exN/BPDw has resurfaced again this month

[Ripped Heart]

For those of you unaware, it's been 3 years since I went NC with exN/BPDw. For the first couple of months she attempted contact on a daily basis, which soon became weekly before becoming monthly. This went on for 2 years until last summer where she stopped trying to make contact completely. There was a few months of peace before she started back up again in December and since then it's gone back to monthly.

It's not just contact with me, because I don't respond she turns her attention to my family, my friends and in the case of last month, my children. She is relentless in her efforts and I do read her emails so that I know what to expect from her.

I went through a stage of no matter where I blocked her on the internet, she would find another way through whether it be alternate accounts or trying to make contact with my family. She's high functioning so extremely clever in her approach and doesn't do or say anything that could implement her or is deemed as "stalking" For example, there was an incident in my country about 200 miles away from where I live but she still emailed to ask if my family were ok. To the untrained observer, if I was to raise an issue around that, they see it as someone being caring given that we had a history together. To the trained observer, it's an attempt to get me to engage.

Most of her emails are sweet, caring and kind too but she does start to get angry when they aren't responded to before disappearing again.

So the events of last week, I put up a profile pic on FB for the first time in 3 years. The reason for not having one was to minimise the chance of her locating me as my FB profile is quite generic. I have FB because of my children and only have close friends and family on there, everything is else locked down tight. So the pic I put up was from a night out at a charity event last week which included me and a few friends, some of which are female. I felt I should no longer live in fear of my exN/BPDw and that I'm beyond that now.

The very next day I received an email stating that she has decided I should be providing for her as my ex-wife. We had a legal agreement when I left her country that I would pay off half of her credit card debts, also stung for half the wedding that her parents had insisted on paying for. In terms of that, we already had a plan and then her mother got involved. Suddenly it went from something simple and romantic to a show of extravagance and very OTT, all the time when I tried to express my concern was met with anger because her parents were paying for it. When the divorce came, her mother decided she wanted her money back and I was hit with half of their costs. To keep the peace and also because I was backed into a corner with the speed a divorce came around, I agreed. All of which was paid off last year.

The email from the following morning outlined how much she wanted from me on a monthly basis which was pretty much most of my salary. A threat that if I didn't respond, she would contact relevant authorities, track me down and get the money and that she and her mother have now decided they want interest on the payments that were made against the wedding.

The next day, another email dictating when I was to make the payment by to avoid her going through legal channels. In other words, being held to ransom now with threats and rages. I know given what was decided legally, she doesn't really have a leg to stand on but a couple of things do concern me. Firstly, if she has found a way through legally, secondly that it's almost forcing me into an engagement with her. However, if I respond she knows I have read her messages, if I don't respond I may find myself having to deal with her anyway in a lengthy battle.

The other side is that tomorrow she could be a very different person again and I may get a sweet email again. Either way, 3 years of this now has been exhausting because she is not giving up. Her final words when she hit me with the divorce was that one day we would find each other, get remarried and be with each other forever. The fact she hasn't given up in 3 years is quite draining at times. Any attempt at putting a stop to it she will view as a victory as it will force a re-engagement. It's just getting tiring now.

[OnceConfused]

1. First of all, you live in a different country so is it possible for her to have lawsuit against you in your own country?

2. You PAID as per the agreement so the claim for the interest charge this late in the game is LUDICROUS.

3. I guess if she wanted spousal alimony , she should have done that during the divorce process. Once the divorce is done and agreed on. THAT IS IT.

It sounds like this is a Crazy person. Glad you are out.

[Ripped Heart]

Exactly, OnceConfused. She's trying to press buttons to see if she can provoke a reaction. Her T once said, that's also the NPD because she will not be beaten.

I'm not too worried or concerned at this point as I dont believe she has grounds. Even when I left I continued to pay half of the daycare costs too for her daughter until she was school age.

For me, its about the fact that after 3 years, she is still there and still trying. There was a lot in the divorce that I agreed to. Partly out of fear, partly because it literally happened overnight without warning and partly because it was just easier to get it over and done with. I was trapped in her country and isolated from friends and family so I did agree to things I maybe shouldn't have but I took care of all that. Paid exactly what was agreed and stuck to the letter of the law.

I could challenge anything she throws so I'm not worried in that regard, its just that by doing so, I give in to what she wants right now and that's a reaction.

[OnceConfused]

Wait a minute, is the daughter whom you pay for the support your child or solely her child?

If she is only her child, then you have been very generous.

[tjay933]

ripped, i feel for you. 

what is in your best interests? will doing 'a' or 'b' be the least disruptive to your healing and emotional health? or is there another option that you haven't considered?

yes, she is looking for a reaction. do you want to give her one? will it be helpful or harmful to your psyche to do so?

personally, i'd just ignore her. ime-they often 'forget' when something new and shiny comes along-hopefully something shiny will come along soon for her?

at any rate, we're here for you. 

[Grey Kitty]

First, Ugh. Sorry to hear this crap.

Second, legal threats from her are just that. Threats. And you believe they are groundless.

So wait until you see legal action... .and if you do, have a lawyer review it before you respond. I doubt she will go that far.

[Ripped Heart]

Wait a minute, is the daughter whom you pay for the support your child or solely her child?

If she is only her child, then you have been very generous.

It was my stepdaughter. I felt bad with how everything turned out and that she was innocent in all that happened so I contributed half towards her daycare costs so that she didn't lose out

[Ripped Heart]

ripped, i feel for you. 

what is in your best interests? will doing 'a' or 'b' be the least disruptive to your healing and emotional health? or is there another option that you haven't considered?

yes, she is looking for a reaction. do you want to give her one? will it be helpful or harmful to your psyche to do so?

personally, i'd just ignore her. ime-they often 'forget' when something new and shiny comes along-hopefully something shiny will come along soon for her?

at any rate, we're here for you. 

I'm not going to give her a reaction, I haven't done in 3 years and I dont expect to change that now. Last year was a welcome break from it in the months where she didn't try something.

I think for me, she is very different to exBPDgf in that she is extremely unpredictable. It means when she does surface, its to try a different approach or test another button. I'm not fearful of her anymore or worried about what she will do next, its just tiring that after 3 years there has been no real let up and its a constant battle to keep her blocked and out of my life.

During our marriage, she made me pay for her mistakes. My fundamental flaw was that I allowed myself to take that responsibility. My exN/BPDw ruled through fear and intimidation of anyone who disagreed with her or didn't do exactly as she said. These moments prove to me that nothing has changed with her and all the "nice" emails she sends from time to time is her way of trying to keep an attachment.

[Ripped Heart]

First, Ugh. Sorry to hear this crap.

Second, legal threats from her are just that. Threats. And you believe they are groundless.

So wait until you see legal action... .and if you do, have a lawyer review it before you respond. I doubt she will go that far.

I dont intend to respond here GK, that's exactly what she wants. The moment I do, considering NC with her for 3 years, it gives her the button and that's what she will come at me with every time forward.

Its also why with exBPDgf, I've tried to keep things cordial. Though the gift dilemma I never responded to in the end. ExN/BPDw is extremely draining in this sense and although both are very different, the last thing I want and need is to keep being hit by both of them. So where it comes to exBPDgf needing someone to talk to, I do listen and keep things balanced because I dont want to go through with her what I constantly go through with exN/BPDw and I know through friends and ex boyfriends, she is equally as capable of acting the same way.

[OnceConfused]

You have been utmost generous and kind with the step daughter. Morally and ethically , you don't have any responsibilities toward the step daughter.

Your xBPDw really is a snake