Parents begging me to contact uBPD brother

[sarahsoon]

I've been no contact with my uBPD older brother (age 35) for 3 years. He's been in and out of my life since I was about 15, but this is the longest no contact period. Long story short, he manipulates my parents into whatever enables him to have no job and be financially taken care of, including using outright lies. I had had enough, stopped talking to him, and told my parents I didn't want to hear anything about him.

This worked well when he lived states away. Out of sight, out of mind. He's recently moved back to town (on their expense of course) after breaking up with another girlfriend. I know for a fact he hasn't changed-- my mom slipped when she was frustrated and read a text from him where he was using their recent purchase of a car to manipulate them into giving him money, and I know they found and rented him an apartment.

Dad told me once he views him as a disabled child, and even though he's aware he's being manipulated, he couldn't bear to lose contact with him and that my brother would do that if they don't do what he wants. I understand they feel that's what they have to do, and I thought I had made it clear that I was not interested in a relationship with my brother regardless, but recently my dad in particular has started dropping lines like "you should call your brother" and "he's coming for dinner Tuesday night, you are invited."  Then brother texted me saying "hey you probably heard I moved to town" after my mom gave him my phone number. Mom texted me with "look he's making an effort" and it was everything I could do not to respond with sarcasm. (An effort worthy of note would be getting a job, getting a life, and getting off their payroll, not a text after 3 years.) It's like they think the no contact just came out of nowhere and time will have healed everything magically.

I have so far ignored all texts, but it came up in person today and I froze. I don't do well with conflict and I really don't like upsetting my parents-- I mean they have enough of that in their life, don't they. But then again, they don't have the right to manipulate me into doing something I know isn't right for me. My worst fear is that they'll trick me by inviting him to dinner or something and not telling me he's coming. I'll be ambushed. Mom promised she wouldn't but I wouldn't put it past my dad, and she's always bowed to his wants. The last week or two I've found myself distancing myself from them, not answering calls or texts, just because I don't want the subject to come up again.

I need to figure out how to make it clear to them that this is a choice I have to make for myself and to get them to respect that, and I need to figure out how to do that while at the same time not giving into the guilt and sadness that I feel about it. I'm lucky that I have a husband who's fully supportive of me, and another brother who's gone almost fully no contact with him as well (though he's on the other side of the country). I feel like I'm ruining my parents chance at a big happy family, but I also know in my heart that I can't support my brother or his actions and that having him in my life does much more harm to me than good.

Any words of advice?

[Turkish]

It's maddening to be pressured to be respnsible for someone else's feelings. I can't imagine that this is the first time that your parents may had used FOG to do this to you. Do you have compassion for your parents' feelings towards your brother? If so, that's fine. You could even tell them that.

Ambushing you and giving out your number to him violated your boundaries, and there is no excuse for that. It's clear from what you write that you are firm in remaining NC with your brother. Can you think of a SET way of telling them that? Sometimes, it needs to be something like seT.

"Mom. Dad. I understand how much you want to connect with my brother. The family has been through a lot with him, and he's struggled greatly. I know he's your son, and you want to help him. I think any parent would want to do that in such a situation. However, while I love and respect the both of you, I've made it very clear that I don't want a r/s with my brother. The r/s between him and me is our business to work out and I'd appreciate if you did not get in the middle of it."

[sarahsoon]

Thanks, Turkish. I do have compassion for how they're feeling. I hate that they're in pain over this and feel such an obligation and have done so much to try to get him help. At the same time, I think they're being really dumb about everything-- he says he wants to see a therapist, so they send him cash; he has a car window was broken out (again), so they send cash; he needs a new apartment, so instead of signing the lease themselves they just send him cash. Then they're surprised and fight with him when they find out he hasn't actually been seeing a therapist, that his car window still isn't fixed, and that he won't give back to them the deposit returned from the landlord when he moved. Instead they could pay the therapist, mechanic, or landlord directly, but they won't listen to me. Which is one reason why I told them I no longer wanted to talk to them about him-- I don't think they're truly interested in making anything better but must find some kind of comfort in this consistent fighting. At least if they would try what I suggested they could avoid the fights with him and still take care of him.

I think part of my issue is my lack of just being able to be succinct and direct in person. Funny because at work I'm a manager and have no issues, but with matters of the heart and family I get all tongue-tied and blubbery. I thought about writing it and emailing it to them, but it seems impersonal when they live about a mile away and I see them once a week. I'm also concerned it won't have any effect, but I guess I wouldn't know until I tried. The conversation I had with them about not talking to me about my brother did work for a while; he has come up a lot more recently because of the move. Do you think an email is ok?

I get really panicky when I think about them ambushing me with him. I sobbed when he texted me this weekend. I just know as soon as I engage he'll turn it into a guilt-trip about why it's been so long since I've called him and why do I think I'm better than him and blah blah blah. We've never been close, not even as kids, so I don't even feel like I'm missing him in my life. My only real concerns are my own mental health and not making my parents' lives worse.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you are struggling to set healthy boundaries and the people who should be supporting you, are not just letting you down, but wearing at you intentionally in order for using you to benefit your brother.  Tough!

I think part of my issue is my lack of just being able to be succinct and direct in person. Funny because at work I'm a manager and have no issues, but with matters of the heart and family I get all tongue-tied and blubbery. I thought about writing it and emailing it to them, but it seems impersonal when they live about a mile away and I see them once a week. I'm also concerned it won't have any effect, but I guess I wouldn't know until I tried. The conversation I had with them about not talking to me about my brother did work for a while; he has come up a lot more recently because of the move. Do you think an email is ok?

