when I am free, I will not do "love" again

[Smileypants]

I am to the point that once I finally get to guts to get free, I am never being in a serious "love" relationship Again.  I am done.  I hate where I am at right now.  I am ruined for any relationship, I really just would not even want to try To get to that point. I am happy with the idea of being a single mom.  I wish I was still.  Eventually I will be the old cat lady, with my kids and grandkids coming to hang out with me. 

Does anyone else feel like this?

[parisian]

Smiley I've been where you are.

I was a broken shell of a person after my exBPD r/s. I felt like I could never again trust anyone. I felt like I could never again have a 'normal' relationship - one without the 'high' of a BPD r/s. For a while, I missed that 'high'. But I did not miss the lowest of lows that also accompanies it. Be patient. Be kind to you. Learn to love you. Learn to have strong boundaries. Give yourself space and time. Recover. You will love again - you just need time to recover from the trauma of a BPD relationship. You will come back stronger and better .

One of the greatest lessons for me was that I don't *need* to be in a relationship. I'm just fine being single . Unlike our BPD exe's who can never cope with being alone and who are destined to play out the same awful pattern for the remainder of their lives.

[felix22]

Hello,

Yes, I feel this way. I realize that it's a momentary thing though. Luckily for me, I'm not married. I don't live w/my UBPDSO. Which is a boundary that I keep. This boundary helps me breathe and keep a sense of myself, which I am sure would disintegrate, if constantly in their presence. I hope you can find a way to take a step backward to, like it mentions in the column to the right.

Try and do something good for yourself today. Maybe a walk outside, in a park, or something peaceful... .sitting by a lake, river, stream, etc.

Hang in there!

Felix

[Lucky Jim]

parisian, you make a good point:

Be patient. Be kind to you. Learn to love you. Learn to have strong boundaries. Give yourself space and time. Recover. You will love again - you just need time to recover from the trauma of a BPD relationship. You will come back stronger and better .

One component of my recovery is learning to love myself enough so that I will never let someone abuse me again.  Many positive results, in my view, flow from this basic premise.

LuckyJim

[new2pain]

I agree, my previous relationships I was more guarded and less open, but with BPDgf I shared everything, was "cheesy" and made myself super vulnerable like I had never done before. Dont think that will happen again

[empathic]

I feel a bit like this right now. Haven't reached the point of separation yet, but after our last MC session it looks like it is getting closer.

I suspect I would feel different a few years out though. It would be nice to experience normal. I'm quite happy being on my own though (with kids) so I'm not sure.

[Blimblam]

Heck yeah I felt that way mspantS!  Except I don't have kids and kind of am starting to want to have one someday.  That and I'm feeling like I might be ready to date sometime In the near future.  So over time if you put in the effort you may heal enough to be in a different place and feel different about it. 

Healing and understanding what you went through takes time and effort to really dig into the pain and analyze it.  It's worth it though!

[FigureIt]

I am to the point that once I finally get to guts to get free, I am never being in a serious "love" relationship Again.  I am done.  I hate where I am at right now.  I am ruined for any relationship, I really just would not even want to try To get to that point. I am happy with the idea of being a single mom.  I wish I was still.  Eventually I will be the old cat lady, with my kids and grandkids coming to hang out with me. 

Does anyone else feel like this?

I FEEL COMPLETELY THE SAME!  My only difference is I'm allergic to cats and have 2 dogs.  The only man living in my home will be if I have a male dog.

I just want to do things, enjoy life and not have to explain why!

Right now I'd even be good with being celibate the rest of my life and I'm in my 40's... .

[apollotech]

"I am to the point that once I finally get to guts to get free, I am never being in a serious "love" relationship Again.  I am done.  I hate where I am at right now.  I am ruined for any relationship, I really just would not even want to try To get to that point. I am happy with the idea of being a single mom.  I wish I was still.  Eventually I will be the old cat lady, with my kids and grandkids coming to hang out with me. 

Does anyone else feel like this?"

Hi Smileypants (I love your handle!),

I read your post last night before I went to bed. I decided that I wasn't going to comment because I didn't believe that you'd like to hear what I had to say. But, this morning it dawned on me that I need to comment. I still believe that you are not going to like what I have to say. What I am about to say is not designed to hurt your feelings or belittle your anger/hurt/pain/etc. over your situation. If anything that I say is interpreted in any of those ways, I apologize.

In the above quoted material you say some very denigrating remarks about yourself that I just don't agree with, remarks that you should not accept of/for yourself. To "hate where... .[you] are at right now" is understandable and completely normal. But, why would you allow your "now" feelings to dictate your future? "I am done." You are not done by a long shot. You are only "ruined for any relationship" if you allow yourself to be; that responsibility is yours.

It is okay to be a single mom if that is what you are. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent, many of us are, myself included. But, if the right person comes along you shouldn't be so comfortably tied to your single parent role that you dismiss a sound prospect of companionship. I am a single parent by circumstance; that is what I am, but that is not who I am. It's great to be comfortable in said role, but it is not a role by design.

"The old cat lady," seriously?, do we actually need to address this? (Yes, I am smiling.) This is who you're content to become? Again, a role of circumstance, not of design.

Now, here's the real question about your future life. You already gave a portion of your past to your exSO. It is done. It is past. Are you going to give him your future as well?

