  We don't have a dishwasher anymore- haven't for about 8 years.  Nothing wrong with that.  I actually enjoyed doing the dishes each morning in the sunshine, watching the birds.  My husband constantly accused me of being insane because I must wash the dishes from right to left and said that I have OCD and that I need therapy for control issues. I've tried each time to show him and explain to him why it won't work any other way but he would leave the room and ignore me. Every day, he verbally insulted my dishwashing method.  The disposal is in the left sink, the soapy water in the right basin and the dish rack on the far left.  This right to left configuration worked for me because of our kitchen counter space, disposal, the water filter, the space, etc... .  He argued with me that I should never rinse off my dishes before putting them in soapy water and to just put the food and dishes in the soapy water on the disposal side and then rinse in the sink strainer side and then keep the rack to the far right.  One night while watching a TV show, someone had their drying rack on the right and he began lecturing me about how that proved that I'm wrong.  SO, last night, about to lose my mind, I caved and just calmly moved the rack, soaps, etc... and guess what?  He blew up at me and demanded I leave it the way it was. Oh no.  I wasn't about to move anything back.  I'd rather just adjust to a new method- counter-productive and counter intuitive as it is- than to hear him complaining about my OCD control issues every morning.   Keep in mind, he's never washed dishes.  I'm the only one who does and  I felt so crazy at that point that I forgot that his opinion shouldn't even matter since he never does dishes!  Oh dear G-d, the kitchen is a mess now.  We have no counter space and there's a whole host of inconveniences associated with this new arrangement. It may sound pathetic but it's  not and this isn't an isolated incident of insanity so, the compounded effects of his insane demands really take a toll of me.

Second dose:

We heat this house with wood.  We have a very nice modern woodstove that works very well.  Given the cold winter, I had to order an extra half cord of semi-green wood but that was ok with me because I knew I could chop it into one inch strips and dry it fairly quickly in front of the woodstove.  To mix it with our good seasoned wood would be fine.  SO, I set up a system where I would bring in a small load of green wood in a tote and keep it to the right side of the stove and move a few pieces to dry, to the front of the stove, and then stack the finished dry wood on the left side of the hearth while keeping the seasoned logs in the hearth rack located on the right.  The stove door opens on the right side so, for me to move the hearth log rack, used for the seasoned wood, to the left would be awkward and dangerous ( burns from the door). My husband attacked me about my system.  Yesterday he came in with a load of green wood and stacked it right where I normally stack the dried wood ( left hearth).  When I asked him why he was doing that and where I was going to stack the dried wood, he wouldn't say anything at all and got really ugly and defensive and once again, accused me of being OCD and needing mental help because I only work from right to left! He said he was going to do research on people who have to do things from right to left and what that reveals about their mental health. Maybe I'm insane?   I don't have an issue with a different arrangement but, tell me what the plan is and show me how it will work!   He never has any plan!  I'm just supposed to comply with his insane and illogical methods and not say anything, not question a thing about it.  I'm the one doing all the work but he's the one telling me what works and what doesn't.  SO, I caved once again and moved the wood and arranged it according to his method and now my living room looks like a saw mill.  I have piles of wood, canvas bags of wood and logs piled up in front of the TV, under a table, in the log rack.  This is difficult to describe in any believable fashion.  Please forgive me but I feel insane and so truly deflated and worn slam out from this and I can't even think straight.  I have no one to talk to to lighten my load at the moment.  I wish I could laugh about this but I can't.  I can't even cry.   

Just looking at him gives me the creeps.  I feel so violated, so dirty and gross.  He's also developed this creepy behavior in the last few months where he pretends to be rubbing his head, face and eyes all the time.  What I mean by pretend is that he doesn't rub it like a confident man who is just fondling his chin or beard.  It's like a limp handshake. he uses both of his hands and his hands are jerky ( not trembling) and they barely touch his face. He does this almost constantly now.  It's so weird to watch and I just want to scream and tell him to stop!   

