Random question based from your experiences

[jammo1989]

When the push/pull behavior became to mentally exhausting and extremely hard to deal with during the end of your relationships, for those of you that didnt cut ties where did it eventually lead to?  I havent been on here for a while, but that thought randomly came into my head because although, I was dumped initially the push/ pull i love you go away behavior happened after this decision of hers to, until eventually i said i cant d this anymore, which then led to full blockaage and completely cutting ties on her part.  If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences? she got into a new relationship 2 days after i told her i cant do this anymore, so would she have played 2 guys at the same time? would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks again   

[jhkbuzz]

When the push/pull behavior became to mentally exhausting and extremely hard to deal with during the end of your relationships, for those of you that didnt cut ties where did it eventually lead to?  I havent been on here for a while, but that thought randomly came into my head because although, I was dumped initially the push/ pull i love you go away behavior happened after this decision of hers to, until eventually i said i cant d this anymore, which then led to full blockaage and completely cutting ties on her part.  If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences? she got into a new relationship 2 days after i told her i cant do this anymore, so would she have played 2 guys at the same time? would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks again   

The push/pull is a sign of increasing emotional dysregulation, I think.  I didn't end it when the push/pull started - I didn't understand what was happening AND (because?) I was in the F.O.G. She began lying and cheating - and once I found out about her affair the r/s ended.

Their emotional dyregulation leads them towards impulsivity - anything to ease the pain, without much (if any) thought about the consequences of their behavior.  Pain relief is the motivating impetus.  Sometimes that impulsivity leads to cheating, but (depending on the person) it can also lead to cutting, suicide, or other ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

Don't have regrets, my friend. 

[jammo1989]

When the push/pull behavior became to mentally exhausting and extremely hard to deal with during the end of your relationships, for those of you that didnt cut ties where did it eventually lead to?  I havent been on here for a while, but that thought randomly came into my head because although, I was dumped initially the push/ pull i love you go away behavior happened after this decision of hers to, until eventually i said i cant d this anymore, which then led to full blockaage and completely cutting ties on her part.  If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences? she got into a new relationship 2 days after i told her i cant do this anymore, so would she have played 2 guys at the same time? would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks again   

The push/pull is a sign of increasing emotional dysregulation, I think.  I didn't end it when the push/pull started - I didn't understand what was happening AND (because?) I was in the F.O.G. She began lying and cheating - and once I found out about her affair the r/s ended.

Their emotional dyregulation leads them towards impulsivity - anything to ease the pain, without much (if any) thought about the consequences of their behavior.  Pain relief is the motivating impetus.  Sometimes that impulsivity leads to cheating, but (depending on the person) it can also lead to cutting, suicide, or other ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

Don't have regrets, my friend. 

Thanks JK, that would make perfect sense as she told she told me how the Dr wanted her to go on anti depressants, and that she told me how she wanted to just stand in front of a moving car while frantically crying and telling me she wanted to see a therapist.  I think your right with the, "Thats where the dis regulation started" because if I stood by her during the push/ pull cycle she would have gone on to cheat anyway because she was triggered.  Furthermore, the excessive lieing was to much to handle, she even told me her therapist told her that she shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but 4 weeks later she was in a new relationship. I cant believe how some people could put up with the push/pull for years it drove insane literally.   

[jhkbuzz]

When the push/pull behavior became to mentally exhausting and extremely hard to deal with during the end of your relationships, for those of you that didnt cut ties where did it eventually lead to?  I havent been on here for a while, but that thought randomly came into my head because although, I was dumped initially the push/ pull i love you go away behavior happened after this decision of hers to, until eventually i said i cant d this anymore, which then led to full blockaage and completely cutting ties on her part.  If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences? she got into a new relationship 2 days after i told her i cant do this anymore, so would she have played 2 guys at the same time? would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks again   

The push/pull is a sign of increasing emotional dysregulation, I think.  I didn't end it when the push/pull started - I didn't understand what was happening AND (because?) I was in the F.O.G. She began lying and cheating - and once I found out about her affair the r/s ended.

Their emotional dyregulation leads them towards impulsivity - anything to ease the pain, without much (if any) thought about the consequences of their behavior.  Pain relief is the motivating impetus.  Sometimes that impulsivity leads to cheating, but (depending on the person) it can also lead to cutting, suicide, or other ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

Don't have regrets, my friend. 

