My life is coming off the tracks

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Not sure if I need advice or just to vent. My life is coming off the tracks.  Here it is in a nutshell. My wife took a new job. Better pay more in line with her career goals. But its in her hometown. I could keep my job but required me to move to differnt office. Still over hour 20 min drive though from her parents house. Which we are now living at.     We put our house up for sale... .it sold almost instantly. Now we live my in-laws and I drive 1 hours 20 mins to work to support her in her new job... .She is not happy with what we did. She hates living at her parents, doesn't think she likes the job (after only 1 day) and is mostly stuggling with the fact we have not found a nice house to buy in the area we have been looking for.

I think I made a huge mistake in thinking this was what we shoul do. My reasoning was to suport her in her efforts to find a better job that she has always wanted like this one. I have be optimistic and keep reminding her this will work out. We will find a nice house.  My other part of this was to have an out if I need to leave. Meaning she had a better paying job and lived at her parents. The guilt of leaving her with a job that paid so littel would be lessened by now she has more $ and a roof over her head.  The fault in this plan is I would have to eventually leave to make it work. Also I'm being as nice and positive and supportive as can be and its not even the least bit effective.

[Cipher13]

Not sure if I need advice or just to vent. My life is coming off the tracks.  Here it is in a nutshell. My wife took a new job. Better pay more in line with her career goals. But its in her hometown. I could keep my job but required me to move to differnt office. Still over hour 20 min drive though from her parents house. Which we are now living at.     We put our house up for sale... .it sold almost instantly. Now we live my in-laws and I drive 1 hours 20 mins to work to support her in her new job... .She is not happy with what we did. She hates living at her parents, doesn't think she likes the job (after only 1 day) and is mostly stuggling with the fact we have not found a nice house to buy in the area we have been looking for.

I think I made a huge mistake in thinking this was what we shoul do. My reasoning was to suport her in her efforts to find a better job that she has always wanted like this one. I have be optimistic and keep reminding her this will work out. We will find a nice house.  My other part of this was to have an out if I need to leave. Meaning she had a better paying job and lived at her parents. The guilt of leaving her with a job that paid so littel would be lessened by now she has more $ and a roof over her head.  The fault in this plan is I would have to eventually leave to make it work. Also I'm being as nice and positive and supportive as can be and its not even the least bit effective.

[tjay933]

sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

My other part of this was to have an out if I need to leave.

sounds like you are very undecided. that's a hard place to be. been there. done that. I feel for you.   

Also I'm being as nice and positive and supportive as can be and its not even the least bit effective.

has being nice and positive and supportive worked for you as a couple in the past? never seemed to work for me. he is/was a black hole that never filled/satisfied.

tomorrow is another day. do something nice for yourself today and choose another nice thing to do for yourself tomorrow. go for a walk/exercise. that usually helps clear the mind and feels good too. even a short one. watch the birds, feed them if you feel like it-I'm sure they'd like that too.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, This is classic -- you sold your house, relocated to a new town, moved in with your in-laws and have a longer commute, all to placate your W, but now "she is not happy with what we did."  "Never enough" should be the motto for a pwBPD.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and I've "been there, done that."  I suggest you focus on what is right for you.  It may feel like your life is coming "off the tracks," but I would suggest that it is just the BPD roller coaster.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Wow, I thought I was the only one that pulled up roots and moved in with the in-laws so my partner could pursue his "dream" job. Thankfully, our house never sold so when things completely imploded at the new job, I said eff this stuff, I'm going home. And that is exactly what I did. We lost a whole lot of money because of that ordeal.

I think my husband lasted about 8 months at that job before things imploded. Four of those months we lived with his inlaws and the other 3 or 4 months were in a house that we found to buy.

Have you all started looking at houses together? Maybe you could suggest getting a rental for the time being so nobody has to drive as far. In hindsight, I wish we had gotten a rental so that when things didn't work, we wouldn't have been stuck paying the mortgage on two houses. We ended up letting the second house that we bought get repoed.

Hang in there! Find things that you can do. When I was stuck living with my in-laws, I spent every spare moment looking online for houses in the area. He wouldn't look with me or help me a lot of the time so I would look on my own to see what was out there. This was back in 2007-2008. 

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, Vortex, Rental is the way to go.  Perhaps you could rent a place halfway between both of your jobs?  LJ

[Waddams]

So, no kids together.  No house together.  She's got a better employment situation and a stable home you don't have to provide for her.

Man, if ever you were going to pull the trigger on getting out and away from the drama, now is as good a situation as it's going to get. 

