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Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
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Topic: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD? (Read 1325 times)
Reecer1588
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Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
on:
March 16, 2015, 07:19:08 PM »
Foreword:
Hey y'all, listen. I understand that Borderlines are people too. That beyond their mental illness, there really is a person just like you or me.
Quote:
Here is a parceled quote from user 2010: "The personality change is part and parcel of a hidden personality disorder. Borderlines are chameleons."
Quick background info:
My uBPDexgf and I are both 19 years old. We dated for a little over one year. I broke up with her first> She begs me to stay friends, I comply> December & January layer upon layer of hell was unleashed on me, I believe I made her feel 'engulfed'> Turmoil... .Turmoil> Now 53 days of deadening silence from my ex. Probably the hardest, and continues to be the hardest, 53 days of my life. I miss her, feel like I still love her, am obsessed, desperately want to hear from her, so on and so forth.
Commentary:
My exgf has always been obsessed with horses. She has pictures of horses around her room, a big ol' saddle in her room, and a huge set of these cute little horse figurines. This is her passion, her life. When I met her, she was completely a "horse girl," however, during the course of our relationship, although this passion never died in her, it did seem to take a backseat. She became more interested in photography, artwork, etc. In college, she studies agricultural science, and she declared her major while we were still dating, so again, the passion never died in her.
Post-breakup: From what I can gather, her "equine" passion has come back, roaring. Seems to be her whole life now. For example, I had to log out of her netflix one night in order to log onto mine. To my surprise, her habits of watching had definitely changed. Most of what she watched were all "western" films.
On facebook, although now I have her blocked, because
seeing these pictures of her happy devastates me
:'(, you can tell, she's full fledged equine/animal girl now. I mean, she always was, but now that she has a facebook, that's definitely the image of herself she wants to project to people. That's all she seems to do. She's hanging out and going places with the equine team at her school. I mean, this would be expected of her, because I guess these are the people she relates to.
Question 1:
I have heard that people with BPD lack a sense of "self." Well, I wanted to kind of get more of an exact definition of what a "sense of self" means? Does it mean that you can
not
have consistent hobbies, or interests? My ex definitely wants to portray this image of herself as an animal lover, and as a country person. When truth be told, she grew up in the burbs. Although, she did spend a lot of time in Montana, and that seemed to definitely have a huge influence on her.
Question 2
So could this love of horses, people associated with animals (that's her major after all), be construed as a sense of 'self'?
Question 3 (Important)
There is just no way you can tell me that her moving on so fast from our deep, committed relationship, and entire enmeshment with one another,
is normal.
She doesn't appear, although I can not be certain, to have a replacement. Could this extra invigoration with equine stuff/ animal stuff and people associated with that, be her way of distracting herself from grieving?
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Maternus
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #1 on:
March 16, 2015, 07:50:33 PM »
Sorry, but I don't understand it. You broke up with her first, you wanted her out of your life, but you say, that you don't know, why she can move on so fast from this deep, committed relationship. This all makes no sense to me. Sorry, but I think, you are the one, who is emotionally unstable in this relationship. You broke up with her, now you want her back. She is following the passions, she had before your relationship, she is back on her track, and you wonder why she can do this to you? She is not replacing you with her passion for horses, she is just reconnecting with her self. I don't see a disordered pattern when someone does something he liked all his life after a breakup.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #2 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:01:27 PM »
Quote from: Maternus on March 16, 2015, 07:50:33 PM
Sorry, but I don't understand it. You broke up with her first, you wanted her out of your life, but you say, that you don't know, why she can move on so fast from this deep, committed relationship. This all makes no sense to me. Sorry, but I think, you are the one, who is emotionally unstable in this relationship. You broke up with her, now you want her back. She is following the passions, she had before your relationship, she is back on her track, and you wonder why she can do this to you? She is not replacing you with her passion for horses, she is just reconnecting with her self. I don't see a disordered pattern when someone does something he liked all his life after a breakup.
There's a lot more context missing that you'd need to read in order to understand where I'm coming from:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0
Reading the original post as well as the rests of the posts in the thread will give you full context
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fromheeltoheal
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #3 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:09:25 PM »
Excerpt
Does it mean that you can not have consistent hobbies, or interests?
