How to cope up with sadness?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello Everyone 

I have been lurking around here for a while and have found tons of useful information. this is my first post 

Here's my situation and question.

After 12 years of NC, I was able to reestablish a connection with my uBPD older sister. In spite of lots of drama,I was very happy to have her and my niece back in my life. She's 12 years older than me and I have fond childhood memories of her. It lasted for 2 and a half years and again she cut me off (this time,maybe for lifetime) :'( I have another sister too. All three of us are not in touch with each other. Needless to say that we are from a dysfunctional family. My parents are in another country.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I seem to be surrounded by people who are from functional families and have supportive and loving siblings (including my husband). I dread when they happily chitchat about their relatives. In the past, I have tried to tell people that I don't share a close connection with my sisters. It doesn't work for me.

how to deal with the sadness and shame? It breaks my heart when my son says that all his cousins are from his dad's side.

Thanks in advance for all the inputs.

[vanisis]

Hello Everyone 

I have been lurking around here for a while and have found tons of useful information. this is my first post 

Here's my situation and question.

After 12 years of NC, I was able to reestablish a connection with my uBPD older sister. In spite of lots of drama,I was very happy to have her and my niece back in my life. She's 12 years older than me and I have fond childhood memories of her. It lasted for 2 and a half years and again she cut me off (this time,maybe for lifetime) :'( I have another sister too. All three of us are not in touch with each other. Needless to say that we are from a dysfunctional family. My parents are in another country.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I seem to be surrounded by people who are from functional families and have supportive and loving siblings (including my husband). I dread when they happily chitchat about their relatives. In the past, I have tried to tell people that I don't share a close connection with my sisters. It doesn't work for me.

how to deal with the sadness and shame? It breaks my heart when my son says that all his cousins are from his dad's side.

Thanks in advance for all the inputs.

[Kwamina]

Hi vanisis

Welcome to bpdfamily  I think you'll find that many people here know what it's like to have family-members with BPD. You say you had been lurking for a while now so you've probably already read some stories of other members. People who weren't raised in such a situation might find it difficult to relate to you, but many of the people posting here know how difficult it can be.

Here's my situation and question.

After 12 years of NC, I was able to reestablish a connection with my uBPD older sister.

What led up to this long period of no contact? And how were you able to reestablish a connection with your older sister?

In spite of lots of drama,I was very happy to have her and my niece back in my life. She's 12 years older than me and I have fond childhood memories of her. It lasted for 2 and a half years and again she cut me off (this time,maybe for lifetime) :'( I have another sister too. All three of us are not in touch with each other.

Did anything happen this time that led to your sister 'cutting you off'? Was it perhaps a perceived slight of her? (whether real or imaginary) I am sorry to hear that you don't have contact with your other sister either, how long has this been so?

Needless to say that we are from a dysfunctional family. My parents are in another country.

I have an undiagnosed mother and older sister myself, and also an older brother with strong narcissistic traits. Growing up in such a family can be quite challenging indeed. Could you perhaps elaborate on some of the elements of your family of origin that you consider dysfunctional? Your parents are in another country, do you still have contact with them?

how to deal with the sadness and shame? It breaks my heart when my son says that all his cousins are from his dad's side.

It's painful having family-members with BPD, whether diagnosed or not. Do you feel like you've been able to accept the reality that your sister has BPD or at least exhibits BPD-traits? And do you feel like your sister has in any way ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

[vanisis]

Hi Kwamina,

Thanks for replying. I know that I haven't explained my situation well. I feel exhausted to do that. Analysis has been done millions of time in the past about our family, mostly by us three sisters  Nothing comes out of it, except blaming our parents for not raising us well. BPD runs in our mother's side of the family (my conclusion, of course) I have a bunch of BPD infested aunts and uncles, on my mother's side. they are all back in India, including my parents.

I may sound (be actually) shallow. But here are my questions/troubles:

1> I always cover up that I don't have connections with my sisters. I just cannot deal with people judging me. At the same time, I feel sad and suffocated

2> Everyday, I 'try' and make sure that my kids won't turn up like us and have loving relationship with each other. what moral authority will I have, if they come to know my situation?

Any suggestions?

