I don't know my exBPDgf anymore

[antonio1213]

I don't even know this person anymore. She was 'SO in love' with me for so long. And our r/s was so intense and now she is nothing but bitter against me. She absolutely hates me, talks terribly about me to my family (until they made her stop). This is a month or two after she was really close to them too. Telling them how happy she is in her life and with her new bf, how terrible I was, blaming everything on me, talking badly about me etc. She is probably telling everyone how terrible I was to her and enjoying her new bf.

a

I go NC from day 1, haven't talked to her since. I am not even in her life anymore. I haven't done ANYTHING wrong and yet she is blaming everything on me. I know me instantly going NC was something she didn't like. But I am not in the wrong…right?

She always had a terrible anger side but I never saw her doing this to me or my family, especially with how close me and her were. I don't even recognize her anymore. She is a completely different person than the one I knew.

[Tim300]

I hear ya.  It seems like a common idea here is "I didn't even know this person who I was so close with for X years."  It is heartbreaking to read about this when someone was married for 10+ years.  Fortunately I only lost 2.5 years.

Given that she has BPD I highly doubt that you are in the wrong for going NC, but it can depend on the circumstances. 

[jhkbuzz]

I don't even know this person anymore. She was 'SO in love' with me for so long. And our r/s was so intense and now she is nothing but bitter against me. She absolutely hates me, talks terribly about me to my family (until they made her stop). This is a month or two after she was really close to them too. Telling them how happy she is in her life and with her new bf, how terrible I was, blaming everything on me, talking badly about me etc. She is probably telling everyone how terrible I was to her and enjoying her new bf.

a

I go NC from day 1, haven't talked to her since. I am not even in her life anymore. I haven't done ANYTHING wrong and yet she is blaming everything on me. I know me instantly going NC was something she didn't like. But I am not in the wrong…right?

She always had a terrible anger side but I never saw her doing this to me or my family, especially with how close me and her were. I don't even recognize her anymore. She is a completely different person than the one I knew.

I'm so sorry for your pain... .it sucks, I know.  I think one of the hardest realizations for me was understanding that I never really knew this person that I was in love with, for years.

It's not you.  The only option to n/c is... .contact, which would bring all the blazing anger and abuse into your life.  That's not a healthy option for you.

It's a mental illness, my friend.  Incomprehensible and awful.

[raisins3142]

They do not want others to really know them because then they feel they would be rejected for who they really are, which would be even worse than being rejected for the facade and more likely to occur so they feel.

[sun seeker]

 Hey all

Yep I agree. All the time , energy and mental anguish and we never knew our ex's just plain blows. What kinda helps me is the thought , how could I know someone who has no idea who they are.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello Antonio,

 I can completely relate to what you are going through.  When my quiet dBPDex left me I did not recognize the woman that I had spent every single day and night with for two years.  For 5 weeks she was in what was in my opinion a psychotic episode.  Complete change of personality, going on a month long bender, partying in the middle of the week on work nights, quitting her job with no notice and without having another confirmed, emptying her bank accounts and pawning most of her stuff to get by, forgetting she had a cat which I ended up caring for for the next few months.  Once she found somebody new to latch onto she mirrored them and loved things she hated only weeks before.  It is crazy.

If NC is good for your health, then it is right.  Focus on you.  This person chose to leave your life so try not to worry about their needs.  I know it is hard because over the good times with a BPD such a strong attachment can be formed by us nons.

Since my dBPDex left me I have seen her go through such erratic behaviors that it is hard to explain, some things you have to see to believe.  These people are tragically lost.  You don't know who they are because they don't know who they are.  I have found the best thing I can do is keep my distance and if I must interact with my pwBPD then I take the path of kindness.  These are not healthy people, there is no sense in my mind in adding to their turmoil.  Try not to take the hatred personally, as hard as that is.  This is a serious mental illness.

[sun seeker]

 Reluctant

  Awesome post.  Seems like you have a firm grasp on this 

[saintjude]

They do not want others to really know them because then they feel they would be rejected for who they really are, which would be even worse than being rejected for the facade and more likely to occur so they feel.

Yes. ^^^^^^

[jhkbuzz]

Hey all

Yep I agree. All the time , energy and mental anguish and we never knew our ex's just plain blows. What kinda helps me is the thought , how could I know someone who has no idea who they are.