No, it's not about behaviors. Before we are born, and slightly thereafter, we cannot distinguish ourselves from our mother, as far as we're concerned we're one person, which isn't really a stretch since we used to be inside her. And at some point in our development mom leaves the room for a minute or whatever, and it dawns on us that we are separate from our mother, there's a 'her' and a 'me'. And then the panic: is she coming back? We go into what's called abandonment depression, realizing that we are on our own, and weathering that abandonment depression is a critical part in developing an ego and becoming our own autonomous 'self', separate from others. A borderline never goes through that, so they spend their lives trying to replicate that earliest attachment and get back to 'one' with another person, that unhealthy focus on attachments, fear of losing them, and an unhealthy psychic fusing.
Another way to think about it is you know that voice in your head? The one that just said 'what voice'? That's your 'self', relatively stable over time and circumstance. A borderline doesn't have that, or at least it's unstable, meaning it changes over time and in different circumstances, and borderlines can feel that they don't exist at all without someone to attach to.
Anyway. In my opinion you're too focused on the diagnosis Reecer, trying to put her in a box to explain the pain you're in. Remember that mental health professionals won't even try to diagnose someone with a personality disorder until they're 18 because it's too early, and she's only 19. Young people are confused, growing, experimenting, getting out from under their parents and becoming adults, and it's common to go through a lot of relationships, and screw up a lot, as we discover ourselves, how we function in relationships, and what we like and don't like about potential romantic partners. My advice, not that you asked, is to go out and spend time with as many young women as possible, that will put you in an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity mindset, and you'll learn a lot about women and yourself in the process. Take care of you!
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Technique
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #4 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:10:53 PM »
Reece. We're all familiar with the context of your situation.
It's time to man up my friend. You're going round in circles.
Switch off your computer and get outside.
Smile at some strangers and make new friends.
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JRT
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #5 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:13:13 PM »
Hey y'all, listen. I understand that Borderlines are people too. That beyond their mental illness, there really is a person just like you or me.
The evidence doesn't seem to support this. It indicates that there is no fully formed sense of self... .some people describe it as a child/toddler in an adults body. I think that you might be looking for evidence that something might make them snap out of it. I think that it is important to realize that pwBPD go through and entire lifetime of retarded emotional growth and with even the most intense treatment that their prognosis is spotty at best and even that takes years.
Reecer, I know that this hurts... .but I sense that you are trying to find some sunshine in a large storm in your life and are keeping yourself IN the storm. Plot a course to get OUT of the storm and evaluate your situation. I am not saying that this is the wrong person for you and/or she will never be better, but she DOES have a serious disorder that she will need a LOT of help to overcome. And the disorder prevents you or anyone else from having a healthy r/s with them and thats the only fact that you will need.
For now, you need to ASSUME that she will never be in your life again and heal your wounds. lets pretend that she came back healthy tomorrow: you are in no condition yourself right now, to establish the boundaries and give or yourself as a healthy party to a good r/s. What maternus said might seem a little harsh (but I sense that he CARES enough to have said what he said), but it is really something that you should consider and maybe see a T for some support. Get yourself out of the storm before you drown yourself thinking that dry land will simply appear underneath your feet because you will it.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #6 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:15:57 PM »
Quote from: Technique on March 16, 2015, 08:10:53 PM
Reece. We're all familiar with the context of your situation.
It's time to man up my friend. You're going round in circles.
Switch off your computer and get outside.
Smile at some strangers and make new friends.
I know this is the truth. It's tough to hear though.
Appreciate it man.
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Mike-X
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #7 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:18:12 PM »
Break-ups are hard, BPD or not, and I am sorry that you are going through this. It is good that you are here posting on the boards and learning.
Her continued interest in horses does not necessarily mean that she has a stable sense of self.
Here is a summary of identity disturbance:
One of the symptoms of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is “identity disturbance,” or a markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. For example, consider this quote from a borderline patient that was included in a review of the topic published in the Journal of Personality Disorders):
“. . . it is very difficult for me to let other people get close to me. I am simply too afraid that they will discover that I am nothing at all, that I am nobody, a shadow, a ghost. I am afraid that they will find out that I don’t have any opinion about anything, no attitudes, no ideology, that I don’t know anything about anything, and suddenly they will figure out how boring I really am.”