[Leaving]

For those who are not aware of my marriage/divorce situation, here's an update:  I'm still having to live in the same house with my BPD husband even though we are physically/intimately separated and I stay at a hotel or my mother's house much of the time.  We've been married for 16 years, together for 20.   We own a company together as well which makes our separation even more challenging.

Due to the bad weather/snow, I had to stay at our house for the last month because my office is in our home.  Since yesterday I've gotten a double dose of BPD insanity that has left me feeling so physically ill and depressed that I needed to come here for some support, laughter or anything positive. 

First dose:  We don't have a dishwasher anymore- haven't for about 8 years.  Nothing wrong with that.  I actually enjoyed doing the dishes each morning in the sunshine, watching the birds.  My husband constantly accused me of being insane because I must wash the dishes from right to left and said that I have OCD and that I need therapy for control issues. I've tried each time to show him and explain to him why it won't work any other way but he would leave the room and ignore me. Every day, he verbally insulted my dishwashing method.  The disposal is in the left sink, the soapy water in the right basin and the dish rack on the far left.  This right to left configuration worked for me because of our kitchen counter space, disposal, the water filter, the space, etc... .  He argued with me that I should never rinse off my dishes before putting them in soapy water and to just put the food and dishes in the soapy water on the disposal side and then rinse in the sink strainer side and then keep the rack to the far right.  One night while watching a TV show, someone had their drying rack on the right and he began lecturing me about how that proved that I'm wrong.  SO, last night, about to lose my mind, I caved and just calmly moved the rack, soaps, etc... and guess what?  He blew up at me and demanded I leave it the way it was. Oh no.  I wasn't about to move anything back.  I'd rather just adjust to a new method- counter-productive and counter intuitive as it is- than to hear him complaining about my OCD control issues every morning.   Keep in mind, he's never washed dishes.  I'm the only one who does and  I felt so crazy at that point that I forgot that his opinion shouldn't even matter since he never does dishes!  Oh dear G-d, the kitchen is a mess now.  We have no counter space and there's a whole host of inconveniences associated with this new arrangement. It may sound pathetic but it's  not and this isn't an isolated incident of insanity so, the compounded effects of his insane demands really take a toll of me.

Second dose:

We heat this house with wood.  We have a very nice modern woodstove that works very well.  Given the cold winter, I had to order an extra half cord of semi-green wood but that was ok with me because I knew I could chop it into one inch strips and dry it fairly quickly in front of the woodstove.  To mix it with our good seasoned wood would be fine.  SO, I set up a system where I would bring in a small load of green wood in a tote and keep it to the right side of the stove and move a few pieces to dry, to the front of the stove, and then stack the finished dry wood on the left side of the hearth while keeping the seasoned logs in the hearth rack located on the right.  The stove door opens on the right side so, for me to move the hearth log rack, used for the seasoned wood, to the left would be awkward and dangerous ( burns from the door). My husband attacked me about my system.  Yesterday he came in with a load of green wood and stacked it right where I normally stack the dried wood ( left hearth).  When I asked him why he was doing that and where I was going to stack the dried wood, he wouldn't say anything at all and got really ugly and defensive and once again, accused me of being OCD and needing mental help because I only work from right to left! He said he was going to do research on people who have to do things from right to left and what that reveals about their mental health. Maybe I'm insane?   I don't have an issue with a different arrangement but, tell me what the plan is and show me how it will work!   He never has any plan!  I'm just supposed to comply with his insane and illogical methods and not say anything, not question a thing about it.  I'm the one doing all the work but he's the one telling me what works and what doesn't.  SO, I caved once again and moved the wood and arranged it according to his method and now my living room looks like a saw mill.  I have piles of wood, canvas bags of wood and logs piled up in front of the TV, under a table, in the log rack.  This is difficult to describe in any believable fashion.  Please forgive me but I feel insane and so truly deflated and worn slam out from this and I can't even think straight.  I have no one to talk to to lighten my load at the moment.  I wish I could laugh about this but I can't.  I can't even cry.   

