Am I the crazy one is this normal ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

OK I was with my x for 6 years about to get married this year months before the BU she was dragging me round wedding venues

Weeks before the BU tells me she would kill herself if something happened to me


3 days before my bday tells me "her feelings have changed " and she didn't miss me when she went away with a gf for a three day break

I end it via email after she trashed my bday by going to her sisters . on the Sunday tells me she no longer loves me hasent done for 12 -18 months how we are not "not right for each other "  how we are just friends and now she has new gfs does not need me .

Fast forward

" I want more out of life , I'm sick of carrying you , I want romance , I can meet other men better than you I don't respect you "

Takes no responsibility for the failure of the r/s or the effects of the BU on me .

Best I get is texts "sorry I upset /hurt you " "hope your OK x"

Tells me how she has to be the strong one


"Screaming anger about money how much she has spent on our house (we were about to buy) " how this is hard on her and she has a longer travel to work now and it is going to cost her ££ to start again (she earns £100k minimum)

Charges me for an a/v cabinet she leaves behind ... .pretty much strips the flat of everything takes back her bday presents for me tells me the items I bought from her she is no longer willing to pay for so leaves me with credit card debt )

Tell me she is a "good person" and how else could she have broken up with me

Only ever mentions her , no remorse no sympathy or compassion for what she has done I.e blindsided me wrecked our r/s as well as admiting she has been out of love for years

I confront her with what she says on the phone at a later date she denies it calls me crazy  (gas lighting)... .tells me I will meet other women not to screw them in her bed till she comes to get it ... .

Wants to be friends when I'm feeling better

I have to rehome dog we had for five years  , dog dies she sends text "I'm sorry to hear that hope your ok xx"

Takes my passport and other personal items family photos  in case I don't give her back her laptop or try and "screw her over"

Asks me what my family think and then screams "your family don't know me " .


Never admits to taking passport till I find it missing a few weeks back


Posts up pics of her out wearing low cut tops on FB immediately after BU so my family /friends can see

Tells me she can't trust me and screams how she feels we are not meant to be

All these years I always heard we are meant to be

Its true we did bicker a lot but that was because she was always needling, complaining or trying to pick fights

I mean does this sound like a healthy or normal way to just break up with a partner of six years ?

No remorse , no comppasion , no sense of responsibility just me , me , me .

[dobie]

OK I was with my x for 6 years about to get married this year months before the BU she was dragging me round wedding venues

Weeks before the BU tells me she would kill herself if something happened to me


3 days before my bday tells me "her feelings have changed " and she didn't miss me when she went away with a gf for a three day break

I end it via email after she trashed my bday by going to her sisters . on the Sunday tells me she no longer loves me hasent done for 12 -18 months how we are not "not right for each other "  how we are just friends and now she has new gfs does not need me .

Fast forward

" I want more out of life , I'm sick of carrying you , I want romance , I can meet other men better than you I don't respect you "

Takes no responsibility for the failure of the r/s or the effects of the BU on me .

Best I get is texts "sorry I upset /hurt you " "hope your OK x"

Tells me how she has to be the strong one


"Screaming anger about money how much she has spent on our house (we were about to buy) " how this is hard on her and she has a longer travel to work now and it is going to cost her ££ to start again (she earns £100k minimum)

Charges me for an a/v cabinet she leaves behind ... .pretty much strips the flat of everything takes back her bday presents for me tells me the items I bought from her she is no longer willing to pay for so leaves me with credit card debt )

Tell me she is a "good person" and how else could she have broken up with me

Only ever mentions her , no remorse no sympathy or compassion for what she has done I.e blindsided me wrecked our r/s as well as admiting she has been out of love for years

I confront her with what she says on the phone at a later date she denies it calls me crazy  (gas lighting)... .tells me I will meet other women not to screw them in her bed till she comes to get it ... .

Wants to be friends when I'm feeling better

I have to rehome dog we had for five years  , dog dies she sends text "I'm sorry to hear that hope your ok xx"

Takes my passport and other personal items family photos  in case I don't give her back her laptop or try and "screw her over"

Asks me what my family think and then screams "your family don't know me " .