People with BPD often report that they have no idea who they are or what they believe in. Sometimes people with BPD report that they simply feel “non-existent.” Others even report that they are almost like a chameleon in terms of identity; they change who they are depending on their circumstances and what they think others want from them.
For example, you might find yourself being the “life of the party” at social events, but having a somber and serious demeanor at work functions. Of course, everyone changes their behavior to some degree in different contexts, but in BPD this shift is much more profound; many people with BPD report that in addition to behavior, their thoughts and feelings change to match the current situation.
Identity problems in BPD are sometimes called “identity diffusion.” This refers to difficulties determining who you are in relation to other people. Some people with BPD may describe this as having difficulties understanding where you “end” and the other person “begins.” As a result, many people with BPD struggle to set up and maintain healthy personal boundaries.
Does this help?
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tjay933
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #8 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:22:25 PM »
Excerpt
Hey y'all, listen. I understand that Borderlines are people too.
yes, they are people. borderline doesn't mean they are borderline 24/7. they can act normal too. and normal people have hobbies. i think i remember in one post you mentioned you thought she had moved on or had replaced you, right? did you ever find out on that or did i miss that part of one of your posts?
Excerpt
I have heard that people with BPD lack a sense of "self."
I don't know if you'd call it a "lack of sense of self" or rather a distorted sense of self. they generally idealize themselves while downplaying other people. it may be that when she isn't behaving with BPD traits that she has a more stable/realistic sense of self or she doesn't feel that she has to put on a show as much? especially around horses that can't be conned?
pwBPD cycle through "normal" times and "BPD" times. she just may currently be in a "normal" time. or she may not be BPD at all. hard to say. you're both quite young and she may have other hormonal things happening that could contribute to her BPD or BPD-like traits. it's hard for even trained professionals to properly diagnose someone let alone us uneducated people.
the important thing here is to adjust your focus from her to you. find ways to learn from the experience and learn more about what you want from the next relationship instead of focusing on the past. you can't really love someone unless you can love yourself first.
stay safe and treat yourself to something special today-you deserve it.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #9 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:30:44 PM »
I appreciate all the responses from everyone. Although I do feel a little hurt right now.
Let me add what I feel is appropriate to this thread, so the focus is more on me, not her.
I feel
Envious
of my ex girlfriend. At one point, I was the center of her whole universe (yes, it that unhealthy way), and I, well, took it for granted. I am
envious
of my exgf because, 53 days after our last contact, she's moved on with her life. Like nothing happened. Like she didn't drive an otherwise calm mannered, not an aggressive-bone-in-his-body person to his emotional limit through constant and persistent devaluation. It is her ability to internalize "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" that I envy of her. It would seem that as long as she and I aren't texting, I really do "cease to exist," and I wish it were the same way for me.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #10 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:32:16 PM »
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 08:22:25 PM
Excerpt
Hey y'all, listen. I understand that Borderlines are people too.
yes, they are people. borderline doesn't mean they are borderline 24/7. they can act normal too. and normal people have hobbies. i think i remember in one post you mentioned you thought she had moved on or had replaced you, right? did you ever find out on that or did i miss that part of one of your posts?
Replacement= Not as far as I know.
Moved on= Well. I mean, I guess so.
Excerpt
pwBPD cycle through "normal" times and "BPD" times. she just may currently be in a "normal" time. or she may not be BPD at all. hard to say. you're both quite young and she may have other hormonal things happening that could contribute to her BPD or BPD-like traits. it's hard for even trained professionals to properly diagnose someone let alone us uneducated people
If I didn't have over a years worth of hallmark BPD behavior, as well as conversations with an ex boyfriend (who knew her her entire life) who said that he experienced the same behaviors (just less severe, he admitted), as well as saying "She changed after her parent's divorce"
I would also just chalk it up to hormonal behavior.
Regardless, I enjoy all the advice and stories told here.
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JRT
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #11 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:35:20 PM »
Quote from: Reecer1588 on March 16, 2015, 08:30:44 PM
It is her ability to internalize "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" that I envy of her. It would seem that as long as she and I aren't texting, I really do "cease to exist," and I wish it were the same way for me.