That ^ reminds me of something my therapist said to me when I was struggling with the degree to which she lied to me.

(Speaking as my ex):

"How can I be honest with you when I can't even be honest with myself?"

[apollotech]

They do not want others to really know them because then they feel they would be rejected for who they really are, which would be even worse than being rejected for the facade and more likely to occur so they feel.

"If a person gets cancer, the cancer is not the person. If a person is allicted with BPD, BPD IS the person." Right out of a board certified, well-seasoned/experienced T's mouth.

[jhkbuzz]

They do not want others to really know them because then they feel they would be rejected for who they really are, which would be even worse than being rejected for the facade and more likely to occur so they feel.

"If a person gets cancer, the cancer is not the person. If a person is allicted with BPD, BPD IS the person." Right out of a board certified, well-seasoned/experienced T's mouth.

Yes ^^^^  And once you can really begin to accept that, malignant hope begins to fade, and you can begin to heal and move on with your life.

[Infared]

I don't even know this person anymore. She was 'SO in love' with me for so long. And our r/s was so intense and now she is nothing but bitter against me. She absolutely hates me, talks terribly about me to my family (until they made her stop). This is a month or two after she was really close to them too. Telling them how happy she is in her life and with her new bf, how terrible I was, blaming everything on me, talking badly about me etc. She is probably telling everyone how terrible I was to her and enjoying her new bf.

a

I go NC from day 1, haven't talked to her since. I am not even in her life anymore. I haven't done ANYTHING wrong and yet she is blaming everything on me. I know me instantly going NC was something she didn't like. But I am not in the wrong…right?

She always had a terrible anger side but I never saw her doing this to me or my family, especially with how close me and her were. I don't even recognize her anymore. She is a completely different person than the one I knew.

Antonio, I think that most of us here have experienced this radical change in our BPD ex's behavior.  Perhaps in your case the lashing out could be triggered by your "perceived" abandonment. In my case she was having an affair with a new supply, was connecting to his personality and devaluing mine. She played victim to be rescued by new per sure and of course there had to be a villain. Me. It's all a self-centered manipulation on their part. If preplanning and going out of your way to cause someone emotional pain is showing your hatred, then mine really hated me (painted black), too...

These situations are extremely abnormal, as we are dealing with a mentally ill person. Be easy on yourself, as initially we are in so much emotional pain and confusion it is difficult to understand what is going on. We did not know the person that we were with.  The immediate connection to someone else and the blaming are all part of her illness. What better way not to look at herself! Those behaviors also solidly put the person with BPD in the role of victim.

It has nothing to do with you. It's her illness. On a good day I can have inner empathy for her, on a bad day I resent the way that I was treated. On any day I make sure that I have absolutely no contact with her, though... .that became poison to my soul. There was nothing I could do to change it.

[DyingLove]

I don't even know this person anymore. She was 'SO in love' with me for so long. And our r/s was so intense and now she is nothing but bitter against me. She absolutely hates me, talks terribly about me to my family (until they made her stop). This is a month or two after she was really close to them too. Telling them how happy she is in her life and with her new bf, how terrible I was, blaming everything on me, talking badly about me etc. She is probably telling everyone how terrible I was to her and enjoying her new bf.

a

I go NC from day 1, haven't talked to her since. I am not even in her life anymore. I haven't done ANYTHING wrong and yet she is blaming everything on me. I know me instantly going NC was something she didn't like. But I am not in the wrong…right?

She always had a terrible anger side but I never saw her doing this to me or my family, especially with how close me and her were. I don't even recognize her anymore. She is a completely different person than the one I knew.

AMEN Antonio!  I'll be going thru the NC soon.  I can't see anything wrong that you did.  I'm getting the same BITTERNESS. (never ever ever thought it would happen either after 4 years) SHe blames herself and turns it on blaming me.  Enough to make a monkey scratch it's head!  Hang in there Brother, it's gotta get better.  We gotta get them OUT of our heads.  Move on, start a business, do something new!

[downwhim]

Antonio,

I feel the same way. After 8 years I do not know my exBPD fiancé anymore either. Almost 5 months N/C. It has been hard. I have him blocked on email which is his favorite way to communicate. We are no longer bonded and I feel he is in the past now though I still think of him everyday.

