When they begin to paint you white... do they truly not know how to reach out?

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

I haven't been on the boards much these days. I feel like I've finally reached "Radical Acceptance" regarding my ex. It's taken me an incredibly long time with lots of setbacks. This forum has helped immensely in the healing process.

I'm curious about something and wanted everyone's opinions / insights. When our exes begin to "paint us white" again - do they refrain from contacting us due to fear of rejection? Or is it because they truly don't know how to reach out and make amends?  :)on't get me wrong - I don't want my ex back. But we've known each other a very long time and it's sad that we can't even be civil to each other.

Here is why I believe I'm being "painted white" again. Bear with me, please.  In the past two weeks - I have been getting a ridiculously high number of views on a couple of old Xmas videos I posted on Facebook. The videos aren't unique other than the fact that you can hear me "narrating" and laughing on them. They're just silly, fun stuff. The videos are buried way down my Timeline. The views stopped within a few days of the original posting. No activity since mid-December. Now since around March 3rd - one of them has been watched over twenty-five times. I know my ex trolls my FB page from time to time. Also - there are a couple of significant dates approaching. His birthday is this month. And an "anniversary" of sorts for us next month. He is very keen on dates / events. Also - I am about 99% sure that it's him. The views come very early in the morning and always on his days off.

So why? Why watch these videos over and over and over? And if it is him - is he "painting me white", yet truly has no idea how to reach out? Is it fear? Or wanting to keep up the facade that I don't exist? Yes - he blocked me on FB over a year ago. But he uses alternate accounts to keep tabs. Or is he trying to work up the nerve to reach out? It would be so simple just to say "I'm sorry for what I did".  His world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm one more "lost connection" that he simply can't bring himself to make amends with.

Thanks as always!  

[Infern0]

Yes.

Mine told me that she wanted to talk to me for a couple of weeks before she'd reached out but was worried to. she did silent calls and drivebys before eventually calling with a very sheepish "hello".

As soon as I said hi how are you, she was off and didn't take a breath for about 45 minutes.

[lipstick]

Inferno,

Thank you for your response. Did she admit to being afraid to contact you? Curious about this.

I just wonder if it's fear that holds them back. Mine would be afraid of repercussions. His spouse finding out and also - if I were to tell him that I hate him. That would kill him.

[JRT]

I am wondering the same thing here... .I took a video including my voice and posted it as well and found that it is getting an unusual number of hits even now that it is buried.

I remain blocked by her but I did see a new profile picture ... .in the comments from her friends, she used a phrase and spelling that was all JRT. In other words, she used one of my pet phrases and special spelling that that I use when on FB... .whats up with that?

I know that my ex is going through some hard times with her son... .and I also suspect that she does not have a replacement... .but at the same time, I remain blocked on FB (and probably the phone and text) and she has still not come to collect her belongings that I put into storage for her to collect without having to contact me... .I would think that the precursor to contact would be unblocking me and picking up her stuff... .

This one is hard to figure out... .I miss her terribly and would like to talk to her, but my head says exactly what all of the threads here say, 'RUN!'.

[misty_red]

When my exBPDgf had her first period of withdrawing and then wanted to reach out to me again she needed an excuse to do so. She waited until my birthday to reach out again because it was an excuse to congratulate me. So I guess some really don't know how to reach out again or are afraid of rejection. BUT everyone is different and you shouldn't keep your hopes up that they only are not reaching out because they are afraid of rejection. Some actually won't ever look back again. It's the hard truth and will prevent you from still being attached.

[JRT]

Interesting... .just checked to see if I was still unblocked on FB and still am. A random check of her friends yields something interesting: where I was unfriended by them, not they are blocking me! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

This tells me that she is far from painting me white after 6 months. It tells me that something is happening on her end where she is selling her friends on going to the additional step of blocking me (even though I have not attempted to reach out and contact them at all). The FB net net is the same. WOW!

[Alberto]

Interesting... .just checked to see if I was still unblocked on FB and still am. A random check of her friends yields something interesting: where I was unfriended by them, not they are blocking me! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

This tells me that she is far from painting me white after 6 months. It tells me that something is happening on her end where she is selling her friends on going to the additional step of blocking me (even though I have not attempted to reach out and contact them at all). The FB net net is the same. WOW!

To me that sounds like she is ashamed for something and doesn't want you to dig the truth

[jhkbuzz]

I am wondering the same thing here... .I took a video including my voice and posted it as well and found that it is getting an unusual number of hits even now that it is buried.

I remain blocked by her but I did see a new profile picture ... .in the comments from her friends, she used a phrase and spelling that was all JRT. In other words, she used one of my pet phrases and special spelling that that I use when on FB... .whats up with that?