Why would you envy that? That is cold and heartless and very no human... .at least not healthy human. Do you really want to be sociopathic in that respect? This was a HORRIBLE thing that she did. All of our ex's have done this or at least a flavor of it. We are all dealing with this and are feeling better... .but you must takes steps in that direction to do the same.
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JPH
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #12 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:37:46 PM »
Quote from: JRT on March 16, 2015, 08:13:13 PM
Hey y'all, listen. I understand that Borderlines are people too. That beyond their mental illness, there really is a person just like you or me.
If this wasn't the case it wouldn't be so damn hard to walk away from them.
Reecer, you're grasping at straws, man. I know you don't want to hear this, but you're 19! Your life is just getting good, and there are so many people, places and things ahead of you. It's normal to mourn the loss of the relationship, and if she does have a personality disorder then you've been on one heckuva ride. At some point though you must transition away from dwelling on her to focusing on healing and getting on with life. At 19 you have your pick of single women. Try being 40, when the dating pool has a lot fewer options and a lot more personality disordered individuals. Anyway, as I've advised previously, if she was a borderline then you've learned a priceless lesson at a very young age. And you have the opportunity to come out of this a better, stronger person who knows himself way better. You'll get there. It just takes some commitment and work on your part.
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tjay933
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #13 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:40:54 PM »
Excerpt
I feel Envious of my ex girlfriend.
please don't envy her. it's not healthy. i know you're hurting and rightly so but if you felt no pain then would you also feel no joy? they know no pain and no joy. you will get through this. she will not. she will still be the same today as with the next 50 relationships. you will come out stronger for it. you can re-gain yourself. it takes time. but you can do it.
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Mike-X
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #14 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:47:25 PM »
I am sorry, but I missed reading the "Thus nullifying BPD?" part of your title. I believe that I understand where that is coming from, but could you elaborate on the significance of that to you?
It seems that many members on the board are really routing for you to pull through this break-up.
Also, I saw that you were in college. If you don't mind sharing, what are you studying, and what are your plans for your future? I work at a university, by the way, and I enjoy hearing about students academic interests and future plans.
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Mike-X
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #15 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:51:17 PM »
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 08:40:54 PM
Excerpt
I feel Envious of my ex girlfriend.
please don't envy her. it's not healthy. i know you're hurting and rightly so but if you felt no pain then would you also feel no joy? they know no pain and no joy. you will get through this. she will not. she will still be the same today as with the next 50 relationships. you will come out stronger for it. you can re-gain yourself. it takes time. but you can do it.
After the devaluing that I experienced, I really don't know whether my udxGF has the fond memories anymore that she initially claimed to have. So a part of being able to paint people black could be losing all of those wonderful memories.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #16 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:51:28 PM »
Quote from: Mike-X on March 16, 2015, 08:47:25 PM
I am sorry, but I missed reading the "Thus nullifying BPD?" part of your title. I believe that I understand where that is coming from, but could you elaborate on the significance of that to you?
It seems that many members on the board are really routing for you to pull through this break-up.
Also, I saw that you were in college. If you don't mind sharing, what are you studying, and what are your plans for your future? I work at a university, by the way, and I enjoy hearing about students academic interests and future plans.
I am double majoring in Russian and German languages. I took 4 years of German in high school, and have spent 2 months in country. (different years). I am a self taught Russian speaker, and after 4-5 years of self-teaching, I qualified for advanced russian here at my college (small liberal arts, but top academic school in Texas). This summer I'm going to the Davis Middlebury School of Russian for 2 months. Junior year I'm hoping to spend abroad studying in Germany, if only for a semester. I want to go to law school, and study int'l law. Maybe work for the Government or int'l law firm in the future.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #17 on:
March 16, 2015, 08:56:26 PM »
Quote from: Mike-X on March 16, 2015, 08:51:17 PM
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 08:40:54 PM
Excerpt
I feel Envious of my ex girlfriend.
please don't envy her. it's not healthy. i know you're hurting and rightly so but if you felt no pain then would you also feel no joy? they know no pain and no joy. you will get through this. she will not. she will still be the same today as with the next 50 relationships. you will come out stronger for it. you can re-gain yourself. it takes time. but you can do it.
