Ran into Her Last Night

[Depression = 72% of members]

I ran into my exNPDw last night for the first time in 6 months. I was meeting a friend for a beer for St Pats day. I had been doing well up until that time. She was holding hands with her new boyfriend, giggling and laughing cutely, then she saw me, waved and smiled nicely (fakely), and I just couldn't be friendly back. I walked right by her, within two feet, and said nothing. I heard her say to her new man as I walked off, "that is my ex husband". I had to look back and they were both looking at me. The full emotional tremors from the experience were delayed and after a few minutes I broke down and cried like a baby. My friend who I was meeting downtown showed up shortly afterward, fortunately, and he listened and cared for and talked with me.

This morning I woke up revisiting the experience. I had no idea so much pain could return. I wanted to warn her new man. I wanted to talk with her about her life. I wanted to shout at her about her disrespectful BS and her lies and manipulations. My head understands that we are done and need to be done. My heart is still totally attached to her. I hate feeling this way. I am not suicidal, but I understand the idea of just wanting the pain to stop. I don't know how to make the pain stop. And I cannot stop thinking about her.

I love her still, so much, even though she was so terrible to me. I need her out of my head and there isn't anything anyone can say or do to help achieve that.

Blah

[Glutton4punishment]

I ran into my exNPDw last night for the first time in 6 months. I was meeting a friend for a beer for St Pats day. I had been doing well up until that time. She was holding hands with her new boyfriend, giggling and laughing cutely, then she saw me, waved and smiled nicely (fakely), and I just couldn't be friendly back. I walked right by her, within two feet, and said nothing. I heard her say to her new man as I walked off, "that is my ex husband". I had to look back and they were both looking at me. The full emotional tremors from the experience were delayed and after a few minutes I broke down and cried like a baby. My friend who I was meeting downtown showed up shortly afterward, fortunately, and he listened and cared for and talked with me.

This morning I woke up revisiting the experience. I had no idea so much pain could return. I wanted to warn her new man. I wanted to talk with her about her life. I wanted to shout at her about her disrespectful BS and her lies and manipulations. My head understands that we are done and need to be done. My heart is still totally attached to her. I hate feeling this way. I am not suicidal, but I understand the idea of just wanting the pain to stop. I don't know how to make the pain stop. And I cannot stop thinking about her.

I love her still, so much, even though she was so terrible to me. I need her out of my head and there isn't anything anyone can say or do to help achieve that.

Blah

[LimboFL]

I can't think of anything more difficult. I am sorry glutton. Stay strong! My ex mentioned leaving town and I am hoping that it happens soon. Not only because it would negate any chance of seeing her again but also because I will feel like the city is all mine.

Very difficult, just remember that Mr. smartass will not be smiling in time to come. He will be punished just as you were.

You can do better!

[vbor]

I really feel for you friend. That had to be incredibly painful.

But here's the thing... .when and if that day ever comes for me (and it most likely will, it's a small town) I hope to carry myself just as well as you did in that moment. To tell you the truth... .right now, I'm not sure if I could. I haven't been tested like that yet and the thought of my first encounter with my ex terrifies me.

I really needed needed to hear your story tonight.

I give you much respect.

The tears don't make you weak. They show how deeply you are capable of feeling. Rely on those tears. Rely on talks with your friends.

In the end... .I'm certain that we all come out of this "thing" much wiser and with much more respect and love for ourselves.

[Glutton4punishment]

I don't know how to let it go. I want to more than anything.

[rlhmm]

hey glutton, i feel for ya man. i really do. you did the right thing by not showing any emotion in front of them. i had the same thing happen to me on new years no less... .i wish i had your strength to stay cool, but i didnt, i was so triggered by seeing her and how she was dressed(she looked like a damned floozy), and seeing her with that ugly s.o. b. that i about flipped. make a long story short. she saw i was upset and i'm sure it fed her sick ego. i wish i had quietly excused myself as you did. i did excuse myself but not before "showing my hand" first. thats what i regret about that experience... .such is life... .and i'm confrontational. that wont change about me. so kudos to you! hang tough, talk it out, and let time pass. make sure you have your NC intact so that she cant stalk you in case that wasnt an accident. keep your poker face bro! best of luck, my friend!   

[Suzn]

I don't know how to let it go. I want to more than anything.

I'm sorry this happened. Most members on this board have felt this way at one point or another my friend. 

Talking about this is a big part of letting it go but it takes time.

Crying will release this pain. It's a good thing though it doesn't feel very good.

We're here for you. 

[downwhim]

I am so sorry for your pain. Ignoring her and walking by was the right thing to do.