It is all weird but part of the process to healing. Just remember her new r/s will not last either so don't over glorify it.

Hang in there and stay N/C. It is the only way to get through this ordeal. 

[raisins3142]

I think many of us had what the heck moments along the way where we questioned whether we understood this person. For instance when my ex told me she did not swerve at all to avoid animals in the road! I was flabbergasted.

[Infared]

I think many of us had what the heck moments along the way where we questioned whether we understood this person. For instance when my ex told me she did not swerve at all to avoid animals in the road! I was flabbergasted.

WOW! That was telling!

(mine was EXACTLY the opposite. Her favorite place was the zoo.  It's people that she has trouble with!  )

[apollotech]

They do not want others to really know them because then they feel they would be rejected for who they really are, which would be even worse than being rejected for the facade and more likely to occur so they feel.

"If a person gets cancer, the cancer is not the person. If a person is allicted with BPD, BPD IS the person." Right out of a board certified, well-seasoned/experienced T's mouth.

Yes ^^^^  And once you can really begin to accept that, malignant hope begins to fade, and you can begin to heal and move on with your life.

Antonio,

You actually do know her. You have met her. I am not sure that you are willing to accept her. She is not who she presented herself to be in the initial stage of the relationship. But, at the same time, the person that she presented as herself during idealization is indeed a manifestation of her, her illness. She is not that person, the person that you want her to be. The person that she actually is is toxic. That is her. jhkbuzz is right on point: the quicker that you accept that as her, the quicker you can move forward. As he said, the hope begins to fade (your emotional reality is suppressed) and intellectual/cognitive realty replaces it. This is what's referred to as "coming out of the F.O.G." Until the intellect takes command you simply cannot view the situation objectively.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

What I've learned:

The higher you've been (idealization) the further you plummet (disregulation). It may take YEARS to be able to get back on your feet again.

Once the r/s cracks begin to show, they are followed by larger pieces of your confidence, spirit, and soul breaking off of you.

You absolutely cannot "go back" to how it was at the start. Like the theory of time travel, it may work on paper, but not in reality.

You are forever changed by a r/s with a BPD. The only people who can understand are those nons who have endured the same outcome - a failed r/s , solely because of the BPD.

[antelope]

"If a person gets cancer, the cancer is not the person. If a person is afflicted with BPD, BPD IS the person." Right out of a board certified, well-seasoned/experienced T's mouth.

^^the importance of this idea cannot be understated... .

I'll add this:  personality disorder is actually a misnomer... .it's best to think of it as a disordered personality

[Heldfast]

I still kind of check in on mine, a week shy of three months out. She has changed her political views online, and also now likes things she previously ranted about hating (the movie Dark Shadows, which she hated is now one of her favorites... .probably the replacements favorite, what do I know. The more I understand about BPD, the easier it gets to move on, to forgive, to feel less for her. But the whole experience has definitely been surreal, and some days feels unreal. BUt she does not speak to me at all, has hidden her entire life from me, went from being a university professor in the Caribbean to being a staff writer for a company in Seattle and has been in an active relationship with her ex from seven years ago since pretty much the day she left me. Nothing but lies on the way out. I don't think I ever knew her really at all, and a number, almost all, of her former friends here, feel the same way. We all feel like we got conned.

[raisins3142]

I still kind of check in on mine, a week shy of three months out. She has changed her political views online, and also now likes things she previously ranted about hating (the movie Dark Shadows, which she hated is now one of her favorites... .probably the replacements favorite, what do I know. The more I understand about BPD, the easier it gets to move on, to forgive, to feel less for her. But the whole experience has definitely been surreal, and some days feels unreal. BUt she does not speak to me at all, has hidden her entire life from me, went from being a university professor in the Caribbean to being a staff writer for a company in Seattle and has been in an active relationship with her ex from seven years ago since pretty much the day she left me. Nothing but lies on the way out. I don't think I ever knew her really at all, and a number, almost all, of her former friends here, feel the same way. We all feel like we got conned.

Just remembered when my ex saw my pick up truck.  She said it was her favorite vehicle (that exact make and model) and that she always wanted one.  Just more mirroring.