Overgeneralization about unpleasant experience

[Cat Familiar]

My husband overgeneralizes about negative experiences. If something unpleasant happens early in the day, then his day is "ruined." Lately he's been doing an estate plan, confronting his mortality and now the last couple of months have been "ruined."

I find that way of thinking so rigid and weird. It's so not being in the present moment, but rather mourning how things should have been due to some unpleasant emotion and thinking that everything is now bad because of that. (True black/white BPD thinking)

Do you experience similar thought patterns with your SO?

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[Infern0]

My husband overgeneralizes about negative experiences. If something unpleasant happens early in the day, then his day is "ruined." Lately he's been doing an estate plan, confronting his mortality and now the last couple of months have been "ruined."

I find that way of thinking so rigid and weird. It's so not being in the present moment, but rather mourning how things should have been due to some unpleasant emotion and thinking that everything is now bad because of that. (True black/white BPD thinking)

Do you experience similar thought patterns with your SO?

Yes, and it is Black and White thinking. I find that with my girlfriend she doesn't "constantly" think like that, but when something goes wrong generally she says something like "I hate my life"

I find as with most BPD behaviours it's best to depersonalize the situation, it's not going to do me any favours to start an internal monologue about how she "doesn't appreciate me" because she made a comment like that. Just let it wash over and she'll be fine before too long.

when she says things like that it doesn't effect me. I'll just say "do you want advice or do you want me to just listen" and then she will reply and we go down whichever road she wants to.

[Notwendy]

Yes, if we had an argument over the weekend, the "whole weekend was ruined" or if I bring up something unpleasant I'm "trying to start an argument" . If I am not in the mood for sex " we never have sex" ( even if the last time was one or two days ago).  If I cook dinner 5 nights a week, I "don't cook for him". 

We are middle age now. Menopause and snoring are common issues we deal with as far as sleep. He is also a very light sleeper and if I wake him up, he can't get back to sleep. So, if I am having difficulty sleeping, it is better for both of us if I go to the spare bedroom. The other night, he was snoring, it woke me up, and I went in the other room. To him, it was a personal insult and he is really upset. But the alternative would be to lie there all night, listening to him snore and not move because it would wake him up.

I think that most people who know me would consider me to be empathetic, and not someone who would hurt a person deliberately or take any pleasure in seeing someone feel hurt, but at these times, he sees me as some abusive ogre.

[StrongDadOf2]

All the time!  There are no events in our 9 year marriage that she remembers fondly.  After reminiscing on something fun we did together in our courtship or marriage, she ends it with, "but then it was completely ruined by... ."  by what?  Typically something I, or my son, or my parents did or said (or didn't say, but she perceived I might have thought!)  Mind bending.

[virginiawoolf]

Yes, my uBPD is the same way.

It seems that the smallest infraction will ruin an evening/day/weekend for him. Once this happens, it is extremely difficult to turn things around.  He'll say things are "stained" -- his own expression which he uses to describe precisely these phenomena. Having him share this termonology with me helped me to better understand how he experiences things. But it doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with. On top of this, he'll continue to bring up the "stains" weeks, months, or more than a year later.

A therapist once told me that a healthy relationship, can benefit from agreeing to grant each other "do-overs". Meaning that if one partner realizes right away that his words or actions have upset the other or are leading things in the wrong direction, he then can take responsibility, take back what he said/did, and "do over" the exchange. Oh, how I wish this were possible in my relationship.

What's worse is oftentimes the "stain" is based on a misunderstanding/misinterpretation. It seems not to matter how many times (or how many different ways) I try to better explain what I'd actually MEANT. He refuses to stray from his initial, negative interpretation. I have particular trouble with the arguments that arise in these situations. If I let him "win" the argument, then his negative (mis)interpretation of my words/action prevails, everything is "stained," and the day (or more) is ruined. If I persist in trying to get him to understand what I really meant (usually nothing at ALL negative), the argument itself persists, which is also upsetting to him... .and he still clings onto his misinterpretation.