I do not want to bump into my ex with his replacement so I am actually moving to a neighboring city. I am practically in his backyard now with too many triggers around me.  I will do anything not to experience the run-in.

6 months is not that long... .keep posting and know we are all here to listen... .

[Suzn]

How are you doing today?

[Mike-X]

On the one hand, I am sorry that you had that experience, because of the pain and anxiety that you experienced. On the other hand, I wonder if there is an opportunity for growth that you wouldn't have been aware of had you not had this experience. I am glad that you are on the board sharing and that I got to read your story.

By the way, I met up with friends recently who weren't  sure about my breakup and asked about it right away. I actually got choked up when I let them know that she moved out. I got choked up again when I was telling them a story about her daughter. I just laughed and said, "I guess you all can tell that I am still not over this."

[Mike-X]

I am glad that you had friend there to listen to you too. 

[Deeno02]

Glutton,

Similar thing except I knew it was going to happen(she coaches my sons VB team). Still, I was nervous as hell and didnt have any idea how it would go. Well, I saw her there. First time we seen each other in 7 months. You know what? I felt contempt and a bit of nostalgia. Thats it. Her on the other hand, avoided me like the plague. No eye contact, nothing. I know it doesnt compare, but I just want to let you know it does get better. Its a process, but it does get to a point where those feelings are dampened. They may not go away totally, but they will be as tolerable as they can be. Hang in there and keep posting.

[Glutton4punishment]

Well I keep being revisited by the memory of her laughing and holding his hand and looking as sweet and beautiful as ever. This is incredibly painful as that was me less than a year ago holding her hand. Yesterday my whole body hurt all over. I couldn't stop thinking about this. Hopefully today is better. I have always allowed my heart to lead, which is one of the things she fell in love with me for, but this is problematic at times like this. I can't stop obsessing about this. Of course, when I allow my head to lead, it's not difficult to put it alll into perspective quickly. This poor man has no idea what is coming his way. Once she decides he is not so special, once the fuzzy newness has worn off, he'll be treated with criticism and rage and he'll be left wondering why his needs don't seem to matter at all. The real her is the one that manipulated her version of reality and pushed me out the door, blaming everything on me in the process. I feel sorry for him. But I know how he feels now. She is so pretty and so effing hot that it's easy to overlook red flags because you want to secure that forever.

My problem is that before I met her I wasn't entirely happy. I have been lonely and trying to find the right mate for years now. So getting back to where I was isn't a gratifying process. I am not suicidal, but I am the closest I have ever been to feeling like I just can't take it anymore. The pain is too much. When I feel this way, and revisit the scene with her holding hands with new guy, I feel physical pain unlike any other I've felt before. I married this woman and meant everything I said. I just had no idea what surprises she was waiting to share with me until AFTER we were married. One would think all of these negative realities would overbear the positive ones, but for me they don't. They all seem to coexist in my mind. And the happy memories are the ones I seem to gravitate towards by default. I hate that.

I have never liked pretending to be or feel a certain way that I am not. When my heart is broken, I feel it is dishonest to act any other way. But of course, this gives power to other people and makes me look weak. Before I saw her I wanted to write her an email again, just telling her that I still had not been with anyone else and didn't want anyone else. I hoped she may come back around. The thing is, I wrote that exact email in December and her response was incredibly painful to me. When I thought she couldn't hurt me anymore she totally let loose on me and devauled our whole relationship and called me names. So, I know better than to do that again, and seeing her on Tuesday with another guy just solidified that she really has moved on and doesn't need/want to hear diddly squat from me. So I guess that was th good thing to come of this. There is no mistake, we are done.

I just keep telling myself, I was always good to her. I was a good man, a good stepfather, a good husband. Someday she is going to remember that. But the reality is that she probably never will.

[Mike-X]

I just finished reading through your posts. What lessons have you read through on this board? Have you read about FOG, in particular?

Do you feel that it is ok to allow yourself time to heal and grieve this loss? Do you feel love and compassion for yourself for this loss that you are experiencing?

It is also good that you have a supportive counselor who accepts that she has a disorder. What are you working on with the counselor, if you don't mind sharing?

[Glutton4punishment]

I have read through all of the lessons but maybe I should read through them again. I have also read a dozen psych/self help books. I have been trying to educate myself, but my heart seems unaffected.

I am not being hard on myself for still grieving the loss, but I would like to move on. I am tired of being alone. Even though our relationship was not healthy, she was a fighter not a lover, required chaos with me in her life, and everything was her way or no way at all, I did enjoy having a family of my own. I have been alone for so many years I am just terrified of that always being the case. I need to feel optimism, but I don't.

