I hate being painted white

[maxsterling]

I just realized something.  I hate being painted white.  Being painted black is bad, but being painted white almost feels just as bad.  By "painted white" I mean the total "i'm in love with you in every way everything is perfect you are the best person ever" phase.  I hate it because I don't trust it.  She can shower me with all the love and adoration, yet I still have the memory of the insults and abuse from a few days before, and the anticipation of it happening again.

Anyone else feel this way?  That when you go from black to white, the "white" quits feeling good, and after awhile it feels almost as uncomfortable as the "black"?

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[bluejeans]

Yes, I feel this way also. I know it won't last. Plus it's not really true just like the painted black extreme is not true. It makes me uncomfortable. I am not perfect and I am not horrible either. Also, when she paints me white I believe that she wants everything to be okay between us and sometimes I am still recovering from the latest rage.

[Michelle27]

I am totally there.  My husband, knowing I was 99% out the door a few months ago over finding out about betrayals and having done so much work on myself, has showered me with good listening, promises to get help, gifts, a weekend in a resort town near us and nonstop "I love you" and "you are amazing" and "I'm proud of you".  I don't believe it either.  I can't believe he really feels this way and yet can still direct such venom and emotional abuse my direction.  He is acting like everything is totally fine and I should be so happy with this, but just a couple days ago, I managed to finally tell him that no, things aren't fine. I am still in a lot of pain and can't trust that he means what he says because if he means this, he also must have meant the awful things that were done and said to me over the years.  It's so frustrating... .I know I have to be vulnerable in order to have a good relationship but at least right now, I can't.  It's not safe.

[Notwendy]

Michelle, my H went through this too. It's a very eerie and artificial sensation. It made me uncomfortable because it didn't seem real. I so hear you because still, I don't feel safe when that happens. I remember it too- the gifts, the flowers, the idealizations... One positive- and I hope that this happens for you, is that it didn't work. My H figured if he could flip this on, that I would too. He was quite upset that I didn't turn the clock back to the days when we first met, but I couldn't do that. There were ups and downs since then, but not a complete reversion back to his old behavior, perhaps because I didn't respond to him like I used to. Now, he is in T with me, which I didn't imagine would happen and this is hugely meaningful to me.

I was painted black as a child by my mother and most of the time I am still. However, once in a while, the position flips with a sibling if she decides she is angry at that one. At these times, we will tell each other: your turn! Assuming that in any amount of time, the position will flip again.

I think the most uncomfortable aspect about being painted white is knowing that if this can happen, then the opposite can happen too. I woud prefer a low intensity and calm middle.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yes, I have these experiences often.  Push - pull.  Black - white.  I am trying to become more independent so as not to be shaken by every wind that blows.

I know I am not perfect, nor am I horrible.   

I am hoping the answer may be in believing in myself and knowing myself so well that I am not knocked off balance by these cycles.  And we all know, they are cycles. 

Yoga and long walks have helped me maintain more of a balance within myself.

What helps you guys?

[bluejeans]

Among the other things I am learning here, I practice "Science of Mind" to help me through the hard times.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Bluejeans, could you describe more?  Is it like wise mind?  I am glad to learn new tools.  I have become a better non   by not making things worse.

[Grey Kitty]

Anyone else feel this way?  That when you go from black to white, the "white" quits feeling good, and after awhile it feels almost as uncomfortable as the "black"?

max, that is called growing and getting more healthy on your part.

Neither paintjob is who you really are.

That you would rather be accepted for who you are than viewed in some unrealistic but good fashion is awesome!

[vortex of confusion]

Being painted white is very uncomfortable for me. I feel like my husband is delusional at times because he refuses to see my unhappiness. He refuses to see me for who I am. One of the most uncomfortable things he has said to me is that he sees me as his higher power. I was having a difficult discussion with him the the other day and he said, "I will remain celibate for the rest of my life and let you do whatever you want as long as we don't ever have to get a divorce." It is so unbelievably painful at times.

