Frog Prince?

[evenkeeled]

Hi, I think I can see my parents as 'frog prince' and 'waif'.  I have always  focused more on trying to understand what is happening with my umBPD and not so much on my dad.  I live away from them and my son recently had an accident and got a serious injury (he is doing ok now) I rang my parents to let them know what had happened.  I hadn't realised, but my mum was away at the time.  I spoke to my dad and told him what had happened and that I was very worried and upset.  He decided to not tell my mum until she came back from her trip and was concerned that she might make the news about her and it might send her over the edge.  He never told her when she returned from her trip though and he never got back in touch to ask how my son was or what was happening with his treatment.  I found this out when I spoke to my mum over a month later and she knew nothing about the incident.  I was not really surprised at how they handled this but feel sad that a normal reaction from grandparents would be imediate concern, and wanting regular contact and information updates on their grandsons wellbeing. What I would like to ask is, do you think my dad's behaviour fits with 'frog prince' in this instance? There is always more drama around my mums behaviour and he is normally in the background,  so I'm just starting to think about what's going on with him.  I feel he had an opportunity to behave appropriately in this instance without the confusion of my mums initial involvement and he did nothing, I would appreciate your thought?

[Kwamina]

Hi evenkeeled

I am sorry to hear your son was in an accident and got seriously hurt. I can imagine how scary this must have been for you as well. Very glad to hear he's doing ok now

Your father's behavior is concerning and not what you would like to see after getting the news his grandson got injured like this. It seems he might be consumed with worrying about how things might affect your mother's mood. Would you say your dad seems to be walking on eggshells around your mother even when your mother isn't actually present?

No matter how your dad would be labeled, your description of his behavior does seem to suggest something being 'off' here. When analyzing your parents behavioral patterns, archetypes such as 'frog prince' and 'waif' can be useful though. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, I believe Christine Ann Lawson describes such a relationship like this:

The Waif marries a Frog Prince, someone she can rescue and who she thinks will rescue her. The Waif identifies with the Frog's helplessness and fantasizes about providing for him what she needs for herself.

Would you consider your mother's behavioral state always or mostly as 'waif' and your father as 'frog prince'? Or would you say they also fluctuate between other states?

[evenkeeled]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for your reply!  I can see my mum moving between waif and hermit.  Thankfully, I don't believe she is ever deliberately vindictive or cruel and a lot of the time she seems to persecute herself rather than others, but also very self involved and wrapped up in her needs and victimhood!  I think you are absolutely right that my dad must feel like he is walking on eggshells around my mum even when she is not present and there is always a stumble in communication of 'should she be told, and how will it affect her' which often helps make her the centre of any issue that arises!  I think I see the frog prince also because my dad was ten years older than my mum when they met, but still living with his parents.  He had had a childhood illness that had left him with restricted mobility and my parents peers have described my dad has maybe being 'mollycoddled' because of his disability by his parents and that it has resulted in him being also self-involved, and a little spoilt and selfish.  My mum was young, unhappy at home and wanted rescued by her 'frog prince' who she also saw as flawed and vulnerable! 

As well as not sharing information with my mum for fear of 'walking on eggshells'  I have also wondered whether he uses that as an excuse to withhold information from her to enable him to feel like he has more power and control.  I have seen both parents do this and deliberately restrict important information that I believe as either a patriarch or matriarch of a family it is their responsibility to share.  I have not been told of relatives deaths and funerals in the past and see this as a way to keep power and to alienate, but that their duty should be to make sure all family members are equally kept up to speed with what is happening.  If you are not informed about births and deaths or made aware of funerals, christenings etc, then there is nothing keeping you together as a family.  I moved away from the dysfunction and feel that I set boundaries fairly early as an adult and stopped allowing myself to be the caretaker.  I have wondered if without that role there is not much else left in the relationship and that this lack of sharing information is a way to punish me for creating boundaries?

They both drink very heavily, my dad says he self-medicates for pain and that it is the only way he can sleep and my mum says she self-medicates for stress relief and i would say that they are both alcohol dependent.  Over the years they seem to have became more and more unreactive and unresponsive to anything, and I also wonder if they have both just become too 'pickled' as well and incapable of reacting or empathising and just in a cycle of surviving and getting through each day?

[Kwamina]

Hi again evenkeeled

I have seen both parents do this and deliberately restrict important information that I believe as either a patriarch or matriarch of a family it is their responsibility to share.  I have not been told of relatives deaths and funerals in the past and see this as a way to keep power and to alienate, but that their duty should be to make sure all family members are equally kept up to speed with what is happening.  If you are not informed about births and deaths or made aware of funerals, christenings etc, then there is nothing keeping you together as a family.  I moved away from the dysfunction and feel that I set boundaries fairly early as an adult and stopped allowing myself to be the caretaker.  I have wondered if without that role there is not much else left in the relationship and that this lack of sharing information is a way to punish me for creating boundaries?

I find what you say here very interesting. Information can indeed be used as an instrument of power and control. I have experienced this too with my own mother but hadn't thought about it in a while. I've seen her withhold information from me for instance by not telling me people had called or 'forgetting' to mention that it was a family-member's birthday. Another example of the power of information is when she told a story about how someone had supposedly been extremely rude to her. This was years before I knew about BPD and when I heard about what happened, I confronted the person that had been 'rude' to her. However, things just didn't seem to add up and as I learned about BPD it became more and more clear to me that my mother's version of events was most likely inaccurate. Even though she might have actually perceived it like she told me, her perception was probably way off. This has taught me a valuable yet sad lesson though, that I can't trust what she's saying and always have to look for supporting evidence and not immediately react to her 'wild' stories.

So withholding information can give power and control, but sharing false or incomplete information can also give power and control

I have wondered if without that role there is not much else left in the relationship and that this lack of sharing information is a way to punish me for creating boundaries?

Is the withholding of information something they've always done to you, also when you were still a child?

They both drink very heavily, my dad says he self-medicates for pain and that it is the only way he can sleep and my mum says she self-medicates for stress relief and i would say that they are both alcohol dependent.

When did their drinking start? Were they already 'alcohol dependent' during your childhood?

[Panda39]

Hi evenkeeled,

Just a thought... .

Could it be dad had too much to drink when you gave him the news?  My exhusband was an alcoholic and I was often accused of lying because he was drunk when I told him something, then once sober again he didn't remember the conversation.