Thanks JK, that would make perfect sense as she told she told me how the Dr wanted her to go on anti depressants, and that she told me how she wanted to just stand in front of a moving car while frantically crying and telling me she wanted to see a therapist.  I think your right with the, "Thats where the dis regulation started" because if I stood by her during the push/ pull cycle she would have gone on to cheat anyway because she was triggered.  Furthermore, the excessive lieing was to much to handle, she even told me her therapist told her that she shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but 4 weeks later she was in a new relationship. I cant believe how some people could put up with the push/pull for years it drove me insane literally.   

Yes... .me too.  Especially because I'm so understanding-driven.

What messed with my head the most was not the push, it was the pull.  I'm pretty straightforward - if I don't want you around or don't want to be in a r/s with you I push - period.    With her it was a classic "she loves me?  she loves me not?" - and I was caught in an endless, tortuous loop of trying to figure out what the ___ was going on.

[nowwhatz]

Well you could probably go back and read my voluminous posts as I am the poster child for trying to maintain limited contact and have always left the door open.

It has lead to at least 3 years of lost time, financial crisis, strained friendships and worst of all I have to rebuild my sense of self and remember my self worth.

Not saying it couldn't have been diffent... .if I had maintained strong boundaries it is probable things would be better, even with liited contact.  In fact I did pretty good for a long time... .kind of fell under her spell again this year which triggered all kinds of blowback.

Don't recommend not cutting ties.

[jammo1989]

When the push/pull behavior became to mentally exhausting and extremely hard to deal with during the end of your relationships, for those of you that didnt cut ties where did it eventually lead to?  I havent been on here for a while, but that thought randomly came into my head because although, I was dumped initially the push/ pull i love you go away behavior happened after this decision of hers to, until eventually i said i cant d this anymore, which then led to full blockaage and completely cutting ties on her part.  If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences? she got into a new relationship 2 days after i told her i cant do this anymore, so would she have played 2 guys at the same time? would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks again   

The push/pull is a sign of increasing emotional dysregulation, I think.  I didn't end it when the push/pull started - I didn't understand what was happening AND (because?) I was in the F.O.G. She began lying and cheating - and once I found out about her affair the r/s ended.

Their emotional dyregulation leads them towards impulsivity - anything to ease the pain, without much (if any) thought about the consequences of their behavior.  Pain relief is the motivating impetus.  Sometimes that impulsivity leads to cheating, but (depending on the person) it can also lead to cutting, suicide, or other ultimately self-destructive behaviors.

Don't have regrets, my friend. 

Thanks JK, that would make perfect sense as she told she told me how the Dr wanted her to go on anti depressants, and that she told me how she wanted to just stand in front of a moving car while frantically crying and telling me she wanted to see a therapist.  I think your right with the, "Thats where the dis regulation started" because if I stood by her during the push/ pull cycle she would have gone on to cheat anyway because she was triggered.  Furthermore, the excessive lieing was to much to handle, she even told me her therapist told her that she shouldn't be in a relationship right now, but 4 weeks later she was in a new relationship. I cant believe how some people could put up with the push/pull for years it drove me insane literally.   

Yes... .me too.  Especially because I'm so understanding-driven.

What messed with my head the most was not the push, it was the pull.  I'm pretty straightforward - if I don't want you around or don't want to be in a r/s with you I push - period.    With her it was a classic "she loves me?  she loves me not?" - and I was caught in an endless, tortuous loop of trying to figure out what the ___ was going on.

I finally understood why they did it after all the forum reading and researching, but even now that im out of the FOG, it still randomly comes to mind every so often. For example, she dumped me, but still proceeded to chase me with all the love bombing even though in the background she was securing her crash landing with my replacement.  When people say that they are like a bucket with holes in, they couldn't be anymore correct.  

[jammo1989]

Well you could probably go back and read my voluminous posts as I am the poster child for trying to maintain limited contact and have always left the door open.

It has lead to at least 3 years of lost time, financial crisis, strained friendships and worst of all I have to rebuild my sense of self and remember my self worth.

Not saying it couldn't have been diffent... .if I had maintained strong boundaries it is probable things would be better, even with liited contact.  In fact I did pretty good for a long time... .kind of fell under her spell again this year which triggered all kinds of blowback.