Just looking at him gives me the creeps.  I feel so violated, so dirty and gross.  He's also developed this creepy behavior in the last few months where he pretends to be rubbing his head, face and eyes all the time.  What I mean by pretend is that he doesn't rub it like a confident man who is just fondling his chin or beard.  It's like a limp handshake. he uses both of his hands and his hands are jerky ( not trembling) and they barely touch his face. He does this almost constantly now.  It's so weird to watch and I just want to scream and tell him to stop!   

[tjay933]

i'm so sorry you are in this position. i know how you feel-danged if you do and danged if you don't. very frustrating. will this last long with you in the house? if not, then at least you have a date in mind to keep counting the days down? kind of like being in prison(so I'm told). take it one day at a time until they open the gate and you are free. by all means, vent here. i find it therapeutic to do so. kind of clears the mind. i got in trouble too with doing the dishes my way instead of his. it was the last straw for me as that was the only thing i was up to then allowed to do my way and even that was too much of selfishness on my part in his opinion. they are very control oriented. can you go for lots of walks and listen to the birds. get some seed for them and a chair outside to watch them eat? very relaxing. i've often thought how nice it would be to be a bird-no BPDs. i like crows, they are always mischevious and fun to pull pranks on. i find pleasure in the simple things. sea gulls are also fun but very dumb birds. they freak out when you follow them! try it, it freaks them out.

stay safe and sane.   

[Leaving]

i'm so sorry you are in this position. i know how you feel-danged if you do and danged if you don't. very frustrating. will this last long with you in the house? if not, then at least you have a date in mind to keep counting the days down? kind of like being in prison(so I'm told). take it one day at a time until they open the gate and you are free. by all means, vent here. i find it therapeutic to do so. kind of clears the mind. i got in trouble too with doing the dishes my way instead of his. it was the last straw for me as that was the only thing i was up to then allowed to do my way and even that was too much of selfishness on my part in his opinion. they are very control oriented. can you go for lots of walks and listen to the birds. get some seed for them and a chair outside to watch them eat? very relaxing. i've often thought how nice it would be to be a bird-no BPDs. i like crows, they are always mischevious and fun to pull pranks on. i find pleasure in the simple things. sea gulls are also fun but very dumb birds. they freak out when you follow them! try it, it freaks them out.

stay safe and sane.   

TJ,

Isn't it strange how the simplest things like doing dishes become the only thing we enjoy?  I've heard this from other people in abusive relationships as well.  It's like it's that one place where we can actually feel productive and alive and creative.  I guess I don't have that now either.  My husband killed everything positive in my life including my dogs.  He hated anyone or anything that made me happy.

I love feeding the birds but I don't do that at ' our' house anymore.  My husband took that over as well.  I don't even try. Birds are wonderful creatures.  I have lots of doves and they are sort of dumb birds too but oh are they so truly devoted to their mates and babies.  I have beautiful eagles, osprey and hawks as well.

I am working on getting out of here.  I don't live here very often.  We sort of switch on and off at times depending on our work situation.  We can't afford two places and so I've been renting a cheap apt in a motel some of the month and staying with my mother who is also BPD and frankly, not sure I can handle her much longer either.  I allowed myself to become too isolated for the last ten or so years and haven't a single friend left in the world and no family other than my mother.  Out of sheer desperation, I contacted her after many years because I needed a backup place to stay besides the women's shelter.  I dream and pray every day for a job that will afford me the freedom to have my own place with a yard.  I feel so trapped in an insane world at the moment.  I know it will pass and you're right about getting away and walking.  I can't wait for spring and warmer weather.

Seagulls are vicious birds! Definitely not shy.  I've never tried following one but I once fell asleep on the beach and woke up surrounded by hundreds around me who were after my sandwich.  When I tried to move they started attacking me!  A nice couple saw me and ran down the beach and scared them off.  I don't trust seagulls anymore. 

[Suzn]

What about paper plates and sandwiches? 

