Introduction: How to manage a relative with BPD?

[BlueLou]

My much older sister was recently diagnosed with BPD.

My earliest memories are of being used to manage her condition by our well-meaning parents. As a child I could calm and sooth her in a way adults (she was aiming her violence/ aggression at) couldn't. Now I'm an adult, she aims that aggression at me (along with others) and demands contact with my children to calm her/make her feel worthwhile (she is unhealthily obsessed by them). I refuse in order to protect them having seen the impact being used in this way had on me; she threatens/attempts suicide. 

Our mum passed away last year, up to that point her condition was semi-managable, now it's spiralled out of control. Her behaviour has resulted in arrests and hospital stays and led to a diagnosis of BPD. I've been raised with a sense of duty towards her and feelings of responsibility to manage her behaviour along with guilt if I can't or won't. I've recently had to distance myself from her to protect myself and family but she still has such a hold over me; when I'm not hearing from her I'm filled with worry.

She called me this week to say she was killing herself and this was a goodbye call, that it was my fault for letting her down, along with other members of my family. When I spoke rationally and pointed out how I was trying to help she just got angry. She's made three attempts on her life so far this week, this is a way of life for us now. We call the police and her GP and they just pass us on to someone else. I'm not sure what our aim is anyway; when she's admitted to hospital they say she doesn't belong there and release her with medication. I feel I should fight to get her the help she needs but don't know where to turn or what my end aim is, six months of hospital stays and all the professionals she could ask for, maybe she's had that help and this is the best we can expect? Until she wants to help herself I just don't know what more I can do.

When she's not like this she is the sweetest, most wonderful person- still difficult to manage, vulnerable, weak, fragile and unpredictable- but loving and happy. She's always put me on such a pedestal and goes to such extreme lengths to express her love for me, when she gets like this she's the opposite and treats me in the opposite way. When she was more stable we had good times together, I worry that since the death of our mother she's not going to get that stability back and is set on this destructive path. Every time we try to help create something positive in her life she destroys it, its as if she doesn't want to be happy, she is intent on this downward spiral, intent on taking us all (she treats other family members the same way) with her and blaming us for it.

If I'm honest I feel like I'm being (and always have been) emotionally abused by her but unable to walk away. I love her so much and convince myself she'll get better or change or it'll be different moving forward, in reality I know that's unlikely and see walking away as the only solution for me. Her behaviour has made me develop an eating disorder to cope. I feel like I have a choice to make between contact with her or my own health and the ability to protect my family. If I felt my involvement with her was of any benefit it would be different, but instead I feel I'm not helping her at all and instead developing my own mental health issues as a result of trying. The worst part is that walking away isn't a decision I can make in isolation, I know from experience she won't leave me alone; she'll manipulate and emotionally blackmail other family members/ medical staff to get them to insist I contact her. She's used to doing this, she's had enough practice, she'll do whatever she can to ensure she has some part in my life, even if it's only as a destructive force.

I'm sorry for the long ramble! While I'm sad to read the other stories of people in similar situations, it's also nice to know we're not alone.

[Linda Maria]

Hi BlueLou!  So sorry to hear what you're going through.  I can very much empathise.  My own uBPDsis has always been a drama queen, oversensitive, highly strung, moody and downright awkward, but also has many good qualities - she is bright, funny, and can be very caring and supportive.  I always walked on eggshells around her to avoid arguments and confrontation, and because I haven't lived with her for nearly 30 years - we are both early fifties now - it hasn't impacted my life too badly, though there were isolated nightmarish episodes when I lived at home with her and my Mum and Dad.  My Mum passed away 2 years ago, (my Dad 19 years before), and shortly afterwards she completely turned on me, and has made life hell, preventing the estate being sorted out, property being sold - she has told completely vile stories about me to anyone who will listen it has been really hard - but I am now largely NC and have had to instruct a solicitor to help me get the estate sorted out.  At some point the legal stuff will be sorted, so I should be able to draw a line under it all, but I also feel that if there is something I can do to get her help - though through third parties - then I owe it to my Mum and Dad to try.  I can't help directly - there will just be more abuse, and I can't put myself through that again - but I don't like to think of her having no-one who really cares for her around.  She is single with no children, though she does have some good friends - but the close mutual family friends we have she has cut off, because she knows they have had contact with me, although they would never take sides, and love her dearly.  It's very hard isn't it?  I would so like something positive to come out of the horror of the last 2 years, but I don't feel very confident that it's possible.