After the devaluing that I experienced, I really don't know whether my udxGF has the fond memories anymore that she initially claimed to have. So a part of being able to paint people black could be losing all of those wonderful memories.
How is that any way to live? How is, as my ex said "being glad to eliminate someone from your life" (at that point, it was me being eliminated) any way to live?
How is "your sorry ass needs to grow a pair, but I'm concerned about you" any way to live? How is any of this, any of what I've told y'all that she did, and what others have done to y'all, how is it any way to live? How is shutting off your emotions, erasing the fond memories you had of someone, always trying to control someone, or get the "upper hand" in a loving relationship, any way to live?
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #18 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:10:38 PM »
Quote from: Mike-X on March 16, 2015, 08:47:25 PM
I am sorry, but I missed reading the "Thus nullifying BPD?" part of your title. I believe that I understand where that is coming from, but could you elaborate on the significance of that to you?
It seems that many members on the board are really routing for you to pull through this break-up.
To answer this: I have to say that in my own contorted thinking, if she does indeed have BPD, then there are answers. Real, reliable answers. I'm a man of deep intellectual thought. Always have been this way. Very "left-brained." If she does indeed really have BPD, than
I'm not the crazy one.
2. Yes! It means a lot to me. People really do care.
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tjay933
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #19 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:16:59 PM »
Excerpt
To answer this: I have to say that in my own contorted thinking, if she does indeed have BPD, then there are answers. Real, reliable answers. I'm a man of deep intellectual thought. Always have been this way. Very "left-brained." If she does indeed really have BPD, than I'm not the crazy one.
based on what you have said and what her exbf said to you about her, she most likely does have BPD. but remember they do not behave with BPD traits all the time.
you are not the crazy one. only time will help you to appreciate this truth. it takes a lot to get back to base after a BPD r/s. it will take time for you as well.
great job on all the studies. so are you going overseas this year or next? great experience for you and good job getting where you are!
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #20 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:20:41 PM »
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 09:16:59 PM
Excerpt
To answer this: I have to say that in my own contorted thinking, if she does indeed have BPD, then there are answers. Real, reliable answers. I'm a man of deep intellectual thought. Always have been this way. Very "left-brained." If she does indeed really have BPD, than I'm not the crazy one.
based on what you have said and what her exbf said to you about her, she most likely does have BPD. but remember they do not behave with BPD traits all the time.
you are not the crazy one. only time will help you to appreciate this truth. it takes a lot to get back to base after a BPD r/s. it will take time for you as well.
great job on all the studies. so are you going overseas this year or next? great experience for you and good job getting where you are!
I'm a freshman now, so two years from now. Junior year. Thank you!
Sometimes I feel like I do not understand the severity of the disorder. Similar to how in the past I didn't fathom that I was an actual, full-blown gambling addict. Now when anyone asks me about it, I say "yes, I have a problem, therefore I cannot play cards with you. It would be like showing alcohol to a recovering alcoholic."
Difference between the exgf and Gambling? Gambling didn't tell me that it loved me. Gambling didn't betray and abandon me. I always knew, even when I was doing it, that it wasn't good behavior. In fact, the EXACT date I stopped all gambling was Oct 9th, 2014. All I did was call the online operator, impose a self-restriction, and I wrote letters to my parents and grandparents apologizing for throwing away thousands of dollars they had given me over the years. It took a serious mental breakdown in order for me to take those actions.
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tjay933
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 259
Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #21 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:24:39 PM »
sorry, i don't know the schedule. didn't get that far in education myself.
so then you have some time to pick up a new language, perhaps sign language for a challenge or an asian language?
what else do you like to do? sports? chess? swim? ski? hike? what clubs are you in or wanting to get into?
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #22 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:24:48 PM »
Excerpt
How is that any way to live? How is, as my ex said "being glad to eliminate someone from your life" (at that point, it was me being eliminated) any way to live?