I don't know if you've read about the DEARMAN technique but it may be helpful in these situations.

It's here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

Once the snow subsides maybe checking into a meetup at meetup.com to find a friend or two. You just search your area for groups on their site. I'm sorry you're feeling alone in this, that's a hard spot to be in.    We're here for you.

[tjay933]

i also enjoy the simple things. and being productively inclined too. if its cold, just go for a short walk-walking in the snow can be very refreshing. take your seed with you to a local pile of snow to sit on. mine didn't like anything that gave me pleasure but i kept the plants despite his best efforts to convince me they were bad for him. i guess our seagulls aren't as aggressive as yours or maybe we just don't have them in packs-we do have murders of crows thought-start feeling like hitchcocks birds some days-sure they filmed around our crows here cause they are thousands upon thousands all at the same time (i don't play with those ones). if i look at a seagull, it starts to walk away, if i follow it, it starts to zigzag, if i continue it starts running but they are so lazy they won't fly until they are really freaked out by you. all the time they are looking forward then behind as if they can't believe this person is following them. of course i can only imagine how it looks if someone were to see me following birds around a parking lot. maybe he is right-am i crazy? crows are more fun. i see ahead where they are in my path and pretend i don't see them until i am 2-3 ft away then turn sharply and glare right at them! they fall off their perch-literally! hilarious! do have to watch they don't bomb me after though.

if you want creative and productive try knitting dish cloths. easy and fun 

[Leaving]

What about paper plates and sandwiches? 

I don't know if you've read about the DEARMAN technique but it may be helpful in these situations.

It's here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

Once the snow subsides maybe checking into a meetup at meetup.com to find a friend or two. You just search your area for groups on their site. I'm sorry you're feeling alone in this, that's a hard spot to be in.    We're here for you.

Suzn,

Paper plates and sandwiches would not work because he would accuse me of being an anti-environmentalist and wasting his money.  However, it's ok if HE chooses to abuse the environment.  It's not about dishes.  He likes to control me in any way that he can- even if he looks like a fool doing so. His entire life is about finding something to obsess on and then accuse me of being mentally ill.  So, his latest obsession is about me doing things from right to left.  Too bad I can't  blame that on being dyslexic or Jewish/Hebrew but I cant. It's not about MY preferences, I work that way because of because of the way that the situation presents itself. I can't switch sinks and sprayers and garbage disposals, etc... I can't switch the way the woodstove door opens.

I read about the DEARMAN technique.  Unfortunately, communication with my husband is ignored unless I become extremely angry and THEN he notices because he can accuse me of being abusive. I can't communicate the simplest of things with him that most people take for granted.  " hey, would you mind picking up some bread on the way home?" causes him to resent me and he will deliberately come home with bags of cookies and chips and no bread and then tell me that I should have gotten it myself.   My husband does not respond to effective communication with me because he's blinded by emotional baggage and cannot reason on any level most of the time. He may have some cognitive issue as well.  As soon as I start talking, a switch goes off in his brain and I become invisible. If ANYONE confronts him, he turns them off immediately.  He has been through several therapists for this reason.  He's also got NPD.  His emotions drive him, not any form of reason or logic. I definitely feel as though I'm on a psych ward with delusional and psychotic men named Jekyll and Hyde.  It's a horrific situation.  I have been seeing therapists at the women's shelter and another therapist and they have taught me how to protect myself and de-escalate him when necessary but even that can be quite challenging. I'm just so tired of this.  So sick of it!  I have no patience for it at all anymore.  I forgot about the Meetups!  THANK YOU for that suggestion!  It's those types of suggestions that I need- practical and doable.  I feel so truly ignorant and unsocialized that I just don't think of things.  Any suggestions anyone can offer are greatly welcomed and appreciated.

