When will it really all be over

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok, we'll here I am, ... .I have, for the last 5 months, on a daily basis, have (maybe) obsessively been researching the BPD disorder. I was introduced to my SO 7 years ago. Let's just say, it was too good to be true! It was the "fairy tale" relationship. He was the consummate gentleman. Opening doors, pulling out the dinner chair, carrying my coat, and my bags, ALL of the time! He would also, take me out to dinner, cruises, purchasing cars for my 2 daughters, trips... .( now, here's the funny thing ) He would ask me to put the majority of these things on my credit card( With the intent to pay me back when he received his very large comp case ) and he always said that I had to trust him and believe him that he was going to pay this money back,... .Or the relationship will not work. Now 2 years ago, he pulled the rug from under my feet( because I was gently questioning about something,... .he says that he does not like to be questioned on "not exactlys". Well, I now know that those "not exactlys are all of his lies and inconsistencys. On Feb, 24th, 2013... .I received the most bizarre texts ever from him. I grew concerned and drove to his apartment.  I found him at his apartment in a catatonic state and holes in his apartment walls. Also, there was feces, formed in a pattern on the outside of the tub.  I was in a state of shock! Also let me tell you that he has to have some form of alcohol on a daily basis. (But he says he does not have a problem with alcohol, and he has 2 DWI's.) now I have seen red flags over the years, but I loved who I thought he was... .So I ignored them and became the enabler. I received the silent treatment, he told me the relationship was over, and I got all of the hateful raging texts. 10 weeks passed, and I had lost 30 lbs. I looked like death warmed over. I had involuntary muscle spasms, cried all of the time,  Drs had me on different medications to try and calm me( at this point, I had no idea who I was anymore or that I even wanted to live anymore) before I met him I was this strong, confident amazing, loving woman. On the advice of my therapist to just get out there and start dating again( just to get him off of my mind) I reluctantly dated a few men( basically just going thru the motions ) we'll he found out,... .And came running back, proclaiming his love for me, blah, blah, blah! (ok.,,now I am REALLY confused) well, everything was going great for 18 months. We were at the airport and ready to fly out to see my daughter and his son(they live 1/2 hr from each other) I saw him eyeing a woman up and down on her 4 times. I asked him please to stop looking at her( very nicely) well, I'm sure you know the rest of the story... .he immediately stopped talking to me, the trip was awful, he drank heavily while we were down there. He called the therapist while we were down there to make an appointment when we returned. She saw us 2 wks later( and he would not talk to me until we saw her) he was very irritable and could not keep still. He kept shaking his leg while we were talking with her, he became very loud. When he stood, he could not stand still, very jumpy. He has anxiety and depression, he told me he was diagnosed with PTSD and that his ex-wife had Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, my therapist informed me that she was 99% sure he has the BPD. He left me again after that therapy session. It has been 5 months and now that we are pretty darn sure he has the disorder, that is when I decided to educate myself. I must say, it does help, but I am still in the denial stage... .Working towards the angry stage. He has decided he is not going to pay me the $60,000 dollars that he owes me. Help!

[Broken heart forever]

Ok, we'll here I am, ... .I have, for the last 5 months, on a daily basis, have (maybe) obsessively been researching the BPD disorder. I was introduced to my SO 7 years ago. Let's just say, it was too good to be true! It was the "fairy tale" relationship. He was the consummate gentleman. Opening doors, pulling out the dinner chair, carrying my coat, and my bags, ALL of the time! He would also, take me out to dinner, cruises, purchasing cars for my 2 daughters, trips... .( now, here's the funny thing ) He would ask me to put the majority of these things on my credit card( With the intent to pay me back when he received his very large comp case ) and he always said that I had to trust him and believe him that he was going to pay this money back,... .Or the relationship will not work. Now 2 years ago, he pulled the rug from under my feet( because I was gently questioning about something,... .he says that he does not like to be questioned on "not exactlys". Well, I now know that those "not exactlys are all of his lies and inconsistencys. On Feb, 24th, 2013... .I received the most bizarre texts ever from him. I grew concerned and drove to his apartment.  I found him at his apartment in a catatonic state and holes in his apartment walls. Also, there was feces, formed in a pattern on the outside of the tub.  I was in a state of shock! Also let me tell you that he has to have some form of alcohol on a daily basis. (But he says he does not have a problem with alcohol, and he has 2 DWI's.) now I have seen red flags over the years, but I loved who I thought he was... .So I ignored them and became the enabler. I received the silent treatment, he told me the relationship was over, and I got all of the hateful raging texts. 10 weeks passed, and I had lost 30 lbs. I looked like death warmed over. I had involuntary muscle spasms, cried all of the time,  Drs had me on different medications to try and calm me( at this point, I had no idea who I was anymore or that I even wanted to live anymore) before I met him I was this strong, confident amazing, loving woman. On the advice of my therapist to just get out there and start dating again( just to get him off of my mind) I reluctantly dated a few men( basically just going thru the motions ) we'll he found out,... .And came running back, proclaiming his love for me, blah, blah, blah! (ok.,,now I am REALLY confused) well, everything was going great for 18 months. We were at the airport and ready to fly out to see my daughter and his son(they live 1/2 hr from each other) I saw him eyeing a woman up and down on her 4 times. I asked him please to stop looking at her( very nicely) well, I'm sure you know the rest of the story... .he immediately stopped talking to me, the trip was awful, he drank heavily while we were down there. He called the therapist while we were down there to make an appointment when we returned. She saw us 2 wks later( and he would not talk to me until we saw her) he was very irritable and could not keep still. He kept shaking his leg while we were talking with her, he became very loud. When he stood, he could not stand still, very jumpy. He has anxiety and depression, he told me he was diagnosed with PTSD and that his ex-wife had Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, my therapist informed me that she was 99% sure he has the BPD. He left me again after that therapy session. It has been 5 months and now that we are pretty darn sure he has the disorder, that is when I decided to educate myself. I must say, it does help, but I am still in the denial stage... .Working towards the angry stage. He has decided he is not going to pay me the $60,000 dollars that he owes me. Help!