[Meadowslark]

Hello BlueLou, very sorry to hear you're on the receiving end of your BPDsis' crazy train. There are a lot of us here that can fully empathize. But first and foremost, you should take care of yourself. What are you doing in terms of self-care?

I'm in the reverse situation you are - I'm the eldest and my younger sister was recently diagnosed BPD. She's irrational, illogical, a liar, destructive, fragile, impulsive, manipulative and out-of-control. She's made three attempts on her life (that I know of) from September to December of last year. I'm strictly NC since December.

I firmly believe that rationality and logic will not work with BPD folks, especially siblings. In my experience, the best possible way to deal with them is strict no contact. There are children in your life now and the way you describe your sister, she's likely a detriment to their emotional and mental health. If she's obsessed with them, she could say and do things that would be damaging to the children. Three suicide threats this week alone? That's too much for anyone to handle.

The fact that she can manipulate others to that extent... .is there any way to forewarn family members and just tell them, "I do not want to hear about Sis, talk to Sis or have anything to do with Sis. Please do not contact me on her behalf." I had to do this because my sister would try to pit one parent or the other against me after the divorce, coming up with outright lies. I kept a paper trail and CC'd both parents with the truth and told them I do not wish to have anything to do with my sister. Is this something you could do?

Please take care of yourself. You and your children are worth it. 

[Caringfromafar]

Hello BlueLou,

I am pretty much in the exact same situation as you are, and I can't express how much I empathize for you. I have had to go non contact with my older sister since last year. It is so stressful when every few days there is a suicide attempt or threat. My sister was also diagnosed while hospitalized during a suicide attempt.

I also understand how it is so difficult to pull away from her because of her sweet nature. My sister is also extremely sweet. However, your emotional and physical health needs to come first. I kept thinking that my support would help her to get better, but instead I kept finding myself in the hospital with lung infections due to a weakened immune system stemming from the stress. I am not telling you cut contact like I did since I am not fully aware of your situation, but please do take time to reach your optimal health level. You seem like a really nurturing person and I am sure your children love you so much, so being healthy is instrumental for their lives as well. I wish you all the best!

[BlueLou]

Thank you all so much.

The horror continues, today's she's told my brother where the money is to pay for her funeral and how she would like her estate dividing. She doesn't mean it, she doesn't want to go, she's just well and truly on the "crazy train" (love that!) and showing no signs of getting off until it crashes with as much pain and damage to those around her as possible.

I've just put the phone down to her after another series of manipulative calls, telling me how she has no choice but to take her life and how we're to blame. She can hear how hurt and distressed I am but shows no sign of stopping. In the final one she just asked me if I will go to her funeral.

I've put the phone down, changed my number and remembered about my post in this forum. I'm so relived to read your replies, I need (and deserve) to be well and the only way to achieve that is to have no contact. I feel strong and relieved at my decision and will do my best to stick to it for everyones sake. I'll let family know and genuinely don't care how they perceive that decision as I feel I have no choice.

20 minutes NC and counting! 

[Spruce927]

BlueLou,

Welcome and much love.

I got chills reading your story because your sister could be my mom.  My mom used suicide threats frequently and often talked about her funeral, told me it was my/my sister/father's fault she was doing this  She often would instruct me where to find her suicide letter.  It was a whirl of chaos and craziness.  She too would hear me crying, and be non responsive.  You say it doesn't affect her, but honestly having you on the other side upset does affect her.  It feeds into what they want.  They're attention seeking and being reinforced in a positive way, because they're getting you to give them that attention.  It does not matter what the conditions are.  That's what I've come to learn about BPD. 

I read that you have children, and this put you in a different category from me.  Please understand this: you and I know these people.  We're used to their outbursts, and toxic behaviors.  We're used to hearing about their hospitalization and conditions.  Children are not.  Just be careful what you let them see. 

