Completely new to understanding my partner has BPD and feeling hopeless

[Strikingtwelves]

I am brand new to discovering my partner has BPD. I have literally had this knowledge for a week. At first it was a rush of relief. I have been with my partner for nearly a year and a half. I love this man. We have plans to get engaged, we are supposed to moving in together in a few months and there is so much about him that is wonderful. In my bones, I have always been sure he is my person. But we have struggled so much. At first, I thought it was all my fault. I danced like a puppet to acquiesce to every request. I've been in therapy for my own anxiety and even though I felt I had made significant progress before meeting him, I found myself in my therapist's office more often, citing myself as the problem. I knew something wasn't right. When we get into heated arguments and he would make me cry, he only got angrier and meaner. On the one hand, I found myself apologizing for not being able to "control" my emotions and on the other hand, I knew that seeing your partner in distress (as he saw me) should not engender feelings of fury. And then, when he got over whatever the problem was, he would act like it was no big deal and like I was crazy for getting so upset.

So yes, when I finally found myself googling emotional abuse and stumbling upon an article on BPD, I felt relief. It was like all the craziness of the past year made sense. It was like looking at my life through a mirror. I started reading books and made an appointment with my therapist to work out strategies and deal with my emotions. I realize that Rome wasn't built in a day but I immediately out to work some suggestions to diffuse what normally became huge arguments. I love him and want to stay but I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like I am mourning his loss because now I know that this is not something that will pass as soon as I act perfect enough, this is who he is and our future will include his BPD. I'm angry with him, even though I know it's not something he does on purpose. So much of his behaviors and views of the world make sense now, but I'm so frustrated that he can't see the world like a non-BPD person. I can see him making efforts to get a hold of himself, and he is not oblivious to the fact that he has some issues (he is only willing to concede that he has some anxiety and insecurity issues) and knowing what I do now about BPD I am proud because I get how hard it must be for him to realize that he is struggling with his emotions.

I also realize how important it is for me to set boundaries, practice self care and be secure in myself but I am struggling with all of those things right now! I don't even know where to start. I forget what it's like to live my life not walking on eggshells. I forget what it's like to not be worrying about him and our relationship constantly because I don't want to upset him or do the wrong thing (I know that's now impossible!). I have been beholden to his emotions that I don't know what it's like to be off the roller coaster. If he is having a good day, so am I. If he is not, neither am I. I used to feel so happy and satisfied when things were normal and now, even when he isn't acting out, I can't enjoy it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and intimacy is way in the backseat.

I guess what I am saying is that my eyes are open and I feel a bit lost. I want to have the strength to do this because I love him and there is so much good in our relationship. And I don't think, despite our challenges, that he won't try to meet me half way. I know I have to change myself and how I deal with everything. But I am so tired. I feel relieved and hopeless at the same time. I'm sure you've all been there and I'm grateful to have found this board. Does it get better? Is the grief and frustration I'm feeling all part of the process?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oooohm]

Strikingtwelves,

Welcome.

I am new to posting on the boards but have been "viewing" them and reading everything I can get my hands on for 11 years.

The Lessons on the Right---->

and the articles on the home page are invaluable.

I went thru an over whelming grieving process when I first "figured it out". Anger, resentment, sadness, denial, acceptance.

My first instinct was to try to get my wife to read some of the books and forums I was reading... .That was a mistake !

After 11 years of me being BPD "aware" (22 years of marriage total) I have come to the realization that I Love My Wife... .however, She is not the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. (That took years for me to accept)

The best advice I can give you... .What worked for me... .   Work on yourself. Take pride in your accomplishments. Become a strong, confident, sympathetic person. Use the Lessons on the right. Understand this is a marathon, not a sprint. Enjoy the small moments in your life that give you pleasure.

Read the ":)esiderata" everyday.

Keep posting... .your NOT alone.

[Aurylian]

Strikingtwelves,

Welcome to the board!  You will find a lot of resources here that can help. 

It sounds like you came upon this discovery at the perfect time.  I would highly advise reading up as much as you can start practicing the lessons too.  I think that will give you guidance as to where to go from here.

After you have taken the time to learn up on communication techniques, what do you think about gating the decision to move it, and gating the decision to get engaged on making sure he is committed to working on his issues? 

Now would be a prime time to make sure he is committed to treatment.  After you are all in it could become much more difficult.

[Rockylove]

 

Welcome!

I've been where you are.  I've armed myself with all of the information I could find.  I worked at changing my responses to my uBPDh and it worked... .for a while... .then it didn't and I've had to come back and seek more advise from folks who have dealt with this illness longer than I have.  I'm grateful for every word.  Some of the suggestions work and some don't.  You'll have ups and downs just like any relationship although they may be more intense.  Hang in there!  We're all here for the same reason.