I know that my ex is going through some hard times with her son... .and I also suspect that she does not have a replacement... .but at the same time, I remain blocked on FB (and probably the phone and text) and she has still not come to collect her belongings that I put into storage for her to collect without having to contact me... .I would think that the precursor to contact would be unblocking me and picking up her stuff... .

This one is hard to figure out... .I miss her terribly and would like to talk to her, but my head says exactly what all of the threads here say, 'RUN!'.

Wow, JRT, I think that's one of the most vulnerable things you've said on these boards!  

It's hard for me too.  I would love to have a "closure" conversation with my ex but I worry about how strong I'd be - so I wouldn't chance it.  

This is the one thing I am sure of:  I only want people in my life that love me in action; who are loyal and who won't abandon me.  That's not her - so there's no real point to any kind of conversation.

I just read an excellent thread about why exBPD partners sometimes reach out - it was written by HappyNihilist - and it's something to keep in mind in the event that you do get contacted... .



"There are two big factors at play, and they would seem to be mutually exclusive -- but this is borderline world.

The first is that you meant a lot to your ex, which is why he was so triggered to behave the way he did. Love and intimacy are what bring out the worst of BPD behavior, and the greater the feelings of love, the greater the resultant fear. You became the trigger for his core fears of abandonment/engulfment, so despite his love for you, he couldn't emotionally maintain a relationship. These conflicting desires - wanting love, not wanting pain - cause the borderline to engage in push/pull behavior.

The second factor is that the nature of the disorder means that the borderline objectifies people. Someone with BPD is focused, first and foremost, on his/her own emotional needs and survival. People are (unconsciously) evaluated based on how well they fulfill the borderline's needs. This objectification can lead to a sense of ownership over people in the borderline's life, a tendency to view them as possessions. (It's sort of like how a child views his parents.) This doesn't go away when the relationship ends, even if the borderline has no desire to recycle."

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272804.msg12587343#msg12587343

[JRT]

I am sure that she is... .after the last serious recycle, she had compelled a handful of family and friends to unfriend me... .I ask her what she had told them to get them to do it but she just re-routed the conversation and I never really thought it was important to know so I let it die. But they never really quite treated me the same afterwards... .I am sure that it was some horrible this or that.

But this just doesn't make sense... .I was already unfriended by these people with no way to contact them through FB already. Why would she convince them that blocking me would somehow be necessary? Its like putting one more bullet in an already dead body.

It this seems more like anger to me... .incremental and new anger. The only thing that I can think that would make her newly angry is:

-I didn't chase her and have not tried to contact her

-I am happy and make no references to her or our b/u on FB

-I have attempted to return her belongings to her

Even within the framework of BPD this doesn't seem to make any sense.

[JRT]

I am wondering the same thing here... .I took a video including my voice and posted it as well and found that it is getting an unusual number of hits even now that it is buried.

I remain blocked by her but I did see a new profile picture ... .in the comments from her friends, she used a phrase and spelling that was all JRT. In other words, she used one of my pet phrases and special spelling that that I use when on FB... .whats up with that?

I know that my ex is going through some hard times with her son... .and I also suspect that she does not have a replacement... .but at the same time, I remain blocked on FB (and probably the phone and text) and she has still not come to collect her belongings that I put into storage for her to collect without having to contact me... .I would think that the precursor to contact would be unblocking me and picking up her stuff... .

This one is hard to figure out... .I miss her terribly and would like to talk to her, but my head says exactly what all of the threads here say, 'RUN!'.

Wow, JRT, I think that's one of the most vulnerable things you've said on these boards!  

It's hard for me too.  I would love to have a "closure" conversation with my ex but I worry about how strong I'd be - so I wouldn't chance it.  

This is the one thing I am sure of:  I only want people in my life that love me in action; who are loyal and who won't abandon me.  That's not her - so there's no real point to any kind of conversation.

I just read an excellent thread about why exBPD partners sometimes reach out - it was written by HappyNihilist - and it's something to keep in mind in the event that you do get contacted... .



"There are two big factors at play, and they would seem to be mutually exclusive -- but this is borderline world.

The first is that you meant a lot to your ex, which is why he was so triggered to behave the way he did. Love and intimacy are what bring out the worst of BPD behavior, and the greater the feelings of love, the greater the resultant fear. You became the trigger for his core fears of abandonment/engulfment, so despite his love for you, he couldn't emotionally maintain a relationship. These conflicting desires - wanting love, not wanting pain - cause the borderline to engage in push/pull behavior.