I agree with those that have said it seems like they do it to maintain some kind of illusion that everything is great and wonderful. When I try to tell him that things are NOT great and wonderful, it is like he isn't hearing and comprehending what I am saying.

[Grey Kitty]

I agree with those that have said it seems like they do it to maintain some kind of illusion that everything is great and wonderful. When I try to tell him that things are NOT great and wonderful, it is like he isn't hearing and comprehending what I am saying.

Yup. It is invalidating to be told you walk on water when you know that you can't. Or that everything is great when you feel like your life is a f***ing disaster.

[Michelle27]

Michelle, my H went through this too. It's a very eerie and artificial sensation. It made me uncomfortable because it didn't seem real. I so hear you because still, I don't feel safe when that happens. I remember it too- the gifts, the flowers, the idealizations... One positive- and I hope that this happens for you, is that it didn't work. My H figured if he could flip this on, that I would too. He was quite upset that I didn't turn the clock back to the days when we first met, but I couldn't do that. There were ups and downs since then, but not a complete reversion back to his old behavior, perhaps because I didn't respond to him like I used to. Now, he is in T with me, which I didn't imagine would happen and this is hugely meaningful to me.

I was painted black as a child by my mother and most of the time I am still. However, once in a while, the position flips with a sibling if she decides she is angry at that one. At these times, we will tell each other: your turn! Assuming that in any amount of time, the position will flip again.

I think the most uncomfortable aspect about being painted white is knowing that if this can happen, then the opposite can happen too. I woud prefer a low intensity and calm middle.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in this.  I was actually feeling bad because I thought I should be loving the positive attention.  But I've spent the past few years (after most of a decade of medium level positives alternating with rages coming to terms with the idea that the amazing first 7 years we had weren't real and that things will never be like that again.  I am still grieving that and all of the false promises that things would get better have made me very jaded and untrusting of any of his words anymore.  Despite telling him it's likely going to take years for me to get to the point that I believe anything he says, he is also disappointed that I'm not "falling for it".  Grr.

[waverider]

This is the good cop/bad cop routine that totally disorientates you. It is far more damaging whilst you still have co dependency issues. I know it spoils the bonded feeling but you really do need to keep a clinical view to a degree on what is going on, as your emotional need side will always tug toward these emotional influences.

Always keep an eye on the traffic regardless of whatever the walk signals are saying and always know where the kerb is.

[townhouse]

Listen to your gut. If there's that shakey feeling in your guts when you are being idealised then you know something is wrong.

I recently had 2 months of "pure bliss". While loving it, I deep down knew it wouldn't last. I tried weakly to say "what about when "we" have another "argument". (My way of talking about when he dysreguates ... .This was prior to my discovering this site and knowing the terminology and Lessons) His replies were like words from heaven "I love you, I am committed to you"

A few days later he was back to "this r/s has become toxic"

I am learning big time.

This is the good cop/bad cop routine that totally disorientates you. It is far more damaging whilst you still have co dependency issues. I know it spoils the bonded feeling but you really do need to keep a clinical view to a degree on what is going on, as your emotional need side will always tug toward these emotional influences.

Always keep an eye on the traffic regardless of whatever the walk signals are saying and always know where the kerb is.

So So true Waverider

[Crumbling]

 

It is good to recognize her words as simply a pattern, IMO.  I've felt detached like this for a few months now, and that state does seem to help keep that 'clinical view' in the moment, that Waverider mentioned.

Wishing you a fabulous wedding, regardless of the color scheme, Max

[milesperhour]

I agree with those that have said it seems like they do it to maintain some kind of illusion that everything is great and wonderful. When I try to tell him that things are NOT great and wonderful, it is like he isn't hearing and comprehending what I am saying.

Yup. It is invalidating to be told you walk on water when you know that you can't. Or that everything is great when you feel like your life is a f***ing disaster.

I know, right?

[milesperhour]

On the other hand, I am kind'a wonderful ... . 

[Cole]

Yes, hate being painted white, because when she does, I am WHITE. And the whiter she paints me now, the blacker I will be tomorrow.