I applied to a Masters program in counseling a few weeks ago, interviewed last week, and was excited for new beginnings. I was feeling optimistic about that. I just opened the letter from them telling me they were sorry but I was not accepted. I have experienced enough rejection in the last few months to last an entire decade. When I allow myself to feel sorry for myself, it's a massive downward spiral and death seems welcoming.

My counselor and I have been talking a lot about my ex and how she has not been a healthy partner. We have also been talking about my anxious attachment style and how I need to identify poor prospects early on and let them go. I also have issues with being too hard on myself. I accept responsibility for too much. I have been playing the woulda coulda shoulda game for months now, wondering what I cold have done differently to affect a more positive outcome. I need to accept that improved efforts on my part would have only delayed the inevitable. What our relationship needed was improved efforts on her part, and I can't make that happen.

I should be happy that I didn't waste any more time with this woman, and sometimes I feel that way. Often though, in my heart, I love her dearly and want to fix things. I just want to talk with her and open her up and reestablish trust and make everything better. That's my delusion.

[Mike-X]

I have read through all of the lessons but maybe I should read through them again. I have also read a dozen psych/self help books. I have been trying to educate myself, but my heart seems unaffected.

I am not being hard on myself for still grieving the loss, but I would like to move on. I am tired of being alone. Even though our relationship was not healthy, she was a fighter not a lover, required chaos with me in her life, and everything was her way or no way at all , I did enjoy having a family of my own. I have been alone for so many years I am just terrified of that always being the case. I need to feel optimism, but I don't.

My counselor and I have been talking a lot about my ex and how she has not been a healthy partner. We have also been talking about my anxious attachment style and how I need to identify poor prospects early on and let them go. I also have issues with being too hard on myself. I accept responsibility for too much. I have been playing the woulda coulda shoulda game for months now, wondering what I cold have done differently to affect a more positive outcome. I need to accept that improved efforts on my part would have only delayed the inevitable. What our relationship needed was improved efforts on her part, and I can't make that happen.

But you know that ultimately there is nothing that you could have done, right? Maybe a thing or two to have reduced some of the conflict or prolonged the ultimate ending, but my bet is that you bent over backward trying to please this woman (I let my GF walk all over my boundaries and values, smh).

If she has BPD, it can be a very severe mental disorder. Even if you were the most skilled of BPD counselors, she would have to want the counseling, i.e., get past her own denial, etc. She needs to commit to deep, long-term therapy to heal. And as I am sure you have read, many therapists won't work with people with borderline personality disorder.

In my opinion, you should pat yourself on the back for surviving and even trying to stick it out.

[Mike-X]

I applied to a Masters program in counseling a few weeks ago, interviewed last week, and was excited for new beginnings. I was feeling optimistic about that. I just opened the letter from them telling me they were sorry but I was not accepted. I have experienced enough rejection in the last few months to last an entire decade. When I allow myself to feel sorry for myself, it's a massive downward spiral and death seems welcoming.

I am sorry to hear about the Masters program. It is difficult to get in to graduate school. Have you considered talking to a faculty member in the program to get some feedback on improving your application? Are there other programs in your area? Often counseling programs are offered through psychology, education, health science, etc. Plus, some schools offer addiction-specific programs etc.  BTW, I applied to 11 graduate programs the year that I tried to get in and received offers from 2. A friend of mine applied to 13 and also only received offers from 2. Are you able to relocate?

Even with this, you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself. You are in the minority of people who even took a shot, so you should be proud of that.

[Mike-X]

I am not being hard on myself for still grieving the loss, but I would like to move on. I am tired of being alone.

It is good that you are not being hard on yourself and allowing yourself to grieve. From your original post, I thought that you might have tried to avoid grieving or not given yourself enough time, and that is why it struck you so hard when you saw her.

I get the tired of being alone feeling, too, but you want and deserve a healthy nurturing relationship, right? I thought that that is what I had with all of the idealization at the beginning of the relationship, smh.

[Glutton4punishment]

I expect she was dating within the first month of our break up. The hardest part is wondering if she ever really loved me. I woke up at 2:10 am, two hours ago, with perfect hi def recall of her walking hand in hand with this new guy. It woke me straight up. I think it must have made her happy to know I was hurting. She had a good man, me. And she discarded me and created this story for herself that I left her so she could be a victim. She is not a GD victim! I am so angry at her. What they say about falling in love with a narcissist is absolutely true, you spend the rest of the relationship, and even after that, trying to find that feeling again, the bliss that we experienced in the beginning. Somehow my heart doesn't seem to understand that those feelings and those moments in our relationship were FALSE.

I just want her out of my head. So bad. I'm a good guy. I didn't deserve her emotional abuse and lies and manipulations. She fooled me, took my self confidence and my money, and moved right quick into some other dudes life. I should feel sorry for him, but those feelings aren't with me.