[Leaving]

i also enjoy the simple things. and being productively inclined too. if its cold, just go for a short walk-walking in the snow can be very refreshing. take your seed with you to a local pile of snow to sit on. mine didn't like anything that gave me pleasure but i kept the plants despite his best efforts to convince me they were bad for him. i guess our seagulls aren't as aggressive as yours or maybe we just don't have them in packs-we do have murders of crows thought-start feeling like hitchcocks birds some days-sure they filmed around our crows here cause they are thousands upon thousands all at the same time (i don't play with those ones). if i look at a seagull, it starts to walk away, if i follow it, it starts to zigzag, if i continue it starts running but they are so lazy they won't fly until they are really freaked out by you. all the time they are looking forward then behind as if they can't believe this person is following them. of course i can only imagine how it looks if someone were to see me following birds around a parking lot. maybe he is right-am i crazy? crows are more fun. i see ahead where they are in my path and pretend i don't see them until i am 2-3 ft away then turn sharply and glare right at them! they fall off their perch-literally! hilarious! do have to watch they don't bomb me after though.

if you want creative and productive try knitting dish cloths. easy and fun 

Hi TJ,

Despite your circumstances, you have found so many creative ways to reap joy. I'm sorry that your husband resnts the joy in your life. What a sad existence it must be for someone to want to create unhappiness in their relationships.  I can't imagine wanting such a thing of finding any comfort in hurting others but, that's they way my husband is as well.  I could see you in the snow, walking with the gulls.  It sounds wonderful and thank you for the suggestions.  I had not thought about carrying seed with me to the park!  What a wonderful idea.  I will do that today. The birds are so happy now because it has warmed up and the sun came out yesterday. 

I have the same issue with the crows and blackbirds.  I live near a marsh so the redwing blackbirds and crows fly together quite often and I have pictures of my yard being completely covered by thousands of them.  If I wave my hand, they all fly off at once and the sound is incredible!  I can't help but wonder if all those crows are are not a sign of impending doom or death!  Perhaps they are symbols of the spiritual death that I have suffered in my marriage? 

Nature is my solitude and the only place where I feel connected with love and safe.  I spend a lot of time in nature.  Maybe I could find a local nature group that likes to hike or bird watch.  After reading the suggestions that you and Suzn have provided, my mental fog is lifting and I'm thinking about all sorts of things I can do.  It's truly sad and scary how stress and trauma drama can turn our brains into mush. 

[Notwendy]

I'm usually on the staying board, but your post reminded me of something I experienced with my mother (w BPD).

Once she wanted one of my kids to take the trash out for her. Kid was busy, so I told her I would do it. She pitched a fit saying that she wanted the grandchild to do it, not me. I thought that was odd, since, if the point is to get the trash out, then why care who does it. I said no, kid is busy and grabbed the trash.

She followed me out to the curb, where the trash is left to be picked up, and proceeded to instruct me exacly how to put the trash at the curb, where to put it- down to the inch. This of course is ridiculous, because all that is necessary to get the trash out is to put it where the trash collector can see it and get to it easily.

All this over a bag of trash.

But it was not really about the trash. Sure, she wanted the trash out, but that didn't fulfil the other needs- validation and attention from the grandchild, anger at me for doing it, and a need to control both me and grandchild.

It really doesn't matter how you do the dishes. Your H is nitpicking for another reason- control, projection, blame- which is why the same complaint is "proven" via the dishes, the wood. It could also be gaslighting. When you defend yourself to him (JADE) it invalidates him- makes him feel worse. However, it also validates his accusation to you, and reinforces his behavior because it gets to you. I can understand why hearing this can get to your sense of reality. I hope that you can stay focused on the idea of projection- that what he is saying says more about him than you.

[Leaving]

I'm usually on the staying board, but your post reminded me of something I experienced with my mother (w BPD).

Once she wanted one of my kids to take the trash out for her. Kid was busy, so I told her I would do it. She pitched a fit saying that she wanted the grandchild to do it, not me. I thought that was odd, since, if the point is to get the trash out, then why care who does it. I said no, kid is busy and grabbed the trash.

She followed me out to the curb, where the trash is left to be picked up, and proceeded to instruct me exacly how to put the trash at the curb, where to put it- down to the inch. This of course is ridiculous, because all that is necessary to get the trash out is to put it where the trash collector can see it and get to it easily.

