Therapy for a non-BPD

[milesperhour]

Hello.  What kind of therapy should I get for myself?  My husband of 30 long, painful years has BPD traits and has never seen a therapist.  He goes back and forth between self awareness and apologizing and complete delusional thinking and blaming me for his own failures.  My family (including 3 of our 5 children) and acquaintances tell me they are very disappointed in me for taking him back yet again after I almost got him out of my life -- four times.  But I feel sorry for him (he does not work or have any friends) and do care about his well-being.  I was diagnosed with GAD twelve years ago (after a surgery during which I was hoping I would die and not have to go home again) and already take Effexor.  Just got on Medicaid, so I can go to therapy now if I wanted ... .even if he doesn't like me to ... .So what kind of therapy do I need?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Hi MPH.

I'm sure you're going to get various suggestions; I can only speak for myself on this one.

My W has BPD and it messed me up pretty bad. I go to CBT group meetings. They focus mainly on REBT, which has helped me with anxiety and depression, and I've noticed addicts in our group make some decent turnarounds.

REBT uses an "A-B-C" model and essentially says this: You have a problem in your life, and it messes you up. But it's not the problem itself that's messing you up, it's your belief/how you interpret the problem that does the damage. "Irrational" beliefs can include "I can't stand this anymore" or "This is never going to get better." With that type of thinking, you end up getting more anxious, more depressed, or try to numb the pain with booze/drugs.

I have Medicaid too. Free therapy. I was hesitant to go the group route versus individual therapy, but I now think the group has been better. Combining REBT with some of the communication concepts on this site has really helped our relationship.

[Sunfl0wer]

I regret my last therapist was not proficient with PD.  While I do not have a PD, I wish he understood what I was dealing with better.  I would check into that moving forward.

[babyducks]

Hi MilesPerHour,

I did about 2 years of therapy and it helped me a great deal.   It did take some time to establish a relationship with the Doctor I was seeing.   I believe two things helped me significantly.  The first was my Doctor had my back,  when I was right she told me so, when I was off the rails she told me so, but in the long run she was my strongest advocate and cared about my welfare in all things.   The second was my Doctor spent some sessions  together with me and my significant other and had some idea of how we worked (or didn't) together.

She didn't bother much with types of therapy or names or diagnosis, she often told me to just talk and let her worry about making sense of it.   Which was effective for me. 

I suspect everyone's experience is pretty unique to them.

'ducks

[townhouse]

I am sorry I cannot offer any help as regards therapy for yourself MilesPerHour as I have not (as yet ) had any. I was taken aback by your statement of 30 long painful years and my heart went out to you.

I can fully relate to your statements-

" He goes back and forth between self awareness and apologizing and complete delusional thinking and blaming me for his own failures"

" But I feel sorry for him (he does not work or have any friends) and do care about his well-being."

I do often feel sorry for my partner of 13 years. He is underneath a good person and I sometimes feel this disorder must be as horrible for him as it is for me.

[Michelle27]

I've done therapy a few times when my coping skills suffered.  I'm always glad I did.  My focus at the time I start is always how to "change" him and ends up being focused where I should be... .working on my own crap and coping skills.  I'm at the end of a series now and it's helped a lot.  I came as close to a breakdown  as ever and even had one BPD like tantrum during that time. LOL  Without therapy I know I would have bailed on the relationship a LONG time ago. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi milesperhour, 

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  Coping with BPD traits can be taxing and frustrating on us.    

Therapy has made a huge difference in my life.  Prior to therapy, my bf's behavior really affected me and wore me down. I had a breakdown and was in a really bad place. 

Although I do suffer from DPD, I looked for a psychologist that specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  I researched all of my psychologist's credentials and areas of expertise. My psychologist has many years of experience working with cluster B personality disordered clients and their partners (usually codependents/dependents). 

Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right fit of therapist/client relationship. I was lucky and my psychologist and I clicked right away. Having trust and a good dynamic between yourself and your therapist really fosters a therapeutic experience.

It has been by far one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

[Rockylove]

I initially went to a therapist because I was struggling with my uBPDh's issues... .the very wise woman I saw turned the focus on me.  What I could do that wouldn't be enmeshing myself in my h's moods, finances, troubles or whatever.  I only saw her half a dozen times before my husband had a stroke and I was unable to afford to go back (no job no money).  I'm in contact with her but don't take advantage... .her insights deserve payment.  I'm hoping to get back to see her again some day.  It was enlightening.  I was focusing my attention on myself for once instead of my partner.  So... .I suppose I'm saying go to someone who will help you enhance YOUR life. 

[milesperhour]

Thanks for the advice, guys.  And for the sympathy.  I have summarized your statements as follows:

Get Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, privately and group meetings, focusing on REBT (helps with anxiety and depression) 

Focus on coping skills, how to take care of yourself, and how not to become enmeshed in BPD moods, finances, and troubles

See a therapist who is proficient with PD and has years of experience working with personality disordered clients and their partners

Preferably, a therapist who is a strong advocate ard really cares, and one who will see the BPD and his/her partner together to get some idea of how they work together

Thanks again, miles

[misuniadziubek]

Hi MPH.

I'm sure you're going to get various suggestions; I can only speak for myself on this one.

My W has BPD and it messed me up pretty bad. I go to CBT group meetings. They focus mainly on REBT, which has helped me with anxiety and depression, and I've noticed addicts in our group make some decent turnarounds.

REBT uses an "A-B-C" model and essentially says this: You have a problem in your life, and it messes you up. But it's not the problem itself that's messing you up, it's your belief/how you interpret the problem that does the damage. "Irrational" beliefs can include "I can't stand this anymore" or "This is never going to get better." With that type of thinking, you end up getting more anxious, more depressed, or try to numb the pain with booze/drugs.

I find it ironic that my uBPDbf once referred me to a website that had a very detailed explanation of REBT because he felt I was too 'irrational'. He was given a copy of it by a guidance counsellor in highschool when he didn't have enough time and claimed it had helped him a lot in his most difficult moments.

Irony, because I pointed out the things in the list that he had issues with and he got super defensive.

I -had- been acting really irrational for a day. I think I might be mildly bipolar, though my mom doesn't believe me and was having one of my depressive episodes, where I kind of had a bit of a break. It lasted only a few hours and then I was pretty much fine. Having those irrational thoughts for a few hours doesn't represent my general thoughts when I'm -normal-. He didn't believe me.

In the case of you, milesperhour, I'd definitely recommend going in for some psychotherapy. At least so that you have some idea of reality while you are in this relationship and so that they can poke holes in your narratives of your emotional well-being and point you in the right direction.