[FigureIt]

Apollotech I completely agree with you. I feel very similar to Smileypants, but as you said it is just in this moment and should not be our future. I know in regards to my situation it is sometimes disheartening when you've had two poor decisions (my exhusbands and current uBPDbf).  I do believe that there are good, wonderful, loving men out there. I had a wonderful roll model in my father and parents. It just seems soo far away.

[apollotech]

Apollotech I completely agree with you. I feel very similar to Smileypants, but as you said it is just in this moment and should not be our future. I know in regards to my situation it is sometimes disheartening when you've had two poor decisions (my exhusbands and current uBPDbf).  I do believe that there are good, wonderful, loving men out there. I had a wonderful roll model in my father and parents. It just seems soo far away.

Hi FigureIt,

I hate to see people give up because they were unlucky enough to meet Mr./Miss Wrong. A BPD relationship can definitely set the gold standard for what is not wanted in a relationship. Even though I don't know her, it really upset me to see Smileypants denigrate herself like that. I don't know her story, but I hope she gets up on her feet. That goes for you and everyone else posting here as well.

I couldn't agree with you more, there are some very fine men and women in the world. Men and women that want to have something real with a companion, want to build something with them. We just got a hand that we couldn't play on this deal. That doesn't mean the next hand will be the same.

Okay, I cannot resist: a male dog is not a man! You didn't think that I saw that now did ya?

Apollo

[FigureIt]

Apollotech I completely agree with you. I feel very similar to Smileypants, but as you said it is just in this moment and should not be our future. I know in regards to my situation it is sometimes disheartening when you've had two poor decisions (my exhusbands and current uBPDbf).  I do believe that there are good, wonderful, loving men out there. I had a wonderful roll model in my father and parents. It just seems soo far away.

Hi FigureIt,

I hate to see people give up because they were unlucky enough to meet Mr./Miss Wrong. A BPD relationship can definitely set the gold standard for what is not wanted in a relationship. Even though I don't know her, it really upset me to see Smileypants denigrate herself like that. I don't know her story, but I hope she gets up on her feet. That goes for you and everyone else posting here as well.

I couldn't agree with you more, there are some very fine men and women in the world. Men and women that want to have something real with a companion, want to build something with them. We just got a hand that we couldn't play on this deal. That doesn't mean the next hand will be the same.

Okay, I cannot resist: a male dog is not a man! You didn't think that I saw that now did ya?

Apollo

Thank you Apollo... .  Lol on the dog!  It's just he "loves me no matter what... ."

[Svarl1]

Hi SP, I'm undecided as to whether to stay in my relationship (and unsure if I ever could leave).

I too wonder if, to use your term, I could ever be in a ' "love" relationship Again '.

The thing it's taken me a long time to learn is that a controlling relationship is not real love.

Real love, to me, has to include an element of respect:

If someone doesn't respect your human rights (dignity, freedom, privacy etc.) then IMO they don't love you.

Also, if you have to defend your inner self by keeping it hidden; if your partner insults you and you have to go along with his/her opinion whilst inwardly cursing him/her - then also you are perhaps also not truly respecting and therefore loving your partner.

I think if you really love a person you'll be truly open to what they express. But with an abuser / controller such openness will eventually destroy you so it's impossible to sustain.

Being with a BPD person can genuinely feel like you are keeping them alive. It weighs heavily on the shoulders and - outside forums like this - can be a very lonely experience. Is such a sacrifice love? Life is short, and why make such a sacrifice if not for love? Even when the lack of respect indicates that it's not proper love? I so WISH i knew the answer to this!

On the plus side, there are many different kinds of people and therefore, surely, many different kinds of relationship (even if we only count the mutually respectful kinds). When you finally get your freedom and space to think (soon, I hope for you) then perhaps you'll find no need to write yourself off for ALL kinds of relationship - only the kinds you have known so far.

The fear then of course is to risk being deceived again. PDs can be well hidden in the initial stages of a relationship. I'm new here and haven't looked around much yet, but I hope there is a section on 'PDdar' - how to spot 'em before they get too close.

Also HOW and WHERE to meet mentally healthy people - are there, for example, certain activities and situations where BPDs would not venture because they would feel uncomfortable?

If such knowledge is to be had, would it perhaps help to reduce any fear you might feel? Or is fear of a repeat disaster not your main aversion to another relationship?

[thicker skin]

Oh Smileypants   

Please have some well meaning love from here 

How about you only accept your version of love from here on in? Good, honest, decent people do exist... .I can vouch for that. You'll know it in his history, in the way he treats his family, the length of his friendships, colleagues... .You're in charge of who you let in and your life. Knowing what you don't like or want is a good start.

Please, don't let one fool mean that a good man misses out on something lovely with you. Be strong, be beautiful, be true and it will come to you... .But make him work for it, like any other asset/rare find that he wishes to have.

[Henry II]

Smilypants , figuureit, I'm with u guys. When I get out of this M , if I see a women flirting I am going RUN. And will be hard for me because I love women.

Children and grandchildren  for me. Oh, and the internet .

[hope2727]

I am scared to love again but I refuse to give up. I am going to get out of this darn house and meet people and date and dance and laugh and love and see what life has in store for me next. So far its a lot of really really bad dates. 

But I shall not give up.