All this over a bag of trash.

But it was not really about the trash. Sure, she wanted the trash out, but that didn't fulfil the other needs- validation and attention from the grandchild, anger at me for doing it, and a need to control both me and grandchild.

It really doesn't matter how you do the dishes. Your H is nitpicking for another reason- control, projection, blame- which is why the same complaint is "proven" via the dishes, the wood. It could also be gaslighting. When you defend yourself to him (JADE) it invalidates him- makes him feel worse. However, it also validates his accusation to you, and reinforces his behavior because it gets to you. I can understand why hearing this can get to your sense of reality. I hope that you can stay focused on the idea of projection- that what he is saying says more about him than you.

Thanks for sharing that information and your perspective. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense and puts it all into perspective.  I can definitely relate to your story about the trash and oh my gosh, the drama is just so insane, draining and SO unnecessary.   The harm these people do to children is just downright cruel. My mother is also BPD/NPD and I'm beginning to think her mother was too.  How did you cope living with your mother?  You sound so healthy and strong and wise.  Do you still allow your children to be around her?  I don't have kids but my brother does and I worry so much about them being around our mother.

Interesting that you mentioned gaslighting because during all this crazymaking the last two days, that term came to mind.  I remember one moment when it seemed clear that he was deliberately trying to confuse me and the even crazier thing was that he was confusing himself and rubbing his head and face and becoming angry. I thought in that moment he was ' splitting'.   I silently prayed for strength and guidance and kept hearing my therapists words about him NEEDING to fight with me or in some cases, just create drama in order to get his ' fix' and that I need to de-escalate him.  You're very right about not trying to defend my thoughts or feelings or anything else.  Relating this way requires immense maturity, control and a very thick skin.  It's like a mother managing their 2 year old's tantrums.   It's tough and I think what bothers me the most is when I cave and comply with his insanity and do insane things like how the dishes and wood were set up, I feel like I'm devaluing myself again and allowing him to steal another normal thing from my life.  I've been doing this for so many years and I'm tapped out.  The only 'normal' thing I had left was doing my dishes and he knew it because I would often tell him that it was  my morning meditation.   Years ago a counselor told me to never share what makes me happy or secure with him because he'll use it to harm me in some way.  I should have left then but I stayed and now I'm in so deep it's even more work trying to get out. Thanks again for your very helpful insight.

[Notwendy]

To answer the question about living with my mother- no, I have not lived at home since I left for college, however I have maintained contact with her and had ( he is deceased) a good relationship with my father. We did visit them. As the kids got older, she became more manipulative with them to do things for her.

I kept strict boundaries around her and the kids. One was that she was not to be alone with them when they were to young to defend themselves from her moods. Since she and my father were together on visits, that was not usually an issue. Many friends of mine would have their parents babysit so they could go on trips, but I didn't do this. If my parents were visiting and I had to go somewhere- like to work, I had a sitter come in to help. This was also appropriate since, as they got older, they had less energy to be active with kids for a long period of time.

Now that they are older- still young, but old enough to have cell phones and computers, I have lessened the boundaries a bit. One is that they have strong boundaries, and dealing with mom is good practice for dealing with people with poor boundaries. The other is that since she didn't raise them, they don't have the emotional baggage I had nor can she get to them emotionally. Also, they are well aware of her condition and issues.

I didn't discuss boundaries with my mother. First, to let her know that I had them and why, would result in a huge dissociative rage as she is not generally accountable for her behavior or how she raised me. Since my kids are in contact with other family members, it is easy for my mother to get ahold of their e mail addresses and phone numbers. She loves the idea that she can do this "behind my back", but the kids and I both know that she has them. She has called them on occasion, but they know how to handle it.

I wish you the stregth to find some bit of inner peace during this difficult time with you, and to hang on to your own reality in the face of his accusations. Also do the dishes however you want, and if he accuses you of having OCD to acknowlege it but not defend it. A simple " I hear you, and now, I am going to do the dishes".