Don't recommend not cutting ties.

Hey Nowwhatz, i feel for you man, it really is dangerous territory dealing with these types of people, the sad thing is this, from what ive come to realize is that, they dont see us an an individual they see as a means of an extra asset in their need for constant attention.  So when I use to think how could she go from having everything with me to having much less with him? but the fact remains that we are merely objects to them and our role as their partner is to validate them and thats it.  We could say i brought her this I brought her that and now shes with a drug dealer or college drop out, but in my eyes I personally feel that they dont hold onto our assets and traits like a NON would do. 

[AwakenedOne]

If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences?    

You would of been a doormat to her. She would know you are going to be there no matter what. She would of stepped on you many times then disposed of you.

My experience with the Push / Pull:

I had no clue what I was dealing with at the time with my "wife" and was trying hard to honor the wedding vows. I like a fool believed that she loved me. Before she tossed me away in a cruel way I had a few weeks of her doing "mini breakups". She would drive off to her evil moms house to be BFF's together with that sick woman. Once she got to her house ten minutes later she texted me how great I am and how much she loves me. I believed that c**p the first couple times. Just gave her space. On about the FIFTH time of her doing that mental abuse torture c**p to me I drove over to her moms house instantly after receiving the text and confronted my ex one on one in a civil way with something close to these words -> "Look you just told me off and did me like and animal and ten minutes later you send me this love text?" What is wrong with you? Which is it, love or hate? She just attacked me. I am so glad I am not with her anymore.

I know your hurting Jammo now but one day you will be glad you escaped her bro.

[jammo1989]

If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences?    

You would of been a doormat to her. She would know you are going to be there no matter what. She would of stepped on you many times then disposed of you.

My experience with the Push / Pull:

I had no clue what I was dealing with at the time with my "wife" and was trying hard to honor the wedding vows. I like a fool believed that she loved me. Before she tossed me away in a cruel way I had a few weeks of her doing "mini breakups". She would drive off to her evil moms house to be BFF's together with that sick woman. Once she got to her house ten minutes later she texted me how great I am and how much she loves me. I believed that c**p the first couple times. Just gave her space. On about the FIFTH time of her doing that mental abuse torture c**p to me I drove over to her moms house instantly after receiving the text and confronted my ex one on one in a civil way with something close to these words -> "Look you just told me off and did me like and animal and ten minutes later you send me this love text?" What is wrong with you? Which is it, love or hate? She just attacked me. I am so glad I am not with her anymore.

I know your hurting Jammo now but one day you will be glad you escaped her bro.

Hey Awakened thanks for your response, Im out of the FOG, currently 7 months NC, but even after giving others advice on this site, I still struggle to understand the little things.  For example, she broke up with me because she wanted her 3rd child, shes 24 on benefits and seems to have a child every 3 years, is this because she refuses to work, or because 3 years old is the start of full days in nursery? all her friends were having babies during this time, and she said the broodiness and longing for a 3rd was to much to handle.  She then dumps me and within 2 months into her new relationship she purposely becomes pregnant, I say purpose because shes always been on the coil.  She also lied to me about being pregnant during the end stages, was this an attempt to to make sure i didnt leave her? she then lied about having an abortion, guilt tripping me over text saying I killed our baby because I didnt want it, there was no abortion as I have mutual girl mates with her.  I also noticed that, her and the new guy would argue and fall out all the time, excessive jealousy and all the things I experienced, they now seem happy together as he cant wait to meet his new born.  Was I merely a sperm donor to meet her needs of wanting her 3rd? the last thing I would also like to ask is, why in 7 months have they not had one picture together? where as throughout my relationship with her she always had us as her profile or cover photo on Face Book.     

[ShadowIntheNight]

If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences?    

You would of been a doormat to her. She would know you are going to be there no matter what. She would of stepped on you many times then disposed of you.

My experience with the Push / Pull:

I had no clue what I was dealing with at the time with my "wife" and was trying hard to honor the wedding vows. I like a fool believed that she loved me. Before she tossed me away in a cruel way I had a few weeks of her doing "mini breakups". She would drive off to her evil moms house to be BFF's together with that sick woman. Once she got to her house ten minutes later she texted me how great I am and how much she loves me. I believed that c**p the first couple times. Just gave her space. On about the FIFTH time of her doing that mental abuse torture c**p to me I drove over to her moms house instantly after receiving the text and confronted my ex one on one in a civil way with something close to these words -> "Look you just told me off and did me like and animal and ten minutes later you send me this love text?" What is wrong with you? Which is it, love or hate? She just attacked me. I am so glad I am not with her anymore.