The second factor is that the nature of the disorder means that the borderline objectifies people. Someone with BPD is focused, first and foremost, on his/her own emotional needs and survival. People are (unconsciously) evaluated based on how well they fulfill the borderline's needs. This objectification can lead to a sense of ownership over people in the borderline's life, a tendency to view them as possessions. (It's sort of like how a child views his parents.) This doesn't go away when the relationship ends, even if the borderline has no desire to recycle."

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272804.msg12587343#msg12587343

Thanks for that JHK... .I enjoy HN's posts... .they are very thorough and based on facts and reason and speak from the perspective of someone who is an authority... .Its funny how the door simply refuses to close on this thing, with all of these things percolating and never really ending... .I know that she loved me more than anyone she ever loved in her life (in a BPD sort of way), hence the disproportional reaction to her feelings... .I can't imagine the inner conflict that she feels within herself as we speak, it must be tearing her up inside... .but yet, her rage continues to the extent that she is now symbolically raging against me... .incredible!

Every few weeks I check out the little that I can see on her FB page: her picture and her background. She had a new one up showing various comments. One was her reply. Do you have certain things that you say, maybe even with a unique spelling if your are typing it that are all you - your calling card? Well, there was one of mine on that thread that she had used, my spelling and all just posted last week!

Maybe its all nothing but being abruptly cut off and being sustained, its little signs like this that seem to be all that we can go on to interpret the situation and achieve SOME sense of closure.

[lipstick]

I don't think mine is the "never look back" type. There is a ton of evidence to the contrary. He keeps tabs on me for whatever reason. And I am 99.999% sure that he is the one obsessively looking at my old Xmas video clip on Facebook. Who else would be interested in that? It's truly nothing. But again - it has me laughing and talking on it. He loved my laugh. Really - who else would be looking at this dumb clip over and over during the wee hours of the morning? Viewed over 25 times since around the beginning of the month!

His birthday is this week. He will be 52. His one male constant in his world died at this age. Most of the men in my exes family died fairly young. In their fifties. I know he is keenly aware of this. Also - a significant date for the two of us would have been in April. He is also aware of this. His spouse is also a good deal older than him. Another factor. I am thirteen years her junior. Two years his junior.

So again - I'm just wondering if it's fear of rejection and/or shame that holds them back? He knows how much he hurt me. Believe me, he knows.

All comments welcome!    

[ShadowIntheNight]

I don't think mine is the "never look back" type. There is a ton of evidence to the contrary. He keeps tabs on me for whatever reason. And I am 99.999% sure that he is the one obsessively looking at my old Xmas video clip on Facebook. Who else would be interested in that? It's truly nothing. But again - it has me laughing and talking on it. He loved my laugh. Really - who else would be looking at this dumb clip over and over during the wee hours of the morning? Viewed over 25 times since around the beginning of the month!

His birthday is this week. He will be 52. His one male constant in his world died at this age. Most of the men in my exes family died fairly young. In their fifties. I know he is keenly aware of this. Also - a significant date for the two of us would have been in April. He is also aware of this. His spouse is also a good deal older than him. Another factor. I am thirteen years her junior. Two years his junior.

So again - I'm just wondering if it's fear of rejection and/or shame that holds them back? He knows how much he hurt me. Believe me, he knows.

All comments welcome!    

Lipstick it's hard to say. I think my ex hates my guts one day and the next I think she knows how badly she screwed up and could be too ashamed to reach out. Since last September I have received several hang up calls a month. Never had them before. Haven't had any yet this month. In my mind I think well maybe she's finally resolved it for herself and moved on. We got together in April 10 years ago too. But I doubt if she even remembers it. I do know that something in her past has triggered her and it always seemed to be in April. Her mother's birthday is that month and I suspect that some abuse took place around that time which caused her to act out in some way the years we were together, I.e. She would always pull away the times she did in April.

My ex knows how much she hurt me; I suspect she did it for two reasons, 1 to hurt me (tho I have no idea why) and 2) to possibly make sure I didn't want to go back to her.

I think they do feel shame. But no one should feel so much shame that they can't find a way to apologize to someone they supposedly loved. Life is too short. I dont care if they have a mental illness or not. They still have a soul. My ex is a practicing Catholic. She knows right from wrong. She's just choosing not to do anything about it.

[apollotech]

"So why? Why watch these videos over and over and over? And if it is him - is he "painting me white", yet truly has no idea how to reach out? Is it fear? Or wanting to keep up the facade that I don't exist? Yes - he blocked me on FB over a year ago. But he uses alternate accounts to keep tabs. Or is he trying to work up the nerve to reach out? It would be so simple just to say "I'm sorry for what I did".  His world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm one more "lost connection" that he simply can't bring himself to make amends with."

lipstick,

I don't have the slightest idea of how to suggest an answer to the questions that you have posed. Reading your initial post today that began this thread and looking back at a few of the text messages that I have recently received from my BPDexgf since going strict NC on my end, I have found myself deeply saddened. I apologize for hijacking your post, please forgive me.