[Suzn]

What a horrible story Broken heart forever, I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this.   What you shared IS shocking. I'm very glad you have found us, welcome.

I've never heard of someone with BPD using or storing(? I'm not really sure what the appropriate word is here) feces, though I guess it could be attention seeking, since he sent you strange texts prior to you going to his apartment. I'm sure that was quite shocking. Do you think this was staged or were there other happenings that would suggest otherwise?

I'm sorry you have such a large loss financially. I'm sure many here will attest to this being somewhat par for the course. I'm glad to hear you have sought out a therapist with what you've been up against for some insight into this disorder. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Welcome to our family.  

[tjay933]

first off, welcome to the group  and thanks for sharing.  

I am so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you are having right now. Know that we are here for you. We have all gone through bad times with our BPDs and are at different stages of healing ourselves but you will find a lot of help in the lessons on the side and from the experiences of the other members.

Educating yourself about BPD is the smartest first step-you have already started on that-good job!   Having a therapist is also a smart step-another good on you!   you say that you were a strong, confident, amazing loving woman. i truly believe you were and i believe that you will be again.   it may not feel like it right now but you can be that person again and then some.

you may want to get into the legal side of this site for answers for the money issues. I'm sure that there are many others with better insight into that than I am and hopefully they are online right now to help on that side of things.

Stay safe

[Broken heart forever]

Hi Suzn and Tjay,

Thank you for welcoming me. I am trying to navigate thru all of this. I am really starting to become angry at him after 5 months of researching his disorder. I feel like I want answers from him... .I want closure. I feel like I was duped! I feel taken advantage of, I feel as tho I have lost 7 years of my life! I almost wish someone would hypnotize me and erase these last 7 years ( even the idealized times)!

[tjay933]

what you are feeling is normal and we've been there too. it's part of the healing process. rest assured, it gets easier, then harder and easier again. each time it goes from hard to easy-the easy lasts a little longer until you can breathe again. when i first started it felt like a small fish in the ocean of knowledge-overwhelming but as dory would say "just keep swimming swimming swimming" and you'll be racing along.

[Broken heart forever]

What happened to all the waffling that normal people experience and work thru for disagreements or possibly ending a relationship? Do they ever even think about that... .Or are they too damaged to even remotely think or feel what we feel? Do they miss us or think about us?

[downwhim]

Hi Suzn and Tjay,

Thank you for welcoming me. I am trying to navigate thru all of this. I am really starting to become angry at him after 5 months of researching his disorder. I feel like I want answers from him... .I want closure. I feel like I was duped! I feel taken advantage of, I feel as tho I have lost 7 years of my life! I almost wish someone would hypnotize me and erase these last 7 years ( even the idealized times)!

Welcome! You will find a safe and honest place to write how you feel. All of us have been through similar experiences and want peace, a place to vent and the camaraderie of those that know first hand what we are going through.

Some BPD's have trouble with compulsive spending. Sounds like yours did and then stuck you with the bill. I am sorry for that. It just sucks that they take such advantage of us.

Mine was into racing his Dodge and scaring the H@@l  out of me, he would rage when we were alone and cause me to have PTSD. Many times he would remind me that everything was my fault. When we got engaged he got worse. Engulfment is an issue for him. As I started to set boundaries he became more angry. I too am 5 months with N/C. It has been hard, a learning experience and I go up and down from missing him to so glad he is gone. 