[deux soeurs]

vanisis, we can not help what cards were dealt to us with our family.  My older sister is BPD so I know how you feel.  Sometimes it seems everyone but us has these great families.  The truth is I don't hide the fact that my sister is mentally ill and we are currently NC. There are many reasons folks with BPD cut us off or we must cut them off.  Over the years my sister has called my phone non stop with mean messages, sent me very long emails and at the end would say that I can not respond to the email because she won't read it because she knows it would be too upsetting... .who does that?  Only she had a voice.  She also sent text, friended my friends on Facebook, would threaten to tell my minor daughters things I did not want them to know and so much more.  She was so awful to my dad and especially my mother... .I long for the sister I can hang with, exchange recipes, go shopping, etc.  But my BPD sister is not nor will she ever be that person.  They are sick and it is not our fault.  I hope you find some family members you can develop a good and loving relationship with.  Most of us on this board are in the same position as you.  Hang in there vanisis... .I hope you start to feel better soon.

[vanisis]

Pinklipstick,

Thank you for your kind words   I could relate to everything you said about your sister. Yes, have to face one's karma! no escape from it.   

[Ziggiddy]

Hi vanisis,

I think it's great that you reached out and said what you could about your family.

Sometimes especially if we don't have the 'normal happy family' that others seem to have, it can feel like loss grief and that we are a little alienated. It seems as though you are feeling the loss of really knowing that your family life has been different from the people around you who DO have healthier r/ships. It's very natural for this to make you sad - you are experiencing a real loss just as though they had died, in a way. It's the loss of the wonderful idea of a lovely family. Please be assured that you will get through it. I think your struggle may be in a little of the ideal that may seem like others have when in fact many many people have very dysfunctional family members and/or dynamics.

Many people are unaware of it or invested in protecting it.

if your self esteem comes from the idea that you SHOULD have a great family then you will continue to feel disappointment.

I would recommend taking a realistic look at those r/ships around you that seem to be so much nicer/healthier/happier families than your own and really try and see through the cracks. It may not be as rosy as it seems.

And maybe ask yourself what it is that you really want out of your family r/ships? this will help you define how to get what you want.

in the meantime can you give yourself permission to just be ok with things that are the way they are? I am still after so many years occasionally wishful that my uBPDm could have seen me or loved me or that my psycho grandmothers could have been happy to se eme instead of despising me and haranguing me. or that my whacko dad could have had some interest in me. But in all I look to the friends who have been loyal and loving and replaced that part of my family. it's not perfect but it means a lot.

Ziggiddy

[vanisis]

Ziggyddy,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yes, I need to change my attitude and not scared of people judging me/my family. Listening to others who have gone through all these, makes me feel less lonely. Thank you 

[Kwamina]

Thanks for replying. I know that I haven't explained my situation well. I feel exhausted to do that.

Don't worry about it! I think your first post was just fine. It's the starting point to get your story out And if you had already said everything right away, we wouldn't have any questions to ask so this helps the discussion

I may sound (be actually) shallow. But here are my questions/troubles:

1> I always cover up that I don't have connections with my sisters. I just cannot deal with people judging me. At the same time, I feel sad and suffocated

You don’t sound shallow to me at all but I do understand why you might feel that way. Having a ‘secret’ like this isn’t easy in a world where family is projected as ‘sacred’ and ‘wonderful’. When your reality doesn’t match that projection of what an ideal family looks like, I get why you might find it difficult to talk about these things. Do you feel like you’ve been able to accept the reality of the dysfunction and BPD in your family? Have you been able to let go of the fantasy of one day having a loving family of origin?

When it comes to people judging you, do you perhaps feel like you need their approval to feel good about yourself?

2> Everyday, I 'try' and make sure that my kids won't turn up like us and have loving relationship with each other. what moral authority will I have, if they come to know my situation?

Your moral authority comes from the fact that you do your best to properly raise your kids and have them have loving relationships with each other. It’s unfortunate that you don’t have contact with your sisters, but you aren’t responsible for how your sisters behave and you can’t control them. BPD is quite a challenging disorder and protecting your own mental and emotional well-being, sometimes (unfortunately) does require going no contact. This period of no contact doesn't have to last forever though. Would you still like to have contact with your sisters given the reality of how they have behaved in the past?

[vanisis]

Kwamina,

Thanks for the insightful reply   I am feeling much better knowing that people understand what I am talking about. My situation is not very different from anyone hailing from a dysfunctional, BPD infested family. My trouble is 'accepting' the situation as it is. I get that. As I read my own writing and what others had to say, I had some revelations too! Maybe, I am trying to divert my attention on the misery 'caused' by others, instead of working hard on building confidence. I don't know. Anyways, talking openly and listening to others felt good. Thank you so much and please be available when I visit here next time