Never admits to taking passport till I find it missing a few weeks back


Posts up pics of her out wearing low cut tops on FB immediately after BU so my family /friends can see

Tells me she can't trust me and screams how she feels we are not meant to be

All these years I always heard we are meant to be

Its true we did bicker a lot but that was because she was always needling, complaining or trying to pick fights

I mean does this sound like a healthy or normal way to just break up with a partner of six years ?

No remorse , no comppasion , no sense of responsibility just me , me , me .

[going places]

No, you are not crazy.

If this is the full story... .then no this is not normal.

I am so sorry.

[dobie]

No, you are not crazy.

If this is the full story... .then no this is not normal.

I am so sorry.

I mean looking back I hold my hand up to not being that pro active with activities but I was exhausted with work , my sick father and her emotional needs hours sometimes every day trying to soothe her or fix her problems looking after our dog she did nothing for him apart from pay for his kennels she used to rage at him as well poor thing .

No its true I'm not as ambitious as her and I earn a fraction but I was trying to get up the corporate ladder ... .This really pissed her off the arguments about money her combing the joint bank account to see if I had been spending without her knowledge or permission .

Her insistence I only spend £2 on lunch

Her accusing me of selling her cigarettes when she couldn't find them after her girly break they were in a cupboard

Her total lack of trust and fear I was going to do what her father did to her mother after the mother left his abusive alcoholic waster ass (he got his gf to cosign on the mortgage and steal his xwifes share )


Her annoyance that if my father died and I quit my job from grief she was going to have to support me till I got better (I never said I would quit my job)

Her crying because she felt bad after my father nearly died last xmass but she was worried he would get sick and ruin her holiday

Her never even making me a cup of tea unless I asked about a hundered times

Even though I ran around after her (got blamed for that after the BU "I don't need a man to cook etc for me" )

Another one was "I hate how much you spend on my bdays it makes me feel I have to spend the same on you "


She told me her bfs had never bothers about her bdays so I tried to always make them special jewlery tickets to ballet etc


The woman was always setting me up to fail .

We bickered because she was so damm high maintaince , stressful I mean I got castigated for not smiling when I picked her up from work that was one of her reasons for the BU though she confided I had been better

I used to get in at 6 pm , walk the dog , wash up , deal with my father problems than walk back to the station to get her , come in make dinner listen to her crap and she expects me to be beaming at 7.30pm after a long day .

Another hilarious one was her telling me I don't like opera or classical music . When it was me who introduced her to it I'm part Italian so opera was playing in my house since I was a child

[Deeno02]

Doesnt matter dude. You could have been the pope and you were still at fault. At the final rage, she mentioned stuff that I had never heard her complain about, stuff that had nothing to do with me(but its my fault) and stuff totally made up. Then insults my daughter. They are their own worst enemy and Im thankful Im done with it. Your banged up now, I guess we all are, but once the FOG clears, you will see it for what it was. Hang tough

[ShadowIntheNight]

Dobie,

I told my uBPDexgf years ago she was high maintenance... We were together  9.5 yrs, friends for 10. At the time she seemed a little hurt that I had said it, but I wasn't being mean. I was just pointing out some obvious behaviors to her. And I told her, like Chandler Bing had told Monica in Friends, "I don't mind you being high maintenance, because I like maintaining you." In retrospect, anyone that is high maintenance, in my opinion, is probably someone I will be steering clear from in the future.

no, no, no. None of this is normal. We only think it is because we have been around it for so long. Not a single person I have ever been with has treated me the way my ex has. Not a single one. She is a walking living breathing liar full of hate and vileness. And she always paints herself as the victim. If you saw a pic of her you'd never believe how evil and vindictive she can be.

[tjay933]

a lot of what you are describing i can relate to. the little things like being blamed for taking/hiding things-got that regularly only to find he had them all along-no apology for blaming me. his wanting me to greet him at the door with the same enthusiasm as the dog. i guess he wants my tail to wag and run around in circles? well, running around in circles he certainly was good at getting me to do but not with enthusiasm for him thats for sure.

sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. we feel for you.  real sorry about the dog. i know i'd miss mine more than ever if/when he goes.

[dobie]

Its that she was never diag as having BPD hence my asking "if this is normal"  

Its all so damm hurtful and needless I was 22 when I was last dumped I'm 37 now and it was nothing nothing like this ... .