I know your hurting Jammo now but one day you will be glad you escaped her bro.

I had forgottent this about my uBPDexgf, and the more I read varying posts and see similar actions from my exgf, the more convinced I am that something is emotionally wrong with her even if it isn't BPD.

There were times when my ex would travel with her kids to her mother's home to visit family (she lived 2.5 hours from all of them, turns out that was lucky!) and she might be ticked off about something I had said or done and didn't want to speak to me when she first started out on the trip.

By the time she got to her mother's or soon after she had some time by herself there, she was calling me telling me how much she loved me and couldn't wait to see me, that I had her undying devotion. I have no idea what transpired in the time I had last spoken and three hours later, but I do know that it created a serious emotional hook in me and made me think we would always be together. I had no idea there was such a phrase as love bombing, but let me tell you, over the 10 years we knew one another, she nuked me but good. The residue still seeps into my bones and has a tremendous half-life.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

[jammo1989]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

[AwakenedOne]

If i would have let this behaviour of hers carry on what would have happened based on your experiences?    

You would of been a doormat to her. She would know you are going to be there no matter what. She would of stepped on you many times then disposed of you.

My experience with the Push / Pull:

I had no clue what I was dealing with at the time with my "wife" and was trying hard to honor the wedding vows. I like a fool believed that she loved me. Before she tossed me away in a cruel way I had a few weeks of her doing "mini breakups". She would drive off to her evil moms house to be BFF's together with that sick woman. Once she got to her house ten minutes later she texted me how great I am and how much she loves me. I believed that c**p the first couple times. Just gave her space. On about the FIFTH time of her doing that mental abuse torture c**p to me I drove over to her moms house instantly after receiving the text and confronted my ex one on one in a civil way with something close to these words -> "Look you just told me off and did me like and animal and ten minutes later you send me this love text?" What is wrong with you? Which is it, love or hate? She just attacked me. I am so glad I am not with her anymore.

I know your hurting Jammo now but one day you will be glad you escaped her bro.

Hey Awakened thanks for your response, Im out of the FOG, currently 7 months NC, but even after giving others advice on this site, I still struggle to understand the little things.  For example, she broke up with me because she wanted her 3rd child, shes 24 on benefits and seems to have a child every 3 years, is this because she refuses to work, or because 3 years old is the start of full days in nursery? all her friends were having babies during this time, and she said the broodiness and longing for a 3rd was to much to handle.  She then dumps me and within 2 months into her new relationship she purposely becomes pregnant, I say purpose because shes always been on the coil.  She also lied to me about being pregnant during the end stages, was this an attempt to to make sure i didnt leave her? she then lied about having an abortion, guilt tripping me over text saying I killed our baby because I didnt want it, there was no abortion as I have mutual girl mates with her.  I also noticed that, her and the new guy would argue and fall out all the time, excessive jealousy and all the things I experienced, they now seem happy together as he cant wait to meet his new born.  Was I merely a sperm donor to meet her needs of wanting her 3rd? the last thing I would also like to ask is, why in 7 months have they not had one picture together? where as throughout my relationship with her she always had us as her profile or cover photo on Face Book.    

Jammo, I wish I knew the answers to your questions so I could help you find peace. Some people think the BPD ex's have a master plan to use us and screw us over. For the most part I think our BPD partners just have unrealistic expectations of us (the object) and when we let them down they then see us through feces colored lenses. I think they play the role of punisher well and don't lose any sleep at night while in that role.

What do you think this other guys life is going to be like? It might cheer you up to think what he's in for.

My guess would be something like this:

Birth thru Month 1 - They are happy, they bring a child into the world.

Month 2 - He gets on her nerves constantly.

Month 3 - They argue much, he thinks to himself "I am doomed".

Month 4 - She hates him.

Month 5 - She cheats.

Month 6 - She gets rid of him.