I get really panicky when I think about them ambushing me with him. I sobbed when he texted me this weekend. I just know as soon as I engage he'll turn it into a guilt-trip about why it's been so long since I've called him and why do I think I'm better than him and blah blah blah. We've never been close, not even as kids, so I don't even feel like I'm missing him in my life. My only real concerns are my own mental health and not making my parents' lives worse.

I think sending an email is fine and fair.  I might preface, and say something like, "this is really important to me, I wanted to email you guys so that I could be sure to be clear about this topic."

By the way, good on you for standing up for yourself! 

[Turkish]

If an email is what you feel comfortable with, then go with it. We also have the BIFF paradigm used more for the legal and co-parenting issues. While you have a r/s with your parents, it might be applicable: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

I think the ambush was a low blow. My best friend's mother abandoned them when he was 12. His older sister established a r/s after she moved out a few years later. His mom's calls were infrequent, then they stopped. She always quit her jobs so she wouldn't make enough to pay child support. 20 years later, his older sister set up an ambush having their mom at her house when she knew he'd stop by. He walked in the door. His mom started to speak, and he walked out.

The desire of his sister was healing. It was wrong of her to do that, however, just as it was wrong of your parents to give him your number, or set up a similar situation. If you want to work things out with your brother then it needs to be your decision. Do you have any desire whatsoever to do so on terms in which you feel safe?

[sarahsoon]

I think sending an email is fine and fair.  I might preface, and say something like, "this is really important to me, I wanted to email you guys so that I could be sure to be clear about this topic."

Thanks, Sunfl0wer, I think you're right about email being clearer for me. I will organize my thoughts better that way. My father is a writer so he should understand that. And thank you for the support-- sometimes I start to second guess that I'm doing the right thing, but I just know I'm a happier person without him than with him.

If you want to work things out with your brother then it needs to be your decision. Do you have any desire whatsoever to do so on terms in which you feel safe?

The idea that it should be my decision alone to work things out with him is very helpful, thank you. They are coming from a place of love and healing with this, just like your friend's sister, but this isn't the right thing to do to me. At this point I'm not in a place where I want to reunite with him, and I also am not sure I will ever feel that way. Like I said, we were never close, and I'm not the kind of person who keeps people around in my life just because of some history or whatever. We may share genes but that's about it. I guess at some point a speaking relationship would be good-- I mean one day my parents will be gone and there will be things to work out-- but that's years away hopefully.

This morning I was thinking maybe I should respond to him and just say that I don't think it's a good idea to be in contact, that we're different people and years have proven we are better apart, and that I don't hold any ill will toward him but that I'm also not interested in reestablishing a relationship with him-- utilizing that BIFF paradigm. I can't decide if that's a kind thing to do, so he knows where I stand and that I'm not just over here pissed off and hating him, or if it would just make things worse. He's never been one to have any kind of emotional maturity about these sorts of things.

[funfunctional]

Sarahsoon,

I think you need to make it clear to your parents that you will decide if and when you want to make contact with your brother.   Very clear!   

Your parents need to focus on their own relationship with their son and not your relationship with him.  How old our your parents?  They looking for someone to look out for him when they are gone?  IDK - as a parent I would be upset if my kids didn't talk and I hope that doesn't happen, but, I only have so much control over it.   They may just be wishful thinking you two can reconile.

I don't talk to either of my siblings.  My sister is BPD. I was just thinking today that I am peaceful without her constantly stirring the pot.

Good luck and you're in charge.

[sarahsoon]

This is the email I have written to send to my parents (not sent yet). I think it's clear enough?

I'm putting this in an email because I want to make sure I'm clear with what I'm saying, and I'm not always the greatest at speaking when I want to communicate something important.

I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with [X] at this time. I'm sincerely sorry if that causes you any pain-- that's not my intention. Being around him has historically caused me pain, however, and I don't have room in my life right now to bring any of that back up.

I need you both to respect this decision, and I'm concerned that not doing so could affect my relationship with you. I know your desire for us to reconnect is coming from a good place, but it's not in what I have determined are my best interests, and forcing or coercing me will only cause me and our relationship harm. I'm not ruling out reconnecting with him one day, but it needs to be my decision and on my terms. I hope you can understand and respect that.

I'm trying hard to be clear with my boundaries and needs so there's no misunderstanding. I do not want to talk to him, including seeing him, or talk with you about him. I would also appreciate you not talking to him about me or giving him information about me if possible, though I understand if I come up. If he does contact me, I will not respond, and if he shows up where I am, I will leave. I am sorry if that's burdensome to you, but it's what I need.

This is the important part-- this doesn't reflect on you as people or as parents. This is completely between me and him, and there is nothing you can do to make me or the situation any better other than listening to me and respecting my needs.

I love you both very much. I hope you understand where I'm coming from, or if not, can at least accept it and let me be. 

[sarahsoon]

Mom just wrote back "I don't understand but I respect your wishes. Maybe some day you'll be able to explain what he did."

They are so BLIND, willfully blind to what's going on around them. I really want to write back: "What he DID? How about what he CONTINUES TO DO? He uses everything he can against you to get his way. He's a 35 year old man who has never held a job longer than a month and outright lies to you about how he's using the money you give him. Maybe you think that shouldn't matter to me because it's not directed at me, but you are my parents and therefore it matters to me! He's an ungrateful, lying ass and that should be enough! Regardless he was never a brother to me, never showed any interest in me unless he could somehow use me or something I had, and has done nothing but make your lives harder which in turn made my childhood and my life now harder. And you let him without even trying to change anything for the better either for him or yourselves."

But I won't because it won't do any good. Her email is just another manner of FOG, making me feel guilty like I somehow have to justify my choice to them. And now I'm furious and sad and guilty and second-guessing everything and I'm so annoyed.

[Turkish]

Simple reply.

"Thank you."

You're right. They won't get it.