I long for someone, who doesn't exist.

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys, third and final thread of mine for the night. For me, things are looking up. I went to a concert for Wounded Warrior Project tonight, met a bunch of people, had a good time. Feel good about the way I look, grades are looking up, overall, I feel pretty good.

I can not express how much this community has helped me through this hell.

Tonight, as many of you now know, my ex no longer physically resembles the girl I once knew. She has gained considerable weight, her eyes give her either the crazy eyes or just, I don't know, eyes behind her obviously forced smile, eyes which say to me "I'm in hell, help me!" And on a slightly nasty note, her teeth are considerably yellower.

And of course, after the hell, vitriol, and cruel statements she made over and over at me, and ultimate now going on 42 day silence (Since Feb 6th) (under threat of legal recourse if I try and contact her). Safe to say, She no longer emotionally resembles the girl I once knew.

Here is what is currently paining me:

I feel longing. But I'm coming to the realization, that I long for someone who no longer exists

Have any of you felt this feeling? And what strategies did you use to overcome it?

Yours



~Reece

[mitatsu]

Reece dont take this wrong but your posts prob show your in deniel and anger stage... .trust me it will clear but ya gotta focus on you now you cannot change her or her mind its like trying to bail out a boat with a fork...

[Tibbles]

Sure do know that feeling. The man I once loved no longer exists and I mourn for that. I focus on thinking about the man that now exists and I don't want anything to do with him and that helps. I think I will always miss the man I used to know. But he is gone and I accept that and now it is time for me to move on.

As for strategies to overcome it - that horrible strategy called time.

Good luck x x x

[jhkbuzz]

Hey guys, third and final thread of mine for the night. For me, things are looking up. I went to a concert for Wounded Warrior Project tonight, met a bunch of people, had a good time. Feel good about the way I look, grades are looking up, overall, I feel pretty good.

I can not express how much this community has helped me through this hell.

Tonight, as many of you now know, my ex no longer physically resembles the girl I once knew. She has gained considerable weight, her eyes give her either the crazy eyes or just, I don't know, eyes behind her obviously forced smile, eyes which say to me "I'm in hell, help me!" And on a slightly nasty note, her teeth are considerably yellower.

And of course, after the hell, vitriol, and cruel statements she made over and over at me, and ultimate now going on 42 day silence (Since Feb 6th) (under threat of legal recourse if I try and contact her). Safe to say, She no longer emotionally resembles the girl I once knew.

Here is what is currently paining me:

I feel longing. But I'm coming to the realization, that I long for someone who no longer exists

Have any of you felt this feeling? And what strategies did you use to overcome it?

Yours

~Reece

This what it took me MONTHS to realize:  I was longing for someone who never existed. I believed her to be someone she wasn't. And I believed that partly because that was the picture she painted for me, and partly because it's what I wanted to believe. But over time the facade crumbled.

[Blimblam]

I contemplated that for a while but the harder truth for me is the person I longed for had just moved on.  A mutual friend had told me she had gained a bunch of weight at one point to help me feel better but the truth is that provided me no solace as I was trully concerned for her wellbeing while at the same i me was hoping for signs that the break up had hurt her as well to get validation I meant something to her. 

[Deeno02]

7 months out and finally saw her for the first time at sons VB meeting. She was nervous, I wasnt. I do miss her, but the good her. The bad her is what makes me thankful shes someone elses problem. Its like the old sci-fi movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The premise of the movie is an alien invasion where the people of a town are replaced while they sleep with pod people. Exact replicas, but totally free of emotion. It was like my relationship with her. Love bombed, happy times, Im perfect, sharing life and then boom... .she became emotionless towards me as I was devalued and slowly painted black, finally being replaced. Again, I escaped and I can only go forward. She's caught in the spin cycle.

[parisian]

I feel longing. But I'm coming to the realization, that I long for someone who no longer exists

Have any of you felt this feeling? And what strategies did you use to overcome it?

Hey Reece - we remember both the good and bad, and long for the good (that's the person we got in the idealization phase). That person cannot exist without the bad also, and as time goes in our relationships and the 'mask' comes off, we rarely if ever, see that good person/good times again. Our relationship will never get better nor stay at a consistent level. It is only ever destined to get worse.

In normal, healthy relationships with partners without BPD, we miss a projected future because we've had wonderful times. We know that projected future is at least *possible*. With a partner who has BPD, that projected future will never eventuate, for it is never possible.

The person we thought they were never really existed at all. We were put on a pedestal and fell in love with the mirror image of ourselves. We can never have that person we fell in love with who was wearing the mask. For once removed, it will never, ever return.

For me, it helped to get real about who she really was. I wrote down/journalled and read and re-read her actions whilst in our r/s - they were never actions of love, care or respect; and never could be. I stopped 'day dreaming' about her potential and examined who she really was. Getting real about this was what helped me.

I now picture her as a stranger, an alien. Just another unknown person in the street.

[Reecer1588]

Reece dont take this wrong but your posts prob show your in deniel and anger stage... .trust me it will clear but ya gotta focus on you now you cannot change her or her mind its like trying to bail out a boat with a fork...

This post had nothing to do with her. It had everything to do with my longing. And realizing I'm longing for a non existant entity. I don't believe I'm denying anything when I make this realization. I am also not angry anymore. More like a dull longing, frustration.