[GaGrl]

So, no kids together.  No house together.  She's got a better employment situation and a stable home you don't have to provide for her.

Man, if ever you were going to pull the trigger on getting out and away from the drama, now is as good a situation as it's going to get. 

I agree.  You could call it a "therapeutic separation," or get an apartment closer to your work for M-F with the intent of seeing her on the weekends, or any number of reasons for living separately. 

But if you have reached that point in your marriage decision process , Waddams is right... .now is the best time to take action.  Otherwise, she will have you buying a house that you then live in with her continuing to hate successive jobs, all of it your fault and your job to fix for her, ad infinitum nauseum.

[Grey Kitty]

I like the idea of you getting a rental that you like which is a reasonable distance to your job and (hopefully) not too far from her job and/or her parents, and in a town/neighborhood that you like the idea of living in.

How would it feel to tell her that you need to have a shorter commute than the one from her parent's house and are going to rent some place closer. And that she can choose how much time she wants to spend there during the week when you will be staying there.

[Cipher13]

So, no kids together.  No house together.  She's got a better employment situation and a stable home you don't have to provide for her.

Man, if ever you were going to pull the trigger on getting out and away from the drama, now is as good a situation as it's going to get.

Funny that you picked up on this as it was my plan as well originally when I aggreed with the move. I can't figure out why I can't pull the plug. My whole "I must help her" thought process is still in over drive. She is complaining about the job already since its boring. She is doing a lot of paper work and not as busy as she has been used to. With her condition she has to be busy all day or she gets a case of the "time to look for somethign better". 

Now she is looking ot get her old job back and our house is sold and even if we where able to get it back I still would have an hour and a half drive because I just relocated my office and they will not be happy to move me back.

[Grey Kitty]

Funny that you picked up on this as it was my plan as well originally when I aggreed with the move. I can't figure out why I can't pull the plug. My whole "I must help her" thought process is still in over drive.

Yeah, I caught it too. I'm  not surprised that you do not feel ready to pull the plug.

That is why I suggested a smaller step--getting an apartment that YOU could live in nearer your job. Take care of YOUR needs for a change. She has the choice of moving with you or staying with her parents.

BTW, I wasn't suggesting that it was an easy step for you. Just smaller than dumping your marriage all together.

Your marriage has already had everything turned upside down based on what your wife needs/wants/chased after. (her new job)

How would it feel to let it be your turn?

[vortex of confusion]

That is why I suggested a smaller step--getting an apartment that YOU could live in nearer your job. Take care of YOUR needs for a change. She has the choice of moving with you or staying with her parents.

I want to echo what GK is saying. Find smaller things that you can do for you. I can't pull the plug on things with my husband even though I am not happy with our situation. What I can do is find small ways to take my life back and not feel like I am chasing after him and only considering his wants and needs. Even that is difficult for me. It is difficult for me to consider my wants and needs. It seems so foreign to me in some cases. I am having to reprogram the way I think so that I am not putting him first all of the time.

How would it feel to let it be your turn?

That is the million dollar question!

[Waddams]

Funny that you picked up on this as it was my plan as well originally when I aggreed with the move. I can't figure out why I can't pull the plug. My whole "I must help her" thought process is still in over drive. She is complaining about the job already since its boring. She is doing a lot of paper work and not as busy as she has been used to. With her condition she has to be busy all day or she gets a case of the "time to look for somethign better". 

Now she is looking ot get her old job back and our house is sold and even if we where able to get it back I still would have an hour and a half drive because I just relocated my office and they will not be happy to move me back.

Just going to be blunt here - The bolded words above - you won't take action.  It's the core of what's wrong.  You're choosing to allow all these other things to happen and wipe out your chance at a calm, peaceful, stable life.  At some point, you have to be willing to look in the mirror and accept responsibility for it.

A very wise person once told me "if nothing changes, then nothing will change."  It was in reference to a actions vs. consequences discussion that took a point of view of input leading to output.  You're input has been what it has been.  It has always led to the same output regarding how your relationship has affected you.  At some point, if you want to change the output (or outcome), you have to change the input first.

It means you have to start doing something different.  You know it is that you need to do different.  At this point, it's all down to making the choice to do it.  You know what will happen if you don't start making different choices.  You've lived it for how long now?  At this point, if you don't make any changes, when the consequences blow up again, you really can only go look in the mirror to find the ultimate person to be held accountable.  You can't blame her anymore.  You have to own up to yourself.