Is there ever a "right" time to leave?

[SusanBB]

I keep waiting for the "right" time.  I'm realizing it's never coming. After years of DBT, couples therapy, and a lot of my own therapy, this is never going to get more than marginally better.  The rages, instability, poor impulse control, and blame have gotten the best of me.  I want out.  It's been 13 years of marriage, and very few of those years have been manageable.

Yet I keep waiting.  For what?  There is clearly no good time to leave.

[Mutt]

Hi SusanBB,  

I keep waiting for the "right" time.  I'm realizing it's never coming.

Yet I keep waiting.  For what?  There is clearly no good time to leave.

Do you mean leave when the timing is right?

Not leave your partner because your going through a rough patch and wait for a good patch?

Or leave because of fear of starting over and being alone?

[SusanBB]

Do you mean leave when the timing is right?

Not leave your partner because your going through a rough patch and wait for a good patch?

Or leave because of fear of starting over and being alone?

I guess I mean when the timing is right.  I'm not afraid of being alone and starting over. I deeply crave that, although I know I will miss him very much at times.

I think I keep waiting for it to feel "right" to leave, as though one day there won't be fear and doubt and horrible guilt and I'll just leave, feeling totally fine with the decision.  I set these imaginary markers in my head, then don't follow through with them. Like... ."the next time he destroys something of mine, that will definitely be it."  But then he does, and I don't leave.  "The next time he threatens violence, I'll leave."  But again, he does it, and I don't leave.  "The next time he tells me he wants a divorce because I'm such a worthless spouse, I'll leave."  And I don't.

The fear and guilt get in the way of me just doing it. I've been unhappy for such a long time, and tried everything possible to make this work.  This relationship is deeply toxic for me, and probably for him as well. He hasn't worked in many years. He is completely dependent on me financially and has nobody else left in his life to turn to.  In my heart I know I've tried really hard.  And yet the fear and guilt just paralyze me.

[22years]

I can tell you that I DIDNT leave and stuck it out for 22 years and 3 kids. My BPD wife had all the behaviors you are describing. Article 01 in the archived articles is EXACTLY how my wife and I fell in love and continued in our marriage. I stayed with her bc at my core I felt it was best for our kids. I have serious doubts now. After 22 years she left me. She began an affair a year before that.

     We have been separated for 13 months and it has been wonderful. There is peace and solace in this life. I havent missed her at all. The rages, the blaming, the useless conversations, the mood swings, the insistent accusations, all gone. We have joint custody of our 2 minor children and they are doing well. Our oldest daughter just turned 21 and is in therapy bc of all the terrible things her mother did to her growing up. It has been very sad bc I didnt know it was happening. It like a secret abuser.

     At least now I know my 2 kids can have a place where they can retreat to that is stable and they can receive unconditional love and acceptance. I can help them deal with the mental illness behaviors they see in their mother. When we lived together this was impossible bc it would enrage her in that she understood it as blame. She still doesnt accept there is something wrong with her. She totally blames me. (What a shock!)

     I grew up in Church and have tried to live a pious life. My parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary soon. I am the only child to be getting a divorce. Plus, statistically, non-divorced kids outperform divorce kids on almost every type of research conducted. This is why I held in there. My kids still have all A's a year later. They are vibrant, laughing, playing kids and their future is far better. My oldest has been through Hell. I constantly affirm her. She has stayed with me since my wife left. About 2 months after her mom left we were sitting and talking and she said, ":)ad, I didnt know life could be so peaceful." It breaks my heart. I have serious doubts now that I did the right thing by staying with my wife. She left me so I didnt make the decision. But i AM divorcing her. I have proof of her infidelity. If I could reverse time with the knowledge I have now, I may have given her an ultimatum- get therapy or get out.

     

[SusanBB]

I'm sorry you went through so many years of pain, 22years. I'm glad to hear life is so much more peaceful now. That's very inspirational.

I wish I could give my husband that ultimatum, but he's been in therapy for years. It helps, but it doesn't make our lives more manageable on most days.  We are still in constant survival mode, either recovering from the last melt-down, or trying to avoid the next one.  It is exhausting. And I desperately want to have some peace in my life again.

[Tibbles]

SusanBB I feel for you, it is a hard place to be. I too was told I was a terrible spouse. Mine used to say "I deserve better". "I want a better wife, a better family". You mentioned living in survival mode - recovering from latest melt down and avoiding the next one. I can so relate to that and remember what that was like. That  life style takes up so much head space that it is very hard to feel you are able to do anything else and leaving takes energy. From my experience there never was a right time to leave. When you do leave - if you do, you will most likely feel guilty and fearful, at times both together and quite intense. That is part of working your way through the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - the three things that keep us in these relationships. It's almost like you leave in spite of these feelings, at least that was how it was for me.

I agree with 22years - once you get out and progress through the FOG - life does become wonderful. The peace and calm. I have two grown up kids and like 22years found, damage has been done to them too and I didn't even realise it. I left 2 years ago and my daughter (20) said the other night that life feels like it began for her 1 year ago. The damage these relationships do to all involved is terrible.

[Tibbles]

typo oops. My daughter said life began for her 1 year ago.