[Leaving]

To answer the question about living with my mother- no, I have not lived at home since I left for college, however I have maintained contact with her and had ( he is deceased) a good relationship with my father. We did visit them. As the kids got older, she became more manipulative with them to do things for her.

I kept strict boundaries around her and the kids. One was that she was not to be alone with them when they were to young to defend themselves from her moods. Since she and my father were together on visits, that was not usually an issue. Many friends of mine would have their parents babysit so they could go on trips, but I didn't do this. If my parents were visiting and I had to go somewhere- like to work, I had a sitter come in to help. This was also appropriate since, as they got older, they had less energy to be active with kids for a long period of time.

Now that they are older- still young, but old enough to have cell phones and computers, I have lessened the boundaries a bit. One is that they have strong boundaries, and dealing with mom is good practice for dealing with people with poor boundaries. The other is that since she didn't raise them, they don't have the emotional baggage I had nor can she get to them emotionally. Also, they are well aware of her condition and issues.

I didn't discuss boundaries with my mother. First, to let her know that I had them and why, would result in a huge dissociative rage as she is not generally accountable for her behavior or how she raised me. Since my kids are in contact with other family members, it is easy for my mother to get ahold of their e mail addresses and phone numbers. She loves the idea that she can do this "behind my back", but the kids and I both know that she has them. She has called them on occasion, but they know how to handle it.

I wish you the stregth to find some bit of inner peace during this difficult time with you, and to hang on to your own reality in the face of his accusations. Also do the dishes however you want, and if he accuses you of having OCD to acknowlege it but not defend it. A simple " I hear you, and now, I am going to do the dishes".

Thank you for the healthy wishes and I WILL indeed heed your advice.  It's nice to know someone else understands what I'm dealing with.

I left home after HS graduation and didn't return.  At the time, I knew something was uncomfortable about my home life but I wasn't aware of any personality disorder. Mom always blamed my ' issues' on my dad and actually I didn't have any issues that mom suggested I had. She started conditioning me to believe that I was flawed by him from the very beginning in order to cover her own guilt.   In a twisted irony, a suspicious counselor of mine suddenly invited my mother to a therapy session and the sh** hit the fan.  My mother was in full blown NPD/BPD form that day and the counselor threw her out and told me to stay away from her. She said, ' Your mother is dangerous and will ruin your life'  The counselor suspected all along that my mother was NPD and had brainwashed me, manipulated me and so forth but she wanted to see it for herself.   I severed all ties with my mother a few times, the first being in 1989 and I didn't talk to her at all for several years.  Second time, same thing and just recently I contacted her because I was so desperate for a safe place to stay and a place to keep my valuables. In a strange way, it's good I went back and refreshed my memory.  The water is still toxic and I won't jump in.  I thought maybe she would have improved but she's actually worse now than ever before and I know it's not all my perception.

Your comments about why you didn't set boundaries with your mother were a G-d send to me today.  I've been struggling with HOW to set them with my mother now.  I'm doing alright and actually feel very separate and detached from her emotionally but I think she would react like your mother if I said anything too specific and direct  that would threaten her ego.  In fact, I know she would because she's done it before.  My mom will even scream to the top of her lungs like in a horror movie.

I dream of waking up in my own home, with a dog, a garden and lots of sunshine.  I dream about freedom.   

[tjay933]

I dream of waking up in my own home, with a dog, a garden and lots of sunshine.  I dream about freedom.   

sounds wonderful and I know you will get it. 

[Notwendy]

I'm glad I could help. I understand how being raised like that can create problems in relationships and lead to you losing your sense of self. I think it is difficult to be in close proximity during a separation phase as this is triggering to him. I am sure you are aware of having an escape plan- a change of clothes, money for a hotel, etc, tucked away in your car in case you feel any sense of danger. I'm glad you have access to therapy. Hopefully the nice weather will come soon and you can find some more time to be out of the home.