[StarOfTheSea]

I can relate; I've really been missing my exBPDbf for the past week. I think because it's spring now and that's the time of year we met. What helps me a bit is reminding myself that the man I loved doesn't exist anymore,  that man has been lost to his illness. Nothing I did or said made that man disappear, what's inside his head is what caused him to go away. It also helps to remind myself of the times he made me feel really sh&%#y and how I was physically and emotionally affected by his drama and the stress.

I'm thankful for the happy and loving times we had. I don't want to forget those but I don't want him back in my life.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I have come to accept that the personality I fell in love with was just a veneer that covered a tempest of pain.  I still have love and compassion for that woman, she is a human after all.  I have had to accept that the romance we had was not sustainable.  She is a deeply troubled woman, incapable of love at this time.  It takes all her faculties just to function day to day and put up a front of being okay.  I was deeply hurt by the whole ordeal.  I loved deeper and poured more of my soul into caring for her than anything in my life.  It did little.  She is still broken, still lost and it is beyond my abilities to change that.  For 7 months I longed for her return.  For the previous 18 months in the r/s I longed for my idealization girl to return, not understanding BPD.  This is a viscious disease.  We fell in love with a mirage.  I wish you well in your healing.

[Loosestrife]

I have come to accept that the personality I fell in love with was just a veneer that covered a tempest of pain.  I still have love and compassion for that woman, she is a human after all.  I have had to accept that the romance we had was not sustainable.  She is a deeply troubled woman, incapable of love at this time.  It takes all her faculties just to function day to day and put up a front of being okay.  I was deeply hurt by the whole ordeal.  I loved deeper and poured more of my soul into caring for her than anything in my life.  It did little.  She is still broken, still lost and it is beyond my abilities to change that.  For 7 months I longed for her return.  For the previous 18 months in the r/s I longed for my idealization girl to return, not understanding BPD.  This is a viscious disease.  We fell in love with a mirage.  I wish you well in your healing.

This really resonates and the quote at the bottom of your posts is a healthy view point too - thanks 

[jhkbuzz]

I have come to accept that the personality I fell in love with was just a veneer that covered a tempest of pain.  I still have love and compassion for that woman, she is a human after all.  I have had to accept that the romance we had was not sustainable.  She is a deeply troubled woman, incapable of love at this time.  It takes all her faculties just to function day to day and put up a front of being okay.  I was deeply hurt by the whole ordeal.  I loved deeper and poured more of my soul into caring for her than anything in my life.  It did little.  She is still broken, still lost and it is beyond my abilities to change that.  For 7 months I longed for her return.  For the previous 18 months in the r/s I longed for my idealization girl to return, not understanding BPD.  This is a viscious disease.  We fell in love with a mirage.  I wish you well in your healing.

What a wonderful response.    As I've worked through my own pain, this ^ is the kind of detached compassion I am striving to feel on a permanent basis.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel longing. But I'm coming to the realization, that I long for someone who no longer exists

Did she ever exist Reecer?  If your ex is anything like mine, it was all a facade designed to attach, which I don't fault her for, it is what it is, but the largest growth can come from analyzing why we let a huge gap form between who our exes actually are and who we wanted them to be, and why we fell in love with potential we saw, not reality.  Hmmm, something to think about... .

[hurting300]

7 months out and finally saw her for the first time at sons VB meeting. She was nervous, I wasnt. I do miss her, but the good her. The bad her is what makes me thankful shes someone elses problem. Its like the old sci-fi movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The premise of the movie is an alien invasion where the people of a town are replaced while they sleep with pod people. Exact replicas, but totally free of emotion. It was like my relationship with her. Love bombed, happy times, Im perfect, sharing life and then boom... .she became emotionless towards me as I was devalued and slowly painted black, finally being replaced. Again, I escaped and I can only go forward. She's caught in the spin cycle.

so what happened? Did you talk to her or anything

[Deeno02]

7 months out and finally saw her for the first time at sons VB meeting. She was nervous, I wasnt. I do miss her, but the good her. The bad her is what makes me thankful shes someone elses problem. Its like the old sci-fi movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The premise of the movie is an alien invasion where the people of a town are replaced while they sleep with pod people. Exact replicas, but totally free of emotion. It was like my relationship with her. Love bombed, happy times, Im perfect, sharing life and then boom... .she became emotionless towards me as I was devalued and slowly painted black, finally being replaced. Again, I escaped and I can only go forward. She's caught in the spin cycle.

so what happened? Did you talk to her or anything

Nope. Said nothing. Looked her in the eyes, she turned away, i walked up to the table where the coaches sat (shes one) said hello to all of them at once, grabbed my handouts and went and sat down to talk with the other parents and was my usual good natured self.

[Reecer1588]

Yeah I just wanted to add on here that seeing the recent pictures of my ex, I've shown them to my friends and family, and they all say the same exact adjectives, without any knowledge of what the others have said. They all say that in my ex's pictures she looks "fake, empty, like she's just smiling for the camera." When I show them some of the pictures of my ex with me in the past, they all say, "oh yeah she looks genuinely happy." It is really very sad. It's like you can literally tell through the progression of pictures her breaking down. And now that she doesn't have a boyfriend (confirmed) I guess she's just kind of an empty vessel, I guess. That and she must just be eating 24/7. 20 pounds plus in like 2 months. Also sad.