[bluejeans]

Bluejeans, could you describe more?  Is it like wise mind?  I am glad to learn new tools.  I have become a better non   by not making things worse.

It incorporates mindfulness, affirmations, and meditation among other things. It has helped me in other aspects of my life and I can see how it may help me in this area as well.

[waverider]

Bluejeans, could you describe more?  Is it like wise mind?  I am glad to learn new tools.  I have become a better non   by not making things worse.

It incorporates mindfulness, affirmations, and meditation among other things. It has helped me in other aspects of my life and I can see how it may help me in this area as well.

Is it mainly about staying connected with the realities of the moment and not getting carried away with emotional extrapolations as to what things "may be'?

[bluejeans]

Bluejeans, could you describe more?  Is it like wise mind?  I am glad to learn new tools.  I have become a better non   by not making things worse.

It incorporates mindfulness, affirmations, and meditation among other things. It has helped me in other aspects of my life and I can see how it may help me in this area as well.

Is it mainly about staying connected with the realities of the moment and not getting carried away with emotional extrapolations as to what things "may be'?

It is about being in the present moment.

What I get out of it is the positive affirmations and knowing I am safe even when it doesn't always look like it. It's a spiritual practice that helps me personally.

[MaroonLiquid]

I don't know what being painted white feels like much anymore.  I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I have been painted grey (yes, I know there is no gray area in pwBPD but bare with me) to black for the better part of 9 months.  Even in those times where my wife and I are spending time together, it seems it's only about her and long enough to fulfill her needs but doesn't tell anyone about it (grey area so to speak).  That way when I don't do what she wants (because she knows it's a no-win coming), I am still painted black and nothing has to change with her.  When I would do something nice or good in the past, she would tell people or put it on Facebook and shower me with praise.  I haven't heard how "wonderful", "perfect" or "how much in love with me" she is in quite a while.  I don't know if that makes much sense or not... .

[waverider]

I don't know what being painted white feels like much anymore.  I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I have been painted grey (yes, I know there is no gray area in pwBPD but bare with me) to black for the better part of 9 months.  Even in those times where my wife and I are spending time together, it seems it's only about her and long enough to fulfill her needs but doesn't tell anyone about it (grey area so to speak).  That way when I don't do what she wants (because she knows it's a no-win coming), I am still painted black and nothing has to change with her.  When I would do something nice or good in the past, she would tell people or put it on Facebook and shower me with praise.  I haven't heard how "wonderful", "perfect" or "how much in love with me" she is in quite a while.  I don't know if that makes much sense or not... .

You feel like an invisible service provider that she has to put up with, but of whom she has low expectations?

[vortex of confusion]

When I would do something nice or good in the past, she would tell people or put it on Facebook and shower me with praise.  I haven't heard how "wonderful", "perfect" or "how much in love with me" she is in quite a while.  I don't know if that makes much sense or not... .

That makes perfect sense! This stood out at me because I have done this same thing to my husband. In the past, I used to praise him for every little thing that he did. I would post it on FB and would say wonderful things about him. I stopped doing it because it felt like it was never enough. Not only that, it felt like I was painting a really slighted picture to all of my family and friends. When I first started opening up to people about how unhappy I was with my husband, they all wondered what was up because all they had seen was the rosy picture that I had painted for so long. I cannot in good conscience brag to other people about my husband when things are not going that great between us. Also, it seemed very one sided. I would brag about him and post about him yet he rarely said nice things to me on FB or anywhere else. I was expected to brag on him and praise him and thank him for every little thing yet the things that I was doing were going unnoticed unless I didn't do them.

[Mustbeabetterway]

When I would do something nice or good in the past, she would tell people or put it on Facebook and shower me with praise.  I haven't heard how "wonderful", "perfect" or "how much in love with me" she is in quite a while.  I don't know if that makes much sense or not... .