I don't know how to resolve these feelings. I need a lobotomy.

[Deeno02]

I expect she was dating within the first month of our break up. The hardest part is wondering if she ever really loved me. I woke up at 2:10 am, two hours ago, with perfect hi def recall of her walking hand in hand with this new guy. It woke me straight up. I think it must have made her happy to know I was hurting. She had a good man, me. And she discarded me and created this story for herself that I left her so she could be a victim. She is not a GD victim! I am so angry at her. What they say about falling in love with a narcissist is absolutely true, you spend the rest of the relationship, and even after that, trying to find that feeling again, the bliss that we experienced in the beginning. Somehow my heart doesn't seem to understand that those feelings and those moments in our relationship were FALSE.

I just want her out of my head. So bad. I'm a good guy. I didn't deserve her emotional abuse and lies and manipulations. She fooled me, took my self confidence and my money, and moved right quick into some other dudes life. I should feel sorry for him, but those feelings aren't with me.

I don't know how to resolve these feelings. I need a lobotomy.

Its all good. Mine moved on within a week after dumping me. I dont think my ass imprint was even gone from the couch yet before her old college buddy was sitting there. There is no expiration to grief, dont let anyone tell you different. All part of the process my man. Look to your right. See the links on the side? Read them, regurgitate them try to live them. I have as much as I can and Im somewhere in the 4 to 5 area now. Mostly 5. Like I said in a previous post, she coaches my son's VB team. I saw her at the parents meeting. She looked nervous, I wasnt. It was a good judge of my therapy and this forum and the great people on it. Its been 7 months now and Im coming to terms with the loss. Doesnt mean I still dont miss her, but I miss the good her. When I think of the bad stuff, thats what makes me thankful shes someone elses problem now. Im getting better, she wont.

[rjones91]

Pat yourself on the back for not breaking down in front of her and her new victim. Or even showing them any type of sad emotions. You were stronger than you think.

[Mike-X]

I expect she was dating within the first month of our break up. The hardest part is wondering if she ever really loved me. I woke up at 2:10 am, two hours ago, with perfect hi def recall of her walking hand in hand with this new guy. It woke me straight up. I think it must have made her happy to know I was hurting. She had a good man, me. And she discarded me and created this story for herself that I left her so she could be a victim. She is not a GD victim! I am so angry at her. What they say about falling in love with a narcissist is absolutely true, you spend the rest of the relationship, and even after that, trying to find that feeling again, the bliss that we experienced in the beginning. Somehow my heart doesn't seem to understand that those feelings and those moments in our relationship were FALSE.

I just want her out of my head. So bad. I'm a good guy. I didn't deserve her emotional abuse and lies and manipulations. She fooled me, took my self confidence and my money, and moved right quick into some other dudes life. I should feel sorry for him, but those feelings aren't with me.

I don't know how to resolve these feelings. I need a lobotomy.

A couple of things... .my therapist suggested that I work on loving myself and providing self-validation. It hit me hard when she said this. I got choked up. Have you thought about this?

Have you worked on depersonalizing things?

[Glutton4punishment]

I know that I take things too personally. I would be grateful to learn of any exercises that could help get me through this.

My ex-wife was terrible at giving me any validation at all for the hell that I was going through. Everything was my fault. She was unable to see how her actions and decisions hurt me. I have a long list of lies and manipulations and half-truths and general BS that was very hurtful to me.

[Mike-X]

I know that I take things too personally. I would be grateful to learn of any exercises that could help get me through this.

My ex-wife was terrible at giving me any validation at all for the hell that I was going through. Everything was my fault. She was unable to see how her actions and decisions hurt me. I have a long list of lies and manipulations and half-truths and general BS that was very hurtful to me.

With depersonalizing and BPD, I would try to recognize periods of dysregulation when we were together and label them as that and say in my head, "this is not about you." It was easy to do with texts and emails, and it became easier with face-to-face confrontations. I have done that with memories that come to me to. Good memories are about us, and bad memories are about the disorder. The categorizations are probably not all true, and there are lots of gray areas. But for me it is an attempt at depersonalizing even the negative memories.

With the "this is not about you" stuff, I have started doing this in all kinds of contexts, work exchanges, meetings with my ex wife, etc. I guess that I need to do it more when in heavy traffic. LOL. Passive-aggressive cheap shots, aggressive cheap shots, rage, guilt-laden attacks and pleas, etc. really are more about the other person's emotional regulation, psychology, and communication skills than anything you might have done. 

Validation was extremely difficult to get from my ex wife and, after the idealization phase, from my udxGF. I remember explicitly asking for it a couple of times, and both just refusing, saying that they just couldn't do that.