Maybe this is where we can use more validating skills? Any suggestions?

[Cat Familiar]

What's worse is oftentimes the "stain" is based on a misunderstanding/misinterpretation. It seems not to matter how many times (or how many different ways) I try to better explain what I'd actually MEANT. He refuses to stray from his initial, negative interpretation. I have particular trouble with the arguments that arise in these situations. If I let him "win" the argument, then his negative (mis)interpretation of my words/action prevails, everything is "stained," and the day (or more) is ruined. If I persist in trying to get him to understand what I really meant (usually nothing at ALL negative), the argument itself persists, which is also upsetting to him... .and he still clings onto his misinterpretation.

I know exactly what you mean and it's an issue I've dealt with repeatedly.   It gets into JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) and nothing good comes of it. It really galls me to "drop" the issue, complete with a negative, misguided, and wrong interpretation of what I've said. However, trying to set the record straight, as you've pointed out, causes the conflict to last much longer. It's hard for my ego to take, but letting him keep his misinterpretation of me (a.k.a. painting me black) is the best strategy for getting back to harmony quicker. If he's gonna paint me black, no amount of explanation will suffice to make him change his mind and usually it just backfires and makes things worse.

[ColdEthyl]

Yes... .yes... .and yes.

The smallest things like someone cutting him off in traffic... .or just driving slower than he thinks they should can set him off and ruin his day. He's had his day ruined with being upset about how many times the dogs have been let out... .how many times the refrigerator door has been opened that day, etc etc

He will proclaim is hate for everybody and everything, and how much he hates his life. *shrug* It used to hurt me before when I didn't understand. Now, I just say yeah baby... .man that does blow and continue on my merry way.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes... .yes... .and yes.

The smallest things like someone cutting him off in traffic... .or just driving slower than he thinks they should can set him off and ruin his day. He's had his day ruined with being upset about how many times the dogs have been let out... .how many times the refrigerator door has been opened that day, etc etc

He will proclaim is hate for everybody and everything, and how much he hates his life. *shrug* It used to hurt me before when I didn't understand. Now, I just say yeah baby... .man that does blow and continue on my merry way.

It must really suck for them to always get so worked up about insignificant minor events. My husband was upset because he got an email from some friends who want to celebrate his birthday before they go out of the country at the end of the month. He was angry because they didn't suggest a date and a place and he thought they wanted him to "plan his party." I took it as just being polite, as they don't know if he's got something planned for that weekend or not. But anyhow, dysregulation time and I just sympathized rather than "taking their side" which is what I've done in the past--trying to understand it from someone else's perspective--which makes me the bad guy in his eyes.     

[martillo]

I don't know if it is so much some event or person that puts uBPDh in a bad mood as it is that he needs to be able blame some thing or some one so he can expose his bad feelings and it is not his fault... .sort of a blame to avoid shame thing if that makes sense.

[Notwendy]

I think that is what it is. If I think about saying something that could be twisted into anything about him, I generally don't say it. Still, he finds some way to make it up.

[OffRoad]

Yes, if we had an argument over the weekend, the "whole weekend was ruined" or if I bring up something unpleasant I'm "trying to start an argument" . If I am not in the mood for sex " we never have sex" ( even if the last time was one or two days ago).  If I cook dinner 5 nights a week, I "don't cook for him".  

Are you sure we aren't married to the same man?

Funny side bar: Had a conversation with H tonight about S. In true black and white form, since S has been spending too much time on the computer, H tells me that S should not be on the computer at all. Asks me what I think. (off we go down the briar trail... .) I managed "I don't necessarily disagree with you, but that's kind of black and white don't you think? All or none?" and H responds "Yes, it's black and white. There is only black and white." Keeping a straight face (and it was tough), I said "There are many shades of gray, though. He could do all his homework, then have an hour of computer time. Or he could have computer time between X time and X time. Or we could even decide on a daily basis, it doesn't have to be every day or nothing." H says "No, he uses the computer too much." Here's where it got interesting. I said " It appears you want me to just agree with you. I'm not going to do that." H says "Well, then what do you think?" I was completely calm and said "I've already told you what I think, but you just want me to agree with you. I don't. I will, however, agree that we can try your plan and I will do my best to implement it." He looked totally confused and said. "OK." Since S gets computer time on the weekends, not that big of a deal.