Month 7 thru year 18 - He pays child support to her and deals with a living hell co-parenting relationship with this woman and joins us here at the site with mental scars. The child grows up all messed up and hates the dad because the mom bad mouths the father to the child constantly.

Alternate Scenario: Month 6 thru year 18 and beyond - The kid grows up all messed up and hates the dad because the mom bad mouths him to the child constantly. She makes him miserable. He only smiles when he is away at work during the day or when he is dreaming at night (a dream not about her). He pays all the bills while she does nothing but master the art of laziness. He deals with a living hell relationship with this woman and joins us here at the site with mental scars and is welcomed on the Staying Board. He transitions to the Undecided Board and finally unto the Leaving Board due to the fact that he realizes that this isn't love and vows to never have unprotected sex with any woman ever again. He then stresses out that safe sex will not really be ever ultimately 100% safe. He takes times out to think about where he goes from here in life and ponders the concept of creation. He considers becoming a monk. This seems to be the logical next step to him. He then joins a monastery. He has much time there at the monastery to think about the horror of past things with his ex and often contemplates what might of been with much sadness. He does enjoy the nice view that the monastery has overlooking the ocean. He loves to feed the pigeons also from the upper rear garden platform. They are such beautiful innocent creatures he feels. He names one of the pigeons by his ex's name. This pigeon, he throws pebbles at out of anger often and he wishes this anger was not there. He ultimately finds peace on his 100th birthday. He lives happily ever after and dies at age 101.

[fromheeltoheal]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

My ex had 6 kids, and she would talk lovingly about those times at 2 in the morning when she'd be breast feeding or taking care of one of her babies, and the kid would look up at her lovingly and she felt real connection.  That is consistent with borderlines in general, who attach to their baby, who is helpless, dependent and captive so they don't have a choice, plus they need a mother's love.  If the mother continues with that attachment and doesn't let the kid detach she'll just create another borderline and the cycle continues, although in my ex's case the kid grew up, wasn't quite as cute and attached, so she'd have another one.  I think she's created a borderline or two with her offspring, and most of them have criminal records, drug dependency and generally dysfunctional relationships, but hell who am I to judge, a tried to have a relationship with that crap.

Anyway, yes, having a baby with someone is a way for a borderline to attach, and also provides another way to control the father, although in my experience that is secondary to that mother/child bonding that is a borderline's favorite drug.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

Hey jammo! my exgf wanted us to have a baby after we were together after about a year. She had two young kids and she was 36 at the time. We were two women. My T and I discussed why she wanted another baby when she expressed feeling overwhelmed by the two. Her exH was not an absent father and she always enjoyed when they were gone for his alternate possession.

I came to the conclusion that her wanting another child was more about her wanting a baby and not another child. In other words she would always say I want another baby. It seemed like she never realized after 2.5 years these babies were gonna be toddlers, then kids, then teens, etc. she just wanted a baby.

I do think it has to do with control, manipulation, and finding a means to have someone else take care of them financially. I know it hurts. But you may be really lucky that you won't be attached to that for the next 18 yrs.

[jammo1989]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

Hey jammo! my exgf wanted us to have a baby after we were together after about a year. She had two young kids and she was 36 at the time. We were two women. My T and I discussed why she wanted another baby when she expressed feeling overwhelmed by the two. Her exH was not an absent father and she always enjoyed when they were gone for his alternate possession.

I came to the conclusion that her wanting another child was more about her wanting a baby and not another child. In other words she would always say I want another baby. It seemed like she never realized after 2.5 years these babies were gonna be toddlers, then kids, then teens, etc. she just wanted a baby.

I do think it has to do with control, manipulation, and finding a means to have someone else take care of them financially. I know it hurts. But you may be really lucky that you won't be attached to that for the next 18 yrs.

Hey Shadow that would make sense because, i always used to say Hollys only 2 and a half, shes still a baby, but it was never good enough she wanted a new born, maybe she wanted the feeling of being pregnant again as part of of another attachment.  What angered me the most was how she kept saying i dont want anybodys baby i want your baby, then 2 months later she gets pregnant with my replacment, would it seem that the new guy just like me is seen to her as a sperm donar? In other words as long as i have a baby i dont care.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

Hey jammo! my exgf wanted us to have a baby after we were together after about a year. She had two young kids and she was 36 at the time. We were two women. My T and I discussed why she wanted another baby when she expressed feeling overwhelmed by the two. Her exH was not an absent father and she always enjoyed when they were gone for his alternate possession.