That is absolutely one of the saddest things that I have ever read on any of these boards. Anyone who doesn't believe that BPD doesn't wreck the life of the pwBPD needs to closely read the above quoted material. I don't know lipstick's story. I assume that it is indeed the ex watching said video. Think about that. He lost lipstick in his life due to his illness. I assume that by this new behavior he is having regrets about that and/or a stark recognition of said loss. (Yes I know, this is Non, normal, thinking.) Now, a normal person would simply ring up lipstick apologize to her, change his behavior to assure that said offense never occured again, and try to establish some form of a relationship again, even if it wasn't a romantic relationship. There would be some form of contact with the hopes of bringing her back into his life; by doing so, it's a clear statement that he values her as a person and wants to be associated with her. For a Non, this is simply Life 101. This man, because of his illness, does not possess even the basic tools that you and I, the Non's, use and take advantage of on a daily basis. He has lost all of lipstick. It is a sad testament to his life that now all he has of her is an audio/visual recording on the internet. Although it is difficult to see at times, the pwBPD always loses the most in these failed relationships.

[Copperfox]

You can't make sense of the senseless, it will drive you crazy.

One thing I've had to accept is that many of their behaviors are driven by fear.  They are recreations of their childhood fears.  We are simply characters upon that stage.  A bitter pill to swallow perhaps.

I think Apollo made a good point.  Take solace in the fact that you can move forward, however much a struggle it may be.  pwBPD are often not so lucky.  The script plays and replays.

[misty_red]

I believe that even though they don't really want you back they view you as some kind of property. This sounds cruel, but let me explain. I don't think they do this consciously. I think they do value you/love you in a way they can and they do believe that they love/d you deeply, but in the end it's more about objectifying someone. So even if they don't want to be with you anymore they might view you as some old property and from time to time they want to check if it's still there. And that's what they do when they are keeping tabs on you.

When I talked about this subject with a good friend and explained her that my exBPDgf still shows up at places I am etc. and yet is treating me like I'm thin air/dead to her she said "You know, I think that maybe she just hates it even more that you really get along without her. That you're able to be happy without her. That p*sses her off." Not because she still wants to be with me but because she thought I could not live without her. It's about her ego/narcissism I guess. Don't we all have this kind of thing? I know I have it in some capacity. When I'd already been broken up with a girlfriend (years ago) I still was interested in her present relationships. And please mind: I was the one who did the break up and didn't have romantical feelings towards her anymore. When you where the one receiving all of the "undying love"-speaches, when they were the one running after you in some way this is a good feeling for your ego and then you realize that they have moved on and you are like "Sh*t, they found someone better." For me it was like that. Not in a great intensity but I had that because I do have some problems with my ego (narcissistic traits). It was not about them at all but about the way they made my ego feel and that wasn't there anymore. So yeah. I don't think that keeping tabs on you necessarily means that they've painted you white again.

[Infared]

It's BPD. Who knows?

After a year-and-a-half mine did drive-byes. Pulled in... acted whacky... .but the whole time she was with new supply. She did not "want" me?  THANK GOD I was in therapy. I held strong and dissed her.  It was EXTREMELY difficult for me to do that and take care of ME.

My experience is that BPD's are capable of anything and absolutely nothing. All at once!

I guess I was just witnessing some kind of psycho purge. I'll never know... .Thank God, I took care of me. It was totally out of character!    LOL!

I think I might have been getting healthy, or something!

They are sick and self-centered. BPD's have absolutely no awareness of the pain that they cause a non. All of their thoughts are just about their own needs.

[going places]

My ex is an 'out of sight out of mind' person.

He could care less if I lived or died.

For real.

He has a new toy. My guess is that she is much younger and caters to his every selfish whim.

Good for her. Poor thing.

My ex gave me the silent treatment / ignored me because he knew that when he did, I would be relentless in resolving whatever issue it was. I hated a household on egg shells.

So since I threw him out July 2014 when he ignores me, I do not respond.

That infuriated him that he does not get under my skin.

But now he has a new toy, so me and our 3 kids don't exist.

If I were in your shoes, and the ex was watching old videos on my FB?

I'd block him.

If a man has something to say then he should man up and say it.

None of this sneaking around, trying to get the female to make contact and say "awww honey, how are you".