Its the deciet and cruelty that stings the most if she had just acted with a heart we would be friends now

[nowwhatz]

You are definitely not the crazy one. This is so hurtful I am really sorry for you.

I don't get the letter or rages usually ignore or silent treatment... .so it is usually me to makes the idiotic contact... .which makes me wonder if I am the crazy one (exactly what my ex wants me to think).

Hang in there you are doing very well... .better than you think I am sure.

[dobie]

Yes I got the silent treatment after she had collected all her stuff apart from a text at xmass which I ignored than replied a few days latter with lots of silly drunken texts

Bdp or not I think most people when they BU just want the x they left gone so they can move on nice and easy .

She is returning my passport and family photos this weekend my bro is dealing with it so I don't have to see her

She had blocked me on wassapp and her phone after my drunken rants

My bro hates her has done for years so she will get a piece of his mind (she deserves it )

[JRT]

thats amazing! It looks like you dodged a bullet!

[dobie]

thats amazing! It looks like you dodged a bullet!

Its what everyone say JRT but I sure miss the hell out of the selfish /unhappy biatch  :'(

[JRT]

Brother I do too... .I think... .I think that what I really miss is the relationship. 

[dobie]

Brother I do too... .I think... .I think that what I really miss is the relationship.  

Yes I've been thinking that two bro the dreams the plans the fantasy but not the person she sucked most of the time .

I miss like a drug though the idealisation and her willingness to explore  art , culture etc

[JRT]

yeah... .I wonder what it was that even made me stay... .she was just not a fun person... .wasn't really great to talk to or be around... .,was secretive and absorbed by her problems most of the times... .never really validated me or gave me the kind of attention I really wanted... .I don't get it.

[dobie]

yeah... .I wonder what it was that even made me stay... .she was just not a fun person... .wasn't really great to talk to or be around... .,was secretive and absorbed by her problems most of the times... .never really validated me or gave me the kind of attention I really wanted... .I don't get it.

Hmmm mine was interested in things but never had any passion for anything was never fun or funny ... .more just company if you know what I mean ?

Hardly ever laughed but I know what attracted me 1.) She was the first women I had ever met that admired me for my mind & interests as well as the other things about me 2.) I'm slightly co -dependent 3.) My own immaturity and need to be "looked after " not that she did apart from sort off financially 4.) She was attractive and 8 years younger and succsesfull so narcisitic ego extension for me . 5.) Lack of self esteem


Most of my friends and family found her exhausting and didn't like her I never found out till after the BU

[JRT]

I have some overlap there... .mine needed rescuing especially when it came to her teenaged son... .(he, I suspect, is BPD as well and probably a LOT more... .can't keep a job for more than a week... .flunked out of the one community college class that he took after just BARELY finishing a dumbed down version of High School (though he is exceedingly intelligent)... .he will be living with her for the rest of his life and completes the triangle... .) ... .I have to admit, that it gratified me.

[dobie]

I have some overlap there... .mine needed rescuing especially when it came to her teenaged son... .(he, I suspect, is BPD as well and probably a LOT more... .can't keep a job for more than a week... .flunked out of the one community college class that he took after just BARELY finishing a dumbed down version of High School (though he is exceedingly intelligent)... .he will be living with her for the rest of his life and completes the triangle... .) ... .I have to admit, that it gratified me.

I rescued mine from her unfulfilling last r/s and her lack of friends  

Its not that she ever devalued me openly (though criticism and resentment over how i spent my money was constant ) as well as distrust that I was going to "screw her over"   but it was more I was her emotional tampon I was supposed to do everything to soothe her appease her and make her happy and if I didn't the resentment built and built till she burst once she did not need me (new friends ) all her debts cleared ... .

Its like a child they want to be amused , pampered , looked after but don't expect much back after they know they have you .

She also allowed me to rage as my T said , I mean this women could irritate a saint of course after she triggered me she would be the poor victim that I had to grovel to .

Professional victim to a T with a lot of repressed anger

[DDMoo2013]

yeah... .I wonder what it was that even made me stay... .she was just not a fun person... .wasn't really great to talk to or be around... .,was secretive and absorbed by her problems most of the times... .never really validated me or gave me the kind of attention I really wanted... .I don't get it.