I came to the conclusion that her wanting another child was more about her wanting a baby and not another child. In other words she would always say I want another baby. It seemed like she never realized after 2.5 years these babies were gonna be toddlers, then kids, then teens, etc. she just wanted a baby.

I do think it has to do with control, manipulation, and finding a means to have someone else take care of them financially. I know it hurts. But you may be really lucky that you won't be attached to that for the next 18 yrs.

Hey Shadow that would make sense because, i always used to say Hollys only 2 and a half, shes still a baby, but it was never good enough she wanted a new born, maybe she wanted the feeling of being pregnant again as part of of another attachment.  What angered me the most was how she kept saying i dont want anybodys baby i want your baby, then 2 months later she gets pregnant with my replacment, would it seem that the new guy just like me is seen to her as a sperm donar? In other words as long as i have a baby i dont care.

Jammo, could be. But clearly the replacement is thinking with his Johnson and not his brain! I mean pregnant after two months? Are you even sure the guy knew she was trying to get pregnant and agreed? She may have just "accidently" not used her birth control. And if he did want to have kids with her, based on your experience with her, in about 6 months time he's gonna be feeling the regret from that!

[jammo1989]

Think about what it's like to have this disorder: a borderline is constantly in fear of and focused on being abandoned, as well as needing to attach to someone to feel whole, to feel complete, to have a full 'self'.  But getting that close to someone triggers both the fear of abandonment, that person they're attached to will definitely leave, and if they get too close they will lose themselves, since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so forming a partnership of autonomous individuals is not a possibility.

Can you imagine being wired like that?  Sucks to be a borderline.

So we got invited into that world for a while, and most of us, myself included, end up saying we thought we were literally going insane.  That motivates me to give massive credit to a borderline, who has been living with that wiring their whole lives, and it is NOT a choice.  Why aren't they all locked up in rubber rooms in straight jackets?  Amazing.  Then again we can get used to anything if we do it long enough and develop the tools and coping strategies.  Not for me thank you, I did my time in insane and I prefer having my feet more firmly on the ground, kudos to her though, 'survivor' is an understatement.

Hey Heels, is this why they so desperately, well in my case push for a child with you? would it suggest that by having a child with the BPD means that she could never feel abandoned because you would then have some kind of emotional connection towards her, due to her being the mother to your baby? Where as this new guy has moved in with her in her 3 bedroom council house, but because shes pregnant with his baby she may not feel that she is getting to close towards him because when the baby is born she knows she can keep him at arms length when she feels the need to. 

Hey jammo! my exgf wanted us to have a baby after we were together after about a year. She had two young kids and she was 36 at the time. We were two women. My T and I discussed why she wanted another baby when she expressed feeling overwhelmed by the two. Her exH was not an absent father and she always enjoyed when they were gone for his alternate possession.

I came to the conclusion that her wanting another child was more about her wanting a baby and not another child. In other words she would always say I want another baby. It seemed like she never realized after 2.5 years these babies were gonna be toddlers, then kids, then teens, etc. she just wanted a baby.

I do think it has to do with control, manipulation, and finding a means to have someone else take care of them financially. I know it hurts. But you may be really lucky that you won't be attached to that for the next 18 yrs.

Hey Shadow that would make sense because, i always used to say Hollys only 2 and a half, shes still a baby, but it was never good enough she wanted a new born, maybe she wanted the feeling of being pregnant again as part of of another attachment.  What angered me the most was how she kept saying i dont want anybodys baby i want your baby, then 2 months later she gets pregnant with my replacment, would it seem that the new guy just like me is seen to her as a sperm donar? In other words as long as i have a baby i dont care.

Jammo, could be. But clearly the replacement is thinking with his Johnson and not his brain! I mean pregnant after two months? Are you even sure the guy knew she was trying to get pregnant and agreed? She may have just "accidently" not used her birth control. And if he did want to have kids with her, based on your experience with her, in about 6 months time he's gonna be feeling the regret from that!