I love this site. I'd never have been able to pull that off without it.

BTW- H spends hours playing games on the computer. Wonder where S gets that from... .

[waverider]

It is a general anxiety rooted BPD trait catastrophizing

[Notwendy]

Our marriage T, who seems to have mostly focused on my co-dependency pointed out some black and white thinking with my H. I about fell out of my chair with surprise when she did that. It's the first time she has addressed any traits with him. I've felt as if I was labelled with the problem, but I think this is also how she has chosen to address his issues without him running out the door.

[ColdEthyl]

It is a general anxiety rooted BPD trait catastrophizing

I have figured this is the case. I have high anxiety issues, and mine honestly isn't too much different. I came home yesterday, and my kids had taken my clothes out of the dryer and stuffed them into an empty basket. I had it planned in my head I was going to come home and re-tumble them for 15 minutes and hang them up.

Because it was different than the way I expected things to go and it changed my actions, I got a little worked up. What it feels like for me is my mind starts having racing thoughts "I need to this now. Ok they are wrinkled now and the dryer is occupied, so if i hang them up now, they will need to be ironed. I wanted to get these clothes put up now I didn't want to wait until later. Later my show is on and I wanted to watch that then shower but now that's all screwed up... .I need to hang these up NOW I need to do it NOW"

How my dBPDh reacts to my anxiety issues varies. It can set HIM off (he picks up on moods quick) or he will help. Last night, he helped. He calmly told me to bring the clothes over and he would help me, which he did.

After a moment when I realized I was spiraling, I thanked him for helping me and apologized. I told him I expected to hang these up when I got home, and my plans changed and I don't like when my plans get changed; it sometimes makes me feel anxious, and I don't mean to. I always explain how I felt to him in the hopes he will be able to identify the same in himself, perhaps he will also see he is not alone in his feelings.

Because I have this issue, it does help me understand him better. His anxiety is worse than mine, and on top of the BPD... .I can understand how he feels overwhelmed, or does things without thinking. My anxiety can be strong enough to take any logic right out of my head.

[Cat Familiar]

Because it was different than the way I expected things to go and it changed my actions, I got a little worked up. What it feels like for me is my mind starts having racing thoughts "I need to this now. Ok they are wrinkled now and the dryer is occupied, so if i hang them up now, they will need to be ironed. I wanted to get these clothes put up now I didn't want to wait until later. Later my show is on and I wanted to watch that then shower but now that's all screwed up... .I need to hang these up NOW I need to do it NOW"

Ethyl, we're so busy "caretaking" our pwBPD that it's easy not to notice when our batteries get run down.    It's frustrating to always have to be the emotionally stable one. I'm glad your husband was able to help you yesterday. 

[ColdEthyl]

Because it was different than the way I expected things to go and it changed my actions, I got a little worked up. What it feels like for me is my mind starts having racing thoughts "I need to this now. Ok they are wrinkled now and the dryer is occupied, so if i hang them up now, they will need to be ironed. I wanted to get these clothes put up now I didn't want to wait until later. Later my show is on and I wanted to watch that then shower but now that's all screwed up... .I need to hang these up NOW I need to do it NOW"

Ethyl, we're so busy "caretaking" our pwBPD that it's easy not to notice when our batteries get run down.    It's frustrating to always have to be the emotionally stable one. I'm glad your husband was able to help you yesterday. 