[tjay933]

i think that pwBPD are in stuck in the "fight" part of "fight or flight" response. they most likely aren't even aware of what they are doing or who/how they are harming other people or to the extent(at least some aren't).

yes, they are very damaged. we are damaged by them. so we need to heal. that is what you are doing right now. the anger and confusion you feel is part of the healing process and is quite normal. everyone goes through it to one extent or another. the lessons on the side are excellent for showing the healing process and what to expect from it.

downwhim is right-this is a safe place to write and feel and heal and vent when you feel the need. we are here for each other to support each other, learn from each other and heal together.

their emotions are reversed from ours. we see an event/occurance and feel an emotion-a fact causes us emotion. they feel an emotion and try to twist the events to be the cause of their emotions even when the facts don't fit so they make them fit-twisting them to fit. so to them, the emotions come first then they assume that someone/thing caused them to feel this way and blame you for making them feel badly. in reality it is caused by some deep-seated usually childhood trauma they never resolved and something makes them remember the emotion from their childhood and they get twisted around in confusion. remember how confused Alice was in wonderland? nothing made sense-that's how our world looks to them and vice versa.

keep learning and keep writing. you're doing great and don't forget to treat yourself to something special today-you deserve it   

[Broken heart forever]

Wow!  Yes, I vacillate between being so angry and wanting him back. It feels like a drug, I have heard it is likened to being addicted to Heroin. ( I think I believe that)! I feel as tho I do not know who I am anymore. I truly, truly, loved this person whom I THOUGHT he was! I want THAT man back. With all of the subtle abuse I have taken... .I still want him back? Something must be wrong with me! Learned helplessness or codependency?

[tjay933]

Learned helplessness or codependency?

           

you learn quickly. at this rate, you might just start flying past me! if you do, please put out a hand and I'll grab on behind you! 

i love the eureka moments in life. they are so blinding it shocks us. 

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi Broken Heart Forever,

I am so sorry that you have been through such a horrid experience. Welcome to the boards, this place has been a lifesaver for me in working out what happened in my pwBPD experience.  I know that BPD is a spectrum disorder but from what you described this sounds like an extreme case, I would venture a guess that this person has strong NPD traits as well.  The whole Cluster B family of disorder does seem to be very co-morbid.  From what you have said I would just go with the term psychopath.  People of this spectrum are expert charmers that hook in compassionate people and then work them over.  The methods they use play a number on the brain, triggering dopamine and limbic system responses much stronger than in a healthy relationship.  It is very much an addiction and the neurochemical rollercoaster that ensues makes it so difficult to get over.  Your logical mind knows he is bad news but the emotional mind is still waiting for that oh so addictive lovebombing. 

It is good that you have found these boards, you can work on you and your healing.  This is a community full of people who have been through similar stories and one of they few places where people will understand.  Welcome!   

[Hope0807]

Welcome, you are SO not alone.  I was EXACTLY where you just described…right down to the 7 years and wanting to erase even the idealized times.  We were indeed DUPED.  Unfortunately, the only closure is to gain power from the knowledge of these disorders as well as the internal reflection and work we must do within ourselves to become whole again... .and WAY stronger than we ever were before in order to avoid allowing someone like this to infiltrate our space again.

Please keep posting and stay strong.  This is a great place to help you heal.   

I am trying to navigate thru all of this. I am really starting to become angry at him after 5 months of researching his disorder. I feel like I want answers from him... .I want closure. I feel like I was duped! I feel taken advantage of, I feel as tho I have lost 7 years of my life! I almost wish someone would hypnotize me and erase these last 7 years ( even the idealized times)!

[DDMoo2013]

Hi Suzn and Tjay,

Thank you for welcoming me. I am trying to navigate thru all of this. I am really starting to become angry at him after 5 months of researching his disorder. I feel like I want answers from him... .I want closure. I feel like I was duped! I feel taken advantage of, I feel as tho I have lost 7 years of my life! I almost wish someone would hypnotize me and erase these last 7 years ( even the idealized times)!

Broken Hearted Forever

I know exactly what you're feeling... .I got away approx a year ago... .started to find myself again after researching Bpd and self reflection, but let them back in for almost a year, only to be betrayed ... .again! I feel like I am back to square one, but with one subtle difference... .after 3mths no contact and a t/c that broke it last week, I know that i cannot allow myself to go back or entertain this person ever again... .yes its hard but as time goes on the mist is begining to clear and my romantic feelings are being taken over by my logical mind about the nonexistant relationship... .the one where I filled in the blanks making it appear to be what it never was. Hang in there you are in the right place for reflection, encouragement and healing... .