Well she was on the coil during the 2 years we were together, so she would have had it physically removed, she seemed to be playing up and arguing with him during the 1st few months, but as soon as he found out he was going to be a dad he was so happy.  She got married at 18 and is still legally married to her husband the guy before me, so she now has 3 children from 2 different fathers, still married and only 25, crazy life! I can also tell you that she treats her ex husband like crap, because she knows and he still openly tells her how much he loves and adores her.  He brought her some £60 perfume for mothers day last year from the the kids, she threw it behind her bed when I was with her and was like "I dont like the smell of it, smells horrible" then proceeded to text him in front of me saying if you have the receipt you can take it back. I can see the same down fall for this guy, but the sad thing is hes 26 and still in college, he has no job and I cant see how hes going to be able to support the kid, she gets £600 a month £300 benefits and £300 off her husband for child support, so what happens now?     

[FlyingAway]

He takes times out to think about where he goes from here in life and ponders the concept of creation. He considers becoming a monk. This seems to be the logical next step to him. He then joins a monastery. He has much time there at the monastery to think about the horror of past things with his ex and often contemplates what might of been with much sadness. He does enjoy the nice view that the monastery has overlooking the ocean. He loves to feed the pigeons also from the upper rear garden platform. They are such beautiful innocent creatures he feels. He names one of the pigeons by his ex's name. This pigeon, he throws pebbles at out of anger often and he wishes this anger was not there.

AwakenedOne, this actually made me laugh this morning. Sounds like a path personally familiar to me!

[workinprogress]

Reflecting back, I can see the whole "I want your baby" thing as a trap.

When my wife and I were dating, about three weeks in, we were engaging in sex (unprotected  ) and she wanted me to get her pregnant.  She had a way of making me feel honored to be the father.  I declined at the time.

She gave me unwavering attention and we married.  Shortly into the marriage, about 6 months in, she stunned me by wanting to get pregnant.  I wasn't ready at the time.  I wanted to enjoy life a little and to have some fun with my wife and enjoy our newlywed status.

She persisted endlessly.  "I want to get pregnant... ." over and over.

I heard stories of other married couples who took months to get pregnant.  When I finally relented to my wife, all it took was one time. x2

I can see that after we had kids, her attitude towards me changed.  I would want to do something (sexually/socially/or other) with my wife, and what I wanted did not matter.

She would hold the kids up as some type of excuse to allow her to reject me.  "The kids are what matters... .your needs are petty."

So, she would put the noose of obligation around my neck.

I have seen this happen with several of the married couples I know... .not just the BPD couples.

[workinprogress]

The word for what I became to my wife after kids just popped into my mind.  I became an "annoyance."

[jammo1989]

Reflecting back, I can see the whole "I want your baby" thing as a trap.

When my wife and I were dating, about three weeks in, we were engaging in sex (unprotected  ) and she wanted me to get her pregnant.  She had a way of making me feel honored to be the father.  I declined at the time.

She gave me unwavering attention and we married.  Shortly into the marriage, about 6 months in, she stunned me by wanting to get pregnant.  I wasn't ready at the time.  I wanted to enjoy life a little and to have some fun with my wife and enjoy our newlywed status.

She persisted endlessly.  "I want to get pregnant... ." over and over.

I heard stories of other married couples who took months to get pregnant.  When I finally relented to my wife, all it took was one time. x2

I can see that after we had kids, her attitude towards me changed.  I would want to do something (sexually/socially/or other) with my wife, and what I wanted did not matter.

She would hold the kids up as some type of excuse to allow her to reject me.  "The kids are what matters... .your needs are petty."

So, she would put the noose of obligation around my neck.

I have seen this happen with several of the married couples I know... .not just the BPD couples.

Hey Work, thanks for your response, its always good to know that I wasnt the only one who felt that having a baby was a way to trap me.  The only thing i struggle with now is the fact its been 7 months and they seem happy, I noticed how she used to rage at him before the pregnancy, it seems as if now now shes pregnant hes automatically pulled back into her again in a positive way.  I have noticed that the controlling nature is still there though.  For example, he posted something like I made a deal with the GF she said if she picks the pram I have to pay for it, doesnt seem much of a deal to me .  I also posted on here a bout 2 months ago regarding my ex who had formally blocked me, tried to face time out of the blue, i then emailed her 2 weeks later saying why did you call me? and she denied it saying i never use Face time anymore, I just replied with a print screen of the missed call and she just said, oh im really sorry about that, so yeah she just like others fail to make sense.