My Bpd exgf was the same, never wanted to do anything, anytime we did she would want to leave early, very anti-social unless where everyone knew her (mostly guys) but no one knew me... .she would get annoyed when I got on with her friends... .conversation always centred around her and her issues, attention only given to me when it served her needs or felt I was pulling away, no real adult conversations, no firm plans but wanted a life together... .constantly telling me how much male attention she was getting, but upset if another female was looking at me... .who does that $hit!

The loss we feel is the loss of the fantasy of a imaginary relationship that we put in our head, based on their words and promises, but was clearly not a reflection of the person in reality. The hurt is about our ego being humiliated and duped by this fake person that we were prepared to give our all to... .and knowing that if they were normal they would have reciprocated, but they are not... .!

I went nc for about 3 mths then answered a call from her last week... .she is suffering badly from depression, was crying and sobbing, may loose her job due to sickness and other problems... .I was physically shaking during the call and kept quiet, I felt as if the life was literally being sucked out of me as she spoke, she is seeing someone but wanted to meet up ... .I ended the onesided converstion quickly... .I felt nothing not even pity or anger... .in fact I felt ill for several minutes.

They are vampric in nature and will drain your natural energy as they have learned to use people to validate them.  Soon after the call a mutual friend showed me a post of hers which was apparently after the call where she happily says she was chatted up by someone in a local shopping mall etc... .this from someone who was just sobbing down the phone to me about how depressed she was... .LOL... .so she off loaded all her crap on to me! I feel sorry for her next victim... .of course I miss her but that call reminded me of who she really is... .a user!

[JRT]

@Dobie... .wow, lots of overlap with mine... .most of the sames issues

@DD... .sorry to hear about all of that... .I know that that call will eventually happen here (but not anytime soon)... .did you prepare for it? Did you have something in tap, studies and rehearsed in your head that you were going to say when the day came?

[Deeno02]

Dobie, JRT, you guys wrote my 16 months with my exgf. Wow. Funny how they use the same book of plays to hurt us. Just wow...

[JRT]

incredible isn't it? Stay strong gentlemen!

[DDMoo2013]

@Dobie... .wow, lots of overlap with mine... .most of the sames issues

@DD... .sorry to hear about all of that... .I know that that call will eventually happen here (but not anytime soon)... .did you prepare for it? Did you have something in tap, studies and rehearsed in your head that you were going to say when the day came?

Hey JRT,

I did have a rehersal in my mind that I wouldnt respond to any of her calls but just reacted instantly by taking the call then thinking "Oh No!"... .I did want to end the call sooner so that she would not have the opportunity to offload as I think this is what she wanted... .and it was... .that's is why her only "close" friends are other disordered people who she knows she cannot rely on for support... .and all her non BPD friends are kept at a distance and only called on when she has a need they can fulfil!

[Deeno02]

Well, got to see her on Saturday. Volley Ball Team Parent meeting. Yay me. First time in 7 months. I have been dreading this day and thinking about how to handle it. Im just going to be as non descript as possible. Just there.

[dobie]

My x is undiag but its quite chilling to see how we all have had similar conversations with different women .

Another classic was "I would never leave you "

" I should have left you years ago "

"Your the most amazing , funny , handsome , clever man I've ever met " told me this again in an email in BU week

I've never fancied any of my bfs this long (six years in)

"The spark has gone we are just friends " to be fair I stopped sleeping in the same bed as her a year back after she would rage at the neighbours at 11pm or chuck me out in the middle of the night for snorring not let me read before bed etc when I did sleep in the same bed she said she felt "safe" weird thing to say makes sense now

"We never snog " true I didn't want to I was dealing with a lot of resentment over her treatment of me .

" I never said it was over" after I broke up with her via email followed two days later with " I don't love you " I love you but am not in love with you been like that for 12-18 months "



"Ive  never see a man who compares to you"

"I hate how you told me I could never met a man who compares to you "



"I've grown up " clearly not

" how can I trust you "


I mean for those of us with undiag xs could we just have been dating selfish immature women with anxious attachment styles rather than those with BPD traits ?

[dobie]

Another thing I've realised is in the six years she would never if once in a blue moon come up to me and kiss me or cuddle me it was always me or her asking me to cuddle her