It's survival, coping tools and defense mechanism practiced by someone because it works better than other options, or may be the only options they can see, to deal with extreme emotions they can't deal with otherwise.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #23 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:30:37 PM »
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 09:24:39 PM
sorry, i don't know the schedule. didn't get that far in education myself.
so then you have some time to pick up a new language, perhaps sign language for a challenge or an asian language?
what else do you like to do? sports? chess? swim? ski? hike? what clubs are you in or wanting to get into?
At this point, I'm content with furthering my knowledge of Russian/German.
I play pick-up basketball at my school almost every night. Since august of 2014, I've lost now 30 pounds. I'm 5'11" tall, and I weighed 216 at my max weight (While I was dating my exgf, coincidence?), But through a program and self-determination, I've gone down to 186 pounds. I'm hoping that I can get down to like 180. Unfortunately, the weight is kind of just falling off now. I have considerably less appetite. I'm hoping that my stress with this whole situation isn't playing a role.
I've played tennis my whole life, and I'm playing that occasionally now in college. I also go fishing down in corpus christi, always have loved fishing.
To tell you the truth, my family has told me that while I was dating my ex, I seemed more "closed-off", and that although this whole crisis with her was horrible, I do seem to them like more of an open person.
I no longer have anxiety attacks watching the "... ." of a pending text message from her. I have lost 30 pounds of what probably was stress weight honestly.
My body is definitely telling me something.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #24 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:35:31 PM »
Quote from: fromheeltoheal on March 16, 2015, 09:24:48 PM
How is that any way to live? How is, as my ex said "being glad to eliminate someone from your life" (at that point, it was me being eliminated) any way to live?
It's survival, coping tools and defense mechanism practiced by someone because it works better than other options, or may be the only options they can see, to deal with extreme emotions they can't deal with otherwise.
You know, I really wish this deal weren't a mental disorder. I told my ex over and over again to be absolutely comfortable around me. To tell me anything, and to never worry about me judging her. And for months, it seemed like she internalized it. But when push came to shove, I lost.
I feel like my anger and my distrust now is switching from her to the disorder. I'm mad at BPD. I'm mad that it took her from me. I'm mad that this disorder dictated how she was around me. I feel like I saw glimpses of the little girl, her 'real self' when I was close with her.
And I'm mad at this disorder for taking that from me.
In some ways, I guess this is how some people feel towards cancer.
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tjay933
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #25 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:42:35 PM »
you sound like a very active person. keep up with that and stay active. find what you love and do that more often. looks like you never really lost the find what you love. that's great.
yes, you probably did some stress weight loss-who wouldn't? think i gained weight after mine left-i guess i needed the stress to keep the weight down? still don't care if i gained a few-it was worth to get myself back.
i must say, writing must be very therapeutic for you. you sound in better spirits now than earlier this evening. are you feeling any better? have you figured anything out either about her or yourself over the course of the night? any
moments? if not, maybe it'll sink in and you'll get some a bit later? i know i have to let things sink in before
comes but when it does, does it ever.
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ShadowIntheNight
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
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Reply #26 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:47:31 PM »
You'll find it hard to believe, but once you start traveling and meeting new folks, your uBPDexgf will kind of fade from your mind. That's what happens when your 19.
You think you know how she is feeling because you are projecting how she feels inside based on how you perceive her to look on the outside. Sometimes people say stuff just because they haven't got a lick of sense in their head. People have done it to me, I've done it to others. You just have to let it go. Dd it cross your mind that she copes with her stress or feelings by participating in her hobby? It's what I do because when you are involved with your hobby you don't have to think of anyone or anything else. It helps calm you.
I've played tennis my whole life too. Started playing when I was 11 and now it's been 43 years. When everything sucks in the world, I go play tennis. You can't hit a tennis ball and play a competitive match of tennis and dwell on your exgf. I know. I had to play last summer and Fall when the ___ hit the fan. At first it was very hard. I would actually have small anxiety attacks b/c of my ex's actions. I'd start thinking about what she had done and I would mentally have to calm myself down. I did it because I had made a commitment to other people to be there once a week. I played this morning. And probably only thought about her 5 minutes the entire 1.5 hours. Which isn't to say that I've stopped thinking of her so much. Quite the contrary. But it does help to blunt the blow. Not as much as I'd like tho, because we were together almost 10 yrs. That's a long damned time.