Me too! He can be very sweet and helpful! I need to be careful that my 'whirlwind thinking' as I call it doesn't swoop him up in it. I have came home frenzied after work and triggered him and when we are both going... .it's a recipe for disaster. I always feel like I have 1,000 things to remember, things I'm trying to manage and take care of and when I forget something or, like in this case, something goes different than I planned it throws me off.

I gave the girls I work with a paper with a snickers bar on it. I told them if I start to 'whirlwind' think or they hear something in my voice where I am getting short or sarcastic with people on the phone to wave it at me so I know I'm doing it. It's funny and helps me with a visual aid. (Think snickers commercials where someone is 'acting like a diva' etc when they are hungry) 

[waverider]

Anxiety is insidious, as it effects others around, who often become impatient. This impatience then fuels the anxiety further. If it wasn't a catastrophe in the first place you can easily make it one.

Anxiety issues are too readily written off as "just being silly". Being subject to this too often leads to the invalidation and insecurity that is the breeding ground of personality disorders.

It is hard to get empathy for it, hence some can start projecting it onto physical ailments instead (as discussed in another thread).

The fact is the sky may not be falling down, but it sure can feel like it. Practicing mindfulness is the method to adopt to deal with these situations. Staying in the moment and not running away with what might happen next in the chain reaction

[ColdEthyl]

Anxiety is insidious, as it effects others around, who often become impatient. This impatience then fuels the anxiety further. If it wasn't a catastrophe in the first place you can easily make it one.

Anxiety issues are too readily written off as "just being silly". Being subject to this too often leads to the invalidation and insecurity that is the breeding ground of personality disorders.

It is hard to get empathy for it, hence some can start projecting it onto physical ailments instead (as discussed in another thread).

The fact is the sky may not be falling down, but it sure can feel like it. Practicing mindfulness is the method to adopt to deal with these situations. Staying in the moment and not running away with what might happen next in the chain reaction

*Nods* very true. I used to black out as a child. I would get very excited or nervous and 'forget to breathe' my vision would blacken my hearing would fade and I would get dizzy and need to sit or i would fall. The first time this happened I freaked out. I was about 10 and we were going to an amusement park. I started screaming and crying to my dad that I couldn't see and he slapped me. He said I was acting hysterical. My step-mom said I embarrassed her and I probably did it on purpose just to piss her off (long story short on this my childhood wasn't the best). I felt so embarrassed and confused. Every time it happened after that, I told no one what was going on and I just dealt with it. I had fell twice on stage in school plays and just took the laughter and looks. It wasn't until years later when I talked to a doctor about it that he said sometimes kids can get super excited and 'forget to breathe'

I have been trying to practice mindfulness to help me with this. I also talk about my struggles to my H so he can see and hear that I do understand, at least on some levels, of what he goes through, and perhaps we can help each other. He's been great, and I think it has helped. I know it won't all of the time. When my anxiety takes over, it's like 'seeing red' when people speak about being so angry they can't think. I cannot always think or stop myself. But, it has been getting easier to stop quicker and regain control of myself. I'm hoping to apply the same logic with his dysregulations.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Ethyl, I had a similar issue about forgetting to breathe when I was a kid. I'd get so nervous that I'd only be breathing in my upper chest and I'd frequently be so out of breath that my voice would quaver when I tried to speak and then I'd be very embarrassed. Now when I tend to get nervous in public speaking situations, I remind myself to breathe deep into my belly and that helps a lot.

[ColdEthyl]

Hey Ethyl, I had a similar issue about forgetting to breathe when I was a kid. I'd get so nervous that I'd only be breathing in my upper chest and I'd frequently be so out of breath that my voice would quaver when I tried to speak and then I'd be very embarrassed. Now when I tend to get nervous in public speaking situations, I remind myself to breathe deep into my belly and that helps a lot.

I have started trying that, as well. Even as an adult I've caught myself 'shallow breathing'. I made myself take public speaking in high school and college so I could get over it. It helped me to do it, but I still don't like it