I felt like a caretaker to my mother for such a long time.  I was the one that sorted out her problems, explained them away, soothed situations, etc.  I thought I was doing this because I "cared" and I'll admit I even felt resentment towards my sister who cut her off.  I accused her of being selfish and confirmed that I was the one doing the "good family" thing.  I now understand that healthy people don't let this kind of chaos into their lives.  They don't field suicide calls, they don't feel like they are the person that needs to help and keep this person ok, and they certainly don't let other people (partners/children) see them accepting this behavior.  Yet, this is what I allowed to happen to me.  I was not healthy.  If we're healthy and have respect for ourselves, we put up boundaries.  That's what I'm learning now.  Give yourself some self love and realize your decision for NC is the first step and reclaiming who you are and growing from this experience. 

Just as a side note someone responded that no one can handle 3 suicide calls in one week alone.  This is absolutely true.  My partner is a well respected clinical psychologist and she will not treat borderline patients.  It should be noted that she treats addicts and once a week runs a group for those in treatment.  Some of these people are actual crack users who've committed serious crimes and yet she does not treat borderline cases.  She had one borderline patient and had to speak to a supervisor because the patient was emotionally sucking her dry, demanding attention, texting, etc.  Because they have the "black and white" mentality they'll often turn on a therapist and report them for various violations.  This is why they are so hard to work with.  Their volatile nature runs deep. 

Since I've gone NC with mother a couple of months ago I've been trying to soak in as much knowledge about BPD as I can.  Yesterday I watched a lecture at a university on Youtube by a psychologist who specializes in the treatment of BPD.  He was talking about the different therapies used to treat them, and he pointed out something VERY interesting.  Of the top 3 therapies that have shown success with borderline patients EVERY single one involves a team of therapists.  Meaning, they don't just go to one therapist.  In 2 of the therapies, the therapist (and backup therapist) must be there for 24/7 phone calls.  That's why it's so hard to find someone to treat these people.  Think about that.  You've got to find someone who will take a phone call from these people around the clock.  Just like I did for my mother.  He explained it like this.  He said that there must be a team because the "therapist burnout" is so high.  Now, if an educated therapist with high boundaries needs a support team to avoid burnout, think of what these people are doing to you without you know it.  I'm just sharing this because it was an "ah-ha" moment for you. 

I wish you all the best, and I am here if you every need to talk.  Just know we all have experienced this, and life can only improve from here.  You have the knowledge, you know theres a problem, and you sought support.  Congrats!

[tasha568]

Hi BlueLou,

First off welcome to the board. I hope that you are able to find the support that you are looking for in order help ease the distress you are currently going through.

Reading your story struck a strong chord with me. I have a VERY similar relationship with my younger sister and I can really empathize with that feeling of guilt when you aren’t able to manage her erratic behaviors. Being the older sister I was always seen as the one who would look out for my younger siblings. My relationship with my two younger brothers is excellent, we got along with very little conflict. My sister on the other hand, totally different story. She has issues with EVERYONE in the family and with her own friends as well. I am all too familiar with the suicide threat situation and that strong feeling of responsibility that you have when she makes a threat like that. You want to be there for her, you really do but at the same time you feel like the constant guilt trips and blame are just depleting your energy and it takes away from ability to really be present with her.  You totally hit the nail on the head, she needs to start by helping herself, until then you can try with the best intentions to save her but it will ultimately be to no avail.

My sister is similar to your sister also in how she can be one of the most kindhearted, caring, and giving people I know when she is able to separate herself from the inner chaos. I am also my sisters “rock” and she has expressed how much she needs me but when she is upset with me I become the vilest, untrustworthy, selfish person that could have other walked the earth. It is exhausting having to repeatedly prove that I care and that I love her. I love her unconditionally however there comes a point where even though I will continue to love her I have to put down a boundary in order to create some distance between us.

Unfortunately the times where she is able to center herself have decreased steadily of the past few years and the “crazy train” takes over more often than not. Things are so bad right now, it’s almost a weekly occurrence and it will last for 3-4 days. Maybe there will 2 days of calm before something sparks another outburst. I have always found it incredibly hard to walk away and even if I physically distance myself I find that I am constantly worried about her and I can’t get that emotional distance I need. She always ends up using manipulation and guilt to reel me back into her web of chaos and 9/10 times it works. Right now I’m in the middle of one her outburst and this is the first time in a VERY long time I have decided to stand my ground and while it continues to be hard, it feels like such a relief. I finally feel like I can breathe but I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure how long this will last. Even if it doesn’t stay this way, I needed the respite for myself.

You are most definitely not alone in this sort of experience and I hope you are able to find some solace in connecting with other who have had similar relationships in their family dynamic.