Still bud you cant analyze why she's feeling by what's she's doing with horses or Jesus. Only Jesus knows why she's doing it! Still every one of us has been around your age and lost what we thought was the one and only love of our lives. I'm glad the woman I was so crazy for back then wasn't the love of my life. We would have had nothing in common today.
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Reecer1588
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #27 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:49:05 PM »
Quote from: tjay933 on March 16, 2015, 09:42:35 PM
you sound like a very active person. keep up with that and stay active. find what you love and do that more often. looks like you never really lost the find what you love. that's great.
yes, you probably did some stress weight loss-who wouldn't? think i gained weight after mine left-i guess i needed the stress to keep the weight down? still don't care if i gained a few-it was worth to get myself back.
i must say, writing must be very therapeutic for you. you sound in better spirits now than earlier this evening. are you feeling any better? have you figured anything out either about her or yourself over the course of the night? any
moments? if not, maybe it'll sink in and you'll get some a bit later? i know i have to let things sink in before
comes but when it does, does it ever.
Writing indeed is very therapeutic for me. I write on here to 'release my demons' so-to-speak. I know that it would make it seem to others that I am not moving forward, actually, I think I am.
I have figured out that regardless of how I behaved, she was going to leave me at some point or another. JRT's story is a great example of this. And really, there was no maintaining a close platonic friendship with her, either. JRT's thread on that topic also made that clear.
My ex drove me to my emotional limit. She pushed me beyond it. And her behavior influenced the way in which I so strongly struck back at her. I feel like with a normal, non PD person, after 53 days, I would have been able to come to some sort of an agreement, reconcile something. A non PD individual would have recognized my later efforts to sincerely apologize (note e-mail #2: written in my introductory thread), and they would have responded in kind.
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Mike-X
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Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #28 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:51:52 PM »
Quote from: Reecer1588 on March 16, 2015, 09:35:31 PM
You know, I really wish this deal weren't a mental disorder. I told my ex over and over again to be absolutely comfortable around me. To tell me anything, and to never worry about me judging her. And for months, it seemed like she internalized it. But when push came to shove, I lost.
I feel like my anger and my distrust now is switching from her to the disorder. I'm mad at BPD. I'm mad that it took her from me. I'm mad that this disorder dictated how she was around me. I feel like I saw glimpses of the little girl, her 'real self' when I was close with her.
And I'm mad at this disorder for taking that from me.
In some ways, I guess this is how some people feel towards cancer.
I wished and wished and wished that it was just a mood thing that would pass, that I could change the way I was communicating with her and it would pass, that it was some kind of psychotic episode that would pass, that I could say some magical words and it would pass, that low contact to no contact long enough would get her to miss me and remember the love that we shared and it would pass... .
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Reecer1588
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Posts: 396
Re: Could this be her "Sense of Self"? Thus Nullifying BPD?
«
Reply #29 on:
March 16, 2015, 09:55:23 PM »
Quote from: Mike-X on March 16, 2015, 09:51:52 PM
Quote from: Reecer1588 on March 16, 2015, 09:35:31 PM
You know, I really wish this deal weren't a mental disorder. I told my ex over and over again to be absolutely comfortable around me. To tell me anything, and to never worry about me judging her. And for months, it seemed like she internalized it. But when push came to shove, I lost.
I feel like my anger and my distrust now is switching from her to the disorder. I'm mad at BPD. I'm mad that it took her from me. I'm mad that this disorder dictated how she was around me. I feel like I saw glimpses of the little girl, her 'real self' when I was close with her.
And I'm mad at this disorder for taking that from me.
In some ways, I guess this is how some people feel towards cancer.
I wished and wished and wished that it was just a mood thing that would pass, that I could change the way I was communicating with her and it would pass, that it was some kind of psychotic episode that would pass, that I could say some magical words and it would pass, that low contact to no contact long enough would get her to miss me and remember the love that we shared and it would pass... .
'
Yup. And even now, as much as it pains me to say this. I'm still hoping, wishing, praying that if enough time passes, her engulfment issues with me will start to fade away, and she'll start to paint me white again. Because right now, I know I've been painted a deep shade of black.
Point:
Intellectually understanding something and emotionally understanding something are two very different things. Only through this experience have I come to learn this.
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