[waverider]

 

Couple of things

What is the history of your anxitey problems? It is likely that this aspect is what enabled the bond in the first place as pwBPD are very good at validating others when they first meet.

to move forward you will need to rid yourself of the notion that the future can be turned back to the initial promise it looked like. Doesn't mean you can't have a good future but it wont be that one.

Focus on building your own self confidence and rights as an individual.

The tools on this site will help guide you towards minimizing unnecessary conflict. Though some effective confrontations will still be needed to achieve this.

Be clear in your mind why you are staying in this relationship as it needs a commitment based on willing choice rather than survival by default of no easy alternative.

Above all ask lots of questions, there are no silly questions here.

If you start to doubt yourself, don't worry we all have cause to doubt ourselves, the trick is keep self questioning in proportion. We are not heros we just do our best.

[Strikingtwelves]

Hi all, this is really really helpful!

@Rockylove - Thanks for the perspective, it's good to know that others have had this experience. I think you are right, every relationship has its ups and downs and in this case it's more intense. I think I am just struggling to reconcile that with all the new information I've been presented. I guess I have to get comfortable with trial and error!

@waverider - I have had issues with anxiety off and on throughout my life. My father was an alcoholic who never quite got over his anger issues even after he got sober so my life was pretty chaotic growing up. For awhile, I thrived in that chaos, just trying to please and make happy everyone around me so we could just be a "normal" family. But it's an exhausting pace! I starting going to therapy long before I met him because I felt I was not really dealing with stress and transition in my life in a healthy way. I had a demanding job amongst other things and I was diagnosed with a case of mild OCD. I had been doing pretty good before I met him. I didn't need to check things so much, I was decent at identifying when I was feeling anxious and doing healthy things to manage my stress. I was backing off from the people-pleasing habits. You're right, when we first met he was so good at being supportive and accepting of me. But then when he started unleashing the rages, my anxiety just took over again and I became hyper-vigilant in trying to do everything right which only made things worse! Your advice is good. I need to know that the confident and kind person I am at work and with friends and family is who I am in real life, and when he makes me out to be a monster I need to remind myself that it's not true.

@Aurylian - Yes! I am definitely reading. I am actually pumping the breaks a bit. My roommate just notified me that she was moving out early and before learning about BPD, I was all ready to temporarily move in with him until we found a place. But I've decided that is not a good idea and I need to maintain my own space until we figure some things out. At the very least, I've got to get a handle on myself.

@Ooohm - Yes, yes, and yes! I feel like I lost myself and gave a lot of myself up trying to fix things and now I want to reclaim some of that. I don't want to worry about him all day or be beholden to his moves. I want to do and enjoy things for myself and feel confident and capable without needing him to validate that.

[Notwendy]

My mother has BPD and she also drank. I can relate to your story and the idea of thinking that jumping to meet your parents or partners needs and just being what they want you to be will result in them being the loving people you feel they are capable of being. I can relate to believing this because sometimes they can be.

It is also easy to believe that their being wonderful is the result of our efforts to make them happy because that works sometimes. This also makes it easy to believe that when they are raging at us, and blaming us, that we are the cause. However, their moods are intrinsic to them and we don't really have control over them.

Waverider makes a good point about predisposing issues such as anxiety and the dysfunction we grew up can play out in our adult relationships and understanding ourselves can help us understand our behavior in relationships.

I think it is good that you are not planning major changes-for now- and taking the time to learn more about what is going on in the relationship. Of note- pwBPD are very sensitive to changes that can trigger their abandonment fears. Looking back at the times that I have made changes that do this- made individual plans when we were dating or been withdrawn in the marriage- these were times that it did appear as if the old days were back as my H became the attentive romantic guy he was. However, this behavior was not consistent. Since I have been in T, codependency 12 step groups, ACOA , I have made changes in my behaviors that were enabling his dysfunction. I think the personal work is worth it for me.

[GeorgeTheDifferent]

I am brand new to discovering my partner has BPD. I have literally had this knowledge for a week. At first it was a rush of relief. [... .] I am so tired. I feel relieved and hopeless at the same time.

I will use the words I heard here at first: I'm so sorry u are here. I am just one week ahead of you so I'm still feeling exactly the same way you are.

Thank God you don't have children yet. And take your time. I'm on rollercoaster and every day swingin from being hopeful to hopeless. I think it has to be this way for a while... .I'm with you. Keep sharing your story.