That makes perfect sense! This stood out at me because I have done this same thing to my husband. In the past, I used to praise him for every little thing that he did. I would post it on FB and would say wonderful things about him. I stopped doing it because it felt like it was never enough. Not only that, it felt like I was painting a really slighted picture to all of my family and friends. When I first started opening up to people about how unhappy I was with my husband, they all wondered what was up because all they had seen was the rosy picture that I had painted for so long. I cannot in good conscience brag to other people about my husband when things are not going that great between us. Also, it seemed very one sided. I would brag about him and post about him yet he rarely said nice things to me on FB or anywhere else. I was expected to brag on him and praise him and thank him for every little thing yet the things that I was doing were going unnoticed unless I didn't do them.

Maroon Liquid, this is frustrating.  You are obviously trying so hard.  You say that you don't know what she wants.  What do you want?  Once you figure that out, how can you go about realistically getting more of what you want?

I get that, too.  It is easy to share good things.  It does make me wonder about my own motivation when bragging/appreciating others.  If I am truly appreciating them then acknowledging the good things is positive.  If my motivation is to manipulate others by praise, then it seems dishonest.  In other words, are we painting them white?

All of us respond to genuine praise, appreciation.  If my s/o says I am perfect, then I know before long I am going to be the opposite.   To have balance in the relationship, there has to be middle ground.  I am trying to operate in the middle as much as possible.  Not perfect, (I will take wonderful  ) not terrible or selfish.  

For years, people have been telling me that I must be a saint.  I have never accepted that because I know I am not.  This comment has given me pause.  What they are really saying is, "there is no way I would put up with whatever (fill in the blank). "  I have to check myself and see if my boundaries are good and that I am not being a doormat (synonym for saint putting up with others bad behavior).  

As to the black and white, it boils down to me knowing myself and being sure of who I am.  If If I am true to myself then what anyone else says or does is not as important.  I am not all white or black and I know it.

[MaroonLiquid]

You feel like an invisible service provider that she has to put up with, but of whom she has low expectations?

Yeah, but the "has to put up with" not really understanding... .But that is what the prior men in her life proved... .I'm not those people and she is learning that... .

That makes perfect sense! This stood out at me because I have done this same thing to my husband. In the past, I used to praise him for every little thing that he did. I would post it on FB and would say wonderful things about him. I stopped doing it because it felt like it was never enough. Not only that, it felt like I was painting a really slighted picture to all of my family and friends. When I first started opening up to people about how unhappy I was with my husband, they all wondered what was up because all they had seen was the rosy picture that I had painted for so long. I cannot in good conscience brag to other people about my husband when things are not going that great between us. Also, it seemed very one sided. I would brag about him and post about him yet he rarely said nice things to me on FB or anywhere else. I was expected to brag on him and praise him and thank him for every little thing yet the things that I was doing were going unnoticed unless I didn't do them.

I don't expect to be praised for anything, especially stuff I should do.  I also know that you should brag on your spouse every so often, as it makes them feel good and appreciated.  There is overboard though and for the most part, my wife wasn't overboard with me, just the kids and still is.  It's ridiculous now, when we are spending family time together, she doesn't "tag me" in her posts (can't because she has me blocked on Facebook), but yet "tags" the kids.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  It did at first because she was misrepresenting herself to other people, but that's on her, not me.  I know our children don't check facebook much at all as our daughters use instagram and our son doesn't really care about either one.   

Maroon Liquid, this is frustrating.  You are obviously trying so hard.  You say that you don't know what she wants.  What do you want?  Once you figure that out, how can you go about realistically getting more of what you want?

I believe I know what she wants.  Things are better, so I am not totally complaining, but more or less adding my experience.

I get that, too.  It is easy to share good things.  It does make me wonder about my own motivation when bragging/appreciating others.  If I am truly appreciating them then acknowledging the good things is positive.  If my motivation is to manipulate others by praise, then it seems dishonest.  In other words, are we painting them white?

That was really never my motivation.  Can't worry about my wife's... .

What they are really saying is, "there is no way I would put up with whatever (fill in the blank). "  I have to check myself and see if my boundaries are good and that I am not being a doormat (synonym for saint putting up with others bad behavior).

The people that say this either have never been through something this tough r/s wise, or from my experience, are completely hypocritical... .